Gender Identity Disorder Shocker

[OMGOMG]

so... my 25 yr old sister revealed to me a week ago that she has experienced body dysmorphia, or an incongruence between her sex and gender, for her whole life. This was as surprising as this type of thing can be. She certainly was a tomboy growing up, but has grown into a beautiful and amazing young woman. She has always loved shopping for men's clothing, colognes. She always commented about wanting a hysterectomy, and her boobs chopped off. When she was a kid, she said she wanted to grown up to be a man. Apparently she was still journaling about these desires in HS. Yesterday, she told my parents, who also took it as well as one could expect, but we are all a bit confused and trying to sort this thing out in our heads. While we can personally deal with whatever decisions she makes, it's the social taboo side of things that make all of this so incomprehensible. It's scary to think of losing friends and family over gender expression.

Anyone have any experience in this arena???

I want to respect her privacy and wishes, but I feel a very strong need to discuss this with DH. He is my family, and this effects him too and I am not comfortable withholding this. However, I don't imagine that he would take it well, which worries me. I guess in my worst moments, I wonder if he would leave me, or his family not want anything to do with ours if she decides to transition genders.

 

[ame]

Well, while that's a big shock to the system for YOU guys, imagine how SHE feels. All I can see from reading your post is that you're concerned how her revelation and feelings make YOU look, what YOUR husband will say and do regarding YOUR marriage, not one of your thoughts sounds at all like you are really that concerned about HER feelings and how SHE will be treated....

Worrying about what your husband will do to YOU regarding this information is QUITE selfish and you clearly have a lot more going on with your state of your marriage if this is a final straw for the marriage....

 

[OMGOMG]

Well, while that's a big shock to the system for YOU guys, imagine how SHE feels. All I can see from reading your post is that you're concerned how her revelation and feelings make YOU look, what YOUR husband will say and do regarding YOUR marriage, not one of your thoughts sounds at all like you are really that concerned about HER feelings and how SHE will be treated....

Yes, it does read that way, thank you for pointing that out. We are concerned about all of the above. We are all devastated that she has been unhappy for so long, that she didn't feel that she could talk to us about what she was feeling, that she felt that she had to put on this act or show all of these years. We've all made it very clear to her that we are here for her no matter what. I helped her locate a counselor, and am helping my mom to do the same. I've been on the phone with her for hours a day over the past week as she is working through this in her head. She will be supported by our immediate family, so that's probably why that was not the focus of my post. We're all concerned about how this is going to play out for all parties... we have some very conservative family members, and as I mentioned, trans-identity is a social taboo. We don't really know where to start, except love.

As an aside, I am a former regular poster who stopped coming around with the growing pains of the site upgrade. not a troll But I've always respected the opinions, even dissenting ones, that I received from the PS community.

 

[decodelighted]

I feel a very strong need to discuss this with DH. He is my family, and this effects him too and I am not comfortable withholding this. However, I don't imagine that he would take it well, which worries me. I guess in my worst moments, I wonder if he would leave me, or his family not want anything to do with ours if she decides to transition genders.

THIS is the crazy part to me. A husband leave his wife because of something her *sister* did ... or felt ... or *was*? Live & let live. Geez.

 

[ame]

I just had to point that out. I had to assume it was not intentional.

I don't disagree that it's socially considered "taboo" which is a shame, because it's not exactly a "choice" these people afflicted with it are making, and really all that can be done is that your family DOES support her and hopefully therapy helps her and the rest of your immediate family understand and sort it all out. Hopefully when the rest of the family (inlaws and the extended ones) sees you all are united in supporting her, great. But if not, then it's their loss.

As for your DH...I do believe he needs to know, but check with your immediate circle just to be sure it's ok. If he would seriuosly divorce you over this there are bigger issues at play with the relationship. If he can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut, that's something you two work out together. I know my Dh would share this with me, and vice versa, but frankly I feel like my Dh's family is a lot more "with it" and accepting than many others. Perhaps that's because they're not religious, spiritual or anything of the sort, and they don't have some dogma clouding their opinion, perhaps its just because it's not their life to judge.

 

[OMGOMG]

I feel a very strong need to discuss this with DH. He is my family, and this effects him too and I am not comfortable withholding this. However, I don't imagine that he would take it well, which worries me. I guess in my worst moments, I wonder if he would leave me, or his family not want anything to do with ours if she decides to transition genders.

