From working to SAHM??

[split_shank]

For those of you who changed your 'career' from working out of the home to becoming a SAHM, how or what made you decide to make the switch? Other than the obvious baby in your arms. Talk of #2 is in the air, and I can't help but think that I might want to stay at home after that. The thing that nags at me is that I would be 'wasting' (if you can call it that) an education that frankly, I'm still paying loans on. DS is 17 months old, and I miss him when I'm at work, but its good for both of us to get a few breaks from each other. I think I do need the adult away time, but I can't say that I love my job. What makes me nervous is that we live in a relatively small city, and if I were to give up my job, I know exactly who would be taking my place and that the opportunity would probably not be available again to return, especially with the hours and arrangements set in place. Nothing can justify being more important than having that time with your children, especially when they are small and growing up. But I can't help but think that I am obligated to work for as much time as I spent in getting the degree for it. Financially, we would be ok. I know that SAHM's work is anything but glorious lounging around, so I know its still work. Hard work. Did anyone who made the switch feel a little guilty for giving up their educated career path? Any thoughts with what you were thinking at the time and what made you finally make the change would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Pandora II]

I was semi-forced into becoming a SAHM.

I'm in the UK so I already got a year's maternity leave, but my company decided to try and make me redundant a week after I told them I was pregnant. UK labour laws are very strict on how redundancies should be managed - it's hard to fire someone here - and they screwed up big time. So I sued them and we settled out of court when DD was about 4 months old.

The amount I 'won' enabled me to qualify as a gemmologist, spend nearly 3 years at homewith DD and I'm now looking at working for myself which would give me continuing flexibility. I had been in a senior position in a political party which made it extremely hard to try for another job in the sector - you can't really apply to a different party, I was totally disillusioned with mine and the political arena is small, incestuous and I would be having to work with many people I didn't wish to have anything to do with anymore.

I was 37 when DD was born so I'd had a decent stretch between graduating and maternity leave and didn't feel I was giving anything up.

I'm fortunate to live in London and being a SAHM has given me the opportunity to make the most of what there is on offer - the vast majority of our museums and galleries are free and I have annual passes to the zoo and aquarium. DD is now at nursery 3 days a week so we go out on Mondays and Fridays - today I took her to the Museum of London, on Friday we went to the Science Museum, the week before we went to the Imperial War Museum and to see the exhibition on Scott of the Antarctic at the Natural History Museum (I might have grabbed the opportunity to oggle the Aurora diamond collection while I was there).

A lot will depend on your personality - I quite like my own company or just being out with DD - I don't have a need for lots of other mummy friends, I have huge numbers of interests and hobbies and generally wish there were 50 hours in a day so I could do all the things I want to do, I love watching DD learn things as well.

On the downside, I'd like to go to the bathroom on my own occasionally; DD is extremely strong-willed and can drive me to drink (literally) on a regular basis (or the migraine tablets); a nice peaceful lunch/cup of coffee/20 minutes on the bus with the newspaper is a fantasy, would be nice to contribute more to the family income.

My mother was a SAHM and loved it, so I was also used to that set-up.

 

[Newjewels]

If not back to your exact job, would you have the opportunity to return to work/ similar job if you took a few years off while your kid(s) are little?

I am also paying off school loans, but that would not stop me from being a SAHM if we could pull it off financially! I can totally relate to where you are coming from about a perceived "wasted" education. But if eventually going back to work is an option, nothing wasted and so much gained ( time to raise your kids and memories to last a lifetime)!

Despite working full time (a 4-day work week for me), I take my daughter to the same playgroup each week and try to participate in as many activities in my mothers group as my schedule will allow. What I struggle with are my feelings of envy of all of the SAHMs in the group (most of whom "live better" than us, despite our double income!), and how I would love to be able to stay home with my kids like they do. It's all relative though, the grass is always greener, etc etc. I know it is LOTS of work being a SAHM and I do try to appreciate what I have: my health, hubby's health, the best kids!!

Good luck with your decision

 

[missrachelk]

I am also considering becoming a SAHM but I don't personally feel the same about my education (I have a BA)

I feel more that I may be 'wasting' my ctime with my baby / babies / young children by working at a job that I don't love. They're only little once and even if it's not the same as what you're currently in, there are other jobs to be had.

