FI''s parents not attending RD and other rants..long

[zoebartlett]

This has been bugging me since I heard about it but I hesitated to post the situation. I''d love to get your advice on what, if anything, we should do.

About a week ago my FI and I were visiting his parents at their house. His dad was elsewhere at the time of this conversation, so it was just my FI, his mom, and me in the room at the time. His mom mentioned that she and his dad might not go to the RD, then asked if this was okay with us. Um, what? Let me back up a bit. Ever since we began planning, my FI has told me that his parents don''t know anything about planning a wedding, but I didn''t think he was giving them enough credit. He has older, married siblings, but I don''t think their weddings were traditional (maybe just a simple BBQ in the backyard -- no fuss).

His parents are giving us some $ to help pay for whatever aspect of the wedding we need it to cover. That is very generous. My parents and his parents have only met once, and other than the money, they haven''t offered to help at all. When my sister got married, her future in-laws and my parents spoke often and met a few times to plan the RD and the recpetion food. There hasn''t been one conversation between my parents and my FI''s however. I''m sure if we asked for help on a specific task, they''d be happy to help, but they''ve been very hands off. THey''re not adding anyone to the guest list...no one. It''s totally up to us to do whatever we want. They don''t seem to want to be involved.

So back to the RD. My FI''s parents are homebodies. They like their own things, their own food, their own everything. They''re not planning on staying overnight the night before or the night of the wedding. They live about an hour or so from the town the festivities are. His mom said to me that she knows we''re (my side) having a lot of out of town guests arrive the night before, so at first I thought she thought they''d be intruding. My FI doesn''t think this is the case. He just thinks they have no idea that they''re expected to attend the RD. His mom has asked a while ago what the purpose of one was. I don''t think she knew what it was. I really don''t understand how you could NOT know, but whatver. My FI wasn''t surprised at all that his mom asked if it was okay if they just come for the wedding. I was floored...and really bothered.

My FI will probably talk to his parents and tell them that we''d really like them there, but I don''t think he''s going to mention that they''re expected. They probably wouldn''t feel comfortable anyway. Ughh!

I do really like my future in-laws but they don''t get out much...literally. They''re very hands-off types in many ways, which has always bothered me, but there''s nothing I can do about that. Sorry for rambling!

 

[jesterjigger]

My future in laws have decided they''re not coming to the rehearsal...so we''re not having a dinner. They are also giving us $2,000 less than they said they would...of course, they decide that three weeks before the wedding, instead of some point during the YEAR and a HALF that we''ve been planning it. So I feel your pain!

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m sorry that happened! Were you upset that your FI''s parents said they weren''t coming to your RD?

 

[cara]

Sit down with the in-laws, explain that the RD is a traditional event and that you would really like them to be there. Both of you.

Prior, explain to your FI that although his parents are homebodies and clueless on wedding etiquette, you would really like them to come, and their absence would be noticed if they did not attend.

Of course you can''t and shouldn''t force them. And they are free to turn down your request after you have explained the significance of it. But as it stands now, it sounds like they have no idea what a rehearsal dinner is and thus you should clearly explain the tradition (like its another culture) before holding it against them that they don''t want to play.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hey, Zoe!!

My FH''s parents are serious homebodies as well and we''re seriously doubting that they show up at the RD. They tend to not be so gung-ho on wedding stuff, which is perfectly fine. In fact, we''re not even having a traditional rehearsal dinner. I''m hosting a wiffle ball tournament, so I''m not asking them to come to anything formal.

The thing is, I want them to be comfortable. If coming to the RD would make them uneasy, then they don''t have to come. I want to make sure to extend a warm welcome and make sure they know we WANT them to come, but beyond that it''s up to them.

Neither sets of our parents are involved financially or otherwise, which we appreciate. It sounds like your FH''s parents were very generous to give you a set amount for the wedding and didn''t try to micromanage their contribution at all. It sounds like your in-laws are similar to mine: not so excited about anything wedding-related.

All you can do is invite them and if they don''t come, don''t take it personally. Some people really hate these things and it has absolutely nothing to do with how they feel or how they feel about you getting married. They just like staying home.

