Wedding furious

[mimzy]

so for the past month and a half or so i have spent countless (COUNTLESS) hours researching honeymoon locations and resorts and hotels and airfare and excursions and everything needed to plan the perfect honeymoon for FI and I. Even though this was supposed to be his project, I did most of the legwork (and by most i mean ALL). I finally found the perfect place and i was ready to book it but he wanted to email them and double check the prices, which i was fine with - but i said it was his job. It took him a week to email them despite my reminding (nagging) that we had to do it soon to make sure airfare didn''t go up, which i mentioned DOZENS of times. He finally emailed them but didn''t get a response, to which i suggested that he either call or forward the email to the general manager. Finally after a WEEK I forward the email to the manager and get the price confirmation. FI insisted on double checking the budget, which i said, go ahead. this was last friday. guess who still hasn''t double checked the budget?

Today i log on to check the airfare and sure enough prices went up almost $400 a ticket, which makes the trip out of our budget by $800. After bawling for like a half hour i told FI that i''ve never been so mad in my entire life. He wasn''t even remorseful. i put SO MUCH WORK into this trip to make it something that he would love, and he doesn''t even care enough to shoot off an email to ensure it happens. I pretty much can''t stop crying - how am i supposed to be excited to spend the rest of my life with someone who clearly doesn''t care that much about things that are important to me. He says he cares about it, but actions speak much louder than words and all he''s shown me is that he isn''t capable of doing anything unless he is nagged to death about it. In the beginning i was really excited at the prospect of giving him an opportunity to plan this, but he''s let me down and the consequences are huge.

in my anger i told him that i didn''t care about the trip and wasn''t lifting another finger for it, and i mean it. airfare isn''t going down anytime soon and i am NOT willing to gamble that it will right before the wedding. i am devestated not only that the trip isn''t going to happen but moreso that FI has let me down so bad.

i am still so mad that i don''t want to see or talk to him. but after the fury wears off, what do i do? i''m not usually dramatic, but this seems to have some serious magnitude to it and i don''t see myself just letting it go. what makes it worse is that this has been a reoccurring theme. stupid boys

 

[ladyciel]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I've had the same prob w/ FI. There have repeatedly been times when I was so stressed between school and the wedding planning that he asked over and over what he could help with. I said he could call officiants and deal w/ the honeymoon. He never did either. I eventually found us an officiant. He didn't TOUCH honeymoon planning until I got him a pile of guidebooks at the library. He only read them because he was stuck at home all day and couldn't leave the chair where he could see out front (our doorbell is broken, can't hear a knock from inside our apt, and he was expecting a UPS delivery needing a sig). Even then, no progress was made from his help. It hasn't cost us our trip as of yet, but I can totally relate to the situation of FI who's all promises and no action. He just doesn't seem to feel any urgency or something. Argh

ETA: Aaaaaaaand he just read that over my shoulder and is mad at me. Sigh.

 

[Gypsy]

Oh sweetie. John has had MONTHS to a) open up a word document b) copy and paste in 25 addresses from 4 different emails. Has he done it. Nope.

They seem to have this... "there's plenty of time, it'll get done" philosophy. I just gave up on save the dates.

The honeymoon is a very important thing. VERY VERY IMPORTANT. And it is NOT okay that he didn't respect you enough to consider your feelings and intuition. And that is a big problem.

But if my fiance is any indication he doesn't SEE it as dis-respect. Doesn't see the big picture problem. For John, it's about the save the dates. For me, its an disrespectful that I've planned this whole freaking circus that HE wanted (I wanted to elope remember) and he can't do a 10 minute cut and paste job.

I'm betting yours isn't seeing the big picture either. Point it out to him, and make him understand. You are not wrong. You might be hysterical, but that does't make you wrong.

Don't even get me started on the fact that he's supposed to be handling the legalities of his uncle marrying us, and the marriage license itself. I know darned well I'm gonna get stuck doing it. I'm gonna take it out of his hide though, when it comes to that.

