For those who chose not to have children

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Hello,

I had a question for those of you who chose not to have children.

Do you regret it? Are you happy with your decision? Do you wish you would have done anything differently?

Hubby and I are childless, and looking towards the future and would love to hear your thoughts.


Thanks!

 

[nala]

Does it count if I chose not to have children with my second hubby? I have DD from first marriage but chose not to with my second and every now and then, I do get pangs of regret. Even though I have experienced motherhood, I have to remind myself that choosing not to and thereby depriving current hubby of that experience was the right choice for me. It took 4 adults to raise my daughter—tbh—we put her first and shared custody. She turned out great! And I got to enjoy half of my time with just hubby and really catering to our relationship which is going strong and very satisfying. I think that for me, adding another child Carried a huge risk that I was not willing to take. Hubby and I love each other dearly. He has never once reproached me for our choice and is very happy. Hope this helps. To be quite frank, I had a hard time coping with all things motherhood and when I see friends my age raising their children—I don’t have any regrets. I’m 48 and many of my friends still have kids under 10. I have zero energy or interest in living that life. That’s why I say it took 4 of us to do it the first time around.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Does it count if I chose not to have children with my second hubby? I have DD from first marriage but chose not to with my second and every now and then, I do get pangs of regret. Even though I have experienced motherhood, I have to remind myself that choosing not to and thereby depriving current hubby of that experience was the right choice for me. It took 4 adults to raise my daughter—tbh—we put her first and shared custody. She turned out great! And I got to enjoy half of my time with just hubby and really catering to our relationship which is going strong and very satisfying. I think that for me, adding another child Carried a huge risk that I was not willing to take. Hubby and I love each other dearly. He has never once reproached me for our choice and is very happy. Hope this helps.

Thanks for your response! do you think if you didn't already have a daughter from a previous marriage that you and hubby would have had kids?

Me and my hubby are childless.

 

[nala]

Thanks for your response! do you think if you didn't already have a daughter from a previous marriage that you and hubby would have had kids?

Me and my hubby are childless.

I didn’t plan the first. I wouldn’t go out of my way to plan a child. I didn’t see the need to reproduce, tbh. You just have to be sure of your decision. Parenting is hard. Looking back, the first 3 years that it was just the two of us, ex and I raising DD—and she was a good baby—were miserable for me. Pregnancy—gross. Delivery—traumatizing. Diapers. Lack of sleep. Packing for the sitter. Sitter issues. Staying at home with one child all day—maddening. Children’s sports—Ugh. I’m not about that life.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I didn’t plan the first. I wouldn’t go out of my way to plan a child. I didn’t see the need to reproduce, tbh. You just have to be sure of your decision. Parenting is hard. Looking back, the first 3 years that it was just the two of us, ex and I raising DD—and she was a good baby—were miserable for me. Pregnancy—gross. Delivery—traumatizing. Diapers. Lack of sleep. Packing for the sitter. Sitter issues. Staying at home with one child all day—maddening. Children’s sports—Ugh. I’m not about that life.

Thank you for your honest reply! It is SO helpful. Many people feel the need to sugar coat everything and that makes it hard for people like me to make educated decisions.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I cannot speak from personal experience since my husband and I both really wanted kids, and 1 month into dating we were planning on when we'd start having kids. My brother and SIL met when when he was 37 and she was 33, and married shortly after. Both were advancing nicely in their chosen careers, and they also loved to travel, and loves an orderly, quiet, and clean house. They decided while dating that they would be happy without children, because they were not the type to gush over any babies. 2.5 years after they were married and with my brother's 40th birthday looming, he suddenly had a change of heart, and he wanted to have a child! My SIL was 36 at the time, and kind of on the fence, so they decided if they were able to get pregnant easily without help, they would go for it....if they tried and failed, they would accept the hand dealt to them, and remain childless. Lo and behold, she got pregnant within 2 months of trying, and the rest is history. They now have 2 kids under 10, and my kids are adults...(My brother and I are only a 1.5 years apart). Their only regret is that they didn't start having kids earlier, because my brother has premature gray, and get asked if his son (7) is his grandson!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I didn’t plan the first. I wouldn’t go out of my way to plan a child. I didn’t see the need to reproduce, tbh. You just have to be sure of your decision. Parenting is hard. Looking back, the first 3 years that it was just the two of us, ex and I raising DD—and she was a good baby—were miserable for me. Pregnancy—gross. Delivery—traumatizing. Diapers. Lack of sleep. Packing for the sitter. Sitter issues. Staying at home with one child all day—maddening. Children’s sports—Ugh. I’m not about that life.

