Gender Identity Disorder Shocker

[kenny]

I'd just be there for your sibling.
A person's gender only matters to their romantic partner; (s)he is still the same person.

If your husband would you divorce you over this, well, good riddance, later Dude, Don't let the door hit you, and all that.

I look forward to being there for my sister. I still want my husband to be there too, though. I don't think he would leave, but I do think that this will be outside of his comfort zone. Hopefully I am just overthinking this, and not giving him enough credit. I've known him for 12 years, and there hasn't been anything that he hasn't handled with grace and class.

With all due respect, how do I say this as kindly as possible? . . . screw his itsy bitsy teenie tienie whinie narrow-minded backwards, intolerant, comfort zone.

This is NOT about him.
This person needs support not rejection right now.

Women working, voting or exposing their ankles used to outside some people's comfort zone too.

 

[movie zombie]

this was a big bomb? really? after all she had said for years about wanting to be a man, getting a hysterectomy and having her boobs cut off coupled with her interest in mens' clothing? sorry, i don't believe it. and i think the reason you and your parents took it so well is because deep down you knew.

personally, i wouldn't want to be married to a man that in this situation wouldn't be supportive of me, my family, and more importantly my sister. while you think this may be outside your husband's comfort zone, being married to him and him not being supportive of me and my sister through this would be a deal breaker. he married you, not her. this is not something she chose but how she was put together mentally, physically, and emotionally. if he does not accept this situation and her decisions then he does not love her.

i think you do need to tell your husband but only with your sister's consent. i think you need to be absolutely clear with your husband that you love him and think that perhaps this is outside his comfort zone BUT you expect him to show his love for you and your family by respecting them and that if he needs to seek counseling to come to terms with it, you'd be willing to go with him. i believeyou need to be clear with him regarding your expectations and that you will not allow him to place you in a position of chosing him or your sister. end of story.

easy for me to say! its not me, is it?! i really do wish you well with this. stop worrying about your husband and concentrate on your sister and how you can be supportive of her. your parents have taken it well. make sure to reinforce with them how much you love them and appreciate their love of you and your sister. then go from there.

 

[Matata]

Just want to add one other perspective, touched upon already, but maybe not quite as forcefully. This is not just about the sister -- it is about the whole family. She certainly has challenges and opportunities to consider but it's not all about her. The mother is losing a daughter and perhaps gaining a son. She will have to recondition her thinking. The father has to recondition his thinking. OMGOMG the same. All who knew the sister as "she" "her" will need to recondition themselves to think of her as "he" "him". Gender identity is fundamental to how we identify to and with each other and certainly has bearing on the roles we play. When one's gender identity changes, roles change, relationships change. It affects everyone that person knows. Counseling for the whole family is usually recommended to help people recondition their thinking toward a person they knew for a lifetime as one gender but who is, in fact, another. I think it's unfair to think negatively of people who may be in shock or sad or mourn the change. Everyone needs time to adjust.

 

[movie zombie]

good point, Matata. Cher was support of her son, admits some difficulties, and still lapses and says "she".......

 

[OMGOMG]

Just want to add one other perspective, touched upon already, but maybe not quite as forcefully. This is not just about the sister -- it is about the whole family. She certainly has challenges and opportunities to consider but it's not all about her. The mother is losing a daughter and perhaps gaining a son. She will have to recondition her thinking. The father has to recondition his thinking. OMGOMG the same. All who knew the sister as "she" "her" will need to recondition themselves to think of her as "he" "him". Gender identity is fundamental to how we identify to and with each other and certainly has bearing on the roles we play. When one's gender identity changes, roles change, relationships change. It affects everyone that person knows. Counseling for the whole family is usually recommended to help people recondition their thinking toward a person they knew for a lifetime as one gender but who is, in fact, another. I think it's unfair to think negatively of people who may be in shock or sad or mourn the change. Everyone needs time to adjust.

