Future MIL is driving me batty

[NuggetBrain]

I love his mom. I do, really - she's an awesome mom and a really nice lady. But I swear to God, if I have to listen to her shoot down my ideas one more time I'm going to freak out. Its like everything I come up with is a bad idea - I want to do mint green and lilac for my colors, she thinks I should do mauve (in a spring wedding, no less). I was thinking a candy buffet would be fun, she thinks it will be too much money (yet thinks the 900 bucks we're spending on a photobooth that her son wants is a great idea). I wanted to get married in one of the rooms at the mansion we're renting, and she said "the room was too short and I needed a longer aisle". She thinks I should do without chair covers because they're too expensive (the chairs are the same ones you sit in at doctor's offices and work. They need to be covered. The chair covers are only 1.50 per guest.) She thinks the photographer is too much money (2,500 for 7 hours, two photogs, engagement session, album and all proofs retouched and given to us on a high rez DVD with rights. She wants to give his sister a digital camera and let her do the pictures). She thinks the decorations are too much money, she thinks that to save time and cash we should have our GUESTS help switch a room over from the ceremony to the cocktail hour so we don't have to pay for the extra time rental!! She's insistant that we can do the entire wedding (and honeymoon, and wedding rings) for under 10 grand, even though she wants us to invite all twelve of FI's aunts and uncles (even the ones he sees like, once every two years) along with all their kids and their kids' kids - the fact that we budgeted about 15 grand (which is still doing it pretty cheap, I think) is blowing her mind. She's basing all of her wedding pricing and experiences off of her daughter's wedding from 7 years ago in Florida (and it was a beach wedding) so of COURSE everything seems more expensive. I think it ticks me off even more because she isn't paying for the wedding - if she was she could do whatever she wanted, but this is our money and our wedding! GAH!!

 

[lucyandroger]

Hi NB,

I''m so sorry you''re going through all this. If I were you, I would just thank FMIL for her thoughts and opinions and then do whatever it is you like. Since she''s not paying for the wedding, why on earth would she have a say as to how much you spend?!

Just ignore her and laugh at her crazy ideas with your FI later!

 

[Deelight]

I would do what I have been saying to anyone and everyone that has been giving me the sheets lately: Thank you for that wonderful suggestion, I will keep that in mind - and then just do what the heck you want - you guys are paying for it so really it is your affair .

From personal experience (dealing with the same sheet) people just sometimes want their feelings validated and when it comes to weddings everyone and their dog has an opinion on how/what/should he done.

 

[LaraOnline]

Why is she telling you what SHE wants? Brainstorming with you is fine, but I don''t get why you feel you need to justify your choices?

Don''t give her any more details!!!

Tell her you want it to be a wonderful surprise for her!
Is she running to your fiance about all of this? dumb.

She might be a nice lady, but she needs to remember that basically, this is YOUR wedding, not hers. She''s had a daughter or two to boss around in earlier weddings... *shrugs*

Perhaps you can make out that YOUR mum has heaps of difficult opinions, and that she wants it all a different way - ''Mum is insisting on seat covers'' lol

What a pushy lady! Sheesh!

 

[Clairitek]

You have every right to feel like she is over-stepping her bounds with her suggestions. I think the other two posters have given you great advice to politely thank her and move on with whatever you were planning on doing in the first place.

Good luck! I hope she calms down a little as you get further into planning.

 

[lliang_chi]

I agree, don''t talk to her about any more wedding planning. If she asks, just stay vague, or give her the old: "Oh y''know we''re in a lull now."

Your ideas sound great! If she says anything just do the whole "Lalalalala" thing in your head.

 

[kama_s]

I agree with Lara. My mum''s pretty much similar, and I refuse to give her ay information on what we''re doing. Usually our conversation goes like this:

Mum: How''s the wedding planning going
Kama: It''s going well, so where would you like to go for dinner?

Less is more! Infact, I dont talk wedding with anyone, except for Mr. Kama, my MIL and occasionally my dad.

