Frustrating situation (Non LIW related)

[lilylover]

Hi, girls. I don''t know who else to talk to this about, so here I am.

Last night my boyfriend had a night out with a guy friend while I was working. I knew they were going to a movie, but I didn''t know what theatre or what time. I was wanting to know what time I could call him, so I shamefully admit that I logged into his online bank statement to see where he bought his ticket so that I could look up what time the movie they were seeing was playing that theatre. I know I should not have done this as it is invading his privacy. Serves me right I guess, because I found some alarming information.

I found out that they also went to this place called Twin Peaks, which is like a raunchy version of Hooters. He knows that I would not like him going there at ALL. However, if he were to call me and ask if it was okay if they went, I would have said it was fine.

To wrap things up, this morning I asked him what him and his friend did last night. He told me that they went to the movie and that was it. I asked if they did anything else. He said nope.

SOOO now I know that he is lying to my face. The fact that he went to Twin Peaks isn''t a big deal, but the fact that he is lying to me about it is! I know he isn''t telling me about it because he knows I would be upset, but It makes me wonder what else he lies about.

I''m faced with this problem now, becaue I am upset but I cannot tell him why. I know he''d be really mad if he knew that I logged into his account. Argh. I feel so stupid for putting myself in this situation.

Advice, anyone?

Thank you so much!

 

[nail_polish]

I have been in similar situations because regrettably, sometimes my worries get the best of me and curiosity takes over and I overstep my boundaries. Usually, what you find is not good...

I have come to learn that the best way to handle it is to be honest. Yes, he may be upset that you sneaked a peak at his bank account, but it will be worse if you keep it from him. For a few reasons:

a) now, you''re lying
b) if it comes out later it will be a situation of why YOU kept things from HIM
c) it will brood inside of you
d) as a result of c) you''ll most likely treat him differently
e) as a result of d) you''ll most likely have fights/etc...

I always believe in being open and honest and having continuous communication...

I think it is best that you tell him.

My biggest worry would be - if he lied about this what else is he lying about?

Good luck...

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Date: 2/21/2009 2:50:45 PM
Author: nail_polish

I have been in similar situations because regrettably, sometimes my worries get the best of me and curiosity takes over and I overstep my boundaries. Usually, what you find is not good...

I have come to learn that the best way to handle it is to be honest. Yes, he may be upset that you sneaked a peak at his bank account, but it will be worse if you keep it from him. For a few reasons:

a) now, you''re lying
b) if it comes out later it will be a situation of why YOU kept things from HIM
c) it will brood inside of you
d) as a result of c) you''ll most likely treat him differently
e) as a result of d) you''ll most likely have fights/etc...

I always believe in being open and honest and having continuous communication...

I think it is best that you tell him.

My biggest worry would be - if he lied about this what else is he lying about?

Good luck...

Good advice nail_polish, just what I was thinking.

 

[ckrickett]

Nail_Polish has some good advice. But this is so seriously stickly slope. if it was a place like Hooters (I''m not familiar with Twin Peaks) is it innocent that they went there? I mean YEAH it is kinda sleazy, but I mean it''s NOT a strip club, and he was with a GUY friend. Maybe he didn''t tell you because it wasn''t a big deal to him and he didn''t want to get in an argument over it. And for you to tell him you know means he will find out you snooped into his bank account. Yes you shouldn''t have but your intentions were innocent (but HE might not think that), but that might open a can of worms that might blow up into something huge. Is it really a huge deal he went, if it is then bring it up, if not just let it go.

Somethings aren''t worth really bringing up.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Date: 2/21/2009 4:19:38 PM
Author: ckrickett
Nail_Polish has some good advice. But this is so seriously stickly slope. if it was a place like Hooters (I'm not familiar with Twin Peaks) is it innocent that they went there? I mean YEAH it is kinda sleazy, but I mean it's NOT a strip club, and he was with a GUY friend. Maybe he didn't tell you because it wasn't a big deal to him and he didn't want to get in an argument over it. And for you to tell him you know means he will find out you snooped into his bank account. Yes you shouldn't have but your intentions were innocent (but HE might not think that), but that might open a can of worms that might blow up into something huge. Is it really a huge deal he went, if it is then bring it up, if not just let it go.


Somethings aren't worth really bringing up.

I agree with ckrickett it isnt a strip club. If youre against him going there because you feel its degrading to women you cant instill that opinion on him - hes his own person. If youre against him going there because you dont want him looking at other women thats not somethign that can be controlled based off situation or location, he can look at women with big breasts walking down the street and not tell just like he went to twin peaks and didnt tell you, except you wouldnt be able to find out about the street look from his bank account.

