Guests declining

[that_someone_special]

I''ve been thinking about this the last few days...

On NYE a couple came to our house (we were throwing a party) and the wedding came up. Everyone was talking about how excited they were to go, while couple A quickly say''s, "yeah, I''m not sure if we will even go."

Say what?

Never being one to let things go, I asked, "What does that mean?" The guy says, "I don''t know if we can afford it, we would like to go on our honeymoon sometime this year." (they''ve been married 5 years and have known about the location of this wedding since April 09.) My MOH was sitting there and asked why they couldn''t just attend our wedding and then extend their honeymoon after- or something like that. The response? "Well I just get nervous spending money in Vegas." Even though they''ve been to Vegas about 5 times in the last 6-7 years. *sigh*

Basically I''m taking this to be, "We''re just not going." The wife of this couple was the same one who freaked out when she found out that our wedding date was Oct 30th, and she doesn''t want to miss Halloween. Ah, Halloween in Vegas? I''m sure it can''t be that bad.

Ugh, it''s just that the invitations are not even out yet, and they are (imo) making excuses to not go for whatever reason. I''m extremely hurt and offended- as I thought I was pretty close to this couple. I don''t know what the heck is going on, my feelings are hurt, and now I am tempted to put 50 people (the guest list) in my wedding so they HAVE to attend

Just kidding on that last part. But really...........


Has anyone had to deal with this? Should I just get over it?

 

[FrekeChild]

You should just get over it. I have had so many people talk constantly about how they were coming and blah blah blah.

And it was ALL TALK.

It''s not worth getting upset over. The important part is that your FI and you are there, and SCREW EVERYONE ELSE.

You can tell what kind of day I''ve had...

 

[megumic]

That does seem to be a premature decision, as well as an awkward comment to make while at the home and party of the bride and groom!

Is there any chance this couple has any sort of gambling problem? That was the first thing that came to mind...perhaps it''s more of a personal thing. Or maybe it''s just they''d prefer to finally finish saving for their honeymoon - I could understand that. I mean, who knows the reason. But still - that does not excuse or discount the fact that the comment was rude and inappropriate, particularly while in your home and prior to formally being invited!

In any case, you''ll enjoy all of the guests who do come to your wedding so much so that you won''t even notice this couple didn''t make it!

 

[JerseyGrl81]

As a someone who had a destination wedding herself and attended destination weddings of friends, I feel that this is something you should expect when making the choice to have a destination wedding. It is a lot to ask people to take a vacation and spend lots of $$$ to attend your wedding. I feel that if a guest tells you they can not make it you really should except their decision and not question them further. I am sure they have their reasons why and not declining the invite because they don''t WANT to be there. Good luck.

 

[NY Princess]

Honestly, I would say get over it. As a matter of fact, be happy that they put it out there so soon. Now you have time to think of someone else you can invite instead.

Is their presence going to make or break your day?

I read somewhere that weddings guest lists usually have a 20% decline rate. I imagine that it must be higher for a destination wedding.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

People can be weird...

But who cares what they do? You will have a wonderful wedding, regardless of who is there.

If they want to take their honeymoon...thats perfectly okay...don''t let it upset you. That''s them. Some people have a hard time justifying travel for a wedding if it means giving up their personal vacation of the year.

Anyway...send an invite...you have many months...they may change their mind!

 

[lulu66]

while it is definitely their personal choice to decide how to spend their time & money and whether attending your wedding fits into their plan, they could (SHOULD) have used some tact when the topic came up at YOUR party. especially since invitations haven''t even gone out yet! how about "we haven''t had time to discuss our plans for the upcoming year. we are hoping to make it but can''t promise at this point." or just let it slip by without a comment at all & discuss it with you in private. but, again, their choice...please don''t let it ruin your day. you will be surrounded by people who love you whether or not it includes this specific couple!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Some people only see life through their own eyes. IMO don''t stress. The people you really love, who love you, will be there if at all possible. The rest of them...do you really want them to share such an important experience with you?

 

[Haven]

Their delivery wasn''t anywhere near appropriate, but I agree that you shouldn''t let this bother you any longer.