Thanks Matata. You expressed this more eloquently than I, but to me, this was the entire point of my post. My sister has our support, and we will help her through. It's easy for everyone to say "if they aren't with you, screw them!", but my husband is my husband. I need him to be okay too, as much as I need it for my sister even. All of this is HUGE for my sister, but it effects ALL of us, whether we want it to or not. We (mom, dad, myself) are up for the challenge, it will remain to be seen who else will. In supporting my sister, we will probably lose friends and family members as well. Losing my husband, or my relationship with his family is the only loss that I could not bear, whether that is a rational or irrational fear.

I'm black. We've seen the results from the black community on same sex marriage, prop 8, and preachers telling congregants to withhold support for the president for supporting marriage equality. I think it's easy to come to a community like PS where so many people are openminded and get the types of responses that I have received. However, that is not representative of the everyday lived experience for Transgender persons, nor the typical reaction for people who are in interaction with transgendered persons. As Joe Biden would say, "It's a big effing deal." Mostly because society makes it that way.

 

[OMGOMG]

this was a big bomb? really? after all she had said for years about wanting to be a man, getting a hysterectomy and having her boobs cut off coupled with her interest in mens' clothing? sorry, i don't believe it. and i think the reason you and your parents took it so well is because deep down you knew.

personally, i wouldn't want to be married to a man that in this situation wouldn't be supportive of me, my family, and more importantly my sister. while you think this may be outside your husband's comfort zone, being married to him and him not being supportive of me and my sister through this would be a deal breaker. he married you, not her. this is not something she chose but how she was put together mentally, physically, and emotionally. if he does not accept this situation and her decisions then he does not love her.

i think you do need to tell your husband but only with your sister's consent. i think you need to be absolutely clear with your husband that you love him and think that perhaps this is outside his comfort zone BUT you expect him to show his love for you and your family by respecting them and that if he needs to seek counseling to come to terms with it, you'd be willing to go with him. i believeyou need to be clear with him regarding your expectations and that you will not allow him to place you in a position of chosing him or your sister. end of story.

easy for me to say! its not me, is it?! i really do wish you well with this. stop worrying about your husband and concentrate on your sister and how you can be supportive of her. your parents have taken it well. make sure to reinforce with them how much you love them and appreciate their love of you and your sister. then go from there.

Hi Movie Zombie,

Thanks for your thoughts on this. In terms of whether it was a real bomb, of COURSE it was! if someone makes a few casual comments over the course of 25 years, it doesn't add up to "Oh, by the way, I've been suppressing my gender for the last 2.5 decades." My sister and I were sisters. We commiserated about her big boobs, and how she wished she had smaller boobs like me, and I agreed that I would hate bigger boobs (I'm a happy A-Cup). She likes men clothes and would help me pick things for my husband, but she would not buy them for herself. She dresses in a very classic and feminine manner, except maybe casually around the house, but who doesn't? We share clothes. I did her hair and make-up. We spend hours on pinterest. We both hate our periods and talked about getting hysterectomies. She said she wanted to be a boy when she was a kid. I remember her dressing as one for halloween, but we were kids. If she had talked about these things frequently, maybe we would have sensed something, but a few blips in time, and all you have is hindsight and retrospect. My sister actively engaged in suppressing and hiding this her whole life, so she as quite good at it. I would have never, in a million, thousand years, have guessed what she was hiding. I feel like I am learning a new person, as it changes a lot of interactions and interpretations, but not in a bad way. It's very interesting to experience someone coming into themselves.

As far as my husband, I have no idea how he will react, but I think it's interesting that you said you wouldn't marry someone who would be supportive in the situation. Our marriage had no such litmus test, and how can you ever know the things that will be thrown at you? I'm trying to respect my sister's wishes, so I have not told him yet. I think it's interesting that everyone is so dismissive of my husband if he is not 100% supportive. If it were my bio brother, and he as not supportive, I would not cut him out of my life. That to me is equally extreme. My husband is as important to me as my sister, he is not something that is negotiable to me. 12 years of friendship and love, he is the family I chose, in addition to the family that I was born with.

