Gowns and Church Regulations

[AGBF]

I have posted before that to me strapless dresses (I almost made a Freudian slip and wrote "topless"!) don't look bridal. I know that they are practically the only style worn by fashionable brides now, however.

As I watched the gown thread unfold, and saw all the gowns, I wondered if any of you who are about to marry have been affected by new church rules. Before I left Connecticut one Catholic church (or it may have just been one priest at that church) made the decision to create a a dress code for brides. One priest was quoted as saying he was marrying people who were practically unclothed. I believe that his rule was that the bride not have a bare back or shoulders or a plunging neckline.

New Englanders are certainly more puritanical than people in some other areas (like California!). Has anyone posting here given guidelines on what she can or cannot wear in church (or synagogue or mosque or whatever)?

 

[AGBF]

Since no one picked up on this and everyone is buying strapless gowns, I assume this is a non-issue. It made me wonder (with all the talk about beach weddings and other weddings) how many people even marry in a church. Anyone?

 

[abradabra]

I''m getting married in a Catholic Church. It was really important to both my fiance and I a true religious ceremony in a church, but we are very traditional, so it fits our personalities. It was also important to both sets of parents. It''s funny because my dad isn''t Catholic and my mom converted (from Catholicism) when she married him, but they both said they were excited about the Catholic ceremony because "You can''t beat the Catholic Church when it comes to liturgy."

We''re doing the full mass as well because although it can be annoying for our non-Catholic guests, we think it adds to the "sacramental" aspect of the marriage ceremony. Plus, the fiance''s sister is getting married on the beach and I think his parents would have been really unhappy if both of their children got married without a full Catholic mass...

As to your original question, both my local parish and the parish in which we are getting married don''t have a problem with strapless gowns, but one of my friends at work had to have her dress altered to include straps because of her parish''s rules. I think it depends on the Diocese and the individual parish, but I''m thankful I didn''t have to worry about that when shopping for my dress.

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

my angel and I will be getting married in a Catholic Church, some time after Easter 2006 most likely, so I don't know about the dress regulations yet, but it is an interesting point... but as I don't get to see the dress before the wedding anyroad, I guess it won't affect me...

but it doesn't matter what she wears, she will look gorgeous in anything. still... I really wish I could help pick out the perfect dress, it would be so much fun!!! most of the dresses in the other thread are amazing, I think pricescopers have great taste

 

[lindsal]

If I were to get married in the catholic church that all my family attends (and has atteneded for a LONG time) the rules are: No Strapless. No corset dresses without a FULL privacy panel. No music not pre-sanctioned by the priest. No flowers not pre santcioned by the head of the rectory. Even if you have hired a wedding coordinator, you must a) pay the churches coordinator and b) agree that the churches coordinator is in control of all that occurs at the ceremony.

UGH!!!> THESE ARE SOME OF THE MANY REASONS I AM GETTING MARRIED ON A GOLF COURSE. So yeah, in some dioceses the pendulum has swung way back and brides who are caught unaware are I am sure VERY unhappy.

 

[JCJD]

I am also getting married in a church, but I''m not restricted concerning my strapless corset-style dress. We attend a pretty "hip" modern church - if your choice of attire, your choice to drink alcohol, your choice to dance, etc, doesn''t cause you and your brothers and sisters in Christ around you to stumble in your walk with God, then you should enjoy life responsibly.

lindsal - I can understand the attire regulations and even the music, but your flowers have to be pre-approved??? What, are roses and tulips now the instruments of Satan???

abradabra - I have a good friend from high school who had a full Catholic mass at their wedding (2002). I thought it was amazing and beautiful, even though I personally had a falling out with Catholicism early on (parents divorced, I was 12, youngest bro was 3, church treated us kids like sinners and outcasts = BAD BAD BAD EXPERIENCE). Enjoy your service - it will be incredible!!

 

[lindsal]

JCJD - The reason I was given for flowers having to be aprroved is as follows: "As they are placed upon Christ''s Holy Alter, we want to insure that they are tasteful and in line with what the Church itself would place there." There is also a phrase in the wedding manual the church puts out about "if you have live pottable flowers, please consider donating them to the chruch for it''s garden after your use for your ceremony."