 

[Gypsy]

Despite board popular belief, I don''t believe you have to live under a rock to not know about wedding rehersals-- they aren''t common in most cultures from what I understand. Now, the parents asking if they should attend the actual wedding would have completely floored me too.

I would just get together with them and tell them you''d like their support during the event, if they feel comfortable. Good luck!

 

[zoebartlett]

My FI has explained the purpose of having a RD but it''s not something his parents seem to understand. I''m trying not to get upset -- I know it''s a foreign concept to his parents. The thing is, we decided that it would be fun to have a more casual, laid back RD, and we thought this would be more his parents'' style. We thought about having it at a restaurant but we wouldn''t be able to invite as many people as we would like (about 50, maybe). We found out that we could rent the lawn in back of the hotel where everyone is staying (we''ll have our own building at the resort). We''re having a local BBQ restaurant cater the RD on the lawn. I can see if his parents wouldn''t feel comfortable at a formal place, but this is just a casual, getting to know you, welcoming guests type of event. Nothing fancy. Why wouldn''t they want to go? We would have asked their opinion but his parents wouldn''t have had any opinions whatsoever.

I guess I''m overreacting. We''ll explain it again in a different way and we''ll make sure they know they''re welcome (we have told them that before though). If they still choose not to go, I''ll accept it. It won''t go over well with my parents but oh well.

 

[decodelighted]

Oh foo. I see both sides. On one hand, if they just don''t want to come or two big "events" right on top of each other is too much for their socially phobic personalities -- obvs the wedding is more important. On the other hand, if they''re NOT there -- it kinda looks like they don''t "support" the wedding. It''d be difficult to explain to everyone the quirks of their personality.

How ''bout this: tell them its super casual and ask if they''d please "make an appearance". That''s different than asking them to "attend" -- because "making an appearance" is a freeing concept. They have permission to just "stop by" & "say hello" ... and then they can stay if they feel comfortable & relaxed ... or they can bolt if it''s too much for them or if they feel awkward.

Offering an "exit strategy" and not foisting the responsibility of a "party host" on them might just be a compromise everyone can live with.

Sorry this is happening but, honestly, I really don''t think it''s personal!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/24/2007 6:28:58 PM
Author: decodelighted
Oh foo. I see both sides. On one hand, if they just don''t want to come or two big ''events'' right on top of each other is too much for their socially phobic personalities -- obvs the wedding is more important. On the other hand, if they''re NOT there -- it kinda looks like they don''t ''support'' the wedding. It''d be difficult to explain to everyone the quirks of their personality.

How ''bout this: tell them its super casual and ask if they''d please ''make an appearance''. That''s different than asking them to ''attend'' -- because ''making an appearance'' is a freeing concept. They have permission to just ''stop by'' & ''say hello'' ... and then they can stay if they feel comfortable & relaxed ... or they can bolt if it''s too much for them or if they feel awkward.

Offering an ''exit strategy'' and not foisting the responsibility of a ''party host'' on them might just be a compromise everyone can live with.

Sorry this is happening but, honestly, I really don''t think it''s personal!

I''ve thought about that. I can hear it now:

Guests/Family: "Zoe, I''d love to meet your FI''s parents. Where are they?"
Me: "Ummm, they''re not here because they...[what, don''t feel like it?]"

Part of me just wants to say "suck it up"...this is part of your son''s wedding weekend. Two events we ask you to attend. Is that really too much?

I know it''s not personal. It just makes me mad.

 

[cara]

Date: 8/24/2007 6:16:18 PM
Author: zoebartlett
My FI has explained the purpose of having a RD but it''s not something his parents seem to understand...-- I know it''s a foreign concept to his parents...
we''ll make sure they know they''re welcome... If they still choose not to go, I''ll accept it. It won''t go over well with my parents...

So even though you have explained the purpose of the RD to them, and have said they will be welcome, have you explained that it is your family''s traditional culture and expectation that they attend and that their absense will be noticed? That you will have to make excuses for them? This is the one bit of the story I''m not clear on.

I just see it as a cultural issue. It seems that they should make a bit more effort to fulfill the expectations of a "foreign" culture than if they were just invited to a normal dinner.

