Guest List Drama...and more! (super long)

[dreaming of the day]

Let me know if I am totally overreacting!

My FI parents are basically footing the bill for our wedding - they chipped in $30,000 and my parents (whom are seperated) chipped in $5,000 (dad) and all of my wedding attire (mom). FI comes from a much more well off family than myself - as you can see from the difference in contributions.

When we first sat down to discuss budget his parents were going to give us $20,000 - $25,000, and we expected to invite around 200 people. Well once my FFIL started with his list, it became almost 375 - I said it was nearly impossible to do with that amount of money. I came home the next day and when I walked in they said "we ar giving you $30,000 for the wedding, do you what you want with it."

It started off great - they said "it''s the bride''s day", "whatever she wants", "we won''t interfere" - until we started with the guest list again... I put everything into "the knot" guest list and before FI and I even put our friends (which we thought 50ppl) it was at 400ppl. Meanwhile I did add some more of my family (distant family) to the list - max 40 more, but I put them on the B list. So even with the addition of more on my side some how they added more people to the list. The number 400 obviously freaked us out considering we can only really have 350 in the venue.

Well we all slept on it and decided we would have another meeting. When I got home last night my FMIL starts with the (after an extremely long day) guest list discussion. My FFIL wasn''t home, and she had the odacity to throw it in my face that "since FFIL is paying for the wedding that he should be able to invite whomever he wants - and that FI and I would have to cut our list" I could not believe that she was throwing that in my face after everthing they has previously said. Its not like we only gave his dad 50 invitees - he invited more than half the list himself. My FMIL excuse for that was that he is an immigrant and doesnt have a ton of family that will come over for the wedding, and that all of his friends are like his family - granted I can except that - but he is inviting sisters and brothers of his friends because it might look bad if he doens''t, and like seven years ago he went hunting with someone and he told them when his son gets married he can come - so they have to be invited... But my FI and I have to cut our friends that we have grown up with and see on a regular basis - I can''t see that as being fair even if he is paying - it isn''t his wedding! I tried compromising by saying: A list - family, B list friends who know bride and groom (we have been together seven years so thats a lot of time to know who I am) C list - people who are not family that I don''t know. Basically C list would be cut and then we could look at cutting B list people. Well that wasn''t acceptable. Anyways we got into a huge yelling, crying fighting match last night. Not only did she start with that, but she finished by starting at what I have spend money on to boot. I gave them the VISA bill (wedding VISA) which had ink for the printer on it (which was for his sisters printer to do the save the dates) she said she wasn''t going to pay for stuff like that - but I saved a ton of money doing the STD''s DIY - if I went to a printer it would cost a lot more than $28 to print them - I just can''t believe that they said they would give us the money and we could do what we wanted, but than watch over me like a hawk and proceed to tell me that I couldn''t spend money on wedding related things.

At this point I am really contemplating a destination wedding, I am tired of fightng and crying over this. I was soooo excited to plan my wedding - and I have been dreaming of it my whole life, but I can''t take this anymore... or I just when my FPIL to plan the wedding and I will just show up.

Did anyone have to deal with anything like this? I know his parents want to pay for the wedding - thats not the case - but it is a struggle with control. If we did a destination wedding we could afford it on our own, but it isn''t what my FI wants at all, and in reality not what I really want either. It is our engagement party this Saturday, and if I had my dress I would just go to City Hall get married and show up to the party with a surprise announcement that we are married, as all of our immediate family and closest friends will be there. Unfortuantely my dress wont be here till March

 

[panda08]

*HUGS* I''m so sorry to hear about all the drama

and that it has made you so upset.

What is your FI''s position about this? I''m of the opinion that each person in the relationship should handle their side of the family''s drama. I think it''s important for couples to make decisions on their own and then let family know what it is. If you and your FI agree that his parents are out of line and the two of you have come up with a solution re the guest list, he should be the one talking to them about it.

I know it''s hard to set boundaries when you''re spending someone else''s money. Your FI should talk to his parents about that too. He should impress upon them that, since they said they are giving you the money to do as you two wish, presumably, it is a gift and there should be no strings attached. If his parents insist on their terms, then that''s another story...

Don''t do a DW if that''s not what either of you want.

Good luck! Hope you find an amicable solution that everyone can live with.