I know theres two kinds of girlfriends, girls who dont care about their men going to strip clubs/hooters and girls who are against it 100%. Regardless, both types of girls get cheated on, theres no discrimination. Its not based on your personal opinion of such behavior but on the morals and values of said boyfriend. If you trust your SO to be loyal to you, physically and emotionally, why do you dislike him going to sleezy chain restaurants?

 

[laughwithme]

I think this topic could start a whole different string of threads re. strip clubs, etc. I am also not familiar with Twin Peaks but one thing I''m wondering is, how much worse than Hooters is it? B has said time and time again that he does NOT even find Hooters girls attractive - no offense to any Hooters girls here, btw - but at the one in my city, I have to agree, they are not attractive. So when he goes there with family/friends without me, it''s the same as saying he''s at any other restaurant. If they wear lingerie at Twin Peaks, or show a ton of skin, I would be a little ticked too. Like a PP said, if he can''t be honest about where he''s eating dinner, is there something else he''s hiding?

I think it''s important to pick your battles. If you feel like you can''t let this go, you need to come right out and get it behind you guys. Understand that he will be angry that you got on his bank account, and don''t defend yourself. Tell him straight up why you were there on the first place and be prepared for him to possibly change his passwords, etc. If you feel like you CAN let this go, then I wouldn''t say anything - it is going to start a slew of disagreements and trust issues that maybe aren''t warranted if you feel like it''s an otherwise healthy relationship.

 

[smiles]

I agree with Nail Polish 100%. We have all done things which we regret, mostly (hopefully) with innocent intentions but if you are not honest with him how can you be upset with him for not being honest with you. You both don''t want to tell the other because you know it will upset them. Sometimes these things happen and i agree with Crickett (I think it was her) who it was likely a spur of the moment thing and because it was no big deal and he knew it would upset you he felt it was better not to bring it up... not to seem sketchy but I feel like many guys will do anything do avoid an argument.

I know when I have had doubts about anything I usually can''t sleep and brood all night about what to do and end up waking up the BF at 6 am because I can''t hold it in anymore. (Also human nature is often to assume the worst) Avoid all this for yourself, I have certainly learned my lesson, honesty is always the best policy.

As a side note, does he know you have his online banking password? If he knows and gave it to you then he cannot really be mad at you for thinking of that as a way of obtaining his movie time.

 

[swingirl]

He lied to you about where he went and you lied to him about already knowing.

It would have gone better if you admitted to looking up his credit card info and telling him you were surprised to see where they went and wondered if he had fun. THAT would have been playing fair. But you didn''t tell him that because you thought he''d be angry with the snooping. And he didn''t tell you where he went because he thought you''d be angry with his choice of entertainment.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Please don''t take this the wrong way because I''m not saying it to be a biotch...

I don''t believe that you checked his bank account so that you''d know when to call him. I think you checked it because you didn''t believe that he went to a movie, or maybe even that he was with a guy friend. Am I right?

Honey, your gut instincts are telling you that he hasn''t been honest with you, and apparently they''re correct. Our gut instincts are usually correct, and perhaps we should listen to them more often. The problem is that now you''ve put yourself into a situation where you are also lying. Not good. There''s nothing wrong with going to a Hooter''s place, or even a strip club. Its the lying about it that is a red flag.

I strongly suggest you do one of two things. Either you come clean with him and ask why he lied, or you suck it up and say nothing. Either way, you''ve got a bigger problem on your hands. It sounds like he''s given you reason to doubt him, and you''re now suspicious of his actions when you are not around. Before you say "yes" or "I do", you''d better get this stuff straightened out. I strongly suggest you two have a serious talk before taking any further steps in the relationship. It''s better to be a heartbroken ex-girlfriend than a heartbroken ex-wife, if that''s the route this is going to take. It doesn''t HAVE to be the route though, not if you get it straightened out now.

 

[purselover]

Date: 2/22/2009 5:03:50 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Please don''t take this the wrong way because I''m not saying it to be a biotch...


I don''t believe that you checked his bank account so that you''d know when to call him. I think you checked it because you didn''t believe that he went to a movie, or maybe even that he was with a guy friend. Am I right?


Honey, your gut instincts are telling you that he hasn''t been honest with you, and apparently they''re correct. Our gut instincts are usually correct, and perhaps we should listen to them more often. The problem is that now you''ve put yourself into a situation where you are also lying. Not good. There''s nothing wrong with going to a Hooter''s place, or even a strip club. Its the lying about it that is a red flag.