Since you are having a DW you should prepare yourself to get a good amount of regrets. I wouldn''t take it personally when you learn that people plan on staying home. Many people just aren''t willing to spend all that money to travel for someone else''s wedding unless they are extremely close to the couple. I wouldn''t go to a DW unless I was close enough to the couple to be a part of the bridal party, in fact.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/3/2010 11:54:40 PM
Author: Haven
Their delivery wasn''t anywhere near appropriate, but I agree that you shouldn''t let this bother you any longer.


Since you are having a DW you should prepare yourself to get a good amount of regrets. I wouldn''t take it personally when you learn that people plan on staying home. Many people just aren''t willing to spend all that money to travel for someone else''s wedding unless they are extremely close to the couple. I wouldn''t go to a DW unless I was close enough to the couple to be a part of the bridal party, in fact.

Ditto.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 1/3/2010 11:54:40 PM
Author: Haven
Their delivery wasn''t anywhere near appropriate, but I agree that you shouldn''t let this bother you any longer.

Since you are having a DW you should prepare yourself to get a good amount of regrets. I wouldn''t take it personally when you learn that people plan on staying home. Many people just aren''t willing to spend all that money to travel for someone else''s wedding unless they are extremely close to the couple. I wouldn''t go to a DW unless I was close enough to the couple to be a part of the bridal party, in fact.

Ditto. Our wedding is next Saturday, and out of 30 invitees, 22 are coming. One that isn''t coming is FI''s father. Not for budgetary reasons, but because of the distance. My BFF''s started saving over a year ago and they are going because they are my BFFs. They would have gone regardless of whether or not they were in the bridal party (they basically ARE the bridal party) I have other friends that aren''t going--but they aren''t as good of friends. So be it!

 

[lilylover]

I can''t help but feel that if they are acting this way, then you don''t *really* want them to be there anyway. Know what I mean?

 

[CNOS128]

It''s possible they have a reason for not wanting to attend, but they don''t feel comfortable sharing that with you. Maybe because everyone else was talking about their wedding, they wanted to be upfront about the fact that they can''t go, but they didn''t want to tell you why. I''d give them the benefit of the doubt, on this one, especially if they are close friends of yours. The Halloween thing is weird, though.

 

[lucyandroger]

When you decide to have a destination wedding, you have to be prepared that some people aren't going to make it for whatever reason. Most people have a limited amount of money to spend on vacations each year and to expect that they spend that for the time of year and location you chose is unfair IMO.

My brother got married in Vegas last year and to be honest, if he were just a friend instead of a brother, I would have sent a nice gift and passed on actually attending the wedding. I can think of lots of other trips that would have been more my style to spend a couple thousand dollars on.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 1/3/2010 11:54:40 PM
Author: Haven
Their delivery wasn't anywhere near appropriate, but I agree that you shouldn't let this bother you any longer.


Since you are having a DW you should prepare yourself to get a good amount of regrets. I wouldn't take it personally when you learn that people plan on staying home. Many people just aren't willing to spend all that money to travel for someone else's wedding unless they are extremely close to the couple. I wouldn't go to a DW unless I was close enough to the couple to be a part of the bridal party, in fact.

Completely agree.

I wouldn't attend a destination wedding unless it was a sibling. And maybe not even then... I think it's a trade-off you make when you choose a destination venue - gorgeous setting, in a wonderful and relaxing holiday destination, but most likely very few guests. If I had to choose between my own honeymoon (even five years late) and a friend's wedding, I know which I'd pick.

Don't take refusals personally. You'll have an amazing wedding even if it's just the two of you. However, I agree that the way they said sounded pretty inappropriate.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/3/2010 11:54:40 PM
Author: Haven
Their delivery wasn''t anywhere near appropriate, but I agree that you shouldn''t let this bother you any longer.

Since you are having a DW you should prepare yourself to get a good amount of regrets. I wouldn''t take it personally when you learn that people plan on staying home. Many people just aren''t willing to spend all that money to travel for someone else''s wedding unless they are extremely close to the couple. I wouldn''t go to a DW unless I was close enough to the couple to be a part of the bridal party, in fact.