But if they still balk, then of course let it go.

 

[isaku5]

I like what deco said . Invite them to drop by just to say hello to you and their son on the night of the RD, but don''t push the issue. I''m not super Mrs. Sociable either, but the thought of being part of a group of 50 would intimidate me too, but DH and I would attend ayway. We might excuse ourselves early, but we''d be there to show our support for at least an hour.

Are they from another culture (if this is too intrusive, don''t bother to answer)? If so, they may not be aware of the tradition that usually the groom''s parents actually host the RD. On the flip side, if we were hosting a RD for our DS and FDIL we wouldn''t expect them to invite fifty people. After all, the big celebration should be the actual wedding the next day.

When our son was married almost 15 years ago we had a small RD for the parents on both sides and the wediing party - that was it. The groom''s parents at our daughter''s first wedding prepared a lovely dinner for the wedding party and parents only at their home. For the second marriage of DD there was a huge dinner at the groom''s home for as many as fit in the house .

I guess it''s a matter of "whatever floats your boat", but honestly if you want DF''s parents to feel comfortable, pare down that RD guest list.

Just my .02

 

[risingsun]

I think you should help them feel comfortable, whatever they decide. If anyone asks about their absence, you can respond that " Sue and John were not able to be here this evening. We're so looking forward to seeing them at the wedding!" If said with warm emotions, I shouldn't think anyone will raise an eyebrow

<-----couldn't help myself...

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/24/2007 6:54:15 PM
Author: cara

Date: 8/24/2007 6:16:18 PM
Author: zoebartlett
My FI has explained the purpose of having a RD but it''s not something his parents seem to understand...-- I know it''s a foreign concept to his parents...
we''ll make sure they know they''re welcome... If they still choose not to go, I''ll accept it. It won''t go over well with my parents...

So even though you have explained the purpose of the RD to them, and have said they will be welcome, have you explained that it is your family''s traditional culture and expectation that they attend and that their absense will be noticed? That you will have to make excuses for them? This is the one bit of the story I''m not clear on.

I just see it as a cultural issue. It seems that they should make a bit more effort to fulfill the expectations of a ''foreign'' culture than if they were just invited to a normal dinner.

But if they still balk, then of course let it go.

Actually, my FI and I are from the same culture (and religion). I would definitely understand more and be totally accepting of the notion that they wouldn''t have the slightest idea of what this tradition is all about if they were of a different culture. When I said it''s a "foreign concept" to them earlier, I meant that to be tongue in cheek, not literal. We haven''t actually told his parents that their absence would be noticed. My FI doesn''t want to hurt their feelings by pressing the issue too much with them. He''s willing to talk to them but I don''t know if he wants to go as far as saying that their absence will be noticed. I did tell them that they''re certainly invited and welcome to come, but I was surprised at the time, so I didn''t go into it too much either. They''re very much set in their ways (not rudely but they have their ways and habits).

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/24/2007 7:00:29 PM
Author: isaku5
I like what deco said . Invite them to drop by just to say hello to you and their son on the night of the RD, but don''t push the issue. I''m not super Mrs. Sociable either, but the thought of being part of a group of 50 would intimidate me too, but DH and I would attend ayway. We might excuse ourselves early, but we''d be there to show our support for at least an hour.

Are they from another culture (if this is too intrusive, don''t bother to answer)? If so, they may not be aware of the tradition that usually the groom''s parents actually host the RD. On the flip side, if we were hosting a RD for our DS and FDIL we wouldn''t expect them to invite fifty people. After all, the big celebration should be the actual wedding the next day.

When our son was married almost 15 years ago we had a small RD for the parents on both sides and the wediing party - that was it. The groom''s parents at our daughter''s first wedding prepared a lovely dinner for the wedding party and parents only at their home. For the second marriage of DD there was a huge dinner at the groom''s home for as many as fit in the house .

I guess it''s a matter of ''whatever floats your boat'', but honestly if you want DF''s parents to feel comfortable, pare down that RD guest list.

