Foster care? Any experiences?

[akmiss]

A dear friend of mine adopted a child through the foster care system and she is going to open her home to another child very soon. Growing up, I had two foster sisters for just over a year. One experience was positive and the other was not. My kids want to have a foster brother or sister and we have the room to accommodate another child so I have been seriously considering it. I know the experience can be very rewarding and benefit the host family just as much as the foster child but I am a little apprehensive. Am I crazy to think like this? Please let me know what you think.

 

[swingirl]

What are the ages of your kids and what age of foster child are you thinking of? And do you have a separate bedroom for the foster child?

 

[megumic]

I don''t have experience with foster care, but I''ll throw in my .02 anyway.

I think welcoming a foster child into your home is one of the most selfless acts one can do. Most importantly, it''s a situation in which you, your children, your family - even the foster child - cannot have expectations. I think that is the hardest part about being a foster family because you just don''t know what kind of child you''ll end up with or what may happen down the road.

It requires tons of research, preparation and discussion to know if you''re ready. But I also think this is something that is very gut instinct. If you think you and your family are ready to welcome another into your home for what may be a very temporary, or perhaps long-term period, I think you should go for it.

I recommend the book Three Little Words by Ashley Rhodes-Courter. It''s her memoir of her experience in the foster care system.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Having worked for an organisation that managed foster care placements, I have some experience of the issues, although not personal experience of having a fostered child in my home. From what I have seen of it, fostering is not something I could do, particularly now that I have a child of my own. I would never discourage anyone from doing this, but I will tell you honestly what I've seen and hope that you don't take offense at what I have to say.

I have seen some real problems that have impacted on families long after the placement ended. Some of the issues I've encountered include a child with a penchant for arson who burned a family's home to the ground and a child who was so traumatised by past sexual abuse that he sexually abused the daughter of the foster family. Some children need foster care because they are in temporary difficulties, such as a lone parent in hospital etc, but many more have been in one placement or foster home after another and have been damaged all along the way by well meaning people who did not understand and could not meet their needs. The outlook for them is bleak.

Many children cannot be part of a family and will not be another of your kids. They won't be won over, most of the time. They will leave your care as damaged, hard and unhappy as when they arrived and there will not be a thing you can do about it. The best you'll manage is not to cause further damage, however unwittingly. The complexity of their problems and the extent of the damage done to some children makes it impossible for them to trust, love or participate in family life. They may exhibit challenging behaviour at a level you could not comprehend or begin to tackle in a meaningful way while still living a normal family life with your own children. You may have to change your entire perspective on the role of a child in your home, on the role of a parent and on what behaviour is acceptable. Not least because you'll likely have no real sanction available. It isn't the same, from what I have seen, as generic good parenting.

I worked in a small town with horrendous substance misuse problems and that has a significant impact on the children we were responsible for. I would also say that our most successful foster carers have either grown up children or no children of their own living at home. Sometimes it will feel more like running a bed and breakfast - overnight placements or placements for less than a week are very common. In some of these cases, the child moves on to secure accommodation following a trial (ie prison) and were in foster care because their family couldn't cope with that. I would find that unbearable, personally.

The other side of what I've seen is that there are some success stories. Plenty of people out there rise to the challenges and provide the best care and as much love they possibly can for traumatised, damaged children. Even then, the outcomes have not always been positive. Skilled and experienced foster carers are essential to society. They are amazing and they have my utmost admiration.

I'm sorry this sounds bleak, but I wanted to tell you what I have seen, so that your eyes are wide open. If you think you can do this, please please look into it and go ahead if you possibly can. Even if you reach out to one child and make a difference, it will be worth doing. If you possibly can, meet up with other foster carers in your area and get a feel for their experiences. And good luck - if you do this, you're amazing!

Jen

ETA I live in the UK - the term 'fostering' may actually have a different meaning. Here, it is less likely to be long term.

