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Good girl tendencies

Begonia

Begonia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 2, 2011
Messages
3,673
I was born in '66 and raised in the 70's, early 80's, and I'm a good girl.

It explains a lot. Why I got bullied and harassed 2 years ago and the company didn't take action after I brought it forward, why I've been underpaid vs my male coworkers at times, why my work place injury wasn't taken seriously by my doctor and our workers compensation board, why they shift lazy coworkers with me. The list goes on.

Here's the really sad part: I'm just now realizing the extent of my tendencies to people please, stay quiet, don't make waves and clean up messes.

Why post this? I reckon I'll shout it from the rooftop too if I have to. Maybe this is my meeting? Hi, I'm Begonia, and I'm a good girl. I was this way for the first half of my life but I sure as hell don't plan on doing it for the next half.

Thank you.

PS: Ruth Bader Ginsberg is not on our radar in Canada.
Saw a documentary on her the other day. Thanks Ruth, from all of us.
 
@Begonia I was a good girl too growing up...I listened to my parents (for the most part) and worked hard in school getting all As and joined things despite not being a joiner. I wanted to please my parents and my teachers and to that end I was on the swim team, editor in chief of the HS paper, etc. Despite not being particularly excited about it and I loathed being on the swim team the whole time. I took ice skating lessons for many years and gymnastics lessons and ballet and clarinet and piano and you name it I did it. Or that is how it felt at the time.

However, somewhere between HS and adulthood I wised up and starting being good to me. I stopped doing things to please others and started taking care of myself. It took some time to get comfortable with it but I can safely say it was worth the effort. So being a good girl has more than one meaning now. I am a good girl. Good to myself first and good to others as much as I can be without self sacrificing too much of myself if you kwim.

Glad you are aware and that is truly the first step. It is possible to be a "good" girl and take good care of yourself too. The key is putting yourself first and being self aware. Good luck from one fellow good girl to another.

gogirl.gif


ETA: it is a work in progress by the way. Don't get discouraged. It is not linear and it is OK. Just remember you deserve to take care of you and you cannot nor should you try to please everyone all the time. And that is OK. You please you and take care of you. Or as the saying goes..."You do you".
 
Ahhh, missy. Thank you for writing in, giving your testimonial and above all, not arguing with me about it. I've no interest in arguing or debating about this. It's a realization, an epiphany, and it's mine.

The sad part? Just realizing it now. I've not been a pushover, but in many key areas, I was a good girl. I dislike conflict, and have a 'quit arguing and let's just get 'er done' attitude. Growing up with abuse, and trying to avoid being a target, being a people pleaser...it all plays in to it.

Yes! Ok! Baby steps, big steps, be patient. Wise counsel. These tendencies run deep. I'm just beginning.
 
I was raised to be a good girl, too.
My sister was a rebel, and was alway being punished. I saw this and knew early on that I wanted to please my parents, not anger them.
I got the good grades, came home on time, called Mom if I was going to be late, etc.
Not to mention that in our Italian family, serving the men was top priority. We women were on the bottom of the totem pole. So I rarely made waves and said "Yes" to everything.

After my divorce, I realized that I had to step up to the plate and fight for ME.
No one will help you except you. So now, I fight for what I want.
I have been known to stand firm with my employers, and fight insurance, hospital charges, and anything else that doesn't go as planned.
I don't take sh*t from people any more.
 
I hear you stracci, esp the part about serving men in your first family.

I have had a voice throughout much of my life, but the line has been wavy at times. More importantly, I'm just realizing my boundaries have been fluid. Huh.

Well, realizations are good.
 
Dear Begonia, I could have written your post. I’m tired of being a good girl. Let’s rebel!
 
im a good girl too
and you wanna know how far its got me in life ?
absolutely zero
ive watched the - lets say 'less-good girls' make mistakes, stuff things up, hurt people, often break the law yet being congratulated and encouraged in their slightly more positive endeavours, they have so many times been promoted over me


im also nice and kind so i have 3 things aganist me
i hope God is taking note - becsuse no one else is

oh and i was average at school so i was completly under the radar for any sort of positive encouragement - i have had teachers who basically never even talked to me for the whole year
 
One reason people, especially females, are trained this way is to make it easier to gain power over them.

This child-raising technique is also used by certain society-influencing organizations.

Glob forbid we were all equal.
If we were, nobody would get to be superior.
This crap is all about bad people maintaining the status quo, their superiority.

I do believe we are making progress though ... but it's two steps forward and one step back.
 
Last edited:
kenny said:
One reason people, especially females, are trained this way is to make it easier to gain power over them.

This technique is also used by certain society-influencing organizations.

Glob forbid we were all equal.
If we were, nobody would get to be superior.
Click to expand...

but why do people have to be mean about it ?
:(2
 
I'm a good girl as well, and for the most part, I am glad I am. I certainly was an over achiever who wanted to please my parents, but I enjoyed my activities as well. I never did anything to embarrass them, or myself. For the most part anyway....:)

All the women on both sides of my family took care of their partners, their children, their communities, and their careers....when they had them. Yes, they should have taken care of themselves more. However, these roll models were strong with a capital S. These women were my examples, and I've tried to follow in their footsteps, but it hasn't been easy.

