Wedding *gasp* Is FMIL...compromising?

[dogmama]

Ladies, what a difference a week makes!

So I was completely bummed about this whole destination wedding getting called off. I didn''t reply but I did read the thread''s replies. It was about honoring our parents and letting them have something they wanted. We want our parents to be happy at our union, so we made the sacrifice.

So we started actively looking at venues again. We went to 6 so far. All of them were very different. We have a strict, strict budget and pretty much nixed the ones that 1. didn''t fit into or come close to budget or 2. we just simply didn''t like.

So we have 2 contenders! 1 is pretty much looking like a standout for practical reasons. I''m not toooo fond of the old European feel of it, but it has great gardens, peacocks, parrots and beautiful rooms. Nice people too!

Here is the coolest part of this! I think that FMIL knows how difficult this was for us. We essentially gave up our entire vision. So after seeing the DVD of this venue, *she* told FH that it would be a nice place to have a garden wedding and that she would call in the priest.

So FH calls me at like 11 at night back at him place with the good news and I''m speechless. Like falls over dead, prostrate with disbelief speechlessness. So honey, I''m not looking a gift horse in the mouth. I am running with this.

Suffice to say things are looking up again. Not our vision, but definitely some silver linings. Just wanted to let you wonderful people know!

 

[pjean]

Oh, I''m so glad! And a garden wedding is a great idea.

 

[Harleigh]

I''m happy to hear things are looking up for you! Hooray! I hope everything else comes together smoothly, as well!

 

[laine]

Glad things seem to be working out for you! And peacocks!?! Thats just awesome!

 

[bee*]

Delighted to hear that things are improving!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Sounds good!!

Glad she is budging a bit!

 

[anchor31]

I''m glad to hear that she''s not being too inflexible! I hope things go well for you.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Aww I hope it all works out!!

 

[dogmama]

ETA: FMIL is not compromising. She is pulling a front. FH approached her and said we are opting for the garden ceremony, and she stuttered and said, "I said it hoping you''d choose the church."

Great.

So FH says, Too late. I already told Lily that we could have it in a garden because you OK''d it.

But as the great guilt trip goes, we are now having to think this all over. Sighs. Hopefully FH is not going to be guilted into this one. I was actually excited about this one!

 

[Harleigh]

Oh, dear lord...she sounds exactly like my own mother. I am SO sorry, and all I can say is that I feel your pain! Hang in there!

 

[winston26]

ugh, that''s terrible. I hate it when people do that. I really hope your FI won''t be sucked into her guilt trip. This would be a good lesson for her if you follow through on the garden party though, otherwise she is sent the message that that method works.

 

[Pandora II]

Definitely go with the garden wedding - you have compromised enough. She suggested it, got you excited and is now being childish. If you are not religious, pull the 'I feel it is disrespectful to those who do believe to stand up and make promises to a deity who I have no belief in, and will therefore make my vows hypocritical and less-meaningful as you will be expecting me to lie...'

Is she expecting you to bring your children up in a religious way?

Just to add that peacocks are fabulous. I was at my cousin's wedding on Saturday and the venue had amazing gardens and about 30 peacocks. Sadly it poured with rain and was freezing cold all day so they weren't properly appreciated, but they did look amazing!

 

[dogmama]

Date: 5/19/2008 11:26:39 PM
Author: Harleigh
Oh, dear lord...she sounds exactly like my own mother. I am SO sorry, and all I can say is that I feel your pain! Hang in there!

Harleigh, you''re not going to believe this other bit of news: She insists I call her mom.

 

[dogmama]

Date: 5/20/2008 10:44:57 AM
Author: Pandora II
Definitely go with the garden wedding - you have compromised enough. She suggested it, got you excited and is now being childish. If you are not religious, pull the ''I feel it is disrespectful to those who do believe to stand up and make promises to a deity who I have no belief in, and will therefore make my vows hypocritical and less-meaningful as you will be expecting me to lie...''

Is she expecting you to bring your children up in a religious way?

Just to add that peacocks are fabulous. I was at my cousin''s wedding on Saturday and the venue had amazing gardens and about 30 peacocks. Sadly it poured with rain and was freezing cold all day so they weren''t properly appreciated, but they did look amazing!

Yes Pandora she fully expects them to be Catholic. However, we are raising them nondenominational. They can learn about religions and be exposed to them and they can make their own choices. I am absolutely 100% firm on this one. I am not budging.

I love the peacocks too! I started to think about how to incorporate the peacock feathers as a part of the invites or theme at the wedding. ^_^ Getting ahead of myself!

 

[Pandora II]

If you are not religious, I''m betting this is half the reason she wants a Catholic wedding. I don''t know about the US, but over here if you want to get married in a Catholic church, you have to promise to bring your children up as RC, or if you are a non-believer marrying a catholic, that you will leave your childs religious upbringing to them!

 

[dogmama]

Date: 5/20/2008 6:26:55 PM
Author: Pandora II
If you are not religious, I''m betting this is half the reason she wants a Catholic wedding. I don''t know about the US, but over here if you want to get married in a Catholic church, you have to promise to bring your children up as RC, or if you are a non-believer marrying a catholic, that you will leave your childs religious upbringing to them!

