friend in sticky situation....

[laine]

I agree with Pandora. If guy has no intention of being involved with her/the child (other than financially), I don't think he should go to the appt, as it may give her the idea that he is willing to be involved/possibly get back together/etc.

ETA: I know you didn't take sides/give advice, which I think is best, but did you try to make it clear to her that guy is not going to get back together with her? Is it possible that she thinks that through you, she can get back with him?

 

[LittleRock]

Violet - You do realize that at the present moment you are the connection to "him" right now. Just the fact that she asked if "he" could go along says something.

I think she is young and needs to be clear on the reality of the situation. I''m not saying she doesn''t have a firm grasp on reality but wanting a guy to come to a u/s even thou he''s made it clear that he wants nothing....well, that speaks for itself. A man does not have any obligation after making a baby with someone besides financial responsibility, that''s it! He could chose to stay involved or absolutely not and just support financially. Is she prepared to raise a baby on her own? Does she have family that will help her out? You don''t need to answer these questions....I''m just rambling really.

This is also an enormous amount to take on emotionally on your part with also trying to plan a wedding. Even though you say I''m gonna stay at a distance and not involve myself emotionally, is easier said than done. I just wanted to give you my words of wisdom since I''m guessing I may be in a few years ahead of you if not more

Just proceed with caution.

 

[cara]

Hmm, I also don't think you should be the carrier pidgeon for this request to your friend the father. Sends off my spidey sense about me relaying messages between divorced parents. I also don't think that you and your male friend both should go to this appointment with his ex - that is too many people to triangulate between. Potential mother and father will need to talk, if father even wants to go. Plus your loyalties will lie somewhere in between the two of them. (It'd be different if you were simply a girlfriend of the woman - but I think the set-up of you as friend to guy first matters.)

Urge her to get a sound medical opinion on the inverted uterus future-children issue. If she's going to make a decision based on it, she should not be guessing or fooling herself about reasons.

Honestly, I simply didn't believe the adoption plan would ever come to fruition when you first relayed it. Women with emotional issues that get pregnant often continue making decisions emotionally, not rationally. It takes a unique combination of loving, selfless but cold and rational heart to decide to carry a child to term and then give it up for adoption (in environments where abortion is a real option.)

Kudos to you to being there to listen and volunteering to go to her appt. for support. Support away, just be careful not to get dragged in too deep!

 

[violet02]

Well originally the adoption plan was her plan. I don''t think she can go through with it though personally. Not after talking to her. She already got my friend to agree to go with her to the ultrasound. I showed up and met them there with my FI. Since it was a vaginal ultrasound I went in with her. My friend refused to. The ultrasound was amazing I have to say. I could see it''s tiny little heartbeat. It''s 13mm and perfectly placed. The doctor said her inverted uterus was right itself while carrying the baby and that it did NOT have any effect on her future ability to have children (i asked the doctor to go over that with her).

I have DEFINITELY conveyed to her that my friend will not be there for her at all if she has the baby. He may be financially responsible but he will not be physcially or emotionally there. After that ultra sound today though I have to say that I think that she may have the baby. Heck I got emotional just seeing it up there on the screen! It''s due date is December 25th. At this point the best thing for her may be to just be on her own and try to figure this out without me or him being involved at all. Maybe all of our outpouring of support is just too much support. In the end she''s going to be doing this on her own that''s for sure. I still said I''d be supportive but I''m not sure what more there is to do at this point other than to be someone for her to talk to.

I did make sure she made a followup doctors appt today. The doctor needs to see her very soon regardless of whether or not she''s having the baby. I can see why it would be very hard to have an abortion after seeing what I did today but if she''s not going to give it up for adoption I worry that she won''t be able to provide for the kid at all. She can barely care for herself.

You ladies have a point though... as much as she says she knows that he won''t be there for her I bet she may think that either through me or somehow through him he''ll come back around to her. You''re right, I bet she probably does secretly think there''s a shot since she asked him to go to that appt wtih her...