I'm just learning now that it's ok to say no; that I don't have to be a superwoman. I've also learned that I can forgive someone, but not allow them to remain in my life if they continue to treat me poorly. Somewhere along the line I had forgotten that, and I wasn't setting a great example for my daughter.

I just want to be the best person, wife, mom that I can be. I just have to learn that I'm never going to get it 100% right, because no one is perfect. And maybe it's those little human imperfections that make us even more special.
 
Diamond Girl 21 said:
I'm a good girl as well, and for the most part, I am glad I am. I certainly was an over achiever who wanted to please my parents, but I enjoyed my activities as well. I never did anything to embarrass them, or myself. For the most part anyway....:)

All the women on both sides of my family took care of their partners, their children, their communities, and their careers....when they had them. Yes, they should have taken care of themselves more. However, these roll models were strong with a capital S. These women were my examples, and I've tried to follow in their footsteps, but it hasn't been easy.

I'm just learning now that it's ok to say no; that I don't have to be a superwoman. I've also learned that I can forgive someone, but not allow them to remain in my life if they continue to treat me poorly. Somewhere along the line I had forgotten that, and I wasn't setting a great example for my daughter.

I just want to be the best person, wife, mom that I can be. I just have to learn that I'm never going to get it 100% right, because no one is perfect. And maybe it's those little human imperfections that make us even more special.
Click to expand...

Posts like yours raises questions for everyone here ...
Are mothers and fathers today teaching their kids all the things you had to learn later in life?
Have they stopped teaching things they have to unlearn later in life?

Or are we still teaching them that every aspect of their lives must emulate some Barbie ideal?
 
I'm not a good girl, and I agree with what you've said and how you've felt, @Begonia. I've had to be so flipping pro-active with doctors when I was physically and/or emotionally falling apart. I've sought second opinions. I always speak up for myself now, after having to go through hell in my 30s.

At work, I've talked back to my dept. head and didn't get fired, even though my voice was raised, and I walked out of the office. That was 30 years ago though. I hated that job and have nightmares about it to this day.

Luckily, I now have good doctors and great pharmacists. Makes a world of difference. Women suffer at the hands of healthcare professionals. It's a known fact. Seek out better care. And speak up and get second and third opinions if necessary.
 
kenny said:
Posts like yours raises questions for everyone here ...
Are mothers and fathers today teaching their kids all the things you had to learn later in life?
Have they stopped teaching things they have to unlearn later in life?

Or are we still teaching them that every aspect of their lives must emulate some Barbie ideal?
Click to expand...

I'm confused by your question. There weren't any "Barbie ideals" in my family. The point is to just be the best you can without beating yourself up when can't. And also, to take care of yourself and not allow others to mistreat you. Hopefully, I am teaching that to my daughter.
 
Daisys and Diamonds said:
im a good girl too
and you wanna know how far its got me in life ?
absolutely zero
ive watched the - lets say 'less-good girls' make mistakes, stuff things up, hurt people, often break the law yet being congratulated and encouraged in their slightly more positive endeavours, they have so many times been promoted over me


im also nice and kind so i have 3 things aganist me
i hope God is taking note - becsuse no one else is

oh and i was average at school so i was completly under the radar for any sort of positive encouragement - i have had teachers who basically never even talked to me for the whole year
Click to expand...

I’m taking note @Daisys and Diamonds...I think you are a special person. I knew it the first time you posted.
 
Daisys and Diamonds said:
oh thank you dear mamabean - i do remember you saying some lovelly and encouraging to me =)2

i am coming back to the NIRDI thread, but when i feel better
Click to expand...

Please come back as soon as you can because we would really miss you if you stay away too long..xxxooo
 
I was raised to be a very dutiful daughter...but I started rebelling pretty early on, maybe high school? It's not that I completely distrust authority figures in my life-- but I learned early on that I'll have to advocate for myself since my interests and theirs don't always intersect. Nowadays, I apply it to all elements of my life, from work to interpersonal relationships to even gem sellers (lol).
 
@Begonia I can completely relate to this, my parents were very hard on me when I was a kid and I never stood up for myself. It kind of translated to not knowing how to stand up for myself.

It took until my late 20s to learn how to do it but I also learned the positive effects of being disagreeable about issues when I feel I should be. I never liked to cause more stress to situations than was needed, and just tried to diffuse or reduce whatever was happening to try and end the immediate tension. The end result many times was me getting the short end of the stick and being put through the proverbial mincer.

I learned that people actually respect you if you stand up for yourself in those situations, obviously someone who is on the attack all the time is hard to associate with in many scenarios. However looking back now there were several times I should have stood up for myself in life and didn't do it. I know better now.

kenny said:
Posts like yours raises questions for everyone here ...
Are mothers and fathers today teaching their kids all the things you had to learn later in life?
Have they stopped teaching things they have to unlearn later in life?
Click to expand...