OT: @nala, I thought we were very similar in a lot of ways (our likes and dislikes), but I had a very different experience. I loved every part of my pregnancies, I was glowing...enjoyed nursing until each of my kids was 1, and I still had my career (pumped milk for the sitter) during breaks at work....and I absolutely loved childrens' sports. Weekends running around with my kid's sports teams was the best thing ever, I miss it a lot now that my kids are not in any organized sports.

@Sprinkles&Stones, based on your post, you seem to be on the fence, and not fully decided. I would not base any decisions on what other couples who choose not to have children tell you. They may change their minds too (like my brother) in the story above.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

OT: @nala, I thought we were very similar in a lot of ways (our likes and dislikes), but I had a very different experience. I loved every part of my pregnancies, I was glowing...enjoyed nursing until each of my kids was 1, and I still had my career (pumped milk for the sitter) during breaks at work....and I absolutely loved childrens' sports. Weekends running around with my kid's sports teams was the best thing ever, I miss it a lot now that my kids are not in any organized sports.

@Sprinkles&Stones, based on your post, you seem to be on the fence, and not fully decided. I would not base any decisions on what other couples who choose not to have children tell you. They may change their minds too (like my brother) in the story above.

I am on the fence, however hearing other people's experiences is exactly what I am looking for.

 

[jaysonsmom]

My brother and SIL went 180 degrees, they both went from not wanting kids in their 30s to present day, and said they would have had more than 2 if their age permitted!

Here's a recent picture of my "little brother" with his kids. He is now proud soccer coach and Indian Princess dad.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

My brother and SIL went 180 degrees, they both went from not wanting kids in their 30s to present day, and said they would have had more than 2 if their age permitted!

Here's a recent picture of my "little brother" with his kids. He is now proud soccer coach and Indian Princess dad.

cute!

we've been together for 12 years, and are still on the fence. We have a few more years to decide before it's too late. We're still mulling it through.

 

[marymm]

Even before we met each other, I never wanted children, and my husband never wanted children -- together we never wanted children -- and to this day (25 years married next month), we agree being childless was perfectly right for us -- individually we were never on the fence, and together we never were on the fence -- never a moment of wondering, never a moment of wanting, never a ticking biological clock -- that's our experience.

 

[elizat]

It's a complicated decision. I'm 40. I assumed I'd have children. I didn't meet someone until I was in my 30's and he already had a child. He didn't want more.

I never actively wanted them but assumed I'd probably do it, because it's just something many people do. Like getting married in your 20's. That never happened either for me.

I wouldn't change it. I occasionally think infants and toddlers are cute, but I'm glad they aren't mine. Living with a now teenage boy, that's not the most fun either.

I had a lot of reasons to not reproduce and I'll leave it at that. I don't regret not becoming a mother. I'll probably end up alone in old age without anyone that gives a care about what happens to me, but a child would not guarantee that either.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Even before we met each other, I never wanted children, and my husband never wanted children -- together we never wanted children -- and to this day (25 years married next month), we agree being childless was perfectly right for us -- individually we were never on the fence, and together we never were on the fence -- never a moment of wondering, never a moment of wanting, never a ticking biological clock -- that's our experience.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience!

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

It's a complicated decision. I'm 40. I assumed I'd have children. I didn't meet someone until I was in my 30's and he already had a child. He didn't want more.

I never actively wanted them but assumed I'd probably do it, because it's just something many people do. Like getting married in your 20's. That never happened either for me.

I wouldn't change it. I occasionally think infants and toddlers are cute, but I'm glad they aren't mine. Living with a now teenage boy, that's not the most fun either.

