Wedding furious

[janinegirly]

I agree with sum. I had similar issues with DH for the honeymoon. In the beginning he was happy to take it on, knew it was *his* one responsiblity (compared to my 50+!).

But as time passed, and I dropped hints, then drafted a short list of places, then guided him to travel agents, it just got too frustrating. I didn''t want it to be 2 months before the wedding and still planning a HM! I ended up doiing 90% of it. He rationalized that I was the picky one so it was easier for me to take charge (!).

In the end, I realize it is just not one of his strengths. (ie planning ahead). And the more I pressure the more he went into his shell and got stubborn. Not good. I just did it all and made sure to remind him along the way! It''s not great, but it''s better than being furious and even worse, not having it get done.

 

[Krissie]

((((Mimzy))))) Well, I think this is a good outcome, and I''m really glad you had a serious talk about it. I hope that you''re feeling a little better today!

 

[Gypsy]

Mimzy, I am very happy your talk went well. It is hard to adjust to living on your own and being responsible, while at the same time learning to trust, live with, and consider another person.

I wouldn''t feel guilty about feeling doubts about the relationship. It''s natural, and you were a)venting and b) not saying it was over... but expressing concern that if something doesn''t happen in the short term, bad things may happen in the long term. And that''s TRUE and it''s natural.

((HUGS)) I''m happy you guys had a talk and made some mutual decisions.

 

[decodelighted]

Welcome to "the work"!

Yup. This kind of thing *will* happen over & over again ... even in the best relationships. Two people just think differently & have different priorities. It is a TRUE STRUGGLE to try to stay on the same page even when you really love & trust & respect & are trying to honor the other person.

I''m glad the talk went well & that you''ve gotten more perspective over the situation today. Loving you isn''t going to make him a different person instantly, or, frankly EVER. IMHO its about creating strategies to help you both get what you want ... while still accepting each other for your true selves. Flaws & all.

I was thinking about this last night too: he didn''t *know* the price was going to go up $800. So it wasn''t his *intent* to screw up your honeymoon plans. What if the price jump had happened the day after you told him or a week after? Would you be as upset? Maybe you could let him take over the entire honeymoon job & accept whatever happens. It could be a good exercise in releasing control. And it would let him recognize the consequences of his actions, or lack of action without you being the middleman .. holding the mirror up to his face "see, see what you did -- you ruined our honeymoon". It''s hard to get defensive against YOURSELF, yanno? Having the entire responsibility might make him approach it differently, take ownership. Just an idea.

Glad your feeling better today!

 

[musey]

Ditto everything that deco said! (Deco, as I was reading your post I just found myself nod-nod-nodding

)

I''m glad that things are better now, and I think that you handled the situation well. Those silly guys tend to get defensive and just shrug things off ''til we knock some sense into ''em.

 

[ringster]

hey mimzy, i''m glad your talk went well! i totally know how you feel cause i am dealing with kind of the same thing - wedding is in 17 days and FI has JUST picked out his tux and working on the ring, don''t even ask me about the honeymoon (luckily we are planning on going later in the year so i''m going to cross that bridge after the wedding).

i think guys have such different way of looking at things sometimes. but yes, when something is important to you, it is important for you to be honest and let your guy know so that you can get that out and then you can both work on some kind of solution together.

 

[lliang_chi]

mimzy, I''m glad things worked out okay. Good luck on the rest of the wedding planning.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I am so glad the talk went well! ((Hugs)) The list thing may work afterall. My FI used to "forget" to do things (

), so I asked him to him start leaving post-its for himself with a list of what he needs to do for him to see when he got up annnnd now he doesn''t forget.

And if I remember something, I leave him a post-it for him. Hehe. It''s kind of similar I think, just more short-term. Best wishes dear!

 

[mimzy]

thanks everyone!

this is definitely going to take some work and strategizing, but it''s going to be fine. he DOES have a horrific memory about EVERYTHING and i know now that i can''t really count on him remembering ANYTHING (wedding related or not!). in fact while we were talking and i pointed out that he hadn''t done any of the things that I had asked him to he claimed that i hadn''t given him anything to do and when i started to list the things i had (there were only like four of them) the color promptly drained from his face and he admitted that he didn''t remember that those were his responsibilities even though i had been talking about them for the last couple weeks.


and, most importantly, i think he just might spend the extra $$ so we can go to belize anyways (airfare did come down a little bit so it is only $400 extra now..). BUT i will leave that up to him as i''m still not going to touch the trip again

(deco- that''s what i said i am going to do earlier, that i''m not having anything to do with the honeymoon anymore and whatever he makes it is what it will be!)

 

[CJ2008]

Mimzy, I am so happy that your talk went well! Sometimes it''s when things like this happen that make the relationship grow the most.

I love what deco said...

It could be a good exercise in releasing control.

 

[tberube]

Gosh - I don''t know what to say about the trip itself, but I can tell you as a woman you''re not alone. My FI can''t be trusted to take out the trash on a consistent basis (it being the ONLY housework he is responsible for), let ALONE help me plan anything having to do with the wedding! We''ve been engaged for a year, the wedding is in four months, and he JUST finally asked his friend to be his best man.

Is there somewhere else you can plan to go? Maybe you can plan your honeymoon somewhere else that fits in your budget, and then this particular trip can happen at a different time.

 

[bee*]

Glad to hear that everythings sorted mimzy! D is the biggest procrastinator also so that''s why I''m booking our HM and the rest of the wedding. Once I have things narrowed down with each part of the wedding, I bring him a couple of them to him and then we pick that together. It keeps him interested but doesn''t bore him! It has frustrated me sometimes but that''s him and I can''t see him changing.

 

[sunnygirl]

Mimzy- I''m so glad your talk went well. It sounds like you really got things out there and he listened. Of course, people can''t change who they are fundamentally but they can still try to better themselves and to be sensitive to the things that are important to their loved ones.

Date: 4/30/2008 2:53:24 PM
Author: tberube
Gosh - I don''t know what to say about the trip itself, but I can tell you as a woman you''re not alone. My FI can''t be trusted to take out the trash on a consistent basis (it being the ONLY housework he is responsible for), let ALONE help me plan anything having to do with the wedding! We''ve been engaged for a year, the wedding is in four months, and he JUST finally asked his friend to be his best man.

Tberube - Your post cracked me up! Sounds just like my FI (down to the trash being one of his only responsibilities!)