Yes, I would say the same mistakes have been happening for a long time but they're being increasingly made by more parents now. We're doing our absolute best to raise Finn into a brave, courageous and likeable little guy by using more of a model on what not to do by the examples of our parents than what we think we should be doing. It's actually a free way of parenting because the list of things to not do is by far smaller than what people think you should do, but realistically cannot be fully completed. As long as I don't let my kid go hungry, don't fail to pay the bills and don't intervene too much in his learning and socialising with other kids then I think we will have the son we're hoping to have and that the world deserves.
 
My parents raised us to question things, even themselves While they did ride us hard on the education side, the other side of that was a lot of love and some life lessons. I don't think I fit into a particular mold. I wasn't a good girl, didn't want to have "good girl" stuff if you know what I mean. I hated dresses, worked on cars with my dad, had male friends, didn't want kids, wanted to rule the world...lol

So yes, I was quite the rebel who marched to her own drumbeat...always.
 
kenny said:
Posts like yours raises questions for everyone here ...
Are mothers and fathers today teaching their kids all the things you had to learn later in life?
Have they stopped teaching things they have to unlearn later in life?

Or are we still teaching them that every aspect of their lives must emulate some Barbie ideal?
Click to expand...

I have to say that I shared some honest, personal opinions, and find it incredibly insulting that you would refer to my family/roll models as Barbie ideals". You have no idea what these women have been through and experienced during their lives.

Further, I don't appreciate you saying "a post like mine raises questions for everyone here".

I'm not trying to start an issue, but I'm confused by your comments.
 
I had a very domineering mother. There were some cultural and religious things going on in my house as well. We were catholic and my dad is Italian. I’m not saying every Italian home raises their women like mine did, but in my house, the women served the men and the boys. Doted on them. That is what was expected. No one questioned it. When I was in it, I enjoyed it. It felt like I was showing them love. I didn’t realize what was happening. I was praised and rewarded for my servitude.

And I was dealt with harshly by the domineering one if I ever stepped out of line.

This actually led to a period of rebellion in my life when I left the house. Drug use and partying happened. I would tell anyone to get screwed who came within a rabbit’s hair of my boundaries. This was rage. This was a release for all of that suppression that happened during childhood.

When I had my son, I automatically went right back into that good girl model. Toxic. Once again, I thought it was my way of showing love to his father, to my son. His father saw it as weakness and abused me. I eventually left.

I have done it again in my marriage! This time i am in therapy. My therapist tells me that I need to be comfortable with anger. I’m not. I’m afraid of it. He says when I feel it to immediately express it in a constructive way. Ok..so I’ve been doing that and it is shocking to my family. LOL. They are so used to subservient mom and wife, not mom who sticks up for herself. I am fixing this! I express anger and they don’t melt! So, this is a very long way of saying I’m working on it. Hopefully you can identify the feeling you are having difficulty expressing and find a way to express it in a constructive manner....
 
Diamond girl21.
Though your thread was the one I quoted I wasn't replying to you personally. though I can now see how it seemed that way.
Sorry.

Your thread just brought up some things that other posts also brought up.
Nothing personal, and I had no intent whatsoever to insult you.

I didn't say that YOUR family was Barbie-anything.
I was referring to sentiments and observations raised by many posters in this thread about how women being raised to be "good girls" backfires on some later in life.
 
kenny said:
Diamond girl21.
Though your thread was the one I quoted I wasn't replying to you personally. though I can now see how it seemed that way.
Sorry.

Your thread just brought up some things that other posts also brought up.
Nothing personal, and I had no intent whatsoever to insult you.

I didn't say that YOUR family was Barbie-anything.
I was referring to sentiments and observations raised by many posters in this thread about how women being raised to be "good girls" backfires on some later in life.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I appreciate the clarification.
 
Begonia said:
Here's the really sad part: I'm just now realizing the extent of my tendencies to people please, stay quiet, don't make waves and clean up messes.
Click to expand...

This is not the sad part! Better late than never, this is wonderful.

I went through a tough time while in college, dealing with mental illness of a parent. A (toxic) friend talked me into seeing one of the university psychologists to deal with my parent issues. The first appointment I told the psychologist why I was there. On the second appointment, the psychologist gently mentioned that I wasn't discussing my parent at all, but complaining about my friendships - in particular the one with toxic friend. I started to realize that I deliberately surrounded myself with people who had worse problems than I did - probably to forget my own. I was a regular Dear Abby to my friends, always listening to their endless issues and giving all kinds of advice (that they never took). It was draining me. On the third appointment the psychologist asked me what I thought would happen if I told friend that I wasn't available for her. I said that friend would be very angry! Psychologist: "But being there for her makes you angry. If someone is going to be angry, why does it have to be you every time?"

That changed my life. If a decision or action I need to make is going to make someone angry, that someone is not going to be me.
 
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