 

[movie zombie]

completely understand what you're saying, OMG.

while i know life can toss many things into the mix, one of the important things for me is acceptance of these types of situations. my husband and i both had gay friends before we even met each other. i have absolute confidence that he'd be supportive if this was my sister and my situation. admittedly, we are not members of the black community which you have noted is not supportive of gay issues much less transgender issues.

i think you've got a very level head on your shoulders. i have faith you can approach this with your husband in such a way to ascertain his comfort level and still remain supportive of your sister. he may surprise you and your worry will have been for nothing. i hope so. additionally, even if he is supportive of you and your family, his family may not be so understanding. and that could be a huge concern for him....and difficult for you as well. but this is all conjecture, isn't it?! until you talk with him you won't know. i know you will find the words and with love to deal with this.

me? i'm too much like kenny which is more than evident in my initial post.

 

[OMGOMG]

I'd just be there for your sibling.
A person's gender only matters to their romantic partner; (s)he is still the same person.

If your husband would you divorce you over this, well, good riddance, later Dude, Don't let the door hit you, and all that.

I look forward to being there for my sister. I still want my husband to be there too, though. I don't think he would leave, but I do think that this will be outside of his comfort zone. Hopefully I am just overthinking this, and not giving him enough credit. I've known him for 12 years, and there hasn't been anything that he hasn't handled with grace and class.

With all due respect, how do I say this as kindly as possible? . . . screw his itsy bitsy teenie tienie whinie narrow-minded backwards, intolerant, comfort zone.

This is NOT about him.
This person needs support not rejection right now.

Women working, voting or exposing their ankles used to outside some people's comfort zone too.

Equally respectfully, my sister is receiving support, and lives at home with my parents. I live with my husband. He is MY support system, and I can't use it right now. That is largely why I am on PS posting... I need an outlet to sort through my thoughts and concerns. I am not in the habit of dismissing my husbands concerns and discomforts, either. He is a person and entitled to his own feelings and interpretations of the world. I don't require that they align with mine, only that he be a full and present partner.

 

[OMGOMG]

completely understand what you're saying, OMG.

while i know life can toss many things into the mix, one of the important things for me is acceptance of these types of situations. my husband and i both had gay friends before we even met each other. i have absolute confidence that he'd be supportive if this was my sister and my situation. admittedly, we are not members of the black community which you have noted is not supportive of gay issues much less transgender issues.

i think you've got a very level head on your shoulders. i have faith you can approach this with your husband in such a way to ascertain his comfort level and still remain supportive of your sister. he may surprise you and your worry will have been for nothing. i hope so. additionally, even if he is supportive of you and your family, his family may not be so understanding. and that could be a huge concern for him....and difficult for you as well. but this is all conjecture, isn't it?! until you talk with him you won't know. i know you will find the words and with love to deal with this.

me? i'm too much like kenny which is more than evident in my initial post.

Funny thing is, I have spent all of my life "in the closet" about being agnostic, outside of my immediate family, for fear of judgement. HA, I guess we can just ALL start being honest now

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="OMGOMG|1338437535|3206601]Funny thing is, I have spent all of my life "in the closet" about being agnostic, outside of my immediate family, for fear of judgement. HA, I guess we can just ALL start being honest now [/quote]



OMG, OMGOMG!!! LOL! and through this all comes a sense of humor!

 

[VRBeauty]

OMG - have you approached your sister about sharing this information with your husband?

BTW I'm assuming she would give her permission, but... if she does not, I personally think that at some point you have a right to share this with your husband even over her objections. As you've so eloquently explained, this is affecting you and will continue to affect you, profoundly. Your relationship with your husband is as important as your relationship with your sister, and keeping this secret from him will erode that relationship. When the time is right, consider approaching your sister in the vein of "I hope you realize that I will need to share this with XY for my own sake and for the sake of our marriage" rather than asking permission... I think she will realize that your intent is not to gossip or harm her in any way with this sharing.

