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Frustraded Lady in Waiting!!!!

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ktkakes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2006
Messages
86
hi all! i have been dating my boyfriend for 2yrs now .. living together one! we talk about marriage all the time but never a proposal! at some points i get very frustrated.. i mean i love him with all my heart and i look forward to spending my life with him.. i dont know when the big "E" will come..
Recently his younger sister has gotten engaged and althought i am extremely happy for her.. it eats me up inside i cant help but think .. when me ? when''s my turn?
I feel like for every holiday everyone is saying i think he is gonna give it to you for your b-day? or thanksgiving? or now xmas..before it was oh your going away he is gonna do it then.. it almost dissappoints me when it doesnt happen, i mean i dont expect it but when you have 10 people in your head saying oh its gonna happen soon .. it just happens that way.

I would love to talk to others in similar situations!


 

Mandarine

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2006
Messages
3,786
Hi Kate!


I''m glad you decided to start your own thread!...you''re definitely not alone!.

I replied to your other post in my thread below. So have you talked to him about your plans? I know you said he mentioned he just didn''t have the money right now....that''s ok, but does he have a "savings" plan or have you openly talked about what you BOTH want for the future (specific, what, when or how
)

Welcome again!


M~
 

akw94

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,937
Date: 11/27/2006 9:55:21 PM
Author:ktkakes
hi all! i have been dating my boyfriend for 2yrs now .. living together one! we talk about marriage all the time but never a proposal! at some points i get very frustrated.. i mean i love him with all my heart and i look forward to spending my life with him.. i dont know when the big ''E'' will come..
Recently his younger sister has gotten engaged and althought i am extremely happy for her.. it eats me up inside i cant help but think .. when me ? when''s my turn?
I feel like for every holiday everyone is saying i think he is gonna give it to you for your b-day? or thanksgiving? or now xmas..before it was oh your going away he is gonna do it then.. it almost dissappoints me when it doesnt happen, i mean i dont expect it but when you have 10 people in your head saying oh its gonna happen soon .. it just happens that way.

I would love to talk to others in similar situations!


Kate,
As Mandarine said, you are definitely not alone! I understand feeling kind-of disappointed when nothing happens on a holiday. You weren''t expecting it so it''s not complete disappointment but still, it can be a bit bothersome. I wonder if when asked what I want for the holidays, it would be too much to say "a proposal".
After all, if they''re asking shouldn''t we be allowed to answer truthfully??
Have you talked about rings or has he said when he''d like to get married?

Welcome to PS! You will certainly find many others who can relate, including me!
 

therighttime

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2006
Messages
224
Hi and Welcome! I can relate to a whole lot of how you are feeling. I have so many people telling me all the time, "oh I bet it will be your birthday, Christmas, etc..." It''s almost embarrassing to have to keep telling them no it didn''t happen! My dad has become a DIW (Dad in Waiting??) because he has been waiting since bf called him to ask his blessing in August. Every time I call him, he asks if I have any news!!

My bf''s youngers sister also got engaged recently so I''m right there with you on that one too!!!

You said that you talk about marriage. Next time you are talking about it, just go ahead and ask him if he has a timeframe in mind.

There are lots of great ladies here. I''m sure you can find some great advice.
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
Start dropping hints... that''s what I had to do
and now I''m a little closer. You never know where he''s at until you start hinting around about marriage, engagement, rings, etc... which inevitably turns into the "when is it happening/why hasn''t it happened yet?" conversation. It could be any number of things holding him back, that you''d never expect! I thought my guy was simply not ready, but once we had "the talk" (well, a FEW of "the talks") it turned out he would have proposed a year ago or more if he had had the money. I wanted to say that the ring doesn''t matter, but he knew better than I did that... it really does
--to me anyway! I''d rather wait a little longer and have the ring than get engaged sooner and have to deal with "ooh let me see your ring!!"--"oh, I don''t have one... yet..."

So now we''ve had the stone for over a month, but... no setting, and certainly no proposal. I wouldn''t put it past him to wait 4-6 months or more, even though he already has the stone!!! I''m starting to wonder if his lack of excitement over it is a red flag...?
It''s always "not a good time" or he''s "too busy to think about it." I''ll give it another month or so before I really start worrying!!

I felt like I''d already been waiting ages until I saw that most of the PS ladies in waiting have been waiting for 5, 6, even 10 YEARS!!! We''ve got only just shy of three under our belts


ANYWAY (sorry I tend to ramble), moral of the story is that there could be so many things holding your bf back! Maybe he has always had firm ideas about when and how he''d want to get engaged (wants to own a house first, date for more than 4 years, who knows!) and you might be able to feel those out.
 

