Going back to work

[Maisie]

Hi everyone.

I am looking for some support

I have five children. Their ages are 17, 14, 10, 8 and 2. I have been a stay at home mum for a long time. I have occasionally worked part time near christmas or whatever to bring in extra money. My husband is being made redundant from his long term insurance job at the end of this month.

When we found out about Garys impending redundancy we had a really long discussion about what to do next. I don't know if anyone recalls this, but a little while ago I posted a thread about my son James maybe being autistic. He is still in the assessment stage and we don't know for sure whether he is or not....he is definitely displaying autistic 'behaviours'.

My feelings right now are that I have been a full time mum for 17 years and the thought of continuing to be a stay at home as a mother/carer for James if he is autistic really daunted me. I feel terribly gulity for feeling this way. I love him very very much but I feel that I have lost sight of who I am as a person. All I seem to be is a wife/mother/cleaning machine!

I have been offered a job working as a sales associate for an Optometrist store. I am really excited about being offered a job when I really don't have much experience of working. Its great that they are willing to give me this opportunity. My problem is that now the feelings of guilt are setting in. I feel like a terrible mother - that I am willing to leave James when he may really need me. Gary is an amazing daddy. He is patient and loves to be at home with the children. He is really excited about staying at home while I go to work. He feels that he has missed out on a lot of the important stuff where the kids are concerned as he worked very long hours. I know he wouldn't have agreed to be a stay at home parent if he didn't really want to.

Money wise we would be taking a drop in income. We can manage without the extra - it would be a case of looking at what we spend and adjusting it accordingly. Its more about me getting out there and having more in my life than just parenting.

I feel so upset right now. I have two weeks before I start work and its really hard thinking about leaving James. Am I a bad mother - should I not be considering going back to work just now? This is awful.

Sorry for such a long post.

Maisie

 

[oshinbreez]

Awww Maise,

You are not a bad mother. You don''t have any reason to feel guilty about going to work. James will be left in the best hands possible (besides yours) by being with your husband. It''s not unusual for mothers to feel guilty when they back to work after being the caregiver for many years. Think about the excitement of getting out into the work place again. You deserve to have a life. I also think that working can help make you a better mother. It can be a much needed break from the kids.

Good Luck.

 

[Efe]

I think that you are giving your children a great gift in that they will have an opportunity to build a much closer relationship with their dad. It will be a great bonding experience for the whole family. Plus, it will be good for you personally.

 

[Ellen]

Maise, I have been wondering about James and the testing....


I understand you feeling guilty, but as has been said, it''s not like you are leaving him in some daycare or with a stranger, he''s with the absolute best pick there is.

I would say try it, if it works, great, if it doesn''t, you''ll know, and know what to do.

 

[Maisie]

I think I have this terribly arrogant idea that I am the best and only person who can look after him properly. I know its not right.....

I just never really leave him - due to his behaviours I won''t leave him with a sitter and he doesn''t get along with my mum. I don''t know why - she is a lovely gentle person.

I know his daddy is the best person to leave him with.... I wish I would switch off these feelings of guilt.

Maisie

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/19/2007 11:07:48 AM
Author: Maisiebelle
I think I have this terribly arrogant idea that I am the best and only person who can look after him properly. I know its not right.....

I just never really leave him - due to his behaviours I won''t leave him with a sitter and he doesn''t get along with my mum. I don''t know why - she is a lovely gentle person.

I know his daddy is the best person to leave him with.... I wish I would switch off these feelings of guilt.

Maisie

That''s not arrogant, it''s the truth.

All kidding aside, no, hubby probably won''t give the level of care you would, but that''s not to say he won''t be well cared for. He will!

And I think once you get out in the "real" world for a bit, and see that James is actually surviving without you, those feelings will subside. And as was said before too, I think it could be very good for you, and might indeed make you a better mom. It could be a real boost Maise.

 

[Mara]

of course you are not a bad mother, and i think you know that so i don't even know why you would even ask or consider that.

you sound like a great mother. and you are an individual as well as being a mother, so you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to recapture some of your former self by holding a job outside of the home. your husband sounds thrilled to be part of the kids lives in a way he has not been able to thus far....so give him that and give your kids that and don't give the whole thing another thought for now.

nothing is forever, so you may do this for a year or two and then you two decide you want to switch roles again. the beauty of having two parents in a family is that one person does not have to carry the burden alone. sounds like you have a great partner in your husband.

good luck and look towards your job with excitement, and banish that useless guilt. guilt never did anyone a lick of good.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/19/2007 11:27:41 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/19/2007 11:07:48 AM
Author: Maisiebelle
I think I have this terribly arrogant idea that I am the best and only person who can look after him properly. I know its not right.....

I just never really leave him - due to his behaviours I won''t leave him with a sitter and he doesn''t get along with my mum. I don''t know why - she is a lovely gentle person.

I know his daddy is the best person to leave him with.... I wish I would switch off these feelings of guilt.

Maisie

That''s not arrogant, it''s the truth.

All kidding aside, no, hubby probably won''t give the level of care you would, but that''s not to say he won''t be well cared for. He will!

And I think once you get out in the ''real'' world for a bit, and see that James is actually surviving without you, those feelings will subside. And as was said before too, I think it could be very good for you, and might indeed make you a better mom. It could be a real boost Maise.

Lol!! Thank you for that!!!