Ditto. And this basically applies to ANY wedding where I''d have to travel... making it a destination wedding - FOR ME. Taking unpaid time off work, paying a dog sitter, air fare, hotel, and car, quite easily make even a 3-4 day getaway over $2k. A wedding where you get to see your friend all of 15 minutes IF YOU''RE LUCKY doesn''t justify that expense IMHO unless there are lots of other guests I''d like to see there also. If these are people I get to see all the time... I personally wouldn''t spend that money and yet again put off my own special celebration. I''d just go to your showers, bridal parties, and send a nice gift, and maybe take you out to dinner when you get back - and look at your photos when you get those back too.

I know you are hurt that they may not go, but I think they were just trying to plant the seed that they may not be able to go -even though the way they did it wasn''t the most tactful. I think this is just one of those things that people don''t like to be told how to spend their money. They really want to go on a honeymoon. A lot of people have a certain idea of a honeymoon in their head. The idea of making their special trip evolve around someone else''s special day - doesn''t always fly. I know you''re hurt, but when you plan a destination wedding, you sometimes have to accept that people will decline. Even people you assumed would be there.

Enjoy the guests that accept. Enjoy all the wedding planning stages, and most importantly - enjoy being married once all the pomp and circumstance ends.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I had a lot of people say they were coming and then just plain not show up. It kind of irked me because I was excited to see those people (especially since it was in the town everyone lives in, the trip was maybe 20 min roundtrip to the venue) but in the end I ended up finding out who my real friends were, what can ya do?

 

[katamari]

If it was NYE, I am guessing alcohol might have been involved(?). I would assume it is something they discussed between the two of them and it just kinda came out awkwardly when the inhibitions fell. I wouldn''t take it personally.

As far for being upset about regrets for a DW, you cannot be. There are so many more factors than just money when it comes to attending DWs as a guest (time off work, child/pet/house sitting, transportation to/from airport, giving up existing or hopeful vacation plans for plans someone else developed, . . .). Plus, money alone is enough of an issue that it can serve as an unmanageable obstacle. Focus on being grateful for those able to be there despite these sacrifices instead of resenting those who are unable.

 

[nkarma]

There is no way you should expect people to attend your DW. Travel is expensive and everyone has a right to make other things their priorities. Maybe they want to honeymoon in Italy or Bali or somewhere that is not Vegas. There will always be people that can't make it one way or another but I am sure your true loved ones will be there and in the end I doubt you will notice this couples absence. Also, I heard people attending destination weddings are about 30-40% of the invitees. I don't know how the topic came up at the party and whether you or someoene else brought it up to them, but I kinda think it's rude to expect them to come and judge why they are not going. I feel people should be able to do what they want with their time and money.

 

[swimmer]

Would it have been better for them to have smiled and nodded like they were planning on going when they knew they weren''t?

I just ask b/c I have felt a chill from a friend that I had to tell "so sorry, we can''t be there" when it came up at her bachelor party -long before invites went out to the actual event. I was performing a wedding ceremony for friends across the country the same weekend! Sometimes life just works out like that and I didn''t want to say -ahem, you aren''t as close to me as my grade school friend...so we will miss your wedding. I felt it was better to put it out there that we couldn''t come, rather than misrepresent our plans and have her disappointed when we didn''t show. This is someone who flew across the country for our wedding so I understand her hurt, but I had to make a decision and I had already agreed to the other ceremony. Your friends might be in a similar "have to make a decision" situation based on time or money. Would it have been better for them to lie or just walk away from the convo about the wedding and let you know by rsvp card?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''m sorry you''re feeling down, I''m sure they''re not motivated by the desire to hurt your feelings or anything. I would just look at it as more money in your pocket.

 

[pinki]

Date: 1/4/2010 12:57:53 AM
Author: lucyandroger
When you decide to have a destination wedding, you have to be prepared that some people aren''t going to make it for whatever reason. Most people have a limited amount of money to spend on vacations each year and to expect that they spend that for the time of year and location you chose is unfair IMO.