For our family, the mathematics of what I make vs childcare expenses combined with DH and my current opposite work schedules makes it pretty obvious that it makes sense for me not to go back to work, even if it's a financial struggle compared to where we are now. My mother was also a SAHM (well she had several jobs once I was in school but she wasn't a career woman per se - she's an artist and did lots of various jobs) and now that I'm pregnant I do long to make the kind of life that I grew up withfor my family.

Personally I would love to live simply and do the things that I feel like a SAHM has the ability to do, compared to a working mom, like make lots of food from scratch, sew clothes for baby and myself and have time together with DH every day (we currently only see each other for longer than an hour or so on weekends, he leaves for work before I get home and works until anywhere from 11pm - 3am). I'm incredibly tired when I come home as it is, without even thinking about a baby! I've also persoanlly (No judgement to anyone) always had a distaste for putting an infant into full time childcare.

I think every family's situation is different and every woman is different. Some really do prefer working and some prefer SAHM'ing. Maybe you could try to work out a job-share so that you could work part time if you're not feeling ready to give up your job completely.

Personally I am also trying to focus on what I do want and make decisions that way vs focusing on what I'm afraid of and making decisions based on avoiding - moving forward positively rather than moving in fear (IE for us I'm afraid of losing my income, but I know in reality we'll be fine so I'm focusing on the fact that I want to stay home rather than that I'm afraid to lose household income)

That all being said, I know my boss wants to keep me, and I work for a small company so there's a lot of flexibility. If I'm given an option that I think will work for my family, I may well work part time, but definitely not full time.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

I took time off for my kids. Got a degree in Accounting but it wasn't "me," so I quit, then worked at a community college for a few years before having my kids. Now, my kids are 9 and 11 and I am totally unemployable. No skills and the market is tough! My recommendation to you would be to try and find a PT job to keep your skills in tact AND so you have employment history on your resume. I have neither, but had worked as a PT bookkeeper last year, but the situation was not idea so I quit. I just got another job offer and am not sure what to do as there are some issues involved if I accept the job...!

If you can, set aside money every month and plan on going back to school once your kids are a bit older and you're wanting to reenter the work force.

 

[amc80]

Earning your degree was a life experience- it is part of who you are. I have an MA in Econ. Whether or not I am in an Econ related job, I still use my degree all the time. It taught me to think a certain way and examine problems from a different perspective...both which are useful in every day life, whether at a 9-5 job or running a household.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Hi,

I took time off for my kids. Got a degree in Accounting but it wasn't "me," so I quit, then worked at a community college for a few years before having my kids. Now, my kids are 9 and 11 and I am totally unemployable. No skills and the market is tough! My recommendation to you would be to try and find a PT job to keep your skills in tact AND so you have employment history on your resume. I have neither, but had worked as a PT bookkeeper last year, but the situation was not idea so I quit. I just got another job offer and am not sure what to do as there are some issues involved if I accept the job...!

If you can, set aside money every month and plan on going back to school once your kids are a bit older and you're wanting to reenter the work force.

Working PT is my plan too, when my oldest goes to kindergarten. DH and I have long commutes and I do feel like we're going to wake up one day and wish that we had spent more time with the kids. Both will have to be in before-school care, as their elementary school doesn't start until 9am, and with an hour commute, starting work at 10am or later isn't going to work out. But I'll stop work at 2pm and be home to pick them up from school, which ends at 3.40pm. My job also offers teleworking 3 days a pay period and there's talk it might go up to 4 or 5 days soon, which would be fantastic!

 

[megumic]

This question weighs on me heavily as well. Particularly because my job ends as of aug 31 and I am due aug 23. So unless I hit the ground running with infant in arms, I will not be employed when I'm ready to g back t work. I feel you on the "wasted education" with loans t pay off as well. It's such a tough thought process. DH and I have kind of decided to see how things go. To see how life is with baby and what opportunities present themselves. It really is difficult and I think wmen put a lot of pressure on themselves to be everything and have everything all at the same time.

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

I made the switch! To sum up my attitude was- I have the rest of my life to work but my children will only grow up once...

I have been the first one to see them smile, crawl, take their first steps, hear their first words, etc and that makes it all worth it at the end of the day for me. My mother was a SAHM mom too which factored into my decision.

I had an excellent career with a well known company that i worked very hard for, but when my daughter was born 20 months ago I decided to become a SAHM because I wanted to watch my daughter grow up. DH and I decided to have our children close together in age so i could go back to work in a couple years once they start school if I choose to do that. I now also have a 3 month old son too.