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="OMGOMG|1338437184|3206598........Equally respectfully, my sister is receiving support, and lives at home with my parents. I live with my husband. He is MY support system, and I can't use it right now. That is largely why I am on PS posting... I need an outlet to sort through my thoughts and concerns. I am not in the habit of dismissing my husbands concerns and discomforts, either. He is a person and entitled to his own feelings and interpretations of the world. I don't require that they align with mine, only that he be a full and present partner.[/quote]


this is why i have faith you will find a way to be supportive of your sister and receive the suppport of your husband as well. anyone that can write this well and think this clearly in these circumstances can do it! the bolded for me is one of the best things i've read re being in a relationship. you are wise beyond your years.

 

[OMGOMG]

[quote="OMGOMG|1338437535|3206601]Funny thing is, I have spent all of my life "in the closet" about being agnostic, outside of my immediate family, for fear of judgement. HA, I guess we can just ALL start being honest now

OMG, OMGOMG!!! LOL! and through this all comes a sense of humor![/quote][/quote]

LOL, we've had quite a lot of laughs, all around. My mom had spent the last month trying to get my sister to watch the movie "Think Like a Man," so we all had a good laugh in realizing that "thinking like a man" was perhaps not her problem. My sister thought this was hilarious, and the irony was too funny.

 

[OMGOMG]

OMG - have you approached your sister about sharing this information with your husband?

BTW I'm assuming she would give her permission, but... if she does not, I personally think that at some point you have a right to share this with your husband even over her objections. As you've so eloquently explained, this is affecting you and will continue to affect you, profoundly. Your relationship with your husband is as important as your relationship with your sister, and keeping this secret from him will erode that relationship. When the time is right, consider approaching your sister in the vein of "I hope you realize that I will need to share this with XY for my own sake and for the sake of our marriage" rather than asking permission... I think she will realize that your intent is not to gossip or harm her in any way with this sharing.

I did approach her about this, and she is not ready yet. I did express to her that I need to make sure that my family is okay, too. I think she fears judgment, or a change in their relationship. We'll all be at the beach together in July...

 

[Imdanny]

(note: Kenny...)
This is NOT about him.
This person needs support not rejection right now.

Women working, voting or exposing their ankles used to outside some people's comfort zone too.

(note: OMG...)
Equally respectfully, my sister is receiving support, and lives at home with my parents. I live with my husband. He is MY support system, and I can't use it right now. That is largely why I am on PS posting... I need an outlet to sort through my thoughts and concerns. I am not in the habit of dismissing my husbands concerns and discomforts, either. He is a person and entitled to his own feelings and interpretations of the world. I don't require that they align with mine, only that he be a full and present partner.

If my SO were bigoted toward any group of people, this is not a presence I would want, and he would get over his bigotry, or I would dissolve the relationship. This is so basic. If people need to be "entitled" to bigotry, then they are ignorant and hateful. I'm still left with the question: in what SUBSTANTIVE way could your sister's autonomy as an individual AFFECT your DH? It sounds far more likely that his POSSIBLE bigotry would affect YOUR SISTER. I agree with Kenny. It is NOT about him. It is NOT about you. It just seems odd to me that you would be caught up in all of this drama in which you and your DH seem to feel entitled to be "shocked". You and/or your DH have two choices: 1) acceptance and love or 2) rejection and hate. Again, I agree with Kenny. Your sister needs 1). With all due respect, I would be advocating for my sister, and my SO would be wise to be doing the same.

 

[OMGOMG]

(note: Kenny...)
This is NOT about him.
This person needs support not rejection right now.

Women working, voting or exposing their ankles used to outside some people's comfort zone too.

(note: OMG...)
Equally respectfully, my sister is receiving support, and lives at home with my parents. I live with my husband. He is MY support system, and I can't use it right now. That is largely why I am on PS posting... I need an outlet to sort through my thoughts and concerns. I am not in the habit of dismissing my husbands concerns and discomforts, either. He is a person and entitled to his own feelings and interpretations of the world. I don't require that they align with mine, only that he be a full and present partner.