Pandora I didn''t know about this. I''m not familiar at all with Christian rituals. (I''m Buddhist.) Wow...that seems really sneaky. I had no clue! I don''t think I''d be under any obligation to actually raise them in such a way, do I? I certainly wouldn''t leave their upbringing to my FMIL. They''re MY children!!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 5/20/2008 6:48:36 PM
Author: lilythespitfire

Date: 5/20/2008 6:26:55 PM
Author: Pandora II
If you are not religious, I'm betting this is half the reason she wants a Catholic wedding. I don't know about the US, but over here if you want to get married in a Catholic church, you have to promise to bring your children up as RC, or if you are a non-believer marrying a catholic, that you will leave your childs religious upbringing to them!

Pandora I didn't know about this. I'm not familiar at all with Christian rituals. (I'm Buddhist.) Wow...that seems really sneaky. I had no clue! I don't think I'd be under any obligation to actually raise them in such a way, do I? I certainly wouldn't leave their upbringing to my FMIL. They're MY children!!

I'd check it out - you'll probably have to sign up for pre-cana etc as well.

I would really put my foot down on this one. It's your wedding, not hers and expecting you to fulfil HER religious beliefs is entirely unreasonable.

I would try and nip this in the bud now.

(I have a friend who is an atheist, her religious MIL took her daughter off and had her baptised on the QT without telling the mother - she was furious and told her MIL that she was no longer welcome in their house and that since she couldn't be trusted with her grandchild she wouldn't be seeing her either. Last time I heard it was still the case - the MIL hasn't seen her grandchild for over 6 years...)


What is this with the calling her 'mom' thing? I call my FMIL by her first name. The only person I call 'mummy' (sorry don't have mom in the UK

) is my mother. Why would you call her this - would sound very odd to me!

 

[dogmama]

Date: 5/20/2008 6:56:39 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 5/20/2008 6:48:36 PM

Author: lilythespitfire

Date: 5/20/2008 6:26:55 PM

Author: Pandora II

If you are not religious, I''m betting this is half the reason she wants a Catholic wedding. I don''t know about the US, but over here if you want to get married in a Catholic church, you have to promise to bring your children up as RC, or if you are a non-believer marrying a catholic, that you will leave your childs religious upbringing to them!

Pandora I didn''t know about this. I''m not familiar at all with Christian rituals. (I''m Buddhist.) Wow...that seems really sneaky. I had no clue! I don''t think I''d be under any obligation to actually raise them in such a way, do I? I certainly wouldn''t leave their upbringing to my FMIL. They''re MY children!!

I''d check it out - you''ll probably have to sign up for pre-cana etc as well.

I would really put my foot down on this one. It''s your wedding, not hers and expecting you to fulfil HER religious beliefs is entirely unreasonable.

I would try and nip this in the bud now.

(I have a friend who is an atheist, her religious MIL took her daughter off and had her baptised on the QT without telling the mother - she was furious and told her MIL that she was no longer welcome in their house and that since she couldn''t be trusted with her grandchild she wouldn''t be seeing her either. Last time I heard it was still the case - the MIL hasn''t seen her grandchild for over 6 years...)

What is this with the calling her ''mom'' thing? I call my FMIL by her first name. The only person I call ''mummy'' (sorry don''t have mom in the UK

) is my mother. Why would you call her this - would sound very odd to me!

I thought it was odd too. I have a mom. (Mummy sounds so much cuter though!) She feels that it is respectful this way. I would MUCH rather call her by her first name.

That story about the babynapping cum baptismal is scary. I mean, whoa...where do you get off? I think you''re right. I have given FH time to think on it and I will tell him how I feel tonight about this.

This is all nuts. Truly. I mean, when did weddings bring out the *worst* in people?!

 

[Sabine]

If you are married in the Catholic church, as a Catholic or non, you are asked to pledge that you will raise your children in the Catholic faith. Although I''m sure people do it, I would not want to formally pledge to a church that you will if you have no intention to. I don''t necessarily know how I feel about this, but I guess I understand that if you want to get married in the Catholic church, you are pledging that the church will be a part of yours and your families lives. Since it sounds like you really don''t want to do that, I would definitely say to stick to your guns no matter what.

 

[galeteia]

You could always zing her with a line like "We cannot not get married in the church because we understand it requires us raising our children Catholic, and we are not willing to make a promise we don''t intend to keep." Implying, of course, unlike some people you won''t mention.

 

[dogmama]

Date: 5/20/2008 7:48:55 PM
Author: Galateia
You could always zing her with a line like ''We cannot not get married in the church because we understand it requires us raising our children Catholic, and we are not willing to make a promise we don''t intend to keep.'' Implying, of course, unlike some people you won''t mention.

Galateia you crack me up. That would be a bit too confrontational for me. I want to keep the peace as long as possible. Truly. BTW congrats on the cohabitating! I''m following your thread over in LIW.