I had a lot of reasons to not reproduce and I'll leave it at that. I don't regret not becoming a mother. I'll probably end up alone in old age without anyone that gives a care about what happens to me, but a child would not guarantee that either.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience! That's a good point too

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I think some of these choices have to do with age. If you are young you will weather the beginning. I'm like Nala. I was so sick and hated being pregnant, taking care of this small thing scared me. As age 3 approached I loved being a mother. I had a second child, who was quite ill, and I lost him when he was six. Too, too hard. No more children.
I divorced and met a lovely guy. I knew he would want children, but after being together for 3 years, he informed me he wanted six. He was serious. We parted. I was 34. Where or how would I produce these children. I wanted a better life, not a worse one. He married a younger woman and had six children. I had no more and am very happy with that. The first child who I loved dearly, also caused me much pain as he got older. I would not have any children if I had it to do, all over again.
Annette

 

[Mreader]

I didn't want kids and was never the type to gush over them, in fact I always felt awkward and uncomfortable around kids lol. Cats - super cute; babies - not so much. DH and I were together 7 years before getting married, and were married 11 years before having a child. He was ok either having or not having, more on the "want them" but not enough to pressure me (thank goodness). We also decided to try and if it worked it worked and if not ok. I also got pregnant quickly, and delivered at 40. I LOVE my son but the first year was traumatic for me because he had colic and the sleeplessness just killed me. There were other big life things that went on at the same time (death of a parent, move to another city when he was just one month old) so I felt that also made the infant stage far less enjoyable. To this day my sleep isn't the same - I truly understand how sleep deprivation is a form of torture. But my friend's kid slept through the night after the first month! So you never know what you're going to get! Anyway I am so glad that I have him in my life but it is the toughest thing I have ever done. It can be rewarding and fulfilling but also hard af. Oh, and I still don't really like other peoples' kids that much.

ETA - I also haven't hit teen years or any of that hard stuff, and you just never know. He's only 6 right now and this stage is much more fulfilling than the earlier years for me.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Hi,

I think some of these choices have to do with age. If you are young you will weather the beginning. I'm like Nala. I was so sick and hated being pregnant, taking care of this small thing scared me. As age 3 approached I loved being a mother. I had a second child, who was quite ill, and I lost him when he was six. Too, too hard. No more children.
I divorced and met a lovely guy. I knew he would want children, but after being together for 3 years, he informed me he wanted six. He was serious. We parted. I was 34. Where or how would I produce these children. I wanted a better life, not a worse one. He married a younger woman and had six children. I had no more and am very happy with that. The first child who I loved dearly, also caused me much pain as he got older. I would not have any children if I had it to do, all over again.
Annette

Thank you so much for your vulnerability in your response. I really appreciate it <3

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I didn't want kids and was never the type to gush over them, in fact I always felt awkward and uncomfortable around kids lol. Cats - super cute; babies - not so much. DH and I were together 7 years before getting married, and were married 11 years before having a child. He was ok either having or not having, more on the "want them" but not enough to pressure me (thank goodness). We also decided to try and if it worked it worked and if not ok. I also got pregnant quickly, and delivered at 40. I LOVE my son but the first year was traumatic for me because he had colic and the sleeplessness just killed me. There were other big life things that went on at the same time (death of a parent, move to another city when he was just one month old) so I felt that also made the infant stage far less enjoyable. To this day my sleep isn't the same - I truly understand how sleep deprivation is a form of torture. But my friend's kid slept through the night after the first month! So you never know what you're going to get! Anyway I am so glad that I have him in my life but it is the toughest thing I have ever done. It can be rewarding and fulfilling but also hard af. Oh, and I still don't really like other peoples' kids that much.

ETA - I also haven't hit teen years or any of that hard stuff, and you just never know. He's only 6 right now and this stage is much more fulfilling than the earlier years for me.

oh my! I cannot handle sleep deprivation at all so I totally feel for you! Thank you for sharing!