 

[allycat0303]

I''m sorry you''re upset about all this. Honestly, I do think that when someone is paying, they do have a say in the wedding. Even more so if it''s $30, 000, which is really a large sum of money. Ideally of course, parents would pay for it and not say anything, but that is NOT how things work out. I never think it is a good idea to antagonize your in-laws. My suggestion would be to have your fiance talk to his parents. I think it is his job to take care of this stuff. His mom can''t hold it against her own son if he puts his foot down.

We''re paying for the entire wedding, and our resepctive families are STILL telling us what to do. Eventhough they haven''t contributed anything, even for their massive guest list.

. So yeah, families can be a pain.

 

[KimberlyH]

I didn't have to deal with arguments over the guest list or anything else, and I'm very thankful for that. But if I did we would have, and I suggest you, thank them for the offer, but refuse their money and find a way to pay your wedding without it. It really doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, starting off this way means it's highly likely you'll have a lot of arguing, tears, and upset hroughout your engagement and that is not a good way to start your lives together and not the memories you want to create as a couple planning your wedding and life together.

 

[cbs102]

Don't you live with you FIL's too.?. this is a really tough situation. I personally would refuse the money and find a way to pay it on my own because your MIL is nit picking about everything. its only going to get worsE!

 

[Elmorton]

Dreaming, I''m so sorry you''re going through this

I think there are very few people who don''t have a struggle on the guest list front. DH and I invited only 30 friends to our 125 pp (150 invited) wedding, and our parents invited the rest. But because we didn''t foot the bill, I didn''t have much ground to stand on when my mom wanted to invite my grandmother''s cousin (who, btw, wrote back and said "Hi, who are you?") .

The biggest piece of advice I have is to make sure FI is negotiating for you. Go in with a plan before hand, make sure you and he agree on your bottom line, and have your FI do the talking to negotiate with his parents. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of talking to my FI''s parents about wedding planning, etc, and I got into some e-mail exchanges with my SMIL that weren''t pretty. Since they''re used to talking to their son, delicate or emotional issues are best led by him. These folks will be in your family for a very, very long time and there will be plenty of times for disagreements after you''re married.

A friend of mine went through something very similar with her wedding - her parents gave about the same as yours, and her FI''s family, who were much better off, paid for the rest. And of course, her MIL wanted to plan the whole thing. What my friend ended up doing was deciding on the few things that were important to her (her bridal party, the ceremony, choosing the flowers and the music) and asked that she plan those things. Her FMIL basically planned the rest. Unfortunately, the reality is that when someone is paying for the party, they''re the host of the party - which means unless they relinquish control completely to you, they also get to make the calls for where their money is spent. And, by inviting FMIL into the planning, she''ll get to see firsthand how that budget is used. If your FMIL starts heading to menu planning mtgs and sees the space herself, she might have a much easier time narrowing down her list. Say that your $5k is paying for your guests and make the final list that you and your FI want, and let your FMIL go to town. It''s very, very frustrating if your FILs say that they''re relinquishing control and then try to regain it (I remember I was in fumes when my ILs gave us their contribution and then wanted a rehearsal dinner in the priciest restaurant in town - which would have cost more than what they gave us!), but considering how much they''re contributing, it sounds as if they have the right to make those calls.

Sounds like it''s time with a sit-down with FI...figure out what''s absolutely important to you. Do you want a huge wedding where you have less control over the event or do you want just your close friends and immediate families going to be there on a shoe-string budget? It''s possible that eloping is a good idea, but I wouldn''t do it out of anger and frustration.

Best of luck to you - I know it''s rough

 

[fieryred33143]

I don’t want to say that you were overreacting…but I think you got a little too comfortable with their premature “it’s the bride’s day” proclamation. It is hardly ever the bride’s day when someone else is paying for the wedding…especially when that someone else isn’t the parent of the bride.

Honestly DOTD, if you are going to use their money you will have to put up with their rules and also be prepared that by the time the wedding does happen, it won’t be your wedding. There are very few cases where a bride is given money from the in-laws and able to successfully pull off the wedding of their dreams (not to say that it doesn’t happen).

I hope you guys can figure everything out.

 

[meresal]

I'm very sorry that your talk turned into that. I have had issues with my FMIL, but they fall short of screaming and crying (well, not in front of each other anyway...)

