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Gave a gift that wasn't appreciated - help me feel better about it please

Hi:

The family's' behavior is disturbing for many reasons, notwithstanding, they believed gossiping and complaining is acceptable/appropriate. No graciousness or civility or decorum.

But that is not on you @AllAboardTheBlingTrain . You had no idea that skankmedodowns are out there quantifying wedding gifts. Hence, since they did not show any kindness, by the same token, they can piss off. (sorry that likely not a colloquialism you are familiar with!)

cheers--Sharon
 
canuk-gal said:
Hi:

The family's' behavior is disturbing for many reasons, notwithstanding, they believed gossiping and complaining is acceptable/appropriate. No graciousness or civility or decorum.

But that is not on you @AllAboardTheBlingTrain . You had no idea that skankmedodowns are out there quantifying wedding gifts. Hence, since they did not show any kindness, by the same token, they can piss off. (sorry that likely not a colloquialism you are familiar with!)

cheers--Sharon
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I have less of a problem with the ones who brought it to my attention, but I am definitely miffed with the bride and her complaining. It feels a little “no good deed goes unpunished”.

But, well, I’m not going to waste any more energy on this. I think the gift I got was super appropriate and relatively generous and if she has a problem with it, that’s on her. Thank you for your comment!
 
Walk away, learn from it, save your own sanity and ignore the receiver for being entitled/ungrateful/whatever.

If she does not like your gift, it is her problem, not yours!

DK :))
 
How unacceptably. rude of those people.My dad would say they lack class. He was big on class. We were not at all wealthy. To him class was being polite always, not complaining and never doing or saying anything that might hurt someone else's feelings.
 
dk168 said:
Walk away, learn from it, save your own sanity and ignore the receiver for being entitled/ungrateful/whatever.

If she does not like your gift, it is her problem, not yours!

DK :))
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Thank you DK - I have resolved to do just that :)

lyra said:
How unacceptably. rude of those people.My dad would say they lack class. He was big on class. We were not at all wealthy. To him class was being polite always, not complaining and never doing or saying anything that might hurt someone else's feelings.
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Yeah you’ve hit upon the perfect description - it’s classless behaviour. I dislike that.
 
AllAboardTheBlingTrain said:
What complicates it is that the recipient hasn't actually said anything to me directly.

So I have a close family member who got married recently. Typically, for close family, the gift given is jewellery. I asked her mom what she would like as a gift (I am closer to her mother) - her mother said to do earrings or a cocktail ring, and that she likes rubies (which I let her know straight off was out of my budget), so she said okay just do a red stone then. I suggested to her mom that she pick out the gift and I'd pay for it (and that we could go shopping together) but her mother insisted that I buy something on my own. She also said it would be better to do the jewellery and not give cash (which would have been my other choice).

I went in to the jeweller's - I have been staying away lol as I am on ban island but I went in after a while. I saw this pendant that I figured would be out of my budget but it was a consignment piece and so was priced very attractively. It was a coloured stone pendant - the stone in the centre was a garnet (to be honest, of a middling quality) but with a sizeable and beautifully made cocktail diamond halo. I checked with the jeweller if the stone could be swapped out without damaging the setting (he said it could be easily done, so I figured if she really was stuck on a ruby, she could replace it) and if it could be converted to a ring easily (he said it could be). It was on the very top end of my budget, but I bought it.

Here's where I messed up, possibly - I didn't get it converted into a ring. I asked my own mom, and she said I'd spent enough on it and if the bride wanted to get it converted at some point, she could. So I just gave it to her as is. I stressed on the fact that if she wanted to pull it apart, remake it, replace the stone, turn it into a ring, or even regift/sell it - I would not be upset. She just smiled and said thank you to me, but since then I've heard from other people that she was commenting on how I cheaped out by not even paying for the conversion into a ring, and that garnets are the ugliest red stone (garnets catching strays out here). Thankfully the actual halo (the main value in the piece) hasn't gotten any negative remarks, at least not from what I've heard.

I felt bad. Should I now offer to pay to convert it into a ring? There's no way I could afford a decent natural ruby, but I could swing a lab grown one - should I offer to pay for that? But she also doesn't like lab growns so that wouldn't solve the problem. Also at the same time, I feel like I maxed out my budget, and got her something that she could very easily turn into something she loves. I know I would never have made any negative comments if I had received something that was so close to what I'd love, especially if the conversion would be doable and not crazy expensive (except for the ruby - but that's a wild thing to expect someone to buy for you, imo). And my feelings are hurt, I'm not going to lie. If her mom had brought it up with me privately, that's one thing. But she's apparently complained to multiple people (who I trust to not make up things).

Or do I just let it go and not bring it up?
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I would let it go and not bring it up. Sounds like it was a very stressful experience from start to end, and the stress is still continuing. So I don’t see it being anything except more stress. So I would let it go.
 
Wow. Sorry you were treated so poorly.

I agree with everyone else. Bridezilla's comments were extremely rude and she sounds like a spoiled brat. I feel sorry for her husband.

Also, my guess is that nicely colored, natural red gems are the most difficult to find without a huge budget. So, unless her mother didn't know that, it seems to me an impossible request in the first place. I mean, you can't just toss out "Oh, any red gem then," like you could with, say, blue or pink.

But I definitely agree with your decision to not say or do anything back (even though she thoroughly deserves it). It seems Bridezilla is already receiving the social slap-down she deserves, since more than one person has come to you to tell you what she said and what they thought of it. And nobody can say, "On the other hand..." about your behavior too in this exchange, if they're not given anything to say that about.