If my SO were bigoted toward any group of people, this is not a presence I would want, and he would get over his bigotry, or I would dissolve the relationship. This is so basic. If people need to be "entitled" to bigotry, then they are ignorant and hateful. I'm still left with the question: in what SUBSTANTIVE way could your sister's autonomy as an individual AFFECT your DH? It sounds far more likely that his POSSIBLE bigotry would affect YOUR SISTER. I agree with Kenny. It is NOT about him. It is NOT about you. It just seems odd to me that you would be caught up in all of this drama in which you and your DH seem to feel entitled to be "shocked". You and/or your DH have two choices: 1) acceptance and love or 2) rejection and hate. Again, I agree with Kenny. Your sister needs 1). With all due respect, I would be advocating for my sister, and my SO would be wise to be doing the same.

I find it interesting that you can acknowledge that gender identity can exist in a spectrum or continuum but human emotion cannot. I do not see that there are two choices (as you put it, 1) acceptance and love or 2) rejection and hate.), that is a false dichotomy. Though my immediate family and I did not see any choice but number 1. I wouldn't even say we thought about it in terms of "choice", either. It was more of a natural reaction.

I also find it interesting that you wish to engage in a wholesale theoretical attack on my husband. I expressed a concern, but he has not said or done anything at this point and is wholly unaware of the situation. You seem to see lack of 100% positive reaction as bigoted. I see all of this as an opportunity to confront fears, things that you may not understand, or be comfortable with. My sister expressed that she was not comfortable with who she was, so we are helping her with this. If my husband expressed discomfort with that, or the process moving forward, my immediate reaction would be to HELP him process this change. That is what love is. That is how people learn and grow. I love my sister, and I love my husband. This is not, nor should it be mutually exclusive. I'm not clear in what sense you interpret my concern about my husband's feelings as lack of support for my sister, as if I don't have a responsibility towards both people. I was the first person that my sister told... for a reason. She was sharing her diary from when she was 15, where she wrote repeatedly that I was the person, unequivocally, that she trusted, that understands and supports her. She also wrote that she wanted to be a boy. 10 years later, it is the same. I helped her find a counselor, I am doing everything that I can for her, and my family, which happens to include a husband, too. Once again, if you don't feel that it would effect you in your family, then you happen to have a very different family than mine, which I can respect and appreciate.

 

[HollyS]

First of all, if your sister feels this strongly about being trapped - - then she needs to take the steps toward a gender change. That begins with extensive therapy by someone who will listen, btw; not someone who wants to "fix" her.

Yes, there will be some people who won't understand. And that will be your sister's cross to bear. Don't assume the responsibility. Let her deal. You can support her without alienating every friend or family member. You aren't responsible for their reactions, or her responses; and you don't have to step in to settle anything for her.

But your husband married YOU, not your family. If he can't handle this, and will judge YOU for it, then he's got bigger issues than your sister. And if he has an over-reaction of that magnitude, it's a red flag that all is not well between the two of you.

 

[damons]

I just want to offer another perspective to this.

I am biologically a female, but I have felt like a "man" my entire life. I am 33 years old. I shop exclusively in the men's department, I wear suits with ties to work, I have a very short haircut, and I am called sir all the time.I have felt this way my entire life. The only reason I haven't cut my boobs off is because they are really small and a sports bra makes my chest completely flat.

I am married and my wife refers to me as her "husbian" (husband/lesbian for those who don't get it). I refer to myself as "daddy" with our cats.

It took me a very long time to get to where I am today with my identity. I suffered from depression for many years because I did not have a strong support system in my life. People didn't understand why I couldn't just grow my hair and look more "feminine". Well, it is not for them to understand. When I finally allowed myself to be who I am, and stopped caring what other people thought about me, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Sure, there are moments when it is difficult and people can be cruel. I have been kicked out of dressing rooms and literally carried out of a women's public bathroom by a security guard. But moments like that are few and far between. For the most part, people just let me be because I mind my own business and I live in a big city.

My point of all of this is...I give your sister SO much credit for talking to you about this. I wish I had her courage when I was 25 years old. I promise you that she is going through a lot right now, and what she needs more than anything is support. She needs to know that her family is going to stand by her no matter what. You never know, your husband may surprise you, and not even blink an eye when you tell him. But if doesn't take it well, then you need to stand up for your sister and he needs to educate himself.