I strongly suggest you do one of two things. Either you come clean with him and ask why he lied, or you suck it up and say nothing. Either way, you''ve got a bigger problem on your hands. It sounds like he''s given you reason to doubt him, and you''re now suspicious of his actions when you are not around. Before you say ''yes'' or ''I do'', you''d better get this stuff straightened out. I strongly suggest you two have a serious talk before taking any further steps in the relationship. It''s better to be a heartbroken ex-girlfriend than a heartbroken ex-wife, if that''s the route this is going to take. It doesn''t HAVE to be the route though, not if you get it straightened out now.

I''m glad someone else was thinking what I was, why would you need to look up his movie time, I would''ve just taken and chance and called and either talked to him, or left a message saying call me when the movies over. It sounds like you were just checking up on him. I would fess up admit you know it''s wrong and have a serious discussion about lying. Right now you''re sneaking around too just like you suspect he is, and 2 wrongs do not make a right.

 

[tlh]

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practise to deceive!" Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.

Winks says EXACTLY what I was thinking.

Here's the deal. I get it that we all put a "nice front" on things that we do... when we know that they are wrong. YOU ARE BOTH LYING TO EACH OTHER. I think your lie is bigger than his because you DELIBERATELY went into his account and SPIED on him... when you know this would upset him. Your reasons to check a movie... just don't add up, when you could have just picked up the phone and called or text messaged and been like... when will you be home?

Very possibly his buddy could have just been like, dude, I'm hungry let's get a bite. So he did. Nothing sinister. Figured, you HATE the place, didn't want an argument, so he said they just went to a movie. A little white lie. Your sneaking into his account is a BIGGER violation of his trust, by him giving you that information...and you using it in a way it wasn't intended.

Darlin, I WOULD NOT bring it up... but that said, you are the bigger violater here. If you brought that up to me, and I was your SO, I would spitfire venom at you. I am VERY VERY skilled at making the other person seem like the bigger jerk. I am just playing devil's advocate here... I can say, I was in a relationship where I didn't trust the dude... and I had reason to not trust him. I took pride in the fact that I never violated his privacy. Well one night, I get a call from a person who tells me they found his cell phone on the street during Mardis Gras and I was the last number who called. They called me, I drove the half hour to get it from the person. I opened pandoras box. I had doubt. What I found - I couldn't ignore and couldn't. The dude was cheating on me. I returned the phone to him, after receiving several innappropriate calls from some lady friends. He of course came up with excuses and yelled at me for violating his trust. I told him to go Eff himself as I just drove outta my way to pick up his $400 iphone. I totally won the argument... but I lost the battle. I ended up dating the POS for another 4 months because he had me convinced I was just paranoid and reading into things. NOPE I was right. My BFF told me about it, and I dumped him. Case closed. I would have been much happier had I just left the loser. But that is MY sitch, not yours. I am just curious why you felt the need to violate his trust, for something as simple as a movie time. Honestly seems like a pretty flimsy excuse.

Anywho, I am not crucifing ya. I've been there and done that. I now have every password in the world for my DHs info, and he has the same of mine. That said, I never go into any of his info, and it is stuff we share. Why? Because I can just ask him about it. I don't need the info for one, and two, even though I have his email passwords, I dont care if he gets boobie pics emailed to him. Heck, I get boobie pics emailed to me. Truth is... trust is very very important. Once it has been broken it sometimes can NEVER be repaired.

HUGS to you!!! I understand this is a tough situation... and I'd just refer to winks for the advice. Sorry you are in such a pickle!!!

 

[fieryred33143]

It''s actually really simple.

He knows you get upset about him going to a place to eat that has women dressed in certain clothing. So he lied.

End of story.

To prevent this from happening in the future, in the words of Mr. fiery "Stop trippin''"

The truth is that this isn''t a strip club. It''s a place for cheap beer and disgusting chicken wings. If every time he goes to these places you get upset, he will *always* lie to you about going...always.

 

[sammyj]

Winks, purselover, and tlh summed it up for me. The ''strip club'' part of this story is much less of an issue than the lying. If your BF is going to lie to you about going to a restaurant with big-breasted women just because he knows you''re not going to like it, and you accept that, then who''s to say what else he''ll lie to you about? I mean, there are manymanymanymany things in this world that you wouldn''t like to hear about, and lying to you is absolutely NOT the acceptable way to deal with it.

If I were in your situation I would come clean. Like nail_polish noted, it would eat away at me if I had to constantly question my bf''s whereabouts and whether or not he was telling me the truth and it would ultimately affect our relationship. It would also start this downward spiral of snooping through every little thing just to get information rather than asking him directly (although I am an avid non-snooper). Get it off your chest and determine whether or not there is a solid, established level of trust in your relationship.