 

[sunnygirl]

Mimzy,

I am so sorry - that really sucks! Guys can seriously be so dense sometimes. I swear, my FI hasn''t done anything I have asked. I just gave up! Actually he glued together the two parts of the save the dates because I basically forced him to while I did the envelope addressing. I realized that if it is something important that needs to be done, I just have to do it myself. (Including planning and booking the whole honeymoon!) So you are definitely not alone. I don''t think it is out of disrepect for us (well, I hope so anyway). I think it is more like you all said - they just dont seem to realize that there isn''t a TON of time to do everything. Wedding planning is strange - i remember looking into a day-of-coordinator in Santa Barbara who was supposed to be really great and reasonably priced. I emailed her over a year before our wedding and she was already booked. Guys just don''t seem to understand the reality of weddings sometimes - and neither do other people who haven''t planned one (including my mom!)

 

[isaku5]

I hear you loud and clear!! Since it would be a second wedding our DD wanted to do destination-type. Her DF insisted 300 guests and the whole shebang. She said, " There''s no time (3 months)". He replied, " Write down everything that has to be done, cut the paper into four pieces and my 2 sisters and I will do 3/4 of everything".

Did that happen???? Not in a million years. She did most of it and he went along.

Lucky for both of them, she''s uber-organized!

Words of wisdom coming from an old married lady: If you want it done right, do it yourself.

That includes *almost* everything.

Is there some sort of way you could still have your deam honeymoon? Savings? Piggy Bank? Does he own something that could be sold for $*

 

[musey]

Oh goodness, what a mess

I am so sorry mimzy! I really understand your feelings on this.

Is there anything we can do to help? We may be able to help you find a way to still make the trip within budget.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/29/2008 8:27:58 PM
Author: musey
Oh goodness, what a mess

I am so sorry mimzy! I really understand your feelings on this.


Is there anything we can do to help? We may be able to help you find a way to still make the trip within budget.

Ditto, this sucks.

How can we help?

 

[mimzy]

ladies thank you for all your support and understanding! and it's somewhat of a consolation to know that i'm not alone...

i just don't have a good feeling about this because i dont' want to spend my whole life nagging someone so that they don't blatantly disregard everything i say or ask of them or deem important. i don't want to start my married life feeling like a single mom to an overgrown baby. i want a partner, not someone i have to drag along.

musey and sarah, thanks SO MUCH for the offer and i'll definitely bring it up if it comes to that...but i'm pretty firm on the whole not doing a d*mn thing for the honeymoon anymore thing.....which will be hard because i'm definitely not wanting to sit on the sidelines. besides, i spent MONTHS working on this (i could name every hotel and resort and give you their pricing details) and there's no way that we could get as nice of a hotel room for the same price (and still be able to do the adventure trips which are really important to us) - it was almost a fluke that the place was priced the way it was. if he wants to take me on a honeymoon then he's going to have to man up. and if he can't bring himself to do it then he'll only look like an idiot to everyone else (because he's already an idiot in my eyes at the moment

)

 

[October2008bride]

Oh Mimzy - that really stinks!!!! I can totally understand how frustrated you must feel!!

I''m not sure if you are looking for advice, but I definitely had a similar situation. I busted my butt doing alll this research for our honeymoon, and when I asked him to do a few things, he totally dropped the ball. I was so upset.

However, what it ended up being about was that the honeymoon was supposed to be HIS job. His one thing. And me, the eternal researcher and organizer and planner, I couldn''t just ''let go''. Even though it was his job, I just couldn''t let go. And that is why he didn''t want to get involved. I think he felt like it was his job and I couldn''t just let him do it, so he put his hands up kind of saying ''fine - if you want to do it, i''m out''.

Soo...what I''m saying is that if this is his job, maybe you should just let him do it! Give him your parameters and tell him how important it is to you, and trust that he will plan a beautiful honeymoon that will make you so happy!!! Just explain that you are planning the wedding, the honeymoon is his, and he''d better put as much effort into it as you have into the wedding!

Anyways - just an idea!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 4/29/2008 9:41:08 PM
Author: mimzy
i want a partner, not someone i have to drag along.

Honey - I''m so sorry you''re going through this, but this sentence really says it all. You don''t just WANT this, you DESERVE it. Now, this might be an example of men''s inability to plan anything wedding-related (as many on this board have experienced), but what''s important is that it has made you feel this way.

