Gender Identity Disorder Shocker

[Kaleigh]

Has she sought help finding a counselor that knows about trans gender issues?? That would be my first thought.... You and she go together. Find a nice balance, get to a place of understanding...


Then... You take your husband to said counselor, so said counselor can answer any and all questions. Again this is not about your husband, but more about your sister. But seems like your husband will have an issue with it.. So best to do your best to prepare him..

You will also need to tell him ( and forgive me if this isn't your thinking ) This is my sister, and I fully support her, and need you to be on board as well.

Let him voice his feelings, in an open and honest way...


Then go from there..

 

[decodelighted]

The word is AFFECT. It will AFFECT him or not AFFECT him. You can have an EFFECT on someone. Or you can EFFECT change. But the way you are using the word it should be "affect".

Since it appears like one million times in this thread I couldn't stop myself.

 

[HopeDream]

A close friends of mine came out as a transman a few years ago and experience him blossom fully into the person he always "kind-of" was has been delightful and a blessing. Don't worry about loosing the person you've always known and loved, look forward to knowing them better.
Here is one of my favorite trans-friendy photoblogs http://transguyswithcats.tumblr.com/

 

[Matata]

The word is AFFECT. It will AFFECT him or not AFFECT him. You can have an EFFECT on someone. Or you can EFFECT change. But the way you are using the word it should be "affect".

Since it appears like one million times in this thread I couldn't stop myself.

LOL Deco, I was an editor in a former life and get all kinds of twitchy about these things. The word "then" is also often used incorrectly on PS when it should be "than."

Thread jack over. Apologies for the derail.

 

[elephant282]

I had to respond to your post because my sister is also in the process of becoming a man and I wanted to offer you support. I am actually a long time poster on PS but didn't feel comfortable posting this under my normal login as I am easily identifiable by past posts (and my concern is for my sister's feelings/my sister being targeted, nothing else).

I am probably going to be attacked for what I post, but I am trying to be honest about my feelings. It is a bit rambling as it is hard for me to really get my thoughts together about this.

My situation is slightly different to yours in that my sister and I have always had a troubled relationship as she is, in my opinion, a selfish and fickle person with an inability to think through the long term responsibilities or consequences of her decisions (example - adopting a big, energetic dog when she lived in a small courtyard unit, moving interstate because she didn't like our hometown so she only sees her son a few times a year and abandoning the said dog). She often completely changes her personality, interests, even career path and study based on whichever group or close friend she is spending time with at that moment - and she changes the group/friend every few months. However, I had always hoped that she would grow up, become more settled in who she is and start being more thoughtful towards others and when that happened, we would develop a good relationship.

I am worried that she is making this decision too quickly without thinking it through properly. I think she should get more counselling to make sure she feels 100% sure this is what she wants (she only started counselling late last year and has already started on hormones)

I am not a support person for my sister and she is not for me. In fact, she has been openly critical of some of my decisions in life (getting married and having children for example). She sets out to shock me and everyone around her and so the way she deals with this decision is to be angry and aggressive when she sees we are having difficulty immediately adjusting to it. For example, she gets very angry when we accidentally call her by her birth name instead of the name she has taken in the last few months. She criticises my parents for struggling to adjust to calling her he and by her new name. She is not open to discussion about it or helping us to understand, her reaction is just to get angry. By the way, it has been hard on my parents, but they are supporting her and are doing their best to remember to use her new name etc. It is just really difficult to suddenly call someone by a different name after 28 years of calling them by one name! I am clearly having difficulty, as evidence by me using 'she' instead of 'he.' Part of that is the fact that I live in a different state to her and have only seen her once in the last 12 months, so I haven't seen her change or even had the opportunity to learn to call her by her new name in person.

Anyway, I don't think it is fair for people to condemn you for being worried about how her decision will affect you and your family. Matata put it very well - your relationship to your sister is a gendered one. She is your sister and always has been. She will now be a he and will be your brother. That is a big adjustment and is one that is very difficult to make. To me, the idea of having a brother is a difficult one to get my head around. I grew up with a sister, all of our shared memories and the little bond we do have is based on our experiences as sisters. People say that she will still be the same person, she will be, but as Matata pointed out, society places so much emphasis on gender as the basis of personal relationships, that to other people, a change of gender FEELS like the person has completely changed. The fact that you are completely supportive of your sister is wonderful.

You will also be the one that deals with awkward situations in explaining to people who knew you had a sister that you now have a brother. I am not suggesting that she shouldn't do this to save you from those situations or that you should be upset or not accepting of her decision because of this, but they will affect you and it is something that you need to prepare yourself for, like I have been (and I admit, I am struggling with).

I also should say that when I hear of other people who are not my close family choosing to change genders after dealing with being unhappy due to body dysmorphia for so long I think good for them and I hope that they receive the support from their family and friends in doing so. I do not think it is wrong, or anything like that. I understand that people suffer from body dysmorphia and I feel empathy for them. It is just much more difficult to process when it is someone in your immediate family. It feels like I am losing my sister. I feel terrible that I am struggling to accept this, and I have not voiced any of these thoughts to her as I know she will not understand or talk it through with me to help me to come to terms with it, rather just get angry at me. I pretend to be supportive of her decision as that is what she needs.