ktkakes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2006
Messages
86
we do talk about it and he says its a finacial issue right now! i can say that i dont beat around the bush at times when he asks me now what i want for xmas i say a diamond ring! he just says not this year.. i can understand being tight for money! hell i am too! he won''t finance a ring he doesnt believe in it
A couple of wks ago i had said to him kiddin that we were gonna get married in march of 08 and he said yes.. its not a definate time but it should be around that time! he told me we would be married more than likely in 08.
Im sure if i know him he has something particular in mind! so we shall see.. the waiting is killing me though.. its like torture
 

akw94

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,937
Kate,
It IS a form of torture. I have come to believe that! I like that you told him you wanted a diamond ring for xmas. At least you''re upfront about it. Does it help any knowing that it''s just a financial issue? I think that might help me a little b/c part of my problem is that I don''t know the reasons why. The not-knowing can be difficult to handle for me.
I have sort of based my being engaged timeframe on our being married timeframe so maybe you can do that too. He and I have talked about being married in 2007.. well, we didn''t expressly say 2007 but it was said that everything needs to happen in one year in order for us to move. So I figure that I''d like a warm weather wedding and in order to adequately plan, I''m willing to wait until Feb-March for him to propose. Any longer than that, we''d have to re-work our moving plan b/c I don''t want to rush through everything!

Well, I hope it happens sooner rather than later for you!!
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
Date: 11/28/2006 7:39:51 AM
Author: ktkakes
he won''t finance a ring he doesnt believe in it
Good for him!! I personally don''t think a ring is worth going into debt over--but wouldn''t life be so much easier if we could!

I ended up suggesting to FF that we buy something smaller and upgrade, and he wouldn''t have any of it. He wanted to get what I wanted NOW and that would be that--forever (no upgrades). Lucky for me he unexpectedly scored a high-paying gig in Oct. and first on the "frivolous money" list was a stone! ...You''d think he''d now be more anxious to rip off the band-aid


It sounds like you are very very close. Hang in there!
 

graceleigh817

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2006
Messages
3
Hey Kate!

That''s my sister''s name. I TOTALLY understand how you feel. I think all the ladies in here do. My BF and I have been dating for 4 years and the first two were long distance. We don''t love together though. I mentioned to him, more than once, that I would like to be married by Jan 1,2008 and all he could tell me was to "have faith"....I do. BUT IT''S SO HARD NOT KNOWING!!! all i can tell you is that I understand and my BF wants to be proud of what he has to offer me when he asks me and he is totally against buying a ring and not paying cash for it. So who knows how long that will be.....

I feel for you!!! And as Matt would say.."Just have faith!! "

 

courtneyclv

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
125
I HAVE FELT EXACTLY LIKE YOU!!!!!

I have been with my bf for ALMOST two years, in December. We have been living togher for also about two years. We have been discussing marriage for about a year and a half. My younger sister got married, then she had a baby. I felt like my family was almost looking down on me because I am neither of those things. BF would make a reference about getting married but never wanted to look at rings. He always had this time in his head..not before two years...I am not sure why. (Actually I know..because his last ex of 7 years cheated..so it is hard for him to trust someone..)

Special days come and went, holidays past, no engagement ring, no proposal. So I started to have 'discussions' with him. "I know you love me..why don't we just get married?" He would say that he would marry me but wanted to wait because he didn't have the money. Then one day we had a very good, drunken talk. He wanted to marry me, very badly, but was very hurt deep inside becaues of what happened to him, it was him not me, and it was not because of money. (and I believed him) So what did I do? I showed him every day that he COULD trust me, that I did love him and that I always would.

Then on Halloween, just a month ago, we were in a mall and he said what I wanted to hear forever..."Do you want to look at rings?"
I almost fainted! Since then I have been designing my engagement ring. Do we have cash for the ring? nope..and that may be a bad thing..but I think that 4% until the balance is paid off on a credit card is pretty good. My BF would prefer to pay cash..but he also knows how important it is to get engaged.

I always thought it was me, there was something wrong with me, maybe he didn't love me enough, maybe I wasn't a good enough girlfriend to be a wife. Then I realized that it wasn't. It was his own fears and concerns that he had to work through. I had to give him time, the two year date he had in his head..and he finally came around.

So I guess all I have to say is..your BF loves you to death..don't worry, give him what he needs, realize it isn't you..and he will come around too..and if it is because of money..help him save because it can take years to save up to pay cash for your e-ring!
 

ktkakes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2006
Messages
86
its such a relief to me to find a group of ladies like yourselves.. it makes what i am dealing with so much easier! thank you very much for helping me.
I hope it does come soon! and like you said its a form of torture..lol i think on average if it was the other way around, women wouldnt torture the man!
Part of my BF doesnt understand "why its so important to a woman" and i simply say to him, " its something every girl wants some day, and i think once u have met that right person you truly know its time!" every day i think about the future, us having children and growing old and i cant help but smile
Musey--- thanks i hope it is close.. believe me you ladies will be one of the first to find out!!!!Not everyone in this world can say they met their soul mate! i honestly can!
Graceleigh i feel you there when everyone talks to his younger sister they look at me and i can feel them saying well what about you? Sounds like your ring is approaching soon as well
Courtney congrats its good to hear such great news. im sure he is going to sweep you off your feet! i cant wait to hear how he proposes. The advantage that my BF has is he has a jeweler in the family! ugh .. who can give him a great ring at a reasonable price! its tough

I dont know what any of your BF''s do ladies, but mine is a police officer so he is very stubborn.. he needs to start doing more detail(lol)

 

ktkakes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2006
Messages
86
Just an update on whats going on... Last night he asked me when i would idealy like to get engaged. i said now..lol and he said if now isnt an opiton so i had said feb/march and he said yea me too..