THIS is the crazy part to me. A husband leave his wife because of something her *sister* did ... or felt ... or *was*? Live & let live. Geez.

It crossed my mind, so I felt the need to acknowledge it. I thought my parents were going to freak, they didn't. My sister thought I was going to freak, I didn't. I think it's hard to know what to expect, as our assumptions have not been borne out. However, there is a big difference in dealing with gender identity issues in theory, and dealing with an actual gender reassignment (who knows if my sister will ever decide to make that choice). There is only so much "live and let live" when this is someone that I talk to every day and is deeply embedded in our lives.

 

[VRBeauty]

OMGOMG - I don't have any advice to offer, just virtual hugs.

Personally, I think you need to tell your husband sooner rather than later. He will find out one way or another - if it is something that he'll react to negatively, that reaction will likely be stronger if he feels that you've been keeping secrets from him, or if he feels like he was the last to know. I hope you find yourself pleasantly surprised by his reaction!

 

[OMGOMG]

I just had to point that out. I had to assume it was not intentional.

I don't disagree that it's socially considered "taboo" which is a shame, because it's not exactly a "choice" these people afflicted with it are making, and really all that can be done is that your family DOES support her and hopefully therapy helps her and the rest of your immediate family understand and sort it all out. Hopefully when the rest of the family (inlaws and the extended ones) sees you all are united in supporting her, great. But if not, then it's their loss.

As for your DH...I do believe he needs to know, but check with your immediate circle just to be sure it's ok. If he would seriuosly divorce you over this there are bigger issues at play with the relationship. If he can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut, that's something you two work out together. I know my Dh would share this with me, and vice versa, but frankly I feel like my Dh's family is a lot more "with it" and accepting than many others. Perhaps that's because they're not religious, spiritual or anything of the sort, and they don't have some dogma clouding their opinion, perhaps its just because it's not their life to judge.

The religion piece is interesting. My sister is religious, and discussed wondering if this what just what God wanted her to deal with (ie, suppressing her desires). My dad (also religious) told her that God only cares about her heart, not whether she was a boy or a girl. My mom is also religious. DH and I are not religious.

 

[OMGOMG]

OMGOMG - I don't have any advice to offer, just virtual hugs.

Personally, I think you need to tell your husband sooner rather than later. He will find out one way or another - if it is something that he'll react to negatively, that reaction will likely be stronger if he feels that you've been keeping secrets from him, or if he feels like he was the last to know. I hope you find yourself pleasantly surprised by his reaction!

Thanks VRBeauty!

DH is my best friend, and I need him to be okay. He's my family too, and is as important to me as my sister.

In a perfect world, this would all just be no big deal, and my dear sister would just transition into whatever form of expression that she needs to be happy and fulfilled. I think it's terrible to confront the idea that being who you feel you truly are could mean losing so many of the friends and professional advances that you have made. It's totally unfair.

 

[Haven]

OMGOMG--I have a good friend whose sister transitioned to a male about eight years ago in her early twenties, so she was a FTM transgendered individual, and now he is a man.

My friend's immediate family took the news very well, and they were as wonderful and supportive as a family could be. They decided early on that they love their child and sibling no matter what, and their greatest concern was his happiness.

I agree that it sounds like you are a bit shocked right now, and that your first thought is to worry about how everyone else is going to react. I urge you to consider how traumatic it has been for your sister to spend her entire life feeling like a male trapped in a female body. I know societal pressure can be strong, and your concerns about your husband are very troubling, but I promise you that your sibling is the one who is struggling the most, and the one who needs the most support from your family.

I'm not sure if the process has changed, but when my friend's sibling began his transition he spent two years passing as a male before he was even allowed to consider gender reassignment surgery. During that time he gradually took more and more injections (of testosterone and other hormones, I believe,) and met regularly with a psychologist who specialized in transgendered transitions.

The family faced uncomfortable situations, to be sure. But their unwavering support of their loved one has made for a very successful, and happy transition for him. He's now in a committed relationship with a woman, and honestly he's happier now than I ever remember seeing him.

 

[princesss]

I just had to point that out. I had to assume it was not intentional.