I can''t imagine that FI gets how serious this feels to you. I think you need to wait until you''ve had a little time to calm down, then sit down and say to him what you''ve said to us here - that this feels disrespectful, and that you need him to be a partner, not someone who has to be dragged along in life, and that if that can''t happen, you have serious doubts about whether he is the right person for you to spend the rest of your life with.

I hope that you and your FI can talk this through in a calm and respectful manner and that he can be made to understand how important this feels to you and how important it is that he respect your feelings.

 

[Sabine]

Oh Mimzy, that really stinks! My FI has done similar things that have ended up in us losing money that we didn''t have to lose, and I think the money issue makes it so much worse! I think, as shown by the amount of responses of people whose FIs have done similar things, that it might just be a guy thing to not get things done on our timeline or to our standards, but I do think they need to make up for it when they drop the ball.

If it was me, I would tell your FI that you refuse to even go unless he finds a way to make the extra $800 (sell something of his, pick up an extra shift, cut grass for goodness sake) and gets the plan settled within a reasonable period of time. Show him that you are seriously hurt, but also clearly communicate to him what he needs to do to fix it.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that is horrible. He let you down so completely I can''t even believe it. Not to mention that he''s not even particularly remorseful. I''m so sorry. I can''t even imagine how disappointed you are right now. If I were you, I would tell him he better come up with $800 real quick and book your honeymoon, or he might not have a need for a honeymoon.

I so completely understand your feelings regarding the big picture. (Not that the honeymoon isn''t important, but you know what I''m saying.) My fiance is notorious for procrastination. His own mother bought him a book about procrastination, although she admits he came by it honestly because she''s the same way.

I have to say, it''s probably the one and only trait he has that drives me absolutely insane/fills me with rage on occasion. Sometimes I think the same thing you do-I don''t want to have to nag him to death or drag him along, I just want him to DO SOMETHING! I guess I don''t have any words of wisdom to impart, but I can completely, 100% empathize. Please keep us posted on what happens.

 

[neatfreak]

Mimzy, I think you need to think long and hard about what your post implies. You implied that you are unsure about MARRYING THIS MAN because of how he has made you feel this time. I suspect that this isn't the first time he has let you down this way?

I think this is a really important thing for you to work on together BEFORE you get married to make sure that you won't end up divorced in a few years because you realized you were his mom rather than his partner. I have a very good friend that is getting married this summer that is in a very similar relationship, and honestly in her situation, I don't know that he will ever change. And she thinks he will. It is setting them up for disaster, but she refuses to deal with it appropriately, so all I can do now is sit back and hope there is no train wreck.

Anyway, we'll be thinking about you and we are all here to talk if you need to vent some more!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/29/2008 10:40:29 PM
Author: neatfreak
Mimzy, I think you need to think long and hard about what your post implies. You implied that you are unsure about MARRYING THIS MAN because of how he has made you feel this time. I suspect that this isn''t the first time he has let you down this way?


I think this is a really important thing for you to work on together BEFORE you get married to make sure that you won''t end up divorced in a few years because you realized you were his mom rather than his partner. I have a very good friend that is getting married this summer that is in a very similar relationship, and honestly in her situation, I don''t know that he will ever change. And she thinks he will. It is setting them up for disaster, but she refuses to deal with it appropriately, so all I can do now is sit back and hope there is no train wreck.


Anyway, we''ll be thinking about you and we are all here to talk if you need to vent some more!

I am concerned about this also.

 

[CJ2008]

mimzy, I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. And I could totally understand why you're furious, and hurt, and feel let down.

I think it's a common complaint women have about men. We are usually so incredibly organized and capable of managing multiple projects all at once that we are the ones that make most things happen. So, when we finally get a project to the point of "approval" by them or to the point where we need 10 minutes of their time, it is incredibly frustrating and baffling that they can drop the ball on it.

I think some of this is our fault. We do, do, do, do because in reality, we want more than they do, and because we want things a certain way. And I think for the most part they don't really fully understand just how much time it all takes, and so they somewhat take it for granted that we'll handle everything.

This isn't making excuses for him at all. I am a total 50/50 believer and my FI is great with being involved and helping. But do I think I usually do more, handle more, make things happen more?...yeah, absolutely.

That said, I really like what Sabine suggested, because it's action-oriented. Instead of being angry with him, it's asking him to behave like an adult, and step up to the plate. Explain to him that you're hurt, and annoyed, feel that he is taking your incredible time and effort for granted, and that he needs to make up for that.