I'm giong to start with this... If you are submitting a visa bill to them for what you are spending, then they have not "Given you $30,000 to do with it what you will." Unless the funds have changed bank accounts, then that money is still theirs, and there are going to be tons of strings.

I don't think you should be putting all the balme on the FIL's. You said it yourself that you even added 40 more people to the "B" list. Why? Did you do it becuse they were adding more, so you wanted to as well? You should only have people there that you truly care about.

We are having a guest list of about 350, and only about 100(incl dates) of those are FI and my friends. My parents are paying for the wedding, and I want them to have as much fun as I'm going to have. I'm going to have 100 people around me that I'm friends with. Why wouldn't I want my parents and FI's parents to have their friends there as well. We came to a decision that everyone will have who they want there, and FI and I will make sacrafices if they are needed. Which went over very well, and FI's parents actually voluntarily cut some friends that they weren't as close with anymore. If we get a bunch of neglects, then they will be invited. My parents even made a "B" lsit of some of their friends that weren't quite as important.

I think maybe you need to take a step back and look at this whole situation. I don't know a whole lot of adults that are unstable, but I do know the only time my mom has yelled at me, was when she didn't feel appreciated. If you don't want them to have their hands in your wedding, then I suggest declining the money and having a small intimate wedding that you and your parents can pay for.

 

[purrfectpear]

"He/she who pays, says".

Have the wedding that YOU personally can afford (40 friends) and pay for it yourselves. That''s what people do who want to have their wedding.

 

[Morgie44]

Does the money you have from both sets of parents cover all your expenses for the guests you have from each of your parents? If so, can''t you just foot the bill for your friends and do an A list and B list with your friends? Chances are if your FFIL is inviting people he really isnt that close to and hasn''t seen in years, they won''t come to the wedding. Then, it will clear the way for your friends to come.

 

[bee*]

I agree with PP in that whoever pays has the power. I would refuse the money, thank them for offering it and say that you and your Fi will pay for it yourselves. Then you can have who you want at the wedding without any trouble. Otherwise I do think that you have to accept that if your in-laws are giving that extremely large chunk of money that they are going to want lots of guests there.

 

[so cal girl]

I can understand why you are upset. I had similar issues with my own parents when planning my wedding, since they were paying for the whole thing. The only suggestion I have is for you all to compromise. Yes, it is your wedding, but they are also paying for it, so both of your opinions matter. Just focus on the things that are really important to you, and let the FILs make some of the other choices.

As for the number of guests, just so you know, if you end up inviting 400 people, the chances are slim to none that you will have that many guests show up. I have heard ranges of 60% to 80% for the amount of invited guests that actually come to the wedding. So I don''t think you will have to worry about exceeding the venue max of 350 unless you invite about 450 people. For example, we invited 350 people. 250 replied that they were coming (which was what expected based on a lot of relatives being too elderly to travel accross the country). Only about 235 people showed up. So even if you invite 400 people, you will most likely only get about 300 people. I don''t know if that helps at all, but I just thought I''d mention that.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I''d ditto those who said that your FI needs to do most of the direct negotiating with the Future IL''s. They are his parents and it will really be better coming from him.

Given that, the two of you need to discuss this issue together and present a united front - decide what you want and what you are willing to accept, and then your FI should go to his parents to discuss it. If they bring it up with you, or give you trouble about it, be polite and sweet but firm that you are going to have to refer it to your FI for discussion.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/14/2009 4:25:57 PM
Author: bee*
I agree with PP in that whoever pays has the power. I would refuse the money, thank them for offering it and say that you and your Fi will pay for it yourselves. Then you can have who you want at the wedding without any trouble. Otherwise I do think that you have to accept that if your in-laws are giving that extremely large chunk of money that they are going to want lots of guests there.

Ditto this-I''d rather have a budget wedding with my close friends and family than a lavish wedding with 300 strangers in attendance! Yikes...I do wish you luck!

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 1/14/2009 7:17:39 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 1/14/2009 4:25:57 PM

Author: bee*

I agree with PP in that whoever pays has the power. I would refuse the money, thank them for offering it and say that you and your Fi will pay for it yourselves. Then you can have who you want at the wedding without any trouble. Otherwise I do think that you have to accept that if your in-laws are giving that extremely large chunk of money that they are going to want lots of guests there.

