Home For those of you with differing opinions than your spouse about children

[KimberlyH]

Katamari, it is much more clear now that you have spent much time giving this subject the consideration it needs and deserves. It''s not an easy choice to make for thoughtful people who have other priorities. The fact that you are capable of responding so thoughtfully, rather than becoming defensive, is quite indicative of your maturity regarding the subject, which is wonderful. I don''t think anyone truly knows what they are in for until they become a parent (at almost 4 months pregnant it still seems so abstract that I and my husband will be wholly responsible for another human being this coming spring). Sometimes parenthood ends up being a large disappointment, but I believe that is much more common for people who have children because it''s just what you do, not because it''s something they''ve thought long and hard about. I wish you and your husband much luck.

 

[noelwr]

I agree with others that from your other posts we know that you are a reasonable and intelligent woman, and I think your emotions and thoughts are normal. I actually think it's great that you are putting so much thought into it. it's just probably not the right time for you yet. when you are ready, I know you will give it 200% and any child will be lucky to have you as a mother.

oh, and I can't really comment on how we resolve our arguments. usually if we know it will make one of us really unhappy, we drop it, as we both just want to make each other happy. also we have similar goals in life so we don't run into this problem often.

 

[Octavia]

I''m a little late to this thread, but I wanted to say that I do understand where you''re coming from, katamari. FI and I are a little like that, although closer on the spectrum. I never wanted kids at all before he and I were together, and even though I do want to raise a family with him, it''s not something I NEED in order for my life to feel complete. I still have no interest whatsoever in being pregnant, and don''t care about having a biological child -- I''m sure we''ll go that route first and try to adopt if it doesn''t work, but not because I have a burning desire to pass on my genes. FI, on the other hand, can''t really imagine a child-free life. We''ve discussed what would happen if, for some reason, children never come into our lives, and while he would deal with it, I can tell that the thought of not having biological children, as well as not having kids at all, really bothers him. So, while we''re not really that far apart on the issue of having kids at some point, our compromise is more about what we''d do if it doesn''t happen easily. He respects that I will not try any invasive techniques, while I respect that we''ll try in whatever other ways we can. Hopefully it will never be an issue, but at least we know going into our marriage where the lines are.

I think that things will work out for you, katamari -- it''s good that you''re thinking about them now, but one way or another, I''m sure you and your husband will make decisions that are right for you, at the right time.

 

[neatfreak]

Kata I also have to commend you on coming back and writing such a heartfelt post. The second had a distinctly different tone than the first one-and I think now we all understand that this is something you are giving a lot of thought to.

I agree with Kimberly that there are so many kids who are a "bother" to their parents (or even one of their parents) and it is very obvious who these children are. I feel so bad for them that I really feel strongly that only those who truly want children should have them.

Hang in there-the decision will become clear to you and I urge you to follow your heart with this important decision.

 

[katamari]

Wow! Thank you all so much for the support. While I still wish I would have articulated my feelings and situation better from the start, it really is times like these that make me realize why I value being a part of the PS community so much.

 

[DearBuddha]

Katamari-I''m sorry to say this, but Vesper is right on the money. While I respect your point of view (as I used to abhor the thought of children myself), it is very underhanded to let your DH contemplate kids while you just ride life out until menopause. You made a promise to consider having kids with him, but it sounds like you just made the promise to seal the wedding deal.

Now, I don''t know you, and I don''t know your life circumstances. From your posts here on PS, you seem to be a lovely, caring and happy woman. But this is a big no-no. It''s just not right, and the kids situation is one that needs to be discussed in heavy detail between you and DH STAT. Don''t let your happiness and your relationship go under over an issue like this, because it can and will very quickly.

And please don''t see this as an attack on your choices, as everyone is entitled to their own path and no one else is free to tread on that. But that includes your husband, too, and clearly, he sees children in his future.