 

[mimzy]

girls thank you so so so much for your support. what would i do with out this board?

neatfreak - you are very right. this isn't the first time he's let me down like this and it definitely needs to be addressed before the wedding.....as in like, right now. and it's been brought up before - it is a definite real issue for me that i'm not scared of facing in a real way. there's no way that i could walk down the aisle right now with the hesitation that i have about this. and yeah, it's not just about the honeymoon....it's about the bigger implications stemming from it.

sabine - thanks for the suggestion. he's an engineer, so we could afford the extra 800 in theory, but he's not about to add more to the budget out of principle. he might need to adjust that mindset though....belize was really special and not going to be easily replaced and it is definitely on him now to make it up to me.


we are going to talk later tonite when he comes over and i'll let him know everything about how i'm feeling. i'm hoping that his initial response to my anger earlier was just momentary defensiveness and that he'll be more open to talking it out. i certainly love him enough to go to great lengths to work this out, but i need him to do the same.

he'll be here in just a little while. hopefully i'll be able to collect myself enough to articulate what i'm needing to say.

thanks again girls <3

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/29/2008 10:58:17 PM
Author: mimzy
girls thank you so so so much for your support. what would i do with out this board?


neatfreak - you are very right. this isn''t the first time he''s let me down like this and it definitely needs to be addressed before the wedding.....as in like, right now. and it''s been brought up before - it is a definite real issue for me that i''m not scared of facing in a real way. there''s no way that i could walk down the aisle right now with the hesitation that i have about this. and yeah, it''s not just about the honeymoon....it''s about the bigger implications stemming from it.


we are going to talk later tonite when he comes over and i''ll let him know everything about how i''m feeling. i''m hoping that his initial response to my anger earlier was just momentary defensiveness and that he''ll be more open to talking it out. i certainly love him enough to go to great lengths to work this out, but i need him to do the same.


he''ll be here in just a little while. hopefully i''ll be able to collect myself enough to articulate what i''m needing to say.


thanks again girls <3

<3 I hope the talk goes well, I think that sounds like a good plan. Just let him know how you''re feeling without attacking him in the process. We don''t want him getting all defensive again. Silly guys!

Anyway, night Mimzy I am going to go try to get some studying done. ((Hugs))

 

[neatfreak]

Good for you Mimzy! As someone who is on the outside of a similar situation, I am just waiting for a train wreck because my friend refuses to deal with it maturely like you are. I think it is certainly something that you guys can overcome if he is willing to work with you on communicating about it more effectively, but it is important to know before getting married whether he is willing or not.

If you have access to a premarital counselor this might be a great low-stress way to talk about communication styles, and your relationship pre-wedding.

GOOD LUCK TONIGHT!

 

[Gypsy]

Yeah. Reading your second post... I'm concerned too.

John has been flaking on this stuff. BUT HONESTLY I have been expecting him to read my mind thing a bit about the wedding stuff. I haven't made my displeasure known about the addresses AND my mom didn't get me HER list till this week, so he didn't feel rushed. And then I complain on here about him not reading my mind because I'm frustrated cause the STD's are staring at me accusingly, when it's not really fair to acuse him of disrespecting me, when he doesn't KNOW I feel that way, and I KNOW he genuinely doesn't see it as disrespectful. And I'm honest enough (eventually

) to admit I have some blame.

BUT he never lets me down when he KNOWS its important. And I know that if, tonight, I let him know how important this was to me, and that I viewed it as disrespectful, he would apologize and have the files done by whatever deadline we mutually agreed to. And, to be fair, with the legalities crap, I'm enough of a control freak that I almost HAVE to do it myself, and I suck at delegating things. SO... to repeat myself, he never really lets me down-- not when I've made my feelings clear and he can avoid it (it's something in his control). And I don't feel like I'm a parent to his child. Although I do feel like I'm trying to herd cats at times.

If that's not the case with your FI... you may need to re-evaluate things. If I was hysterical crying, John would be holding me... even if he caused it, even if I was yelling at him. And he would be calming me down, trying to find out what was wrong, and IF he REALLY was wrong and at fault (cause I'm not always fair or rational, honestly), and then he would do what it took to make things right once we talked things through. I have that faith him. It gets us through things.