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hi,
i stayed at home with my first 3 children till the youngest began school full-time(so that was about 12 years), then i taught part-time for 3 years and loved,loved,loved it. it was amazing! then the baby bug bit me and we just had two more(ages 3 and 1)i am again at home full-time. i loved working, and it was great for me. i love being with my children and they''re great kids, but it is THE hardest job there is-i am more patient and priorities(clean house, etc) have shifted a bit in my old age

but i remind my hubby of twenty years many times "you owe me"(and he heartily agrees). i think it would be a wonderful opportunity for your hubby to spend time at home, bond with your son even more and fully appreciate all you''ve done. working is really a BREAK from the rigors of childcare and housework. my 16yr old son was just diagnosed with type 1 diabetes before the holidays-i am tied to the phone now, always waiting for a call from school(he''s a great kid, athlete, and was very, very healthy till this) he''s home today infact with a simple cold/fever causing him numbers to go haywire. it''s not the same as your son''s struggle with autism but i understand how protective you must feel of your little boy. it''s hard to put them in anyone else''s care(even my teen-ager!)
you sound like an awesome mother and please don''t let guilt take away from this new challenge. you are also blessed with an available spouse able/willing to help...
i love my five but it''s a LOT more than 2,3 or even 4(don''t u think?

good luck with your new position.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/19/2007 11:28:12 AM
Author: Mara
of course you are not a bad mother, and i think you know that so i don't even know why you would even ask or consider that.

you sound like a great mother. and you are an individual as well as being a mother, so you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to recapture some of your former self by holding a job outside of the home. your husband sounds thrilled to be part of the kids lives in a way he has not been able to thus far....so give him that and give your kids that and don't give the whole thing another thought for now.

nothing is forever, so you may do this for a year or two and then you two decide you want to switch roles again. the beauty of having two parents in a family is that one person does not have to carry the burden alone. sounds like you have a great partner in your husband.

good luck and look towards your job with excitement, and banish that useless guilt. guilt never did anyone a lick of good.

I do feel that I am letting him down. I can't help feeling that - I wish I could toughen up and not worry so much.

A lot of what you says makes sense though. Its not forever and I do need a chance to be myself again.

Thank you for the virtual kick up the backside lol!!

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/19/2007 12:36:17 PM
Author: snowflakeluvr
hi,
i stayed at home with my first 3 children till the youngest began school full-time(so that was about 12 years), then i taught part-time for 3 years and loved,loved,loved it. it was amazing! then the baby bug bit me and we just had two more(ages 3 and 1)i am again at home full-time. i loved working, and it was great for me. i love being with my children and they''re great kids, but it is THE hardest job there is-i am more patient and priorities(clean house, etc) have shifted a bit in my old age

but i remind my hubby of twenty years many times ''you owe me''(and he heartily agrees). i think it would be a wonderful opportunity for your hubby to spend time at home, bond with your son even more and fully appreciate all you''ve done. working is really a BREAK from the rigors of childcare and housework. my 16yr old son was just diagnosed with type 1 diabetes before the holidays-i am tied to the phone now, always waiting for a call from school(he''s a great kid, athlete, and was very, very healthy till this) he''s home today infact with a simple cold/fever causing him numbers to go haywire. it''s not the same as your son''s struggle with autism but i understand how protective you must feel of your little boy. it''s hard to put them in anyone else''s care(even my teen-ager!)
you sound like an awesome mother and please don''t let guilt take away from this new challenge. you are also blessed with an available spouse able/willing to help...
i love my five but it''s a LOT more than 2,3 or even 4(don''t u think?

good luck with your new position.

Lol its definitely a LOT more!! I love all my kids - its amazing to have such a huge family but sometimes it just feels like all I am is a parent. I can''t even remember my life without children in it!

I do feel very blessed that Gary is willing and completely able (despite my worries) to look after our family. I also know that once I go to work I will be really glad I did. I am very protective of all of my children especially the oldest Tom. He is 17, vague, messy and completely hopeless at anything helpful in the house!! I posted a thread recently about how I am worried about him going off to university!! I totally understand where you are coming from about your son being unwell - I guess we never quite stop being mummy!

Give me three months in my new job and I am sure I won''t miss all the hard work being a full time mother entails! I just hate these last minute wobbles!!

 

[justjulia]

I agree that nothing is forever. See how this goes. You are always a mom, regardless of where your feet are at the moment. I understand your fears though. Been there, done that a long long time ago. If you are like me, you will find that being super organized becomes a priority and you just have to let go what you can. Things won''t always be washed but no one will go hungry and at the end of the day, you will have a fresh eye on your home--that can be a nice thing!

 

[Maisie]

Thank you Julia. I agree that I will need to become more organised. Hopefully nobody will have to walk around too scruffy lol. I think I will appreciate the time I spend with my family much more. Its really helpful to know that other mothers have been in my situation before and it isn''t the end of the world if I go to work.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Maisie, just think of it as a trial. It is still going to be exhausting being a mother and working fulltime, because your husband can care for your children, but he cannot take your place. It is hard for me to balance work and kids, but my three are all in school or college. Right now I work for 4 days for 7.5 hours a day, and I have summer and holidays off. I hope to reduce it further next fall. As much as I love what I do, there is no more important job than being a mother! Hopefully you will find the balance that works for you and your family!

 

[Skippy123]

Oh, you sound like such a lovely mother!!! It will all be okay; trust your husband. I think he will amaze you

Keep your chin up and this maybe a chance for you to take a break and for your husband to bond with the kids. Best wishes and keep us posted

 

[Maisie]

Thank you DS, I really hope I can find the balance like you have. I love being a mother, I really don''t want to miss out on too much.

Skippy I always love reading your posts. You are a real ray of sunshine. You really do your best to make someone feel happy so thankyou!