This is not about you. It is not about your husband. It is not about your parents. It is about your sister.

 

[kelpie]

My best girlfriend went through this at 17. At first I was hurt because I felt he was denying the person we all loved ever existed. I still struggle with the idea of surgically altering a perfectly healthy body. However, I can see how much happier he is and that he's living his best life (to quote Oprah). He had always struggled with severe mental health issues which completely resolved once he came out as a boy. He founded a troupe of transgendered performance artists which helps people understand the transgender experience in a highly entertaining way.

 

[movie zombie]

damons, thank you for being open here. not an easy thing to do. i congratulate you on making the life you were meant for.

 

[OMGOMG]

[quote="OMGOMG|1338437184|3206598........Equally respectfully, my sister is receiving support, and lives at home with my parents. I live with my husband. He is MY support system, and I can't use it right now. That is largely why I am on PS posting... I need an outlet to sort through my thoughts and concerns. I am not in the habit of dismissing my husbands concerns and discomforts, either. He is a person and entitled to his own feelings and interpretations of the world. I don't require that they align with mine, only that he be a full and present partner.

this is why i have faith you will find a way to be supportive of your sister and receive the suppport of your husband as well. anyone that can write this well and think this clearly in these circumstances can do it! the bolded for me is one of the best things i've read re being in a relationship. you are wise beyond your years.[/quote]

Thanks for the compliment Movie Zombie! I'm confident that we will all get through this more or less gracefully, even through fits and starts.

One thing in your post (and others, not to single you out by any means...) seems to be the idea that comfort with the gay community is synonymous with comfort with the Transgender community. I don't think that this is a great parallel. I can't fully articulate what I mean at this point, as I am still learning, but per my sister, when she has heard Gay/Lesbian concerns and spokepersons, she does not relate. She also does not identify with the GLBTA community, as she just views herself as "Jane, in John's body." She should just be John, and she can then date Janes, if that makes sense. She doesn't see herself as a woman who likes women, and has repressed herself so much that she largely views herself as asexual. She is actually concerned about being perceived, or in some ways, assumed to be a part of, or identify with the GLBTA community. Her feelings may evolve, but she certainly perceives her concerns and situation as very different from the Gay community specifically. As I mentioned, we have many gay family members, and I highly doubt she would have put the effort into hiding her true self if it was only a matter of being gay or straight. She stated that she wished that she was just gay, as that would be "easy".

I guess I just wanted to add that perspective, because the other side of it is that same-sex relationships are being recognized and accept on an increasing level, but I'm not sure that the same treatment, assumptions or attitudes exist towards the transgender community, making it difficult to make adequate parallels. For instance, my sister was recently asked to be a bridesmaid in her best friends wedding. She has not shared her feelings with her best friend, and feels obligated to continue to suppress who she is for the next year until her friend gets married. She would not have to do this if she was gay. In order to transition genders, you must live as your chosen gender for a least a year, sometimes more. If she participates in this wedding, this could mean one full year lost to her. They have been best friends since age 11. If she says something, she may lose the opportunity to support her best friend. It's easy to say that someone who doesn't support you isn't worth the friendship. It's hard to actually FEEL that way when the friendship is such a part of who you are or have been.

 

[OMGOMG]

I just want to offer another perspective to this.

I am biologically a female, but I have felt like a "man" my entire life. I am 33 years old. I shop exclusively in the men's department, I wear suits with ties to work, I have a very short haircut, and I am called sir all the time.I have felt this way my entire life. The only reason I haven't cut my boobs off is because they are really small and a sports bra makes my chest completely flat.

I am married and my wife refers to me as her "husbian" (husband/lesbian for those who don't get it). I refer to myself as "daddy" with our cats.

It took me a very long time to get to where I am today with my identity. I suffered from depression for many years because I did not have a strong support system in my life. People didn't understand why I couldn't just grow my hair and look more "feminine". Well, it is not for them to understand. When I finally allowed myself to be who I am, and stopped caring what other people thought about me, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Sure, there are moments when it is difficult and people can be cruel. I have been kicked out of dressing rooms and literally carried out of a women's public bathroom by a security guard. But moments like that are few and far between. For the most part, people just let me be because I mind my own business and I live in a big city.