 

[CNOS128]

Wow, you have excellent detective skills. I never would have thought to check someone''s bank account to find out his location. That said, it is kind of unconscionable.

If I were in your situation, I would not tell him that I''d broken into his online bank account, because my fiance sees this sort of misstep as far worse than concealing the truth. However, your boyfriend may not mind if you check his banks statements (although it seems from your dilemma that he must).

If the issue here is your (in)ability to trust each other, than that''s something that might require a lot of work to sort out.
But if the issue is simply that you don''t like him visiting PG-13 restaurants, can''t you just talk to him about this without bringing up the fact that you invaded his privacy?
You don''t have to do it now, but wait a few days or weeks and sit down and talk to him about it in the abstract -- about the fact that it makes you uncomfortable/angry/disgusted/whatever that he sometimes visits such places. You''re entitled to tell him that you''d rather he didn''t patronize these establishments (although I wouldn''t advise telling him he can''t go to them).

He likely didn''t want to face the unpleasant conversation he knew would result from disclosing the truth. That''s understandable (although I think you''re justified in wanting him to be honest with you) - people tend to try to avoid unpleasant situation (this doesn''t mean he''s lying to you about other things). I also understand that "What else is he not telling me" feeling. But what if you tell him you checked his bank account? Will he wonder "What other private areas of my life is lilylover looking into?"

 

[lilylover]

Whew, thanks for everyone''s advice and honesty. I thought about what each and every one of you said.

I''ve chosen not to say anything to him, and realize that I am the one with the problem! I really did look at his bank accound to find the time, but the truth is I am just plain nosey. Like, really bad. I don''t mean anything by it. I''m not trying to find something incriminating, or looking because I am suspicious of a persons actions. I really do trust that he just didn''t mention it because he didn''t want to upset me and didn''t think it was a big deal. To be honest, now that I''ve calmed down, I am not even 100 percent sure that he went there on THAT night. I use the same bank and often the dates don''t match up with the transactions.

I''ve vowed never to cross that line with his privacy again. Not only because it''s wrong, but because I wouldn''t want him doing it to me either.

Thank you again for everyone''s input.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 2/21/2009 4:19:38 PM
Author: ckrickett
Nail_Polish has some good advice. But this is so seriously stickly slope. if it was a place like Hooters (I''m not familiar with Twin Peaks) is it innocent that they went there? I mean YEAH it is kinda sleazy, but I mean it''s NOT a strip club, and he was with a GUY friend. Maybe he didn''t tell you because it wasn''t a big deal to him and he didn''t want to get in an argument over it. And for you to tell him you know means he will find out you snooped into his bank account. Yes you shouldn''t have but your intentions were innocent (but HE might not think that), but that might open a can of worms that might blow up into something huge. Is it really a huge deal he went, if it is then bring it up, if not just let it go.


Somethings aren''t worth really bringing up.

thanks. that what i was thinking!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 2/24/2009 12:12:28 AM
Author: lilylover
Whew, thanks for everyone''s advice and honesty. I thought about what each and every one of you said.


I''ve chosen not to say anything to him, and realize that I am the one with the problem! I really did look at his bank accound to find the time, but the truth is I am just plain nosey. Like, really bad. I don''t mean anything by it. I''m not trying to find something incriminating, or looking because I am suspicious of a persons actions. I really do trust that he just didn''t mention it because he didn''t want to upset me and didn''t think it was a big deal. To be honest, now that I''ve calmed down, I am not even 100 percent sure that he went there on THAT night. I use the same bank and often the dates don''t match up with the transactions.


I''ve vowed never to cross that line with his privacy again. Not only because it''s wrong, but because I wouldn''t want him doing it to me either.


Thank you again for everyone''s input.

Lily - i am glad you came to this! i know it can be hard (i am a nosey person too) but its better this way!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First of all, a good rule of thumb is to never go going look for things you''d rather not find. Now, I know you said you were just "looking for a time"...but there are plenty of other ways you could go about finding the time...like, asking him directly.

I do not agree with snooping on a fundamental level. I think everyone has a right to privacy. I personally lead the type of life that could lay open like a book and not shock anyone...but I still like having the knowledge that I can keep things just for my own knowledge and not have to share them.

At this point, the damage is done...so I think you need to come clean with him. Air out the issue. It doesn''t sound like anyone in this situation is perfectly innocent. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to let him know honesty is key and that you''ll accept no subsitutes.