 

[lilyfoot]

As much as I respect adoption and fostering, it's not something I would do if my own children were still living at home.

ETA: Though if we are talking about a baby, I think I'd be inclined to feel differently.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

akmiss-I have not fostered, and in fact don''t have kids yet (we''re working on that

) but my BFF''s family were foster parents and several of my parents friends as well. I think it is a wonderful thing to do! DH and I are considering adopting in a few years, and would possibly like to be foster parents well into the future when all our kids are grown-up.

From my friend''s experiences:

If you have kids at home I think it can be really difficult.
1. if your kids are young it can be very confusing for them that this new "sibling" isn''t permanent. They can wonder, will mommy and daddy give me away too?
2. if your kids are older it can be very difficult if the foster child older or is a similar age--you are often bringing someone into your home who can have a strong emotional and physical impact on your children. See Mrs. mitchell''s sad and scary examples. In my BFF''s case it was a foster sister who had a stealing and drug problem.
3. Often foster children have such strong emotional/developmental/physical needs that it can take a huge toll on all relationships in the family (spousal, parental, and sibiling...)
4. if you do develop a bond with a child, it can be very very difficult when then are taken out of your care.

Personally, i think fostercare works best if you don''t have kids at home--you can devote all of your energy towards raising the foster child and don''t need to worry about harm to your children.

If you do want to foster with kdis at home, for me, I would choose to only accept children who were substantially younger than my children, and only if my children were old enough and mature enough to understand intellectually and emotionally the difference in family ties and relationships between children (be they part of your family through adoption or birth) and foster children (who are not as permanent and while they may be deeply loved and have a tremendous impact on your family, and possibly even continue a relationship beyond the fostering, are not permanent family members).

Again, I think being a foster parent is a wonderful thing and given how our system is structured it is necessary, and foster parents can have a huge positive impact on children, but there are many risks and downsides as well.

For me, if I had children at home, I would be much more inclined to adopt through the foster care system (and probably a child or sibling group who was younger than my current children...)

Just my $.02

 

[swingirl]

Fostering children is a full-time job and is a lot more than just giving your own children a new "sibling" or buddy. I worked with a foster child as a mentor and what I learned is they take a great deal of time: regular therapy appointments, trips to visit their families and parents (sometimes in prison or rehab), appointments with teachers, counselors, and tutors as they are often times behind in school due to their disruptive home life and emotional issues. They often are a bit behind socially and don''t interact in typical ways with other children or adults. I know a lot of people want to have the experience of helping but in my opinion fostering is best done when you won''t be putting your own children at risk and when you can devote a lot of time.

 

[elrohwen]

My parents are both child psychologists (so they know more about dealing with difficult children than the average parent) and agreed to take in a foster when I was probably 6 or so. I don't remember much about her, but she was an older teen and my mom said she caused lots and lots of problems. It was very difficult for my parents and sorry to say they were glad to see her go. They never had foster children after that.

I'm all over fostering animals, but I don't think I could ever have a foster child. I imagine it is very difficult! I really respect the people who do it, even if they only do it once.

 

[Pandora II]

No way would I foster if I had young children at home.

I''ve seen things go horribly wrong through the work I have here in London. Mrs Mitchell''s stories are far from uncommon.

What would you do if the foster child was to bully or hit your own child? What if they destroy your property? What if the foster child was to accuse you or your husband of sexual abuse (seen this one several times and the families went through hell with their own kids being put in care for months because of it)...

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Pandora, I didn't mention the potential for such allegations because I thought I'd been quite depressing enough, but yes. That is a significant issue and it does happen, resulting in either a parent having to leave the family home or children being placed in care.