My point of all of this is...I give your sister SO much credit for talking to you about this. I wish I had her courage when I was 25 years old. I promise you that she is going through a lot right now, and what she needs more than anything is support. She needs to know that her family is going to stand by her no matter what. You never know, your husband may surprise you, and not even blink an eye when you tell him. But if doesn't take it well, then you need to stand up for your sister and he needs to educate himself.

This is not about you. It is not about your husband. It is not about your parents. It is about your sister.

Damons,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your perspective helps me so much in understanding the spectrum of choices available to people who feel this kind of dissonance. My sister also uses a sports bra (at all times) to flatten her chest. She has never cut her hair short, because she feared being perceived as lesbian, but was not courageous enough to be perceived as "boy" quite yet.

I applaud your courageousness, and I also love that you have found a wonderful partner. I know that my sister craves companionship, and acceptance at a very, very deep level. When she feels likes she doesn't have options, she talks about being alone for the rest of her life, and it makes me intensely sad. I am very hopeful that she will explore broadly what she needs to be her fullest, happiest self.

 

[kenny]

Thanks for the compliment Movie Zombie! I'm confident that we will all get through this more or less gracefully, even through fits and starts.

One thing in your post (and others, not to single you out by any means...) seems to be the idea that comfort with the gay community is synonymous with comfort with the Transgender community. I don't think that this is a great parallel. I can't fully articulate what I mean at this point, as I am still learning, but per my sister, when she has heard Gay/Lesbian concerns and spokepersons, she does not relate. She also does not identify with the GLBTA community, as she just views herself as "Jane, in John's body." She should just be John, and she can then date Janes, if that makes sense. She doesn't see herself as a woman who likes women, and has repressed herself so much that she largely views herself as asexual. She is actually concerned about being perceived, or in some ways, assumed to be a part of, or identify with the GLBTA community. Her feelings may evolve, but she certainly perceives her concerns and situation as very different from the Gay community specifically. As I mentioned, we have many gay family members, and I highly doubt she would have put the effort into hiding her true self if it was only a matter of being gay or straight. She stated that she wished that she was just gay, as that would be "easy".

I guess I just wanted to add that perspective, because the other side of it is that same-sex relationships are being recognized and accept on an increasing level, but I'm not sure that the same treatment, assumptions or attitudes exist towards the transgender community, making it difficult to make adequate parallels. For instance, my sister was recently asked to be a bridesmaid in her best friends wedding. She has not shared her feelings with her best friend, and feels obligated to continue to suppress who she is for the next year until her friend gets married. She would not have to do this if she was gay. In order to transition genders, you must live as your chosen gender for a least a year, sometimes more. If she participates in this wedding, this could mean one full year lost to her. They have been best friends since age 11. If she says something, she may lose the opportunity to support her best friend. It's easy to say that someone who doesn't support you isn't worth the friendship. It's hard to actually FEEL that way when the friendship is such a part of who you are or have been.

You make several excellent points.
This is not a simple thing, where you just flip a switch.
Society is changing fast and people's rate of adaptability varies.
It is not only a time for traditional folks to adapt to inevitable changes but also a time for the folks on the cutting edge to be patient and understanding of how huge an adjustment this is for zillions of people.

Hugs to you and your hubby, and best wishes for this.
Please keep us updated.

 

[OMGOMG]

My best girlfriend went through this at 17. At first I was hurt because I felt he was denying the person we all loved ever existed. I still struggle with the idea of surgically altering a perfectly healthy body. However, I can see how much happier he is and that he's living his best life (to quote Oprah). He had always struggled with severe mental health issues which completely resolved once he came out as a boy. He founded a troupe of transgendered performance artists which helps people understand the transgender experience in a highly entertaining way.

Hi Kelpie,

Thank you for sharing this! Are you still friends? Are you still close? I will ask, but please feel free to decline in order to protect your friend, what is the name of the performance Troupe?