 

[chantal990]

Date: 12/13/2004 12:24

1 PM
Author: lindsal
JCJD - The reason I was given for flowers having to be aprroved is as follows: ''As they are placed upon Christ''s Holy Alter, we want to insure that they are tasteful and in line with what the Church itself would place there.'' There is also a phrase in the wedding manual the church puts out about ''if you have live pottable flowers, please consider donating them to the chruch for it''s garden after your use for your ceremony.''

Donating them????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Isn''t asking that a bit tacky on the part of the church? Just my 2¢

 

[researcher]

I''m getting married in a UCC church, my dad''s a minister, and I''m wearing a strapless dress. I think the times have really changed. That being said, I have Jewish friends who have to wear a shawl or other cover up over their dresses during the actual uniting of the couple (they can''t show skin), but there don''t seem to be rules for the ceremony the guests attend.

 

[Girls-best-friend]

QUOTE

lindsal - I can understand the attire regulations and even the music, but your flowers have to be pre-approved??? What, are roses and tulips now the instruments of Satan???


LOL NON STOP!

 

[MelissaSue]

Our catholic church doesn''t have any rules that I know of about dresses.

Has anyone seen eden bridals has a "temple-ready" line of very covered-up long sleeve dresses? I personally find them very unnattractive, but i guess if you have to be all covered up, its nice that someone makes dresses with that specifically in mind.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 12/14/2004 2

1:41 AM
Author: researcher
I''m getting married in a UCC church, my dad''s a minister, and I''m wearing a strapless dress. I think the times have really changed.

Well...if UCC is United Church of Christ which is Congregational, times might not have had to change. The Unitarian-Universalists and the Conregationalists are a little bit more relaxed than a lot of other churches .

Deb, who has attended both

PS-It was a *Catholic* church about which I read.

 

[abradabra]

To be honest with you guys, I do understand that a lot of these rules seem ridiculous to us, but I also understand where these churches are coming from. A wedding ceremony reflects on more than just the couple being married, like it or not, it reflects on the church and the officiant as well. They do have a reputation to protect. And although I''m sure that no one here would every do anything wasn''t exceedingly tasteful

, some people really do not have a great deal of respect for the spirit of the traditions and customs in a particular religious institutions.

I think as brides/grooms, we often get caught up in the attitude that whatever we want for our wedding, we should get! If you want to get married in a particular religion, especially a highly institutionalized religion like the Catholic Church, you have to be willing to let the ceremony be less about you and more about the type of ceremony that religion has to offer. If you aren''t willing to do that, there are an infinite number of beautiful other options that you can make all about you.

Date: 12/14/2004 1:25:30 AM
Author: Emeraldgirl

Date: 12/13/2004 12:24

1 PM
Author: lindsal
JCJD - The reason I was given for flowers having to be aprroved is as follows ''As they are placed upon Christ''s Holy Alter, we want to insure that they are tasteful and in line with what the Church itself would place there. There is also a phrase in the wedding manual the church puts out about ''if you have live pottable flowers, please consider donating them to the chruch for it''s garden after your use for your ceremony.''

Donating them????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Isn''t asking that a bit tacky on the part of the church? Just my 2¢

As an aside, I do agree that it is a bit tacky to ask for the donation, but I think it is extremely tacky to put flowers anywhere in the church, but especially on the ALTAR of all places, and then take them back. I could never imagine placing flowers in a church for any ceremony (wedding, funeral, baptism, etc.) and not donating them!

 

[lindsal]

Abradabra, i totally agree that flowers used in the church should stay in the church and not be transported elsewhere for re-use... UNLESS the church chooses to do so (say senior center or garden for pottable flowers.)

Also agree that the church has every right to set limitations and suggestions on what is and what it not approriate for the sanctity of the sacrement of marriage, the church, the congregation.

What really gets MY knickers in a twist though is the very unfriendly (and costly) manner in which it is all presented to me. No this. No that. We approve music, etc...

And then comes the ... and oh, by the way, on top of all the money your family gives this church through tithing and choir contributions and office help contributions and tending said garden which the flowers would go into... there is a $500 fee for use of the church, $125 for the wedding coordinator, the dontation/gratuity for the officant and again, the cost of said flowers. All the sudden getting married in the church my family raised me in was going to cost over $1000. Somehow, this all just sat really wrong with me.