I don't disagree that it's socially considered "taboo" which is a shame, because it's not exactly a "choice" these people afflicted with it are making, and really all that can be done is that your family DOES support her and hopefully therapy helps her and the rest of your immediate family understand and sort it all out. Hopefully when the rest of the family (inlaws and the extended ones) sees you all are united in supporting her, great. But if not, then it's their loss.

As for your DH...I do believe he needs to know, but check with your immediate circle just to be sure it's ok. If he would seriuosly divorce you over this there are bigger issues at play with the relationship. If he can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut, that's something you two work out together. I know my Dh would share this with me, and vice versa, but frankly I feel like my Dh's family is a lot more "with it" and accepting than many others. Perhaps that's because they're not religious, spiritual or anything of the sort, and they don't have some dogma clouding their opinion, perhaps its just because it's not their life to judge.

The religion piece is interesting. My sister is religious, and discussed wondering if this what just what God wanted her to deal with (ie, suppressing her desires). My dad (also religious) told her that God only cares about her heart, not whether she was a boy or a girl. My mom is also religious. DH and I are not religious.

I just fell in love with your dad.

I think being honest with your DH is important, but I think it's more important to respect your sister right now. Ask her if you can share this with him, and respect her choice on the matter. When she is comfortable with it, if you really think he's not going to react well, have a therapist suggestion ready. This is who your sister is, and they are both your family, so somehow he needs to be able to accept it.

You're in a tough situation, but I really applaud your family for the love and support you are showing your sister.

 

[ame]

I just had to point that out. I had to assume it was not intentional.

I don't disagree that it's socially considered "taboo" which is a shame, because it's not exactly a "choice" these people afflicted with it are making, and really all that can be done is that your family DOES support her and hopefully therapy helps her and the rest of your immediate family understand and sort it all out. Hopefully when the rest of the family (inlaws and the extended ones) sees you all are united in supporting her, great. But if not, then it's their loss.

As for your DH...I do believe he needs to know, but check with your immediate circle just to be sure it's ok. If he would seriuosly divorce you over this there are bigger issues at play with the relationship. If he can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut, that's something you two work out together. I know my Dh would share this with me, and vice versa, but frankly I feel like my Dh's family is a lot more "with it" and accepting than many others. Perhaps that's because they're not religious, spiritual or anything of the sort, and they don't have some dogma clouding their opinion, perhaps its just because it's not their life to judge.

The religion piece is interesting. My sister is religious, and discussed wondering if this what just what God wanted her to deal with (ie, suppressing her desires). My dad (also religious) told her that God only cares about her heart, not whether she was a boy or a girl. My mom is also religious. DH and I are not religious.

My limited experience with this particular subject showed me just how much religion can "dictate" someone's reaction. It's hard enough to accept it and understand it yourself, and to not develop a means to try to keep it inside and deal with it that's just harmful, but to be abandoned by your blood and friends who supposedly had your back...because some stupid book tells them it's "wrong" based on some "person" that might or might not exist beyond fables and that this person is going to some imaginary place??? Meh. That's a big part of WHY I am not at all religious and find religion the most dangerous thing ever invented.

I hope that whatever she chooses is the next step beyond all of you working through her feelings and how to support her best....I hope she's able to move forward and deal with whatever comes her way knowing that you all love her.

 

[Imdanny]

I want to respect her privacy and wishes, but I feel a very strong need to discuss this with DH. He is my family, and this effects him too and I am not comfortable withholding this. However, I don't imagine that he would take it well, which worries me. I guess in my worst moments, I wonder if he would leave me, or his family not want anything to do with ours if she decides to transition genders.

I might have more to say but I have to read this thread. So just for now, I'm curious about what you wrote here: "...this effects him too..."

I personally don't think that any members of a couple should hide anything from each other, but what you wrote above kind of brought me to a full stop, iykwim.

How does it affect him?

With all due respect, it need not affect him at all. It's not his life. And I'm really amazed that you could think that he might leave you over this. Wow.

Honestly, I'm not trying to be disrespectful. It's just that I believe that T people as in GLBT people have nothing to be ashamed of. I had a good friend in college who was transgendered. "A woman in a man's body". It kind of freaked me out... when I was 24. But human sexuality and human nature are what they are. If someone has a problem with your sister, that's their problem, IMHO.

 

[OMGOMG]

OMGOMG--I have a good friend whose sister transitioned to a male about eight years ago in her early twenties, so she was a FTM transgendered individual, and now he is a man.