Lastly, a person changing genders is completely different to someeone coming out as being gay/lesbian. My sister came out as a lesbian when she was 18. We didn't bat an eyelid and were obviously completely supportive of her. It wasn't much of a shock as she had always been a tomboy. Being homosexual is largely accepted in our community nowadays, although I am not diminishing the difficulty many homosexual men and women face in overcoming discrimination still, but changing genders is still firmly taboo and people can react in horrible ways to transgender individuals. I agree with a PP that eventually, hopefully, transgendered people will become accepted by society and it will no longer be a taboo. That also brings me onto another concern - she has an 11 year old son. I am worried that due to this being so taboo, he will be bullied in high school when people find out that his mom is now a man.

I wish you and your sister the very best and I hope that this decision and a change in genders brings your sister the happiness and peace she deserves.

 

[princesss]

I just want to offer another perspective to this.

I am biologically a female, but I have felt like a "man" my entire life. I am 33 years old. I shop exclusively in the men's department, I wear suits with ties to work, I have a very short haircut, and I am called sir all the time.I have felt this way my entire life. The only reason I haven't cut my boobs off is because they are really small and a sports bra makes my chest completely flat.

I am married and my wife refers to me as her "husbian" (husband/lesbian for those who don't get it). I refer to myself as "daddy" with our cats.

It took me a very long time to get to where I am today with my identity. I suffered from depression for many years because I did not have a strong support system in my life. People didn't understand why I couldn't just grow my hair and look more "feminine". Well, it is not for them to understand. When I finally allowed myself to be who I am, and stopped caring what other people thought about me, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Sure, there are moments when it is difficult and people can be cruel. I have been kicked out of dressing rooms and literally carried out of a women's public bathroom by a security guard. But moments like that are few and far between. For the most part, people just let me be because I mind my own business and I live in a big city.

My point of all of this is...I give your sister SO much credit for talking to you about this. I wish I had her courage when I was 25 years old. I promise you that she is going through a lot right now, and what she needs more than anything is support. She needs to know that her family is going to stand by her no matter what. You never know, your husband may surprise you, and not even blink an eye when you tell him. But if doesn't take it well, then you need to stand up for your sister and he needs to educate himself.

This is not about you. It is not about your husband. It is not about your parents. It is about your sister.

Damons,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your perspective helps me so much in understanding the spectrum of choices available to people who feel this kind of dissonance. My sister also uses a sports bra (at all times) to flatten her chest. She has never cut her hair short, because she feared being perceived as lesbian, but was not courageous enough to be perceived as "boy" quite yet.

I applaud your courageousness, and I also love that you have found a wonderful partner. I know that my sister craves companionship, and acceptance at a very, very deep level. When she feels likes she doesn't have options, she talks about being alone for the rest of her life, and it makes me intensely sad. I am very hopeful that she will explore broadly what she needs to be her fullest, happiest self.

OMGOMG, I just had to share this - a few years ago, a friend of mine found out her dad was not born male. He has not had all of the surgeries to have completely male parts. And yet, he found love and happiness and has two daughters that love him, call him "Dad", and has already walked one of them down the aisle. Yes, it was a struggle to wrap their minds around the information when they got it, but he was still their dad, and they still love him. I have another friend, C, who is FTM transgendered, and he and his girlfriend are an absolutely adorable couple. Please, please tell your sister she will not be alone, and there is still a chance for a loving family in the future. It may be harder to find, but the potential for love and a family who accept her for who (s)he is still exists.

 

[OMGOMG]

The word is AFFECT. It will AFFECT him or not AFFECT him. You can have an EFFECT on someone. Or you can EFFECT change. But the way you are using the word it should be "affect".

Since it appears like one million times in this thread I couldn't stop myself.

HAHAHA, the first time I typed it, I sat and looked and looked, thinking, "I think this is the wrong one... I can't remember" ... so I kept typing

Correction gracefully received!!!!

 

[decodelighted]

The word is AFFECT. It will AFFECT him or not AFFECT him. You can have an EFFECT on someone. Or you can EFFECT change. But the way you are using the word it should be "affect".
Since it appears like one million times in this thread I couldn't stop myself.

HAHAHA, the first time I typed it, I sat and looked and looked, thinking, "I think this is the wrong one... I can't remember" ... so I kept typing
Correction gracefully received!!!!

Thank goodness. I fully realize how nudgy and annoying *correction* can be but somehow I can't resist lately. I think I need meds! (Time of extreme stress.) Thanks for being gracious.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

OMG...just wanted to add that I agree with Matata's insight as well as the reality elephant's strikingly similar story. Something like this absolutely DOES affect the whole family (did I use the right word, deco?) and it is truly absurd to suggest it doesn't. To lose your sister is like a death in the family and suddenly you have a new brother. The new brother part may be great, but losing the sister may involve some grieving. As has been stated, all your childhood memories and pictures were of a sister and not a brother. Counseling and time for adjustment are very important.

The thing that bothers me the most in this whole thread is the idea that your husband's feelings are not important, or that your relationship with your sister(brother?) is equal to that with your husband! In fact, I feel that I should be able to share anything with my husband as long as he will keep it in confidence. I don't think it is right to be told something that requires one to withhold the truth from a spouse. As you said, he is YOUR support and I would explain that to your sister and hope she can understand it.

The other thing is, how is her best friend going to feel with her as a bridesmaid in all her pictures and then a year later, surprise, she is a man? I do have sympathy for your sister, but she does need to think about the other people that she loves and perhaps choose to be honest with them.