Getting your SO input

[Rose_Dust]

How do you ladies get your SO involved in the planning process? I wanna make sure his style is reflected as well but he has no interest. I feel bad if I make all the decisions, I want his thoughts. I know there are a few things he does want to help with (ie alcohol, food, honeymoon) but I want his input in a lot more. Do you have any tips?

 

[ts44]

First of all, congrats on your upcoming wedding! Second, please understand that just because your fiance doesn't have an opinion about something, doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you or the wedding. Some people (both men AND women) just couldn't give a hoot about party planning. If you've told him you're concerned about making sure his style is reflected as well and that is why you want his opinion, and he has told you he has no opinion, then put it to bed. If you're that concerned about his style being reflected, you can include some ideas of your own to make sure that happens. I'm sure that since you're his fiance, you do have some idea of his style!

It's actually pretty awesome that he wants to help with the drinks, food, and honeymoon. Try to see it that way, rather than "I want to include him but he doesn't care to be included."

 

[lulu66]

despite what i read on other wedding blogs, i still think *most* men don't give two craps about programs, invites, centerpieces, etc, etc. what they do care about is what you listed. let your fiance take the reins on those.

then i'll share my trick. i'll do all the "research" for inspiration and what i want, come up with 2-3 possibilities, explain or show them to FI, and have him help me pick. for us, it works great. he still couldn't care less whether i show him the choices or just decide but it makes me feel like he's participating and cares

 

[Future Mrs. Sterling]

I agree with Lulu and ts44. I basically asked my SO what he would like to help with. After some discussion he said food, booze, music, guests and location. He doesn't care about the rest, but I'm fine with that. Helping with these other categories is huge in my book.

We had a great time looking at venues and picking one (see my recent Venue Reconnaissance thread). I think it will be equally (if not more fun!) to try out cakes and caterers together. I'm hoping he doesn't hate all my other plans/ideas, but I am kind of running ideas past him as I decide on things. If he give me the "sour face" look, then I know the idea needs some modification. I am definitely the planner between the two of us, and he tends to let most things ride, so this is what works for us. All that said, every relationship is different and you have to do what works for you and your guy!

 

[stepcutgirl]

I agree with the above. Things like flowers, centerpieces, colors, shoes, etc they just don't care. My fiance was big into helping pick out the cakes (I let him pick out his own grooms cake), he is constantly telling me about this song and that song that he wants played and he even showed quite an interest in what he will be wearing, vetoing my idea for what he and his grooms men would wear. I actually liked that he cared enough about something to veto it and say what he wants. He has asked when I've told him i've made a decision what I decided and likes to see pictures of it. Most of it had gotten the reaction of "that's pretty". So I feel pretty confident that the things he cares about he has voiced. I did also have to veto his first cake choice and we came to find one we both liked. Mostly after I let him pick his own grooms cake he didn't really care much about the wedding cake, or my (as in me) cake as he calls it.

I think most men are helpful sounding boards. They don't say much until you need them to and then they say what needs to be said, as in when I'm freaking out over 3 different flowers he tells me it's not really going to matter, most people will remember they were pink but will have no clue what type of flower they were. Sometimes that's exactly what I need to hear.

 

[Should Be Studying]

As much as I would like my FI to be reflected in the wedding, I think he would hate me if I made him do everything with me. I brought him to meet the photographers and videographer to make sure our personalities clicked, but I left him at home for things like the florist. I knew he would have no idea what we were talking about, nor would he care. As nice as it is when he offers to join in for certain DIY projects or seems to get excited about certain details, I don't really do anything to get him involved. I ask for his input on major decisions, but I leave it to him to participate when he wants. Also, I enjoy doing different things with different members of my family or bridal party, because it is a nice way to spend time with family or friends.

I would agree with the PP about giving him options after you've narrowed them down and letting him choose from there.

 

[jaylex]

Men tend to not handle multi-tasking as well as us girls do... I've found that FI is fine looking at invitations... but I better narrow it down to a few first.
He's fine with talking to multiple djs, so long as they show him the speakers, sound board and other musical do-dads they use.

He's very into helping pick the vendors... and even got "kind of" involved with the flowers suggesting I add "these " to my bouquet (as he points to a picture of yellow roses ")
And before I even thought about looking at dresses, he requested that I not wear a "crown-thing" because they are too "90's" and remind him of the Wedding Singer. lol.
And he made very clear that he doesn't like chair covers.
So he throws in his 2cents but I think I make it easier on him by narrowing down his options for the things he isn't interested in, and letting him voice his opinion for the things he is interested in.

 

[Rose_Dust]

I'm just a little concerned because last night I was working on an inspiration board on dessy.com and every picture I chose to put in to represent what I wanted he nixed but couldn't offer an alternative suggestion. So if I'm left picking things on my own, I fear he'll hate it all but won't be able to give me help to make it something we'd both like. I asked him last night then if he didn't like my inspiration board to make one of his own, he was interested for about 2 minutes and then gave up.....oh well I tried....