Being a SAHM definetly is hard work, and at first it was a BIG adjustment, but the reward is worth it. I dont really feel like i wasted my education because I plan on going back to work to some extent (maybe just feelance or part time) in a couple years. Im 30, so I have quite a bit of time before permanent retirement.

If you need some time to decide, perhaps your company can work with you- maybe part time or work from home for a couple days? It is definetly a hard decision that so many women face in this day and age.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This thread is helpful to me as I'm faced with going back to work after Memorial Day and am having some anxiety about it. I am only going back part-time (for a couple of months), but I'm already trying to figure out how to negotiate part-time for a longer period of time.

My husband has voiced that he'd like for me to stay home, but I'm still thinking about what is best for our family. Either way I feel guilty: if I stay home, then my husband shoulders the financial burden. Plus I feel guilty about little things--like the fact that he'd essentially be buying his own birthday gifts. It's just so odd to me. On the other hand, if I do go back to work, the mom guilt is tough.

 

[soocool]

Call it menopause or whatever, but I do regret to this day that I gave up my job after DD was born almost 20 years ago. I was older (35 ) when I had her and established in my career with a BS, MS, andn MBA behind me. I was certainly busy when she was small, but missed the paycheck and socialization that I had from my job. I love my DD immensely and cherish the time we spent, but funny when I ask her do you remember when we did this or went there, she remembers nothing. And a lot of this was even when she was in elementary school (through age 12). I did go back to work part time when she was in elementary school, but did not work at the level I could have/would have been if I had worked full time. Now I work 3 full months out of the year as a 1099 consultant (not contract work), but am thinking of stopping because it offers me no more challenge. I am seriously thinking about teaching community college and doing something more meaningful with my life right now as I am not ready to retire.

 

[KimberlyH]

I completed my MEd, with the student loans to prove it, and was pregnant with my daughter six months later. Teaching jobs were and are hard to come by, so I pieced together a career working three different part time positions and loved what I was doing. I always knew I'd want to be home with my child/ren, so I continued one of the jobs that allowed me to set my own schedule and leave our daughter with my husband, but I didn't work or get paid much (that job ended when the company I worked for closed its doors). For now, we live frugally but still quite well and most importantly we're content.

I am toying with my future return to the workforce and what that will look like; the thing I'm most seriously considering is opening my own day care in the next year or two so that I can work and have my daughter with me. I wouldn't trade this time with her for anything whether she remembers the specifics or not. And given that we may not be able to have another child it has reinforced that this was the best choice for me and us as a family.

 

[kat08]

I've been home with both my girls since they were born, although my situation is a little different because I've done a mix of not working and working part-time from home (most of the time has been spent working part-time). I guess I'm a little bit in between both worlds? My latest decision has been to cut back on working, and both I and my family are a lot happier with my current light schedule, even though it means our budget is tighter.

I think the hardest part of being a SAHM is not having the same adult interactions as you did working outside of the home. If you're an extrovert, that may not be as difficult because you'll find it easier to be active in mommy groups. If you're an introvert, you may not enjoy the mommy groups as much. I'm an introvert, and I did regularly do things with my mommy group when my girls were little (the women were very nice, but I'm just not a fan of large groups). I really LOVED my time with close friends doing playdates when my girls were very little (as opposed to the mommy group). That was actual fun. So if you have a number of other good friends who are also staying at home, that will help a lot.

The other hard part of being a SAHM is preserving your self-identity. One thing I learned about myself is that I'm not really a "child" person! I love my girls SO much, and if I had it all to do over again, I would make the exact same choice to be at home with them. BUT, I've found that doing things that makes them happy is sometimes at odds with making myself happy. I guess what I'm trying to say about me not being a "child" person is that I don't enjoy doing child-level activities as much, especially when I'm doing them continuously! I love playing with my girls, reading to them, taking them on nature walks, etc., but I like it in small doses periodically throughout the day. If I did it non-stop, I might go crazy. And I've found that I can't stand playing "dolls," which is what my girls would want to do with me all day if I let them! I did my best to explain that's what sisters are for!

What I've found is it's important to have balance. I spend quality time doing things with the girls that we both enjoy more (i.e. more nature walks and reading and less "doll" time). And I make sure I have enough time doing things for "me."

