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Guests of the bridal party

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So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
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Nov 12, 2006
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For those who have had thier wedding (and still come here to help out so so so wonderfully!!!), did the guests of your bridal party seem completley bored and alone for most of the day? I was the date of a best man before and boy I sure was bored and alone lol. I was happy to be there but it really was a quiet and looooonnnng day of not seeing my sweetie until the recpetion started (thank goodness they sat me at the head table with him!!).

****Warning, selfish bridezilla comments about to appear**********

Asside from the bridal party''s guests being bored, I''m quite honestly bummed that my bridesmaids will have other people there with them that will need to be entertained and take my sweet bridesmaid away from me?? (waaaaaaaaah
)

MOH: my sister. she has no bf right now but she told me she woudln''t bring anyone if she''s not 100% sure they would enjoy being alone all day long.

BM #2: "E". E is bringing her girlfriend whom I really like. But E told my sister that she is going to bring a third guest so that her girlfriend will have someone to hang out with while E is busy!

BM #3: "L". L lives accross the country and has very politely asked if she could bring a freind from work to make the traveling more fun and to help with expenses etc. That was absoultley fine with me and understandable.

BM #4: "J". J is 30 yrs old but has always been quite the "big sister".....meaning she always very kindly takes young kids under her wing and sort of becomes their big sister/friend. It''s a lovely quality. However, she wants to bring one of her "little sisters", I hear, to the wedding. And I''ve met this particular lil'' sister and she''s all of 16 now and she is not a very nice girl at all. I would not like her there to be honest.

BM #5: "R". R is easy because she is my brother''s date and my bro is a groomsmen for my future hubby so them two are perfect (in regards to my present rant). They will not be brinign anyone else because they''ll have each other :) yay!!!

So, I''d like to tell E that, no, she may NOT bring a third guest (what is this a keg party where whomever can come?) and her request is so out there that I probably will not have a problem dealing with this issue. But how do I deal with J? If she doesn''t have a significant other, then I need to put "and guest" on her invite........but I don''t want her to bring a 16 yr old who is truly a little brat. C''mon! I can''t control her "and guest"! ............can I??? lol
 

Jas12

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 16, 2006
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2,330
I think BM J''s request is out of line. unless you know this ''little sister'' really well and would consider inviting her to begin with, it seems ridiculous that someone would invite a teenager to keep a BM ''company'' on a day that she will be very very busy. Who would the 16 yr old hang out with? I doubt she would be comfortable & enjoy herself to begin with....If you want to avoid tension I would tell J that the guest list is already longer than expected and you simply can''t add a person you don''t know well.

Aside from significant others or sometimes the wedding party''s parents (whom many brides and grooms grow up with) I don''t think the wedding party should have any say or any expectations as to who is invited. Period.
 

larussel03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2005
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1,747
I really have to say that I am suprised at these requests! I''d be mad if anyone brought a guest if they were not dating anyone seriously or married. It costs alot to host a wedding, and it''s inconsiderate to just "bring a friend" if you know other people there. The only exceptions I can see to this (my) rule would be if a) someone is travelling from far away or b) a person you invited did not really know anyone else at the wedding. Otherwise, I''d be a little peeved if guests or BM''s or GM''s or whatever were just bringing friends as guests.
 

eks6426

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
2,011
I was always taught that there should never be an "and guest" issued on the invitation. If you don''t know the bridesmaid''s date well enough to address the invitation to them personally, then they shouldn''t be coming. It seems like your bridesmaids are just working to find someone to come with them...rather than bringing their steady date they''ve been seeing for months.....

Only you can decide if it is worth making them mad by saying no. Whatever you do, keep the "rules" the same across the board so nobody gets hurts feelings.
 