I also thought your mother had a good idea to just get a pair of pearl earrings or other "safe" classic from now on.

However, I'm not completely sold on that idea, personally, or at least, not always. I think many people would notice and appreciate the extra effort you took to get them something special that you thought they'd really like. So it would also be a shame to cut out that loveliness in the future, just because Bridezilla is ill-mannered and ungrateful. I mean, it sounds like you actually did great. She's the one who failed.
 
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I thought is was so interesting that some people regift their own jewelry to the bride. What a nice custom!

I can't think of any similar custom in the US (apart from some brides receiving a family engagement ring).
 
AllAboardTheBlingTrain said:
Thank you so much for this Daisy. I spoke to my mom right now and filled her in about what I’d heard and she was incensed on my behalf as well. She advised me the same thing - to just let it go. She also said in the future I shouldn’t ask people what they want and I should just gift them something standard/classic - like diamond or pearl studs (which no one should complain about receiving!) Mother knows best, lol. I’m going to stick to this advice.
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@AllAboardTheBlingTrain it must have felt painful. You have done so much thinking and searching. You opened your heart and not just your wallet. I think you did much more than expected. The response was ungracious. You have been the more dignified and gracious person - to let it go. Peace be with you!
 
Calliecake said:
I hope you are beginning to feel better about the situation @AllAboardTheBlingTrain. I remember how excited you were about this gift and the time, effort and thought you put into it.
You’re a good person and she is so lucky to have you in her life. Hopefully one day she will come to appreciate that.
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Thank you Callie, you are always so kind and caring in your messages. Every time I have posted something upsetting you’ve reached out multiple times to reassure me - I really appreciate it. Thank you.

seaurchin said:
Wow. Sorry you were treated so poorly.

I agree with everyone else. Bridezilla's comments were extremely rude and she sounds like a spoiled brat. I feel sorry for her husband.

Also, my guess is that nicely colored, natural red gems are the most difficult to find without a huge budget. So, unless her mother didn't know that, it seems to me an impossible request in the first place. I mean, you can't just toss out "Oh, any red gem then," like you could with, say, blue or pink.

But I definitely agree with your decision to not say or do anything back (even though she thoroughly deserves it). It seems Bridezilla is already receiving the social slap-down she deserves, since more than one person has come to you to tell you what she said and what they thought of it. And nobody can say, "On the other hand..." about your behavior too in this exchange, if they're not given anything to say that about.

I also thought your mother had a good idea to just get a pair of pearl earrings or other "safe" classic from now on.

However, I'm not completely sold on that idea, personally, or at least, not always. I think many people would notice and appreciate the extra effort you took to get them something special that you thought they'd really like. So it would also be a shame to cut out that loveliness in the future, just because Bridezilla is ill-mannered and ungrateful. I mean, it sounds like you actually did great. She's the one who failed.
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Thank you so much. You’re right, if everyone agrees with me then I really shouldn’t let it bother me. Clearly people apprised of the situation (even from both sides) think I’m in the clear. Her rudeness is her problem.

I don’t ascribe malice to her mother, I should explain that locally there is very little understanding or knowledge about gem quality. People will wear low quality glass filled rubies treated out the wazoo that look like rusty glass and only care that it is (technically) a ruby. Coloured stones aren’t really appreciated on their own merits for the most part, they just exist to add colour and volume to a diamond piece. So when she said ruby she probably was thinking about one of those. I just personally refuse to spend money on something like that - it hurts me lol. I thought the garnet was more attractive than those crappy rubies - shows what I know!

You make a good point about the moral high ground - it reinforces my desire to not do anything about it (other than vent here, I guess haha).

You also make a good point about not throwing out the baby with the bath water… I think the thing is, projects excite me. I enjoy the process a lot. I love putting thought into it, coming up with designs that I think will appeal to the other person, or finding bargains that maximise value for the other person. That’s why I don’t stick to “classic” safe pieces. This is the first time it’s backfired and it upset me. Maybe I need the middle ground… project pieces for people I really care about, who I know will appreciate them, whose tastes are not so exacting; and “safe” classics for others.
 
pearlsngems said:
I thought is was so interesting that some people regift their own jewelry to the bride. What a nice custom!

I can't think of any similar custom in the US (apart from some brides receiving a family engagement ring).
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Regifting is considered perfectly normal and expected here! I personally like it as well. It’s not a requirement, but it is nice to have the option - gives a piece multiple chances to be appreciated. In a jewellery and gifting heavy culture it makes a lot of sense else youd be stuck with pieces you don’t care for.

Crimson said:
@AllAboardTheBlingTrain it must have felt painful. You have done so much thinking and searching. You opened your heart and not just your wallet. I think you did much more than expected. The response was ungracious. You have been the more dignified and gracious person - to let it go. Peace be with you!
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Thank you so much!
 
In my culture we gift brides jewelry too (middle eastern). And here's my take on it.

You tried to find something truly to her taste, you asked her mother, and you bought what you could afford. If that's not good enough, that's a her problem not a you problem. Honestly the whole story demonstrates the difference between your character and hers. Any lacks here are on their part not yours.
 
Gypsy said:
In my culture we gift brides jewelry too (middle eastern). And here's my take on it.

You tried to find something truly to her taste, you asked her mother, and you bought what you could afford. If that's not good enough, that's a her problem not a you problem. Honestly the whole story demonstrates the difference between your character and hers. Any lacks here are on their part not yours.
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Thank you for saying this!
 
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