 

[OMGOMG]

First of all, if your sister feels this strongly about being trapped - - then she needs to take the steps toward a gender change. That begins with extensive therapy by someone who will listen, btw; not someone who wants to "fix" her.

Yes, there will be some people who won't understand. And that will be your sister's cross to bear. Don't assume the responsibility. Let her deal. You can support her without alienating every friend or family member. You aren't responsible for their reactions, or her responses; and you don't have to step in to settle anything for her.

But your husband married YOU, not your family. If he can't handle this, and will judge YOU for it, then he's got bigger issues than your sister. And if he has an over-reaction of that magnitude, it's a red flag that all is not well between the two of you.

I hear you Holly! She is going to a specialist who deals with these issues. My sister does not need to be FIXED

I've also been very honest with my sister that she is going to have to get past her issues of "fear of judgment". You will be judged, but it also won't kill you. And she'll always have US! I agree that I don't have to put myself in the middle, but she is my baby sister, and I DO feel protective.

As for my husband, I'm not worried about him judging me, but as I've stated, this doesn't just effect the one person. He may experience judgment from friends, family members or anyone else who has known us for years. Once again, it's easy to say "write these people off as bigots," but it may very well effect his lived experience, and I don't want to discount his concern, fear or feelings about that. I'm not saying that we can't overcome the challenges, but I don't think that's a red flag either. If something effects your life, you are going to feel some kind of way about it.

 

[kelpie]

My best girlfriend went through this at 17. At first I was hurt because I felt he was denying the person we all loved ever existed. I still struggle with the idea of surgically altering a perfectly healthy body. However, I can see how much happier he is and that he's living his best life (to quote Oprah). He had always struggled with severe mental health issues which completely resolved once he came out as a boy. He founded a troupe of transgendered performance artists which helps people understand the transgender experience in a highly entertaining way.

Hi Kelpie,

Thank you for sharing this! Are you still friends? Are you still close? I will ask, but please feel free to decline in order to protect your friend, what is the name of the performance Troupe?

We don't see eachother as often as we like, but we are still dear friends. He's a seminary student and performed my wedding last year. Check out http://www.trannyroadshow.com/ he loves press.

 

[Seattle SC]

Maybe it's just me, but I'm wondering if we're all not giving your husband enough credit. You mentioned that your sister thought that you and your family would have a much stronger reaction to the news, but none of you did. While you're reasonable shocked, you're ultimately completely supportive of her. It does seem like deep down you and your family knew that your sister was having difficulty with her identity. Your husband has been around the family for some time and I'm assuming does know your sister to some extent - I'm guessing that he'll somewhat have the same intuition that your sister hasn't been completely happy and while he'll be shocked at the news as well, he'll accept the news in a similar way that you have. Yes, your sister and your family will all have tough times with other people in your social circles accepting this news, but take each day at a time.

 

[movie zombie]

yes, the transgender community actually has a hard time of it within the lesbian/gay community from what i understand.....as do bi persons.

 

[kenny]

yes, the transgender community actually has a hard time of it within the lesbian/gay community from what i understand.....as do bi persons.

I'm gay but not "active" in the gay community, whatever that even means.
I feel no need to huddle together with people "like me".
My SO has the same plumbing, other than that my life is quite as ordinary and unremarkable as yours.

But yes I HAVE witnesses both gay men and lesbians feeling THEIR own group is the most groovy.
IMHO, groupism (My group is best) is an ugly and universal human trait we must all combat in ourselves.

 

[movie zombie]

[.......But yes I HAVE witnesses both gay men and lesbians feeling THEIR own group is the most groovy.
IMHO, groupism (My group is best) is an ugly and universal human trait we must all combat in ourselves.

my observation as well.....

a bi- friend of mine calls himself "gay" even though married and having a daughter conceived in the hetero manner. its easier and more accepted when he is around others to be thought of as "gay". as a bi- man he finds acceptance within the LGBT and/or hetero community pretty difficult.

back on topic: OMG, hope to hear that your husband was not stunned by the news and if he is that he's willing to work on it with you. again, i know you'll find the words and time to discuss this with him.