My friend's immediate family took the news very well, and they were as wonderful and supportive as a family could be. They decided early on that they love their child and sibling no matter what, and their greatest concern was his happiness.

I agree that it sounds like you are a bit shocked right now, and that your first thought is to worry about how everyone else is going to react. I urge you to consider how traumatic it has been for your sister to spend her entire life feeling like a male trapped in a female body. I know societal pressure can be strong, and your concerns about your husband are very troubling, but I promise you that your sibling is the one who is struggling the most, and the one who needs the most support from your family.

I'm not sure if the process has changed, but when my friend's sibling began his transition he spent two years passing as a male before he was even allowed to consider gender reassignment surgery. During that time he gradually took more and more injections (of testosterone and other hormones, I believe,) and met regularly with a psychologist who specialized in transgendered transitions.

The family faced uncomfortable situations, to be sure. But their unwavering support of their loved one has made for a very successful, and happy transition for him. He's now in a committed relationship with a woman, and honestly he's happier now than I ever remember seeing him.

Thank you for sharing this Haven, it's very helpful to hear stories like this! We really have no idea what to expect, but I look forward to connecting with other families who can share stories so that we can all approach this in the most supportive and understanding way possible.

 

[OMGOMG]

.

I just fell in love with your dad.

I think being honest with your DH is important, but I think it's more important to respect your sister right now. Ask her if you can share this with him, and respect her choice on the matter. When she is comfortable with it, if you really think he's not going to react well, have a therapist suggestion ready. This is who your sister is, and they are both your family, so somehow he needs to be able to accept it.

You're in a tough situation, but I really applaud your family for the love and support you are showing your sister.

Thank you Princess, I do really want to respect her wishes, and she is not ready yet. I think you are 100% right.

 

[OMGOMG]

I want to respect her privacy and wishes, but I feel a very strong need to discuss this with DH. He is my family, and this effects him too and I am not comfortable withholding this. However, I don't imagine that he would take it well, which worries me. I guess in my worst moments, I wonder if he would leave me, or his family not want anything to do with ours if she decides to transition genders.

I might have more to say but I have to read this thread. So just for now, I'm curious about what you wrote here: "...this effects him too..."

I personally don't think that any members of a couple should hide anything from each other, but what you wrote above kind of brought me to a full stop, iykwim.

How does it affect him?

With all due respect, it need not affect him at all. It's not his life. And I'm really amazed that you could think that he might leave you over this. Wow.

Honestly, I'm not trying to be disrespectful. It's just that I believe that T people as in GLBT people have nothing to be ashamed of. I had a good friend in college who was transgendered. "A woman in a man's body". It kind of freaked me out... when I was 24. But human sexuality and human nature are what they are. If someone has a problem with your sister, that's their problem, IMHO.

I'm just expressing thoughts as they are coming to me, so please understand that these are not refined thoughts.

My husband loves my sister to death, and not that I assume that is conditional, but this is never something that you expect after 25 yrs. He has known my sister for a decade, and she is the sister he never had. I really have no idea how he will react, and he is my husband, so of course that concerns me. It effects him because my sister is his sister. We are all a family, how could it not effect him too? And I never hide things of this magnitude from him, we talk about everything important, which is why I feel at odds about keeping this from him.

I went to grad school with someone who was transgendered. I met him right after he had transitioned when we were previewing schools. We went to gay bars together, parties, worked together on group projects, and even mulled over doing a paper together on criminal justice issues in the transgendered community, particularly for ethnic minorities. I am keenly aware of heightened levels of interpersonal violence and discrimination within and towards the trans community. I worry for my sister's safety, her mental well being, for her career (publications, degrees etc under her current name/identity), interpersonal relations... everything anyone would be concerned about, but heightened now, for very real reasons. Further, my sister is concerned about being seen or assumed to associate with the GLBTA community, which she doesn't identify with. She just sees herself as "John" in "Jane's" body.

This is all very new, and we don't even know what direction my sister will choose. I appreciate the feedback IAMDanny and everyone else.

 

[Gypsy]

I think you should find out if there are any trans-gendered support groups in your area, and call them and ask them if family members are welcome (or if there is a separate support group for families) and go to a couple of sessions and just listen and then share. Take your husband with you. If he really does love your sister then he should be willing to put some effort in understanding what she is going through and the best way to do that is to sit and listen to a support group full of people who have been through the same thing. If your husband won't go for whatever reason, then you should still go yourself.