 

[choro72]

Are you paying for it? Then don''t give her information. Simple. Doesn''t mean that you are being mean about it. FI and I decided that we''ll let her have an opinion on one thing only, and that''s the food choice. Otherwise, we don''t tell her anything.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this... but you've been given some great advice. I agree that less is certainly more. Maybe you could tell her that all of the ideas are her son's since she seems to love anything he comes up with.

 

[bee*]

If you''re paying for it then she really doesn''t have a say. D''s mam tried to do the same with some of the ideas I had but I just thanked her and said that I will be going ahead with it the way that D and I want. She had her chance already to do what she wanted for her wedding.

 

[elrohwen]

She''s ok with a $900 photobooth, but thinks you should keep it under $10k?

I feel your pain! It''s tricky dealing with someone else''s mom when you''re so used to dealing with your own. It sounds like you''re paying for it all, right? If so, just try not to let her comments bother you I guess.

I know it''s frustrating ... my own mom has told me that we''re spending way too much and being extravagent ($20k). Well, she doesn''t know what weddings cost! We''re doing everything as cheaply as possible but some things are unavoidable.

Just smile and nod and then do whatever you and FI wanted to do in the first place!

 

[meresal]

Nugget, LMAO... I am sooooo sorry you are going thru this. I had FMIL problems before FI and I got engaged, and luckily they have gone away, or I just stopped caring after I knew we were indeed getting married.

Anyway, I can undersatnd your frustration ::hugs:: Does she ask you questions, or are you just sharing information and she makes comments?

 

[NuggetBrain]

You guys are right, I'm going to have to stop sharing all my ideas for the wedding with her. Its just kind of difficult because my mom doesn't get really excited or involved with the planning, and my two best friends are still single so they really aren't into the planning either. The one girl who I could talk about this stuff with (another friend who had a beautiful wedding) just had a baby, so she's not really down for chatting about plate settings, LOL. And I love hearing people's ideas (I am second guessing the candy buffet) but it makes it very hard when EVERY idea you have seems to be wrong.

Yes, we're paying for a vast majority of the wedding ourselves. I just want everything to look nice - we don't need to spend a lot of money, but I don't want it to look like we kind of quit halfway through - like have great table settings and beautiful centerpieces, and ugly doctor's room chairs to sit in.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/7/2009 12:06:30 PM
Author: choro72
Are you paying for it? Then don''t give her information. Simple. Doesn''t mean that you are being mean about it. FI and I decided that we''ll let her have an opinion on one thing only, and that''s the food choice. Otherwise, we don''t tell her anything.

Ditto.

My MIL would stroke out (god forbid) if she knew how much we spent and she contributed (paid for rehearsal dinner)!

 

[lliang_chi]

Nugget, talk to the ladies here!!! Who better to discuss wedding stuff with

 

[Kelli]

Poor lady thinks it''s her wedding LOL

I''m sure she''s a really nice lady, and kudos to you for saying that. But she sure does sound like a pain in the patoot! Luckily, you don''t have to listen to her!

 

[galvana]

Im sorry you are going through this, you have gotten some great advice from everyone already.
Im not sure why FMIL''s do this type of stuff, but they do!
I know this doesn''t help much but just know you are not alone and try to be strong!
and do what the others said, give her as little details as possible and ultimately do what YOU WANT!

 

[iheartscience]

Yeah, no more sharing your ideas with her! Or at the very least, not more letting her know how much things cost! That''s kind of easy if you ask me, because it''s really none of her business!

And if you want to bounce ideas around, use BWW! Most people will give their honest opinion here on PS if you ask for it. (Just be careful what you wish for though-not everyone seems to enjoy the honesty, even when they ask for it!

)

 

[AmberGretchen]

Great idea to stop sharing! I totally understand what you are going through, and this is really the best way - if she insists on judging your spending on the wedding, then she doesn''t get to be involved!