My brother got married in Vegas last year and to be honest, if he were just a friend instead of a brother, I would have sent a nice gift and passed on actually attending the wedding. I can think of lots of other trips that would have been more my style to spend a couple thousand dollars on.

+1

I travel a lot and I''ve declined close friends'' destination weddings because I would rather spend the money I''ve worked really hard to save in other ways. It''s not that I don''t like my friends any more or less, but I''d rather get them an amazing gift and use my money for things I''ve been saving for.

Maybe they thought the "money" excuse would be acceptable and didn''t realize they were being rude, I don''t think they have any bad intentions. I''m positive they did not mean to hurt you and were only trying to prepare you early that they wouldn''t be there as opposed to leaving you to believe they would and then dropping it on you at the last minute that they wouldn''t.

 

[Kelli]

Huh. That is kind of weird, and it might make me think twice about how close the friendship was, but I''d ultimately shrug it off and get over it. If they refused to come to a wedding in your hometown without good reason, that might be a little different. I would do anything I could to attend my good friends'' wedding, but I know not everyone is like me. Maybe they''ll change their minds.

 

[caribqueen]

Date: 1/4/2010 2:36:41 PM
Author: pinki

Date: 1/4/2010 12:57:53 AM
Author: lucyandroger
When you decide to have a destination wedding, you have to be prepared that some people aren''t going to make it for whatever reason. Most people have a limited amount of money to spend on vacations each year and to expect that they spend that for the time of year and location you chose is unfair IMO.

My brother got married in Vegas last year and to be honest, if he were just a friend instead of a brother, I would have sent a nice gift and passed on actually attending the wedding. I can think of lots of other trips that would have been more my style to spend a couple thousand dollars on.

+1

I travel a lot and I''ve declined close friends'' destination weddings because I would rather spend the money I''ve worked really hard to save in other ways. It''s not that I don''t like my friends any more or less, but I''d rather get them an amazing gift and use my money for things I''ve been saving for.

Maybe they thought the ''money'' excuse would be acceptable and didn''t realize they were being rude, I don''t think they have any bad intentions. I''m positive they did not mean to hurt you and were only trying to prepare you early that they wouldn''t be there as opposed to leaving you to believe they would and then dropping it on you at the last minute that they wouldn''t.

I totally agree. One of my good friends got married in St. Lucia or some place like that and I just couldn''t go because it would''ve been $2,000 for a trip that is not on my list of places to visit. My personal feeling about DW is that I wouldn''t have one unless I could afford to fly in my close family and take care of the expenses. I would not expect people to make a vaca out of my wedding without paying for it.

As for how it came out. People express themselves differently. You can''t take everything personal otherwise you''ll drive yourself crazy. Maybe it was their way of being upfront with you. Who knows? They may still end up coming.

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 1/3/2010 10:12:29 PM
Author: FrekeChild
You should just get over it. I have had so many people talk constantly about how they were coming and blah blah blah.


And it was ALL TALK.


It''s not worth getting upset over. The important part is that your FI and you are there, and SCREW EVERYONE ELSE.


You can tell what kind of day I''ve had...

This is how I am feeling...

Screw everyone else!

It just seems everyone has requests for the wedding (!!), or thinks that they are even invited, or wants it on a different day. I am so ready to not invite anyone!!

 

[that_someone_special]

I just want to thank EVERYONE for putting this in perspective for me. I am feeling much better about this- even if they don''t go.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/3/2010 10:52:07 PM
Author: JerseyGrl81
As a someone who had a destination wedding herself and attended destination weddings of friends, I feel that this is something you should expect when making the choice to have a destination wedding. It is a lot to ask people to take a vacation and spend lots of $$$ to attend your wedding. I feel that if a guest tells you they can not make it you really should except their decision and not question them further. I am sure they have their reasons why and not declining the invite because they don''t WANT to be there. Good luck.

Ditto - its very tough to know what people are thinking, and I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt - for all you know, there is some sort of financial hardship or other issue involved. If they''ve been good friends to you in other ways and continue to be, I''d let it slide. If you are really that hurt, you could ask them about it, but honestly I think it would be better for your friendship to just let it lie.