 

[lala646]

DH and I met right before we both turned 40. I had never really wanted children but, for him, I agreed to try. He REALLY wanted a baby. I saw fertility specialists off and on for the last 5 years, and it was exhausting both physically and emotionally, and honestly, is the only thing that's ever caused strife in our relationship. After multiple IVF attempts, we were not able to conceive, and we've finally stopped trying. I didn't want to adopt or use an egg donor. I think in the long run I'm going to be happier childless than he will, but this is the hand fate has dealt us. I tend to focus on the freedom this gives us, but he really tends to dwell on how we're going to be alone in our older years.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Sprinkles--I can't offer advice as I have children.
It is a huge decision and I will say that you have to be all in---both of you.
IDK--would it be helpful to talk with a counselor about this?

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

DH and I met right before we both turned 40. I had never really wanted children but, for him, I agreed to try. He REALLY wanted a baby. I saw fertility specialists off and on for the last 5 years, and it was exhausting both physically and emotionally, and honestly, is the only thing that's ever caused strife in our relationship. After multiple IVF attempts, we were not able to conceive, and we've finally stopped trying. I didn't want to adopt or use an egg donor. I think in the long run I'm going to be happier childless than he will, but this is the hand fate has dealt us. I tend to focus on the freedom this gives us, but he really tends to dwell on how we're going to be alone in our older years.

thank you for sharing!

Both DH and my families experienced infertility. IVF, adoption, egg donor and sperm donor. It tore their marriage apart and eventually lead to the end of the marriage. DH and I have not had an easy life being the product of forced conception, either. I really respect you and DH for your decision and I understand how hard it must have been. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Sprinkles--I can't offer advice as I have children.
It is a huge decision and I will say that you have to be all in---both of you.
IDK--would it be helpful to talk with a counselor about this?

Yes! We are seeing a counselor about this

 

[lala646]

thank you for sharing!

Both DH and my families experienced infertility. IVF, adoption, egg donor and sperm donor. It tore their marriage apart and eventually lead to the end of the marriage. DH and I have not had an easy life being the product of forced conception, either. I really respect you and DH for your decision and I understand how hard it must have been. Thank you for sharing.

There is one piece of advice I will offer. I'm not sure of your age, but if you are thinking about children, even the option, do try to have an idea of your ovarian reserves. Through this very long process, and the many people I've met going through it, it's been truly eye opening that women are really sold a bill of goods about our own fertility, and the limitations of modern technology. The reproductive medicine industry would have us believe they can give anyone a baby at any age, and women can postpone to their hearts' desire. While that may be true for the lucky few, it should not be taken for granted.

 

[Matata]

I knew from the time I was a pre-teen that I didn't want children and more than 6 decades into this life, I've not had one moment of regret. It was an easy decision for me because I never liked kids and have always preferred being a momma to animals. I read some interesting articles lately about how having children negatively affects a marriage although most parents still say they don't regret having their kids. I think they just regret having to go through childhood. Raising kids is tough and consumes life. I could travel and spend my money and time as I liked without having to worry about providing for a child until it could support itself.

I had a tubal ligation in my 20's to ensure I wouldn't get pregnant. Prior to that procedure, I used to have dreams that I was pregnant and refused to have the baby and that I was in a delivery room having so many babies at one time that the doctor was stacking them up like cords of wood. I took that as a pretty strong omen that motherhood wasn't for me.

I inherited 2 stepsons with my 2nd marriage. They were 7 and 11 and I resented every moment I spent with them which was every weekend. They were noisy, smelly, loud and one had ADHD so bad I thought it would have been a mercy if he hadn't been born. Happy ending though, they grew up to love me in spite of my efforts to get my husband to trade them in and adopt a dog

 

[SparklieBug]

DH and I are childless by choice. I dearly love our various nieces and nephews, and love being around them, and really enjoy others' children—and am so happy when everyone goes home and we are in peace and non-chaos again.

When I was a young woman, one of my clients, a successful physician with kids and grandkids, advised that if she had it all to do again, even though she loved her offspring, she would not have them. That really got my attention and got me to thinking why I might want to have kids. Or not.

Again, as a young woman, another client in the family-care field, advised that just because people have children, it doesn't mean that said children will be there for the parents in their old age. She regaled me with experiences of neglect, and or elders in care homes being abandoned by their adult children. Wow.

