Friend with ED (HELP)

[Nomsdeplume]

I don''t know how to deal with this anymore.

I have a friend who used to be about normal weight wise, and then lost a LOT of weight really quickly. I didn''t really pay much attention to it, until I noticed how obsessed she was becoming. She started commenting on exercise, the amount of calories in food etc etc CONSTANTLY!
Then she started commenting on the weight of others, calling her normal-sized friends fat and saying that if your thighs touch at all you are fat. She told her best friend (in a crowded restaurant) not to drink the beer she had because it was the equivalent of a whole loaf of bread calorie wise. She told me not to eat the ice cream I wanted to order because "Careful Kribbie, I''ll have to start calling you my fat friend." I weigh 48 kilograms. I don''t really think there''s any danger of that. Let me have my damn ice cream!!!!

Recently another friend joined Weight Watchers (she''s not overweight, she just needs a bit of motivation to lose about 5 kilograms/10 pounds), and the obsessed friend phoned me to ask me if I thought our friend was losing weight, and to tell me "You CANNOT let her get thinner than me!"

This is getting out of hand. I''m so irritated but I''m trying not to be because I think she might have an ED. Do you think it''s possible that she might?
What should I do?

 

[somethingshiny]

When someone is paying that much attention to the eating habits of those around them, I''d say she does have an eating disorder or at least some anxiety about it. I don''t know how close you are with her, if you brought it up would she listen or ignore you? The only suggestion I have is to try to get her mom/sister/best friend/etc in with you. And try to find out how to get her some help.

Living a healthy lifestyle is one thing, but people who live healthy lifestyles aren''t the ones pointing out everyone''s "fat."

Try to find some books on the subject, not just of EDs but also for supporting people with EDs.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Yikes. Your friend has obviously gone off the deep end. As far as a diagnosis -- obsessive compulsive disorder or body dysmorphic disorder or something else -- I can't wager a guess. But your run of the mill eating disorder is usually about control and less directed outwardly at others, so there's got to be more to it than that.

I have a close friend whose natural body type is medium frame with nice boobs (well, compared to my barely As). A few years back she lost a ton of weight, and her body ate her boobs, so to speak.

I was telling her that my BMI was 19.5 (back before the baby!), and she said, "Oh, that's really good." And I was like, um, what do you mean by good? (Not that I thought mine was bad, but it seemed like a strange thing to say since most people do not take body type or activity level into consideration and just think all of the "normal" range of 18.5-25 is the same, while for some people the lower end could be too low or the higher end could be too high, etc.) She said that hers was much lower, like 17 something, and she was trying to bring it higher. She also stopped getting her period. These are definite signs that her (lack of) weight wasn't healthy!

She obsessively counts calories and told me that sometimes she "accidentally" only eats 1000 calories a day. Well, this explains the boobs, the period, and the BMI way under normal. My response was, "Oh dear. You know that's not healthy, right? It should be double that for how active you are." She said she knew that and that her mom and fiance were really worried about her and she was trying to do better. I don't see her that often and don't feel like there's that much I can do, but I'm glad at least to know that the people in her life are concerned.

I would at least be honest with your friend and try to be an example of someone who is slim but not obsessed or irrational. Her comments about you and other friends are just projections of her own insecurities, which is definitely annoying, but since the situation is so dangerous to her health I'd try to get past that. Instead of reacting with annoyance, I'd say, "You know, your attitude about your body has really changed recently, and it concerns me. It's one thing to eat healthy and work out, but it's another to think and talk about it all the time. I think you've lost sight of how thin you really are and are too fixated on this one area of your life." If she's too entrenched in her disorder to listen to you, then you might speak to family/friends if possible. And definitely don't let her make you feel bad by her comments -- she's crossed the border into crazy land and she's just oblivious to the fact that she's the only one who thinks her new way of life is normal or healthy.

 

[Xedoc]

I was about to suggest some sexy lingerie or one of the various pills for ED until you said "she." I had a double-take before I realized you were talking about eating disorders!

I agree with Phoenix - try to be supportive and talk about it, but don''t let it get to you or your friends. Sometimes this is just a phase, and sometimes it becomes a serious issue.

Where''s she get her info? A non-light beer is roughly 2-3 slices of bread.. not a loaf!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Xedoc, I thought that would get some attention!