Regarding, telling your husband. I would personally suggest that you share the news in a POSITIVE way: You know how hard things have been for my sister Jane, well she's FINALLY got a name and a diagnosis for what she's been struggling with her whole life. This is what it is, and I'm so happy that she now has options and can explore them. Isn't it a great thing for HER, to finally have answers when all she's had before know is confusion, and hurt and alienation.

If you introduce it without your panic and make it about her, and how great this is for her to finally have answers and solutions-- that will go a lot way in helping him get to the same place faster.

 

[Imdanny]

I feel a very strong need to discuss this with DH. He is my family, and this effects him too and I am not comfortable withholding this. However, I don't imagine that he would take it well, which worries me. I guess in my worst moments, I wonder if he would leave me, or his family not want anything to do with ours if she decides to transition genders.

THIS is the crazy part to me. A husband leave his wife because of something her *sister* did ... or felt ... or *was*? Live & let live. Geez.

It crossed my mind, so I felt the need to acknowledge it. I thought my parents were going to freak, they didn't. My sister thought I was going to freak, I didn't. I think it's hard to know what to expect, as our assumptions have not been borne out. However, there is a big difference in dealing with gender identity issues in theory, and dealing with an actual gender reassignment (who knows if my sister will ever decide to make that choice). There is only so much "live and let live" when this is someone that I talk to every day and is deeply embedded in our lives.

Earlier you wrote-

"While we can personally deal with whatever decisions she makes, it's the social taboo side of things that make all of this so incomprehensible. It's scary to think of losing friends and family over gender expression."

I hate to say this because I understand you and your post are "real" and you are not a troll, but which is it? "There is ONLY SO MUCH "LIVE AND LET LIVE" WHEN THIS IS SOMEONE THAT I TALK TO EVERYDAY AND IS DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN OUR LIVES." OR "...we can personally deal with whatever decisions she makes"?

You might not realize it but the sentence I put in bold is extremely condescending, you seem conflicted, and don't seem very tolerant.

In regard to my first post, let me make an analogy. If I am gay (and I am) it does not AFFECT my SIL's LIFE. She might have her own thoughts and feelings, sure, I get that. But my life has no effect on her. The fact that I'm gay is really none of her business when it comes down to it. I'm trying to imagine what kind of "conservative" world you live in where you could imagine your husband leaving you over this.

You don't seem the least bit comfortable with what your sister told you. I can say that because right off the bat you announced that your sister is MENTALLY ILL. Many people don't believe that this is a mental illness. I don't.

I don't think you're going to have any luck at all controlling the reactions of a "conservative" community. Instead of worrying what other people think, maybe you should take a good, hard look at your own reaction. That's the only reaction any of us can control.

 

[kenny]

I'd just be there for your sibling.
A person's gender only matters to their romantic partner; (s)he is still the same person.

If your husband would you divorce you over this, well, good riddance, later Dude, Don't let the door hit you, and all that.

 

[mrs jam]

Big hugs to you and your sister. As far as the effect the news will have on your husband's life, who cares? I know that sounds flippant, but I would think it will only affect his life in a secondary, indirect kind of way. I would have a serious bone to pick with my husband if he was unwilling to support my sibling in an important life choice of such a profound nature. It sounds to me like your husband loves your sis, so I bet once his shock wears off, he will be very supportive of your sister and of you while you get used to the idea, too. My husband's brother has gone through some socially "taboo" experiences, but that in no way affects my feelings toward my DH. If anything, it makes me extra loving and protective toward both him and his brother. This is big news, but I know your family will adjust well. Just the fact that your sister feels comfortable confiding her feelings and decision to you shows me that she has a good support network. Big, big hugs!

 

[FrekeChild]

Good for her! Does she want to go through gender re-assignment surgery? Or does she want to be more genderqueer/gender fluid?

Yes, this affects you, but this is HUGE for her. She's always had a feeling like she should be a man, while that's one thing, it's incredibly difficult to make the change in a social respect. From what I know (which is mostly through academic study) it's as if you are dying, and being reborn as a new person - the old sister you had will be gone, and you'll now have a brother.

If your husband leaves you over this situation, I wouldn't think much of him as a person, to be honest. He married YOU. Not her!