DF father is a Deacon in another diocese of the Catholic church, which does not follow such a) strict or b) costly rules. After hearing our reasons, and his knowledge that his lapsed catholic son would be fairly making a mockery of the sacrement of marriage in it''s holy state just to please others.. he is now seems at peace with our decision to get married by a JOP on the golf course where we are holding our reception. It WAS however, touch and go there for a while. Now we are just trying to sooth the Grandmothers on both sides.

 

[abradabra]

I agree with you completely. I certainly would never argue that churches don''t overstep the boundary between what is reasonably necessary to protect the church''s reputation and the sanctity of marriage... Dana Carvey''s Church Lady does exist I''m sure, as scary as that may be. And chances are, she''s a wedding coordinator for her particular church! Ha!

Wedding ceremonies should never be a monetary hardship (or even inconvenience!), especially for parish members. They should want to work WITH you and not boss you around. My concern was just that I didn''t want anyone reading this thread to get the idea that all these rules were without reason and that all churches are crazy (I certainly don''t think anyone who posted here had that attitude, but wanted to present the other side of the argument). I think it''s tragic that your parish was so uptight about things that it put a damper on your wedding ceremony. Which is the exact opposite of what rules like that are supposed to do!

It sounds like you''ll have a beautiful ceremony regardless, so no harm, no foul!

 

[sparkler29]

Hi everone - while this isn''t an issue for me personally, I thought I''d jump in to say that I''ve come across some gorgeous lace coats and shrugs/jackets that could be worn over a strapless dress during the ceremony and then removed later. That might be a lovely solution. I''ll see if I can find some pictures.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 12/14/2004 2:33:40 PM
Author: sparkler29
Hi everone - while this isn't an issue for me personally, I thought I'd jump in to say that I've come across some gorgeous lace coats and shrugs/jackets that could be worn over a strapless dress during the ceremony and then removed later. That might be a lovely solution. I'll see if I can find some pictures.

I've been thinking about getting a wedding coat/shrug for the reception, so I'd love some pictures of what you've found! We want an outdoors reception at dad's house, and Nebraska weather is famously unpredictable, so I want to be prepared for the weather but still bridal.

ETA: lindsal - I see... but I agree with abradabra somewhat - what flower arrangement wouldn't be tasteful?? Oh well, each church is somewhat different and has the liberty to do what they want in their own sanctuary. I'm glad your future FIL understands your desire to not marry in that church though! I agree that some things must be regulated (probably shouldn't wear a bikini swimsuit in your church wedding, for example), but some places, secular halls too, place so many restrictions on what can and cannot be done there that it gets ridiculous! Cake cutting fees anyone??

 

[Nicrez]

I considered getting married in the Catholic church I grew up in, but we will be getting married at the recption site by a priest of a christian denomination.

I have a strapless dress, as I personally can''t stand the look of a closed gown on me, but had considered getting a cover-up jacket for the church. But luckily the flower restrictions, and the music restrictions didn''t dissuade me from the church wedding, the "required" donation, and the insensitive way they rush their bride and grooms out, as well as the rules for marrying in a church. My sister and my brother both got married there, and the way they were treated like just another client made me so angry. Prhaps not all churches are so insensitive, but I would rather have a quiet, and relaxed atmosphere where I can wear my strapless dress, and put my flowers whereever I want without being judged or pushed and still be in the presence of God, who I believe resides where two people lovingly join together in holy matrimony...

Don''t mean to be preachy, but I personally think you can have a holy union outside a church... It''s even holier to have that union LAST, as many church weddings I have been to didn''t...

 

[AGBF]

Date: 12/14/2004 9:29:45 PM
Author: Nicrez
I would rather have a quiet, and relaxed atmosphere where I can wear my strapless dress, and put my flowers whereever I want without being judged or pushed and still be in the presence of God, who I believe resides where two people lovingly join together in holy matrimony...

I completely agree, although I do not believe that the Catholic church will consider you married. (I also do not know if that matters to you!)

My brother has been married for many years (although not for as many as I have been), but his wife is Catholic. He had to attend the pre-marital classes; marry in the church; and agree that his children would be brought up as Catholics. He did *not* have to convert to Catholicism.