If you don't have that honey. You deserve it.

ETA: I just told John how I feel about the addresses. He agreed it's disrespectful and we decided he would do them by Sunday. He promised me he would. And he has never broken a promise to me. NINE years ago he promised me he would never hang up the phone on me first (long story), and you know what? In nine years, it's happened once. Because his cell dropped the call, and he called me IMMEDIATELY back apologizing profusely. I'm serious.

It's not the grand gestures that make a relationship work. It's the daily confidence, faith and trust you build and maintain, and are mindful of to nurture. And you can't do it by yourself.

 

[isaku5]

Date: 4/29/2008 10:40:29 PM
Author: neatfreak
Mimzy, I think you need to think long and hard about what your post implies. You implied that you are unsure about MARRYING THIS MAN because of how he has made you feel this time. I suspect that this isn''t the first time he has let you down this way?

I think this is a really important thing for you to work on together BEFORE you get married to make sure that you won''t end up divorced in a few years because you realized you were his mom rather than his partner. I have a very good friend that is getting married this summer that is in a very similar relationship, and honestly in her situation, I don''t know that he will ever change. And she thinks he will. It is setting them up for disaster, but she refuses to deal with it appropriately, so all I can do now is sit back and hope there is no train wreck.

Anyway, we''ll be thinking about you and we are all here to talk if you need to vent some more!

ITA

 

[rockzilla]

This totally sucks - please let us know how it goes.

Also, airfares often drop on Wednesdays- so definitely check again tomorrow just in case!

 

[princesss]

I asked my boyfriend to look over this and try to give me an guy''s perspective (I hope you don''t mind). I was having trouble thinking through your situation and wanted somebody to bounce ideas off of.

And what happened was he said that he doesn''t get it (your FI, that is). Because even when BF makes me so mad I cry, he fixes it right away. Even though, as he put it, sometimes he thinks that I''m crying over nothing and it seems really stupid. And, also according to him, getting nagged is annoying enough that it shouldn''t take two weeks to get something done.

This is definitely something that could provide a lot of problems later, especially his unrepentant attitude. I''d talk to him when you calm down about exactly what bothers you about this. Make a list or write down a speech and just read it if you need to. But this needs to be addressed. I can say I wouldn''t keep dating a guy that did that to me consistently, but I don''t know what I''d do if we were planning a wedding. All I do know is that if you decide that you can''t deal with this and he isn''t going to change, your sanity is more important that whatever deposits you put down.

 

[Harleigh]

Oh Mimzy, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I truly hope your talk goes well with him and you get things worked out. Please come back and let us know how it went.

{HUGs!!!}

 

[lliang_chi]

Mimzy, I hope your discussion goes well tonight. I feel bad for you. But maybe there will be some way that it''ll all work out. It''s good that you''re hashing out this issue now, I really hope things get worked out for you two.

 

[luckystar112]

Glad you''re talking to him, Mimzy!

Don''t worry, my FI is a pain too. I''m sure that if we weren''t having a DW he never would have even thought about researching a honeymoon. To be honest, I don''t think that most guys even know that it''s their job. I know that''s not what you''re angry about, but I figured I''d put that out there.

My FI has to be prodded to do anything. It''s not that he doesn''t want to, it''s that he doesn''t "get it" I guess. I''d hate to see the type of wedding we''d have if he ran the show. lo.

I''m sure you guys will have a good conversation, and I hope you''ll update us when afterwards.

 

[sunnygirl]

good luck with the convo tonight mimzy! Please let us know how it goes - we are thinking of you!

 

[diamondfan]

Often when I need hubby to do something he deems not needing to be done now, he just puts it off. If I say I need it now, or soon, he says I am manufacturing an artificial time line and that he will get to when he can. OOOHHHH that irks me. We argued about how long in advance a save the date needs to be mailed for a kids bar mitzvah so I am just getting them done myself. If some of his friends get missed, so be it. Of course you cannot do that with regard to your honeymoon, but....you almost just want to say, okay, we have no honeymoon and it is because you dropped the ball...but they might just shrug and think we are being hyper about it.

 

[bee*]

Oh mimzy-I''m so sorry to hear what happened and I can totally understand how upset you are. I hope that your chat goes well and I applaud you for tackling it now rather than letting it build up. Sending hugs.