So im getting close!! ahhhhh i cant wait!!
 

Imperials

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 29, 2006
Messages
12
I am sort of in the same situation except I accidentally found that my BF already bought the ring so now I am just waiting. Even though - I still feel your pain. Especially with all the outside nagging. I too almost everyday have someone ask me when he might propose. I even have good friends create scenarios for my birthday, his birthday, thanksgiving, etc which have all passed without a proposal. Although I know it is coming soon I find myself with feelings of disappointment after every weekend. Why they do this to us we will never know……..
 

ImpatientOne

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 19, 2006
Messages
1,394
Date: 12/12/2006 11:52:07 AM
Author: Imperials
I am sort of in the same situation except I accidentally found that my BF already bought the ring so now I am just waiting. Even though - I still feel your pain. Especially with all the outside nagging. I too almost everyday have someone ask me when he might propose. I even have good friends create scenarios for my birthday, his birthday, thanksgiving, etc which have all passed without a proposal. Although I know it is coming soon I find myself with feelings of disappointment after every weekend. Why they do this to us we will never know……..
I know what you mean. My ring is already here, too. This past weekend we were at a family function and everyone kept coming up and grabbing my hand, looking for the ring. I hate to have to keep saying "not yet!"

I want to copy and paste all these kinds of posts into an email to him so he can see that this is pure torture! I want to be able to show off my ring to my family over the holidays, so I hope he does it before then. My luck he''ll wait until after New Years


It is soooo hard waiting when you know it could be happening at any time. Pure torture, I say!!!
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,009
I waited 4+ years for my engagement so I can totally relate. I think there is many ladies in the same boat. Just know it is worth the wait. Meanwhile this is a great place to vent.
 

Hopes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 7, 2006
Messages
97
Don''t feel so down Imperials! My guy had my ring for a week before he finally proposed. He said he was working up the nerve to do it, and wanted it to be romantic... but didn''t know how to make it perfect. It doesn''t have to be perfect, but the guys don''t seem to get that. I think they''re very nervous and self-conscious about the whole thing, too. Funny how that works, huh?
 

DMBsGirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2006
Messages
1,589
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 yrs, since we were 17 and 18. Engagement was never really an option before recently because we were in college, both still living at home, and then I went to grad school for three years. Our relationship went through its ups and downs and an 8 month breakup led us to both realizing that we never wanted to be apart. He now owns his own apartment, we both have good jobs and everyone is pressuring him and asking him when he will do it! To make matters worse, in the past couple of months, one friend got married and two engaged, and his cousin got engaged (his recently DIVORCED cousin!!!) It has been really tough, and at times I got manic about it, and the discussion always ended the same way.....The more he feels stressed about it and pressured the less he wants to do it. He is a firm believer in everything being a surprise. His family and my family are always speculating about WHEN it will happen and I also feel like an ass when I show up with nothing on my finger. I have also gone through periods of thinking maybe there''s something wrong with me. This doesn''t help and I think the only thing we can do is just continue to think that they do have some lovely plan and are waiting for the perfect moment to propose. I''d agree with everyone else who says that it doesnt need to be grand or over the top, but I know that guys feel pressured and since everyone always asks "how did he propose", he will want his girl to have a good story. Hang in there, hopefully it will happen for all of us soooooooooooon!!!!
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I know exactly how you feel DMBsgirl! Ive been with bf for 7 and a half years and I would love to be his fiance now! We are buying the ring in July which will be our 8th anniversary but I just hope that he doesnt make me wait long for the ring! Its so hard waiting for it but I cant believe in just over 6 months I will be going to New York to get it. We had a talk a while ago and his reason for not doing it yet was that he wants to get his money saved and be stable in his job. He now has those things lined up so I just cannot wait to get over there and do it!
 

cutes814

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2005
Messages
1,803
yay! feb/march is going to be here before you know it! meanwhile keep yourself busy so your mind will be off it. remember, after this, there will be no more anticipation! so enjoy the last few months of waiting!

isn''t it such a relief when you *know* when the timeframe is? i remember how relieved i felt when i found out it''ll happen after thxgiving and before xmas. i had to wait 4 years for my e-ring, it was pure torture during the last 4 months of the wait because i knew the ring was ready and he had it and still kept me waiting!


but after he asked me to marry him, the waiting agony suddenly vanished into thin air! i don''t even know why i was feeling that way...hehe...

strap on your saddle because after the engagement, it all goes by so fast! the planning, the wedding, kids...have fun!!!
 
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