sumbride

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
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3,867
Date: 2/5/2007 3:12:26 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
I really have to say that I am suprised at these requests! I''d be mad if anyone brought a guest if they were not dating anyone seriously or married. It costs alot to host a wedding, and it''s inconsiderate to just ''bring a friend'' if you know other people there. The only exceptions I can see to this (my) rule would be if a) someone is travelling from far away or b) a person you invited did not really know anyone else at the wedding. Otherwise, I''d be a little peeved if guests or BM''s or GM''s or whatever were just bringing friends as guests.
I''m glad to see I''m not the only one who feels this way. Two of my bridesmaids mentioned bringing dates to the wedding, and though I didn''t say anything at the time, I was a little shocked. Why? Because in the 4+ years I''ve been dating my FI, they have not been on even ONE date, with anyone! And now they''re going to find somebody just in time to bring them to the wedding? I just took a deep breath and smiled but when I was contemplating a sit-down dinner wedding it would have been a real sore spot with me. Now that we''ve gone to big giant cocktail party style, I''m ok with it because they may want somebody to dance with, and I certainly don''t want to point out their singleness to them at my wedding. That would be "smug-married-rude". Whether or not they will actually bring somebody is still up in the air, but I''m not going to let it be an issue since I have the space. I will say, were it me, I would not want my first date with somebody to be a wedding.
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
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1,084
Thank you very much for your responses so far! It really helps to hear that I am not the only one thinking this is not how it''s supposed to be done.

Islanddreams~ I am a fond follower of that rule and this is a part of my problem because my MOH is my sister and can invite whomever she wants. L is comign from way out of state so I maybe made the issue more complicated by saying ''ok'' to her. So, now I can''t say "only family can bring guests" and hide under that. So, if now two BMs can bring guests, then I really shouldn''t say ''no'' to the other 3. Plus, E lives w her girlfriend and has been with her for years so E''s girlfriend is certainly invited. So that makes three. R''s date is already in the wedding (and is my brother) but she will technically have someone to dance with etc. So it would look like I was singling out J if I say ''no'' please!!! What I really want is for her to bring her dad, whom FI and I really love too :) But is it cool to invite J and Dad on the invite? If I send two separate invites, they may both want to bring a guest, but if I put J and Dad on one invite, then it seems that I am letting them both bring a guest....eachother!!....IS that okay to choose the guest like that? Especially if it''s not a sig.other.

aarrgghh....This is really frustrating me!
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
1,084
I left a message on E''s machine about an hour ago and said: "I heard you wanted to bring a third guest to the wedding and I hope you''ll understand when I say that that is just not possible. We really want an intimate affair and we also really need to keep mind of our budget. I hope you''ll understand!"

I just got a text from E, reading "I will come alone then.". That''s it. No elaboration. When I called, she didn''t answer!!!!
What is going on??? Is my request to keep my wedding intimate THAT offensive that if she can''t bring a guest for her guest then she''ll pout???

I texted her back when she didn''t answer her phone and wrote "Why wouldn''t you bring S (her girlfriend)?".

aarrrggggh. What a crock.

Did I blow it on my first attempt at being a gracious bride-host???
 

dtnyc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
1,088
Since when is anyone ever ALONE at a wedding? It''s a party- full of people.

Just so I understand BM #2, E- is in a relationship w/ her girlfriend right? it''s not like she was just bringing a friend to keep her company???
How old are these people? Seriously are they socially retarded?

We didn''t invite anyone "and guest" we put their SO''s name on the invite with them.
 

fatafelice

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 26, 2004
Messages
1,756
Hmmmm... I think this is a very interesting topic. I myself only have two adult single BMs, and I would be okay with them bringing dates if they were worried that they would be lonely, but as there is a lot of travel for my wedding, I doubt they would ask a casual friend to go with them. Actually, one of them, my MOH, told me, "Of course I am not bringing a date! I have to be there to help you!" I love her.
The other single will be coming from Chicago with another single girlfriend who is invited (and an honorary BM), so I think they are just figuring on hanging out together.

I definitely think it is fair that you asked the one BM not to bring a third person, but perhaps she is upset by the manner in which you did so. First, had *she* asked about bringing someone, or was your knowledge of her intentions second-hand info? Perhaps she is peeved that you nixed the idea before she had even asked you. In addition, if I were her, I would have appreciated a person-to-person phone call about the issue, not just a message on the machine. That being said, I am sure if you can talk to her, she will understand where you are coming from. Just make sure that you assure her you were looking forward to her bringing her girlfriend, so that she doesn''t think you are also upset about that date.

As for the other friend and the 16-year-old, I don''t have much advice...Could you perhaps call her and ask her if she thought she might bring a date, and if so, whom? Then, once it is out in the open, perhaps you could explain that you are uncomfortable with the idea of her bringing someone you don''t know, but that both you and FI would love it if she would bring her dad as her date.