Just my .02

They don''t know that the groom''s family hosts the RD. My FI will call them and explain it to them. I know that 50 people is a lot, but I have aunts, uncles, and cousins (all from out of town), and my FI has 4 siblings and nieces and nephews. His nieces and nephews are only about 2-15 years younger than my FI, so he thinks of them as cousins almost. I''m not sure that makes sense. I''ve been invited to all my cousins'' RDs and I really want them there. My Fi really wants his nieces and nephews there too. Since it''s at the hotel where everyone is staying, it''s convenient for everyone (except his parents, who aren''t staying over, by choice).

We''ve thought about the guest list for a long time. Yes, we could have narrowed it down to immediate family and spouses only, but ther are othrs we really want to spend more time with, and they''re all flying in from all over the country. We consider the RD to be a way to welcome them to town as well as celebrate with us. I appreciate your thoughts : )

 

[Sabine]

This may sound weird, but do you think they are the kind of people who care about how others will view them? If so, they may actually be greatful to you if you explain to them that it will be noticed if they are not there because they are expected to be there. If not, well then, you may not even want to bring that up because it could be offensive to them and put additional pressure on them, you could just keep the focus on how much you want them there.

Also, do they have any other relatives who are going to attend the RD? If so, I''d really bring up that it would be a good chance for them to see their side of the family and welcome them.

 

[Gypsy]

Sometimes duty is all that gets the person out from under the rock. I would gently have FI tell them that he''s concerned it will look like you don''t have their full support if they don''t attend.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/24/2007 10:07:53 PM
Author: Gypsy
Sometimes duty is all that gets the person out from under the rock. I would gently have FI tell them that he''s concerned it will look like you don''t have their full support if they don''t attend.

Ditto.

 

[cara]

Zoe, I assumed you and your FI were from the same broad culture. But clearly you and your FILs have different versions of that culture, if your inlaws are clueless about the rehearsal dinner and its role as a "meeting of the families" event and your family will notice and remark upon their absence.

My only point was that you should tackle this cultural difference head-on, almost as if one of you was a WASP and one of you was Chinese. You might need to explain exactly what your family sees the RD as, and that your FILs'' presence is critical part of the traditional RD, so that at least your FILs know what they are doing when they turn down the invitation.

Otherwise they might think that they are just turning down a normal social dinner.

Or maybe you have done all this and they still don''t get it or want to come, in which case you are done.

 

[VRBeauty]

Zoe:

I had to go back and check the list... and saw that your wedding is almost a year away. Most normal people people don't plan even social events that far in advance, including details such as whether to stay in a hotel overnight for a destination that's only an hour from home. I'm not saying that your reaction is not normal, I'm just saying that brides as a class are in a different mode of advanced thinking and planning than most of the rest of the world, including, it seems, your FILs. You have plenty of time to see what's what. Here's what I'm gathering (and guessing) from what you've posted so far:

1) At this point you're hearing from your mother and fiance and trying to read between the lines. You haven't talked directly with your FILs about the rehearsal dinner or their participation.

2) Your family has big rehearsal dinners and sees them as an integral part of the wedding celebration. Your fiance's family does not, and your FILs have never been parents of the groom before.

3) Your FILs are homebodys. If they don't stay at the hotel, they'll be making two trips 2-hour round trips to the wedding site in two days. No big deal for some people, big deal for others.

4) You've already planned what the RD will be like and how large it will be.

I'm guessing that the FILs are aware that if there is a rehearsal dinner, the groom's parents traditionally host it. However, they aren't social butterflies, and don't expect a lot of relatives from their side of the family at or in the wedding... which would make the planning and hosting of an event of this sort both uncomfortable and difficult for them. They may have expected that the money they're contributing towards the wedding will cover the cost of the RD.

I'd suggest that you and DF chat with your FILs together. Let them know what you have in mind and why. Let them know that Of course you've earmarked the cash support they've provided towards the RD and that you consider them the hosts. Ask for their input and see if there are parts of your plans that you can change to make them more comfortable with it, and that would encourage them to attend.

As to them staying overnight in the the hotel... I suspect they'll change their tune as the time draws closer. Your role here may be to be sure there is a room available for them, even if DF has to pay for it himself. Maybe he would be able to make the case that it's important for him to be able to spend some time with them before his wedding.

Best wishes!