 

[sumbride]

I just got off the phone with my DH''s medical savings account people. There was a letter on the coffee table that he''d been ignoring because they needed him to send in a receipt to get the rest of his money from last year. HIS MONEY. Sure, it wasn''t a lot, but $22 can buy us dinner at half-price burger night. He was never going to call. So I called. I now know what I have to do to get the check, and I''m not letting him handle that account anymore.

Sometimes you just have to figure out where your strengths are. While it may make sense to you, asking him to do something that''s outside of his strengths may very well be setting him up for failure and you for disappointment. I''m not belittling the emotional aspects of this. I know it hurts, and you do deserve a partner, but partnerships aren''t always 50-50. Strengths are crucial for success... ask if there is something he is interested in and assign him that. Don''t just go off what he is "supposed" to do. They don''t read those books. They don''t know what the traditional duties are.

I know you are frustrated, and you do need to have a serious discussion about how his actions (or inactions) made you feel, but it is important to realize that you are different people with different thoughts, different timelines, different priorities and interests. It drives me crazy that my DH can spend 3 hours working on neighborhood issues but can''t remember that he needs to call the insurance company or find a contractor for the project we''re working on. It doesn''t mean he''s a bad person, just that we''re not communicating properly on it.

 

[mimzy]

thank you all soo much for the hugs and good lucks!

just a quick note before i tell how the talk went - before when i was crying he was still at work and when i spoke to him (on the phone) i had sucked it up and was just angry (when he didn't seem all that sorry). so i don't want anyone thinking that he was sitting right next to me as a bawled my eyes out and did nothing to try to help! sorry if that was confused!

when i called him to come over (because i had previously said i didn't want to see him) he could tell in my voice that it was serious and he was like "is it bad?" (?!?!) and i just said "we'll see" or something, and he seemed surprised but definitely got the message that this wasn't just going to blow over. we first talked about the honeymoon to which he admitted that he messed up and that he didn't take me seriously about the airfare spike and that he should have and that he was really sorry about it. which led into the deeper issue of me feeling that he doesn't listen/care about things that are important to me.

that talk was somewhat harder. he insisted that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with how he is just a procrastinator (which is totally true; puts off EVERYTHING). i told him that i understood that but that it wasn't an excuse, which he agreed. i did bring up the fact that i was so serious about this and that it bothered me enough to admit that it was giving me enough hesitation to wonder if in 15 years i was going to get so fed up with this that i would leave. that seemed to really shake him and caused a tangent that really just led us back to the original point so i'll skip it. he said that he was worried that he wouldn't ever really change and i told him that i wasn't looking for a total overhaul (i don't care if it is going to take him an extra day to do the dishes because it usually takes me an extra two days) but that i needed to see that he was trying when it came to stuff that was important to me and to trust me more when i say something is important. he agreed and we decided that together we'd keep a list for him to keep on him about stuff that needs to get done (both personal and for the wedding). i have absolutely no problem helping him out with this, and i think it's a good solution (he's done well with lists in the past). so we'll see how that goes.

I realized through this that it was really stupid and selfish of me to cast doubt on the whole relationship over this (the deeper issue, no just the HM). if we were already married it's not like divorce would have crossed my mind - the only choice would be to work through it, period. and i know that if that was the case we would have and it would be fine. some relationships don't require any work but ours isn't always one of them, but we still choose each other and that's all that matters in the end. and i am understanding that there is a learning curve - he's never lived on his own and hasn't really ever had a whole lot of responsibility (which he knows is going to change). and this isn't an excuse, it's just a reality. we're going to work at this together (because i do the same thing with more minor things that HE thinks are important like dr.s appts, etc

).

after some tears and hugs we ended the night totally fine and happy with each other, laughing and teasing before bed. i almost regretted saying some of the things i did about maybe not being right for each other, because it caused him so much anxiety about us, but in retrospect i knew i had to because 1)i needed to be honest about what i was feeling at the time and 2) i needed him to know how serious it was. in the end i know that i will most likely take the lead in a lot of things and sumbride you're right, i'm not interested in setting him up for failure. so we are just going to do what we need to do

thanks again so so much for all the support and well wishes. it definitely helped!