I had never experienced that time-clock-ticking urge to have kids, and was almost allergic to babies. LOL! As a young adult, a baby could take one look at me and start wailing. That really put me off. Plus..."spit-up" (be honest, it's vomit), and "poopie" diapers (full-blown, adult-style feces), "cute, precocious" behavior (that's a tantrum) and so on, didn't endear the thought of parenthood to me. I've only changed one "poopie" diaper ( two-year-old my nephew) and wore a charcoal mask to do so. I still gagged.

I never babysat, so that may have colored my experience.

DH and I discussed kids right at the beginning of our relationship and we were on the same page. He's great with babies, no twitchy stomach like me, LOL! These days, I'm fine with babies and they even tolerate me. We've been married 28 years and there are zero regrets at all.

ETA: As a young woman, once I realized I didn't want children, when people used to ask me why not, I used to joke that the only way I'd have kids is to adopt a gorgeous 23-year-old—when I was 40.

 

[seaurchin]

Interesting discussion. So many different outlooks. I have always been crazy about babies and raising my kids was the most meaningful thing I ever did.

But I also think that the last thing this old world needs is more people and I'm sure there are also many other paths to fulfillment.

I'd guess a lot of people who do regret having kids don't want to say so. They might feel like it's disloyal to their child or worry about being harshly judged for it.

 

[MrsBlue]

There are different kinds of happiness.

I do have a child. My pregnancy was difficult and the little guy didn't sleep through the night until he was 5. Motherhood filled me with immense joy at times (hey! i can feel the baby moving!) but also made me feel fragile and exhausted (hey! the baby had a diaper explosion at 2am!). I never felt strong enough or secure enough to do it again and I am very happy that he's all grown up now.

I agree that women in previous generations sugar-coated motherhood due to social pressure and limited opportunities. Living for yourself, for work, for charity, for travel, for cats, plants, and extra diamonds--those are all great and valid things. Those choices aren't better or worse than motherhood--they just represent a different kind of happiness.

 

[Bron357]

I divorced my first husband after he “came clean” about never wanting children. The reasons over the years for “delaying” where just an excuse and he was hoping I would “get over it”. So I was divorced at 39 and had accepted, going forward, I would be childless and single. Nope, within the year I had a new partner, DH and a baby.
Fast forward 20 odd years and DD is at uni and thriving.
Babies are hard work.
They really change your life and the dynamics of the relationship. Like owning a pet, but 1,000 times worse, children change plans. Dinner at a nice restaurant becomes drive through McDonalds, a relaxing holiday has to include child activities, a pool etc etc etc. then there’s schooling and sports and trying to have an adult life inbetween. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret one bit having DD but it was full of “oh my God” and “aaahhhhh ggggrrrrrr” times.
You never have to justify your choices to anyone, some people aren’t wanting to start a family and instead concentrate on their partnered life and their individual interests. That’s perfectly fine.

 

[SparklieBug]

But I also think that the last thing this old world needs is more people and I'm sure there are also many other paths to fulfillment.

^ This was a huge factor for DH and I. If we didn't have children, the human race would not fail. Over-population is a huge factor that's rarely directly addressed.

 

[Un_Petit_Rayon_de_Soleil]

This is such a tough subject for many. Especially because what is ideal for some isn't for others. People expect couples to have babies. It's whispered about if they don't. I have heard people called selfish for choosing not to. Selfish for whom? I always feel like people have to do what's best for them and admire people who know what they want.

I have 4 kids. The oldest being 24, second is 22, 3rd is 18 and the youngest is 17. I am 45. I had my tubes tied after my daughter's birth. My husband and I both wanted a large family and did exactly that. I loved all of the stages. We decided when I was 43 that we would like to have another baby because we missed it. It ended in loss and was a difficult process. We ultimately decided not to continue with the process and we just enjoy the family we do have. It took a bit to come to terms with that but have embraced the new path.

The point of my post is that if you decide to have children, great! If you do not.....that is equally great. I would suggest if you are on the fence to consider the difficulty in having children later in life. I got pregnant when I wanted to each time when I was young and had very limited egg follicles in my 40s and those I did have were not great. It wasn't really something that I considered or thought would be an issue. The loss was difficult and the whole process was invasive.

I wish you all the best and no matter what you decide it won't be the wrong decision.