Good Luck!
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
Have you sent out the invites yet? Seriously, the ''and guest'' thing is a huge mistake, where the heck did you get that idea? Not even your sister should be able to just bring a random person to the wedding!
If you know the person well enough to invite them to your wedding you should know who their S.O. is or at least know who to ask about the S.O''s name!
Inviting family members on one card should be fine, but if they don''t live in the same house I think it''s more proper to send seperate invites to J and her Dad. Of course, E''s girlfriend should be specifically included on her invite. Personally I would have been pretty damn insulted if someone close to my bf had invited him to a wedding and just said ''and guest''. (back when he was still just my bf).
 

Kit

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2005
Messages
501
Argh!!! The guest issue!! This issue is such a nightmare.

First, wedding invitations, like all other event invitations, are addressed to the specific people you are inviting and it is NEVER okay (even though everyone does it) to just automatically assume you can bring other people to a wedding to which you were invited. If the invitation says "and guest" on it, then IMO you are inviting a world of disaster because word will get out and next thing you know you''ll be looking at a ballooning guest list. Trust me I have seen this happen. You need to be really strict about this from the get-go. If you are okay with your bridal party bringing guests to your wedding, fine, but make it clear that this is just a rule for them. And be prepared for other famliy members and friends to send back RSVPs to you with names of other people they have decided to invite to your wedding, who you''ve never even met, OR not even names but just addtional "number of guests" written in.
So inappropriate.

What I would do is not use "and guest" at all, and only invite couples who are seriously dating and/or engaged. All single people are on their own, unless there are only a few and you are feeling charitable, in which case you phone or email them individually and tell them they and only they are allowed to bring a guest and not to tell anyone else. Seriously.

Second, my FI has been best man in a couple of weddings and I have known few people at these events. I did in fact have a boring, lonely day but you know what? It is irrelevant how my day went because I was being kindly and graciously invited to someone''s wedding and didn''t in the least bit expect to be entertained or have my needs taken into consideration at any moment. I was simply another wedding guest, period.
 

stretch4

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 25, 2004
Messages
4,360
Okay, first of all, I don''t think it was appropriate for you to leave a message on E''s phone giving her the news. You should have left a message for her to call you back and then you could have talked it out. That way there would be no misunderstandings, as seems to be the case now.

As for the guest thing, I always thought it was appropriate to allow an invited guest to bring a guest, even if you don''t know who they are dating or even if they are not dating anyone. But apparently that is just me, because I am surely in the minority on this one. In large extended families, such as DH''s, I simply cannot keep track of everyone''s BFs and GFs. My rule when I was doing the guest list was to allocate a guest to every person, except teenagers. So a 25 year old should be allowed to bring a date IMO, regardless if they have been dating or are just friends. I would try to get the person''s name either from the invited guest or via the grapeline, and to be honest, it worked out quite well!

Also, technically only those persons whose names are on the invitation are invited, but when you just list a 25 year old''s name, how much you want to bet that they become very confused as to whether they can bring a guest or not? Then you will end up in an even sticker place because some people will respond with a guest and then do you call them and tell them no or just allow it?

Okay, my rant is over, hope it makes a little sense!
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
1,084
I should clarify that FI and I talked about it and decided that it would indeed be nice to let our BP bring guests since they are truly special guests. As far as non BP guests are concerned, however, we are following the rule that if they aren''t serious with someone, then they are invited singularly.

We are having about 80 people, so we really do know 98% of the people very well. There are two "regular" guests that we know are dating someone but either we can''t remember his name at all or can''t remember his last name; we are presently working on gathering that information because I SERIOUSLY understand the "and guest" issue. I do not want to have that problem. At all.

So far, the only "and guest" we may have had to dole out is J''s. That was explained in my OP. So, I am not saying I want to "and guest" everyone. And E and her girlfriend are most 10000% invited, both by NAME.........it was this mysterious third person that struck me strange.

An update: E finally picked up her cell phone and we did talk about it. I wasn''t pissy with her because it''s hard to tell from text msgs how one means something to come out. I was very normal and we chatted friendly-ly about the issue. She really just felt bad that her girlfriend, S, would be left alone for the wedding and didn''t want S to feel uncomfortable. Pretty much what I was saying at the begining of my OP. She actually decided she''d rather not bring S than to "subject" her to being sooooo uncomfortable and I told her that S is certainly invited; it''s the 3rd friend I have a thing about. She did sound like she totally gets my reasoning about the 3rd stranger. I told her S is still certanly welcome so I guess E will think about it.

I also spoke wth J and she said she''d happily bring her dad as her guest so that one''s all set :)
 
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