 

[OMGOMG]

I feel a very strong need to discuss this with DH. He is my family, and this effects him too and I am not comfortable withholding this. However, I don't imagine that he would take it well, which worries me. I guess in my worst moments, I wonder if he would leave me, or his family not want anything to do with ours if she decides to transition genders.

THIS is the crazy part to me. A husband leave his wife because of something her *sister* did ... or felt ... or *was*? Live & let live. Geez.

It crossed my mind, so I felt the need to acknowledge it. I thought my parents were going to freak, they didn't. My sister thought I was going to freak, I didn't. I think it's hard to know what to expect, as our assumptions have not been borne out. However, there is a big difference in dealing with gender identity issues in theory, and dealing with an actual gender reassignment (who knows if my sister will ever decide to make that choice). There is only so much "live and let live" when this is someone that I talk to every day and is deeply embedded in our lives.

Earlier you wrote-

"While we can personally deal with whatever decisions she makes, it's the social taboo side of things that make all of this so incomprehensible. It's scary to think of losing friends and family over gender expression."

I hate to say this because I understand you and your post are "real" and you are not a troll, but which is it? "There is ONLY SO MUCH "LIVE AND LET LIVE" WHEN THIS IS SOMEONE THAT I TALK TO EVERYDAY AND IS DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN OUR LIVES." OR "...we can personally deal with whatever decisions she makes"?

You might not realize it but the sentence I put in bold is extremely condescending, you seem conflicted, and don't seem very tolerant.

In regard to my first post, let me make an analogy. If I am gay (and I am) it does not AFFECT my SIL's LIFE. She might have her own thoughts and feelings, sure, I get that. But my life has no effect on her. The fact that I'm gay is really none of her business when it comes down to it. I'm trying to imagine what kind of "conservative" world you live in where you could imagine your husband leaving you over this.

You don't seem the least bit comfortable with what your sister told you. I can say that because right off the bat you announced that your sister is MENTALLY ILL. Many people don't believe that this is a mental illness. I don't.

I don't think you're going to have any luck at all controlling the reactions of a "conservative" community. Instead of worrying what other people think, maybe you should take a good, hard look at your own reaction. That's the only reaction any of us can control.

I don't live in a particularly conservative world. As I mentioned, my mother, father and I were all fine with the news, while still surprised. My dad literally said, "That's it? I thought you were doing to tell me something big..." My sister is hugely relieved that everyone is so supportive. That said, this isn't anything we have ever experienced, and I have no idea what the reactions of others will be. We all feel very protective of my sister, but we can't protect her from the douchbaggery and judgment of others.

As to your analogy, I respectfully disagree. If my sister had come out as a lesbian, I would not be on PS posting about it. We have many gay family members, and it is a non-issue. It's different when someone is considering changing their gender. We have pictures from years back of my DH, sister and I. If my sister "ceases to exist", and I get a new brother, that's a big and real change. If you feel that would not effect your family, then perhaps our families just operate differently. We are very close knit. We will ALL be effected. And I do think that when things are difficult to deal with, some people check out. I don't presume that will be the case with my husband, but, as I said, it crossed my mind, so I expressed the concern.

I did not say that my sister was mentally ill. I used terminology that exists in the medical community, including the terms that MY SISTER USED to describe herself. She has degrees in psychology, physiology and public health, I do not. I discussed with her that I was aware that DSM IV classified it as a mental illness, but that I did not agree with that classification and hoped to see changes in the future. I think in her head, she has spent so much of her life feeling "wrong" that it DOES feel like mental health issue. When I spoke of her mental health, I mean being psychologically health, which has nothing to do with gender preference. She has been depressed and unhappy for a long time, and I asked her about suicidal ideation. Before she told me what she was dealing with, I made it very clear that suicide was my biggest fear, which is based on her history of cycles of depression. Clearly I now understand WHY she was depressed.

 

[OMGOMG]

I'd just be there for your sibling.
A person's gender only matters to their romantic partner; (s)he is still the same person.

If your husband would you divorce you over this, well, good riddance, later Dude, Don't let the door hit you, and all that.

I look forward to being there for my sister. I still want my husband to be there too, though. I don't think he would leave, but I do think that this will be outside of his comfort zone. Hopefully I am just overthinking this, and not giving him enough credit. I've known him for 12 years, and there hasn't been anything that he hasn't handled with grace and class.