Ditto this-I''d rather have a budget wedding with my close friends and family than a lavish wedding with 300 strangers in attendance! Yikes...I do wish you luck!

Thritto! PP really just said it so perfectly. If you and FI pay for it, it''s your wedding. If FIL''s pay for it, it''s their event to host as they see fit. The only crummy thing they did, really, was say that "it''s your day" when they had other plans. They should have been upfront about their guest list and their requirements before you accepted their offer.

Unfortunately, the misunderstanding has occurred, and you''ve become upset over what should be a happy event. Chalk it up to a learning experience about your FIL''s. Now you know to flesh out the terms of their offers before accepting.

You could ask your FI to intervene on your behalf, but only if you think he has a chance to be heard. Otherwise, why upset him, as well? Without your FIL''s guests, what would your list be? 90--100 people, tops?? And of course not everyone will be able to attend, so you''re looking at a 70 person wedding. You guys can pull that off with yourselves/your mom/your dad chipping in.

So plan to do that. Thank the FIL''s for their extremely generous offer, but explain that you and FI prefer a more intimate wedding, and that you"ll be paying for it yourselves. If they''d like to host a cocktail party after your honeymoon for their extended guest list, they may feel free to do so, and you and DH will be there with bells on, happy as can be.

 

[cara]

Talk to your FI about your concerns/frustration and jointly make a decision about whether to decline his parent''s help or to accept and deal with whatever crap they are going to pull.

If you go the hard route, I would make sure:

1) You FI understands this will be difficult and that he will have to step up in communicating/dealing with his parents

2) You make an estimated budget, perhaps from the knot, that lays out what you expect things to cost. Show this to your inlaws and get them to sign off on it, or adjust it with you both so that they know what things are going to cost. This way there will be no more ''printing'' surprises.

3) Get a firm number from them on how many invites everyone gets. Explain that you can''t keep things on budget unless they keep their invites to what they originally told you, and that at some point you will start stressing about your 350 person limit at the venue.

I realize you may think you have done these things already, but do them again and MAKE SURE that your FI is there and signed on for everything.

I can''t stress enough that you have to get your FI on board with whatever decisions and promises are made. You also need to explain how difficult his parents are being and prepare him for how difficult it may prove to be to have his parents pulling strings with their money. Relying on his parent''s money means you are exposed to their whims and abuse. You have no way to prevent this besides reasoning with them, or declining their money - which is what I would recommend you do!

One last note, if his parents are paying so they do get to dictate their terms. Unfortunately their terms are also changeable. Your mistake was in adding extra guests for something resembling "parity". I think it is pretty clear that there will be no parity if you let them pay, but getting your FI to see that and want something else is a different matter. Its his wedding too, and if he wants the big, parent-ensnared mess of a wedding, please dump a lot of the planning on his plate and save yourself some of the stress! (And remove any "bride''s day" delusions from your head...) It is also possible that his parents will be more reasonable interacting with their son than you.

Best of luck!

 

[dreaming of the day]

Worked everything out with my FIL''s - so thanks everyone for your support and suggestions. My FIL''s and I are extremely close (we live together) that we are literally just like family - and well we fight like real families too! I had a meeting with the caterer yesterday which my FMIL was suppossed to attend with me - so I called to see if she still wanted to and she said how sorry they were and how much they really truly love me and that they were sorry things just got out of hand - I of course apologized as well, and than we just let it go.
Sometimes I just really need to vent and let things out - and I love reading people''s responses because it usually puts me in my place and it is real advice.
I know it is hard to explain my situation because well not a lot of people live with their in-laws, but they are just as much family as my own, and so we can push eachothers buttons, say things we regret, and scream at the top of our lungs, and the next day realize we both got carried away and not hold it against eachother.

The catering meeting went absolutely fantastic, basically everything I wanted we can have and he doesn''t charge for things like a cake cutting fee, or corkage fee - and he will let us do our own appies and desserts (a big thing for the famililes traditions)

More good news - It''s my Engagement Party this Saturday!!!!!