Working part-time has probably also been very good for me. I started a small business, and it gives me a sense of self-fulfillment, but still allows me to spend a lot of time at home with my girls. The trickiest part has been not allowing my business to take over my life, which is why I made the recent decision to cut back. I also have other interests that I've been pursuing (I'm working on a novel). Are there hobbies that you love? If you do stay at home, make sure you do things for yourself that you love and give you a sense of purpose. If you do that, you won't have any regrets! You'll feel lucky! And the hard parts of staying at home will feel worth it. Good luck with your decision!

 

[Jennifer W]

Having made the decision to re-train as a lawyer a couple of years before having a baby, I did not feel like I wanted to be out of work. I did do the SAHM thing for 14 months, taking extended maternity leave - that was lovely in so many ways, it meant I was able to focus on the huge life change and be with this amazing little person in the first year. A huge amount of the pleasure I took in it stemmed from knowing it was time limited and not the rest of my foreseeable future, stretching ahead of me. Plus, my husband took four months off at the beginning, then worked a three day compressed hour week for the rest of the first year, so I was only really at home alone with a baby for three days a week. That for me was more than enough, I just never really relished that however hard I tried. What I love about my job is that it is unpredictable from one hour to the next and what I hated about being at home was the predictability of the day. When I woke up on a home alone day, I didn't want to get out from under the duvet, it was just crushing to think about it and the sameness of it (I did plan and enjoy activities, but still, it felt stifling and a little bit scary sometimes).

So, my balance was to take some time and try to enjoy being at home, but with the knowledge that it was not forever and I hadn't checked out of my professional world and wasn't technically unemployed. I tried to avoid routine, because that isn't good for me, but with a baby, that's pretty hard.

Good luck with your decision. Obviously there are pros and cons to either approach, but I hope you can find a solution that works for you

 

[Sabine]

I think for me, I never expected to be a stay at home mom permanently, so that helps keep the cringing at least somewhat at bay when I make my student loan payments each month.

I don't love being a SAHM all the time, but I didn't like my job either, and with my dh being in the military and deploying often, it made sense in our situation for me to SAH until either the kids are in school (8 months and almost 3), dh is out of the military, or both.

 

[Smith1940]

Well, I don't even have kids and I decided to stay at home in October 2010, at the age of 36!

To clarify: After 15 years in the workplace, I'd had enough of the backstabbing, office politics, professional and personal jealousies, so I decided to work from home for myself. I am a stay-at-home book editor.

I am hoping to start a family this year.

The environment in huge media corporations can be pretty intense, and there aren't that many jobs, so perhaps that's why I found it very tough. Also, when the bitchy media environment really got going, I would have no idea how to retaliate. I could not play those games. I found it very draining. Some of my projects would do really, really well, and I had a lot of success a few times. At those times, the hostility from jealous colleagues was at its worst. I'm good at tuning into the emotions all around me, and I found that hostility pretty dreadful to cope with. I was unhappy.

I do not miss the workplace one bit. I used to worry A LOT about how I would have children and still maintain my career, which is important to me. But now, with time, the problem just seems to have solved itself. As long as I do the occasional proofread, I can keep my hand in.

It's funny how I worried for so long about combining motherhood and career - I literally used to lie awake thinking about how it would work, especially when you have more than one - and for me, that problem has pretty much melted away.

Proves the saying "It might never happen"!

I think my point is really that if you have had a very positive experience of the workplace, then you will probably regret giving up your job. My sister-in-law is a City lawyer in London and she makes millions, but she paid an army of women to bring up her son and packed him off to boarding school as soon as she could. Does she regret missing his entire life so far? I have to say, she doesn't seem to. She enjoys her life. Society puts so much pressure on women to give up every ounce of their self and their lives for their children, but I have to say, her son is 15 now and he seems absolutely fine. He's proud of his mother's work.

I think that, within the bounds of what's possible, people should do what makes them the happiest.

The posters who were saying that they regretted giving up work, I'm sure you have much to offer. Perhaps you could re-train? Even if you just went on some courses to update your computer skills and then got an office job as a PA or secretary or office manager/assistant or whatever, you could always move up from there.

 

[meresal]

I absolutely hated my job. Hated the environment, most of the people, etc. Had no desire to move up at all, and no reason to stay, since we don't "need" my paycheck.

I was having 1000x more fun at home and the fulfillment was leaps and bounds above what I was getting from work. The decision to stay home was easy, but the hard part was actually letting go of the concept of having a job.