I guess I''m pretty close to her. She would probably put me in the "very close friend" category. I don''t even think she realizes how she is alienating those around her through this behaviour.

I do feel very sorry for her, and at times I feel like I form a part of the only (very small) support system she has. She comes from a difficult home situation and childhood. She''s an only child. Her older brother was killed in a car accident when she was young, due to negligence on the part of her alcoholic mother. She has absolutely no relationship with her mother now. Her parents divorced, and her father remarried a woman who despises her, and as a result she has slowly been losing contact with him too. She has a boyfriend but they haven''t been together for very long, and even though I think he''s a good guy, he is one of those people who will always be 10 years old at heart and will never take something like this seriously.

I have discussed it with another close friend but neither of us know how to bring it up in a casual, non threatening way. I know that her first reaction will be to become very angry and defensive, and possibly to push away some of the people who are closest to her.

It''s really tough.

 

[Xedoc]

Due to the loss in her life, she''s probably being far overly concerned with being accepted and channeling it through her own body image, thus the eating disorder and constant comments. A supportive significant other can make a huge difference with this sort of situation, since that is the most likely way she''ll have significant stabilization for the long-term in her own life. Friends should also be supportive, but more in a way to remind her of true statistics of being healthy is not what Vogue and the fashion/entertainment industry want her to think. Yes, there will be extremely superficial people in the world, but it''s important that she really learns what a healthy body looks like.. and far more often than not, it''s not a woman with 4% body fat.

Don''t let the comments get to you or others. Try to feed her info on what healthy people are really like - this will need to come from people in health care who understand that body fat is not a good indicator of overall health. Being fit includes muscle tone, but you can''t get that when you''re starving your body on 1000 calories a day. Encourage healthy exercise and healthy diet - which means eating what your body needs to survive. Depending on her size, it''s likely around 1500-1800 calories a day of balanced carbs, proteins, and healthy fats.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Thanks everyone. I will just be supportive and understanding. If I see any dangerous behaviour, I''ll talk to her boyfriend.

 

[marcy]

Sorry that your friend has become so obsessed with not only her eating and size but with those around her as well. A thought I had based on her history is maybe this is something she feels she can focus on and control so it became an overly important in her life. As Xedoc pointed out her perception of calories is not correct because that would have to be one gigantic beer to be the same number of calories as an entire loaf of bread. Since she doesn''t have a good relationship with her father or mother and her BF doesn''t sound like he would give her a strong emotional support her friends might be the only source she has for help. I would try not to let her comments bother you and her other friends and maybe when she makes such a comment that might be the time to start asking her questions about why she focuses on it so much now.

 

[makemepretty]

I think eating disorders are about trying to have some control in your life when you feel you really don''t. It''s really NOT about weight.


My advice is to ignore any comments about food and weight. Change the subject. If she''s commenting on what you eat just say that you''re happy with your body and that is all that matters. Tell her that you refuse to comment on anyone''s weight or appearance and that you''ve never seen a perfect person ever.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

UPDATE:
She has a brand new obsession in addition to the weight thing. Wrinkles. And she now takes pleasure in pointing out the wrinkles of those around her.
I''m sick of this!
I''m actually going to start avoiding her. I don''t need people like this in my life.

 

[noelwr]

first, I do think the way your friend acts is extreme and that's not how friends should talk to each other.

I can't speak for her as I don't know HOW she lost the weight, but since the beginning of this year I have started working out 5-7 times per week and trying to eat healthier and it is HARD to the point I guess it can make you bitter (plus the amount of effort I put into it I would have hoped I look like a super model by now but that's never going to happen). I also look at people and think that if I stopped drinking soda the least an overweight person can do is the same, and I actually find it gross to watch an overweight person eat something unhealthy. however, I NEVER voice these opinions out loud.

if I had to watch you eat ice cream and you're only 48kg, then I'd probably be really jealous.

so I'm not sure if it's an ED as I don't know if she's too thin for her age/height, and even though it may be REALLY annoying hearing about it, exercise and counting calories is healthy. but to be jealous that someone else will be thinner??? I think next time you hang out just tell her that you don't want to hear a peep about weight/exercise or else you're never going to hang again.

by the way... unless you've been working on a farm out in the sun all your life, wrinkles are pretty much genetic and there's nothing you can do about them. it has nothing to do with how you take care of yourself.