 

[Kaleigh]

so... my 25 yr old sister revealed to me a week ago that she has experienced body dysmorphia, or an incongruence between her sex and gender, for her whole life. This was as surprising as this type of thing can be. She certainly was a tomboy growing up, but has grown into a beautiful and amazing young woman. She has always loved shopping for men's clothing, colognes. She always commented about wanting a hysterectomy, and her boobs chopped off. When she was a kid, she said she wanted to grown up to be a man. Apparently she was still journaling about these desires in HS. Yesterday, she told my parents, who also took it as well as one could expect, but we are all a bit confused and trying to sort this thing out in our heads. While we can personally deal with whatever decisions she makes, it's the social taboo side of things that make all of this so incomprehensible. It's scary to think of losing friends and family over gender expression.

Anyone have any experience in this arena???

I want to respect her privacy and wishes, but I feel a very strong need to discuss this with DH. He is my family, and this effects him too and I am not comfortable withholding this. However, I don't imagine that he would take it well, which worries me. I guess in my worst moments, I wonder if he would leave me, or his family not want anything to do with ours if she decides to transition genders.

I didn't read any of the responses, I wanted to give you my take on this. First of all it's hard. BUT really hard for her, as she is the one going through this. I relate a tad because my brother had similar issues.. In that he was gay.
When he told me, I was like oh for heavens sakes I knew that. Its all good, just don't tell me your bed time stories. He couldn't believe that I took it so well. I said come on I knew when I was little, it's not a huge secret... Well to me it wasn't but sure was to MY WHOLE family. MY parents disowened him, and my Nanny did as well.

That's when I got pissed, had the summer to take some extra credit courses and took one on sexual deviancy... Yes a Catholic college Villanova.

I didn't need the course for credit, didn't need it for the info, but needed it to be credible to what I was going to impart on my parents..

Biggest gift I gave them was that this is nothing your caused. And that you need to fully love and support him and show him he is welcomed back.

Well they got the fact that it wasn't their fault but the part of being welcomed back was lost.


My brother died of AIDS in '93. I cannot tell you how much I miss him.

YOUR sister needs you to be an advocate for her.

This is more about HER and what she needs, and how you can facilitate convos with the family....

I hope you give her love, support and empathy. Because what she has shared with you, is truly courageous..

She needs full on support, no judgement and a huge huge hug.

I hope you can do that for her.

I am sure you will, and as time goes by you will be closer than ever..

 

[OMGOMG]

I think you should find out if there are any trans-gendered support groups in your area, and call them and ask them if family members are welcome (or if there is a separate support group for families) and go to a couple of sessions and just listen and then share. Take your husband with you. If he really does love your sister then he should be willing to put some effort in understanding what she is going through and the best way to do that is to sit and listen to a support group full of people who have been through the same thing. If your husband won't go for whatever reason, then you should still go yourself.

Regarding, telling your husband. I would personally suggest that you share the news in a POSITIVE way: You know how hard things have been for my sister Jane, well she's FINALLY got a name and a diagnosis for what she's been struggling with her whole life. This is what it is, and I'm so happy that she now has options and can explore them. Isn't it a great thing for HER, to finally have answers when all she's had before know is confusion, and hurt and alienation.

If you introduce it without your panic and make it about her, and how great this is for her to finally have answers and solutions-- that will go a lot way in helping him get to the same place faster.

I really like your recommendation for "positive framing"! Thank you!

My sister lives with my parents, but DH and I live in another state. I certainly want to connect with some support networks, and I know my dad offered to go with my sister to counseling or anything else she needs for support. My mom wants to talk to someone privately. I don't really know yet what DH will want or need... I haven't been cleared to tell him yet.

 

[OMGOMG]

Good for her! Does she want to go through gender re-assignment surgery? Or does she want to be more genderqueer/gender fluid?

Yes, this affects you, but this is HUGE for her. She's always had a feeling like she should be a man, while that's one thing, it's incredibly difficult to make the change in a social respect. From what I know (which is mostly through academic study) it's as if you are dying, and being reborn as a new person - the old sister you had will be gone, and you'll now have a brother.

If your husband leaves you over this situation, I wouldn't think much of him as a person, to be honest. He married YOU. Not her!