I am sooo excited! All of my family - cousins and all- from out of town are coming and I am thrilled that they see my engagement as such an occassion to come all that way and celebrate!
It''s almost like a wedding, we have over 75 people coming - but I think it will be a fabulous occassion.

Thanks again for not judging and allowing me to just get it all out!!!

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/15/2009 2:35:55 PM
Author: dreaming of the day

Worked everything out with my FIL''s - so thanks everyone for your support and suggestions. My FIL''s and I are extremely close (we live together) that we are literally just like family - and well we fight like real families too! I had a meeting with the caterer yesterday which my FMIL was suppossed to attend with me - so I called to see if she still wanted to and she said how sorry they were and how much they really truly love me and that they were sorry things just got out of hand - I of course apologized as well, and than we just let it go.
Sometimes I just really need to vent and let things out - and I love reading people''s responses because it usually puts me in my place and it is real advice.
I know it is hard to explain my situation because well not a lot of people live with their in-laws, but they are just as much family as my own, and so we can push eachothers buttons, say things we regret, and scream at the top of our lungs, and the next day realize we both got carried away and not hold it against eachother.

The catering meeting went absolutely fantastic, basically everything I wanted we can have and he doesn''t charge for things like a cake cutting fee, or corkage fee - and he will let us do our own appies and desserts (a big thing for the famililes traditions)

More good news - It''s my Engagement Party this Saturday!!!!!

I am sooo excited! All of my family - cousins and all- from out of town are coming and I am thrilled that they see my engagement as such an occassion to come all that way and celebrate!

It''s almost like a wedding, we have over 75 people coming - but I think it will be a fabulous occassion.

Thanks again for not judging and allowing me to just get it all out!!

I''m very glad that you all are on good terms again, but to be honest, I don''t think this is something that you should just "move past". It seems like just letting the steam settle before it roars again... Did you all even talk about a compromise? or are you just going to try again later?

 

[dreaming of the day]

Meresal: Yes we did come to a compromise, we are both cutting our guest lists down.

 

[meresal]

I''m happy to hear it. I just didn''t want you to have to go thru all of that again!!

 

[brendaman]

I know you''ve started your plans already, but might I suggest that you think about getting a wedding planner. Your budget could probably afford it, and you could convince your FILss that it''s actually a good idea financially when it''s time to negotiate with vendors or select vendors who provide more bang for $. The wedding planner should have lots of experience with mediating certain decisions or differences in opinions between FIs or FIs and FILs.

When some friends were getting married and the FILs, who were footing the entire wedding bill wanted this and that, it was a wedding planner who mediated the compromises and said time out when it got too heated. FILs always came around saying, "well, I suppose the Planner has more experience in these things that we do" and this was the 3rd wedding in the family!

I know things are probably OK now, but you may not want another bump in the road.

 

[honey22]

I get really angry when people think that if they contribute they have a right to what goes in someone elses wedding. If you give money for someone elses wedding it should be a gift for them to have their dream day, not yours.

I would honestly give the money back and make it on your own. You will never have to regret a single decision when you are paying for it yourself. Don''t let anyone else stuff it up for you.

 

[Izzy03]

Oh NO! I feel for you, and YES I did go through something very similar.

When I first started planning my wedding, I agreed to have a small wedding with 100 people. I told FI to make a list of 50 ppl, and I would do the same. Well FFIL had a heart attack! He said there was no way he could invite less that 200 of his own friends and family and that he would give up his seat at the wedding before he would tell someone they weren''t invited. He used to own several businesses in small towns so he was worried about hurting his former customer''s and employees'' feelings. And he hadn''t seen some of these people in 10 years! To make matters worse, my parents are footing the entire bill! His parents didn''t ever offer to contribute, but you want MY parents to feed 200 of your "friends" that you haven''t seen in ages? NO.

I stuck to my guns and told my fiance and his family that I did NOT want a large wedding, and since they couldn''t deal with a small one, so maybe we would have a tiny destination wedding or elope. After a few days they caved and I got my way. FI was on my side each step of the way.

My advice: DON''T LET THEM SEE THE UGLY SIDE OF YOU!! I always stayed very calm and understanding in front of his family and they cried and screamed to my mom later. Tell them this wedding is not turning out how you planned and that you are thinking of "alternative" wedding options. Hopefully once they see you are not happy they will change their minds! GOOD LUCK!