 

[ts44]

Well vetoing your ideas without offering any of his own is lame, for sure. My FI was doing that for a little bit and finally I gently said "baby, if you're going to exercise veto power, you need to give me alternative suggestions because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all this." He insisted he didn't just veto things, but when I asked him to tell me one of his ideas that he'd given me, he couldn't think of anything and THEN he realized what he'd been doing, and apologized.

The other ladies' suggestions above are good. Give him three options for something, tell him "it's going to be one of these three, which do you like best?" Also, what you could do is ask him what his "wedding deal-breakers" are, like Jaylex's FI doesn't like tiaras. My FI said absolutely no Pachelbel. Tell him he gets one absolute veto card to play on something where he can give no reason other than he just doesn't like it, otherwise he has to offer alternatives if he doesn't like something.

 

[Rose_Dust]

Those are all good ideas, I'll have to sit him down and run through the rules of the game and hopefully we'll make progress.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

My FI is letting me run the show for the most part, there are a few areas he cares about.

The tuxes, he really cares about how those are, so he is taking care of that without my input.

The invites - he really cared about this too. He wanted engraved, black ink, and nothing else. I wanted something a bit more original and could not afford engraved. We ended up with letter press, on his favorite paper, a single colored ink (our primary wedding) with one small design. It was a long compromise.

We had to agree on a first dance sone as well.

Everything else I have decided on my own.

I would just ask you FI if there is anything he really cares about and let him get involved with those few things. The things he is not so into (likely colors, flowers, ect) just take charge and handle.

 

[yssie]

I think my FI is much more concerned than I am about the vast majority of it!


I'm thrilled to be almost-married, but I can't say I'm really bothered about the 'hows' of getting there - no illusions of having the 'perfect day' here, so long as things don't go totally pear-shaped and the guests and officiants make it there

My parents are basically planning the morning Hindu ceremony, as is traditional, so we have very little input on that. FI has very kindly stepped into management for the evening ceremony, and prods me to make the decisions he doesn't care about - flowers, colours, etc. Which I admittedly then delegate a significant portion of to the florist /decorators

That's how we normally work though - I dream up an idea, he details the whats/whens/wheres/hows to make it happen.

 

[coco3]

My situation is a little different because we have fewer choices to make, as our venue comes complete with caterer, cake, florist, etc., which makes our choices a lot easier. However, we're having our wedding at MY parents' house so I'm overly worried that my FI won't be represented in the wedding and that it will just look to his family like it's all just the way my family does stuff. He's not that worried about that, thankfully. Next month we're going on vacation with my family and we'll do a lot of the initial planning and expectation-setting with my mom, who will be in charge of a lot since my parents live in France and we live in the States. So he kind of has to go through TWO layers - me and my mom!! I kind of feel bad for him.

Fortunately neither of us REALLY cares all that much and many decisions are going to be made out of practicality, but for the stuff we do choose I asked him up front: HOW INVOLVED DO YOU WANT TO BE? He said he wants to be given 3-4 options (MAX!) and get to choose from those. This is great, I don't have to put an option in my "Final 4" that I don't like, but he gets to feel involved. I'm sure I'll tell him to do the groomsmen outfits and the grooms cake, but other than that, he doesn't want to flip through a giant book of stationary to pick the perfect save the dates, but he also doesn't want me sending out save the dates that are covered in pink flowers. Everyone wins.

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

Just yesterday, I said to myself, "Perhaps those brides whose grooms don't care have it easier!"

My fiance has an opinion on everything. EVERYTHING. Everything!!!!!! Table numbers, flowers (he specifically said NO Mums! LOL!), he chose the cake basically. BM dresses. Shoes. He has been completely integrated. Yowzers.

I agree though that you may be better off choosing your top pics and asking his input then. The average guy isn't going to care about one flower vs the other, etc. But if there are clear choices on the table, that may work better.

eta: He spent 2 hours on the die cutter and has made every trip to Michael's and JoAnn's

 

[turboflgrl]

I wouldn't worry about it at all. My fiance has had zero... and I mean ZERO... input on our ceremony/reception. But it's not because I didn't try to include him. In the beginning of planning, I asked him about themes, colors, venues, bridal party gifts, etc. You name it, I asked it! lol He finally sat me down and said that he just wanted me to be happy and that these things just weren't fun for him like they are for me. I said ok and things have been great every since!

I still update him and ask his opinion when it comes down to choosing one thing over the other - he doesn't mind that. Also, he had input for the dinner and will likely have input for the cake as well. Men and food....lol

 

[meresal]

I told DH this:

If you want an opinion or the ability to veto an idea... then you have to be at appointments, help with ideas, and offer your own opinions. Neither of us was allowed to veto an idea, without replacing it with another viable option or opinion.

If he didn't want to go to the floral appointments, then he wasn't allowed an opinion on what was picked. Surprisingly, once he actually got to the appointments, he wouldn't stop talking. lol

Him just telling you what he doesn't like, is not acceptable in my book.