I think right now, she is just feeling like this thing she's been suppressing all of her life has become more "real". I don't think she has figured out what to "do" about it at this point, but as friends are getting married and having babies, she felt this difference becoming more pronounced, and more suffocating. She described not feeling like she had a choice (to express herself as male via re-assignment). She is very self aware, and socially aware, so she is very concerned about the reactions of others. I'm hoping that she will have an opportunity to talk to a variety of people who have made different choices in this regard so that she can explore any options available to make the best decision for herself. She is also aware, and nervous about the social transition. She revealed that she had a phone/internet relationship, ongoing, with a young woman where she presented herself as a male. (apparently she would play out maleness in chatrooms growing up). She described it as the only time that she felt really free. This relationship ended recently, which also had to do with some of the acuteness and urgency for her telling my family. I think she lost a very important outlet, but also learned a lot about how she "feels male", but is very socialized into "femaleness."

 

[OMGOMG]

I didn't read any of the responses, I wanted to give you my take on this. First of all it's hard. BUT really hard for her, as she is the one going through this. I relate a tad because my brother had similar issues.. In that he was gay.
When he told me, I was like oh for heavens sakes I knew that. Its all good, just don't tell me your bed time stories. He couldn't believe that I took it so well. I said come on I knew when I was little, it's not a huge secret... Well to me it wasn't but sure was to MY WHOLE family. MY parents disowened him, and my Nanny did as well.

That's when I got pissed, had the summer to take some extra credit courses and took one on sexual deviancy... Yes a Catholic college Villanova.

I didn't need the course for credit, didn't need it for the info, but needed it to be credible to what I was going to impart on my parents..

Biggest gift I gave them was that this is nothing your caused. And that you need to fully love and support him and show him he is welcomed back.

Well they got the fact that it wasn't their fault but the part of being welcomed back was lost.


My brother died of AIDS in '93. I cannot tell you how much I miss him.

YOUR sister needs you to be an advocate for her.

This is more about HER and what she needs, and how you can facilitate convos with the family....

I hope you give her love, support and empathy. Because what she has shared with you, is truly courageous..

She needs full on support, no judgement and a huge huge hug.

I hope you can do that for her.

I am sure you will, and as time goes by you will be closer than ever..

Thank you for sharing your personal story Kaleigh! Our immediate family are looking forward to whatever it takes to have our happy, healthy "sister" back. I'm hoping for her sakes that we are greatly underestimating the capacity for friends, neighbors and more distant relatives to accept and embrace any changes she may undergo in her self expression. I just want her to be happy, and the have the things that she wants. She wants to feel comfortable. She wants to not be judged. She wants a partner. She wants to have a family of her own. I want her to have all of that and more! Next to DH, she is my best friend, I've been advocating and cheerleading for her all of her life, and I see this as no different.

 

[Gypsy]

What you and your DH need is something you need to work on. But please remember you are an individual. What YOU need as her sister is going to be different what what your DH needs. He may handle it with grace and class and be okay with never talking to anyone professional about it, or going to a support group. But that doesn't mean that the same will be true for you. I would recommend you find a support group near you and give it a shot once. From your posts it sounds to me like it would be helpful for you to not feel alone and isolated in a different state while your sister is going through this, and that it will help you figure out how to be supportive for your sister at this time. If it doesn't work for you, you don't have to go a second time.

 

[OMGOMG]

What you and your DH need is something you need to work on. But please remember you are an individual. What YOU need as her sister is going to be different what what your DH needs. He may handle it with grace and class and be okay with never talking to anyone professional about it, or going to a support group. But that doesn't mean that the same will be true for you. I would recommend you find a support group near you and give it a shot once. From your posts it sounds to me like it would be helpful for you to not feel alone and isolated in a different state while your sister is going through this, and that it will help you figure out how to be supportive for your sister at this time. If it doesn't work for you, you don't have to go a second time.

I agree completely. For me, even the beginning of this experience just expands my world. I look forward to connecting with a support community. I don't think that DH will feel the same. He's pretty anti-counseling in general. My biggest need right now is just the freedom to tell my husband. I will deal better with his reaction, whatever it is, than the speculation of what it "could" be. I hate suspense, and find anxiety crippling.

 

[Gypsy]

Anxiety is crippling. What's stopping you from getting it over with right now? Just go and "positive frame" it and get it done. You'll feel better.