My biggest worry would be the potential for my own child to be harmed. Some children with a history of violent or sexual abuse may repeat these behaviours. Even if they don't, I would feel uneasy knowing it was a possibility. I know that's dreadfully unfair, but my own child would have to come first, by a long way. The first whiff of harm and the foster kid would be out and they would know it, because they may well have been there before. A placement that breaks down, even for very good reasons, can do an awful lot of damage to a child. Well intentioned people do harm children, through no malice or ill intent on their part. I personally wouldn't want to run that risk.

I think that's why the most successful carers on our fostering programme were either childless or had grown up children living elsewhere. Quite apart from the risk of harm to other family members, the sheer amount of energy and time that I would need to devote to all but the least complicated cases would impact significantly on my ability to care for my own child and maintain her current environment.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/24/2010 2:47:41 AM
Author:akmiss
A dear friend of mine adopted a child through the foster care system and she is going to open her home to another child very soon. Growing up, I had two foster sisters for just over a year. One experience was positive and the other was not. My kids want to have a foster brother or sister and we have the room to accommodate another child so I have been seriously considering it. I know the experience can be very rewarding and benefit the host family just as much as the foster child but I am a little apprehensive. Am I crazy to think like this? Please let me know what you think.

My grandmother was adopted, so I am a total advocate of adoption and foster care. She went on to graduate college, have a successful career, a 30 year marriage and 5 kids, so if someone hadn't opened their heart and home to her, I don't know where she'd be now.

You do have to be careful, but crazy? No. You aren't just going to be given any child that needs it, you will work with a support system that will get the right child to the right family. Come from a place of yes first and explore it more. See what you can do. Everyone wants the babies, but it can be very hard for older kids to get a steady placement.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I''m glad that your grandmother found such a loving family and enjoyed a successful life. I would point out though, there is a world of difference between fostering and adoption and at least in the UK, foster carers can be put under a fair bit of pressure to take any child who needs care. Matching a child to a family won''t always happen in the fostering world, because sometimes the child''s needs make family life incredibly difficult regardless of the family , and sometimes it''s an emergency situation. Support systems will vary hugely by area and in my experience, can be rather hit or miss.

All that said, no, I don''t think you''re crazy and I would support you every step of the way if this is something you can do.

 

[Maisie]

My sister left all of her 5 children to marry a man who was in prison for child molestation. We agreed to take my youngest niece in (aged 2). She was displaying unusual behaviours while naked and I reported it to the social worker immediately. 6 months later my niece went into foster care and the carer noticed this behaviour. She reported it to the social worker and suddenly me, my husband and children were all under suspicion. It was awful. We eventually had the social worker admit that she did note down our concerns at the time we reported them but didn''t follow up. Consequently we were subjected to scrutiny for absolutely nothing.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I''m so sorry to hear that, Maisie. I observed some excellent practice when I worked with social workers, and I also saw some exhausted people who were fire fighting one emergency after another and at the end of their rope. The consequences are devastating and I''m so very sorry that you had this experience.

It does illustrate one of the aspects of fostering that anyone considering it should be aware of- every single aspect of your family life, finances, opinions and personality is open to official scrutiny. In terms of child protection, that''s as it should be. In terms of privacy and normal family life, I would think it would be difficult.

 

[Pandora II]

I''d agree that adoption and fostering are worlds apart. I''d be far more likely to adopt than foster.

Also agree that for all the spiel they give out, the support systems can be less than good. Half the time they KNOW that x child is a nightmare and keep schtum in the hope of getting x weeks before they have to move them again.

The most successful foster carers I have met have grown-up children and have 4 or 5 kids at a time. They are rigid parenters, lots of love given but very firm rules - heck I''m scared of these ladies at times! They also have nothing that they are sentimental about, so no pets that can be killed, valuables that can be broken/stolen etc.

Sorry to paint a bleak picture... I''m a ''Corporate Parent'' to well over 100 children and so get to hear what happens to them regularly. Success stories are rather rare despite the money and care thrown at the situation.

If you do decide to foster, I wish you lots of luck.

Fisher would be a good person to give advice - she''s in the USA and works in child protection.