Although my gown was perfectly modest (as I have said elsewhere, it was *dowdy* by today's standards!) I had to abide by certain rules set down by the minister of the Unitarian-Universalist church in which I got married. In those days no one thought of dress restrictions, but the only flowers allowed were a hanging basket in the front of the church and photographs and a movie (no videotapes then) could only be taken from the very back of the church during the service. (We were allowed to *POSE* for pictures later, but it was not the same!) The minister told me that when people want photographs and movies that will disturb the service that he wonders if they are getting married for the pictures!!!! Yes, I still remember having to swallow that .

 

[reena]

Date: 12/13/2004 10:34:33 AM
Author: lindsal

UGH!!!> THESE ARE SOME OF THE MANY REASONS I AM GETTING MARRIED ON A GOLF COURSE.

amen to that.

there is no church wedding in my future.

 

[chantal990]

Date: 12/14/2004 8:20:36 AM
Author: abradabra
To be honest with you guys, I do understand that a lot of these rules seem ridiculous to us, but I also understand where these churches are coming from. A wedding ceremony reflects on more than just the couple being married, like it or not, it reflects on the church and the officiant as well. They do have a reputation to protect. And although I''m sure that no one here would every do anything wasn''t exceedingly tasteful

, some people really do not have a great deal of respect for the spirit of the traditions and customs in a particular religious institutions.

I think as brides/grooms, we often get caught up in the attitude that whatever we want for our wedding, we should get! If you want to get married in a particular religion, especially a highly institutionalized religion like the Catholic Church, you have to be willing to let the ceremony be less about you and more about the type of ceremony that religion has to offer. If you aren''t willing to do that, there are an infinite number of beautiful other options that you can make all about you.

Date: 12/14/2004 1:25:30 AM
Author: Emeraldgirl

Date: 12/13/2004 12:24

1 PM
Author: lindsal
JCJD - The reason I was given for flowers having to be aprroved is as follows ''As they are placed upon Christ''s Holy Alter, we want to insure that they are tasteful and in line with what the Church itself would place there. There is also a phrase in the wedding manual the church puts out about ''if you have live pottable flowers, please consider donating them to the chruch for it''s garden after your use for your ceremony.''

Donating them????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Isn''t asking that a bit tacky on the part of the church? Just my 2¢

As an aside, I do agree that it is a bit tacky to ask for the donation, but I think it is extremely tacky to put flowers anywhere in the church, but especially on the ALTAR of all places, and then take them back. I could never imagine placing flowers in a church for any ceremony (wedding, funeral, baptism, etc.) and not donating them!

I agree that it is a waste to remove the flowers just throw them out and that you should respect your church and behave in a fitting way to show that respect but I just thought that such and obvious request for the flowers was a little offputting especially as there may be people who wish to do other things with them. I had a friend who had a surplus with the flowers from her wedding and ended up donating them to a local hospital to cheer up others and I thought it was a great idea.

 

[sparkler29]

JCJD - don''t know if you''ve seen the recent (Winter) Martha Stewart Weddings, but there are a few GORGEOUS lace/beaded coats in the dress section. They are truly spectacular (and probably very expensive

). I think it looks lovely worn over a simple dress. You could also probably find a pretty beaded cape or shrug, which are very popular right now. i love that vintage-y look!

 

[fire&ice]

Wow - I''m surprised by many things said hear. First, it was out of respect that you wore a shawl, cover up or long veil in any Church/Temple in my day. It was good form. Second, we had no restrictions put upon us at all. We were married in a Catholic Church. We had no wedding coordinator. The only thing we had to pay was the customary "tip" for the officiating Priest. Again, it didn''t have to be spelled out that the flowers to decorate the Church was *indeed* a donation to the Church. It was memo''d in the bulletin on Sunday regarding your donation.

Not to sound like an old fuddy duddy, but I wonder if this prevailing "whatever you want goes" thought had prompted the restrictions. The few "out there" people may have ruined it for the rest. Does anyone think playing "She Bangs" in a Church service appropriate?

BTW, the strapless debate has always been an issue even in the bridesmaid dresses. I can remember wearing strapless; but, in the church we always had a cover-up. It wasn''t a rule. Just what one did.