FI''s family finding out the price of the e-ring and turning very negative

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/26/2009 12:46:31 AM
Author: wenwen1111
When we were discussing the ering, he told me what he could afford at this stage so i said to him to contribute what he''d like and I''ll pay the rest to buy a nice ring. Whether he is going to contribute more at some time later is not an issue with me. As some people have pointed out, when we do get married, the finances will be shared so there''s no your money or my money boundary.


This issue I am having is that even when we have this all worked out ourselves and my FI does not need to take additional loan for the ring, they should not be making this a big deal but they are. That''s why I feel like emphasising the fact that I''m using mostly my own money, not their son''s although another poster also said that this won''t help either

Oh I see! If you both contributed then ok. Your first post to me came across as you buying it and having him pay you back.

Are you assuming they''ll treat you poorly or have they already treated you this way? If they are then that''s not fair especially if they don''t know that you had anything to do with the ring. I would not get involved in the discussion but would tell FI to make sure he sets them straight so that they don''t continue to get in your business in the future.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/26/2009 12:58:05 AM
Author: wenwen1111

Date: 10/26/2009 12:49:47 AM

Author: swingirl

Wait, I''m confused. Do the FILs know that you paid for it? Or are they thinking that FI went into debt for it?

They know I paid for it but they insist that he will have to pay back which I don''t understand why (Asian tradition?)

So did your FI always intend on contributing or is he contributing now because his family told him to?

 

[wenwen1111]

Date: 10/26/2009 12:59:43 AM
Author: fiery

Date: 10/26/2009 12:46:31 AM
Author: wenwen1111
When we were discussing the ering, he told me what he could afford at this stage so i said to him to contribute what he''d like and I''ll pay the rest to buy a nice ring. Whether he is going to contribute more at some time later is not an issue with me. As some people have pointed out, when we do get married, the finances will be shared so there''s no your money or my money boundary.


This issue I am having is that even when we have this all worked out ourselves and my FI does not need to take additional loan for the ring, they should not be making this a big deal but they are. That''s why I feel like emphasising the fact that I''m using mostly my own money, not their son''s although another poster also said that this won''t help either

Oh I see! If you both contributed then ok. Your first post to me came across as you buying it and having him pay you back.

Are you assuming they''ll treat you poorly or have they already treated you this way? If they are then that''s not fair especially if they don''t know that you had anything to do with the ring. I would not get involved in the discussion but would tell FI to make sure he sets them straight so that they don''t continue to get in your business in the future.

Well, due to their over protective nature of the son (being the only son now in the family line), they are fairly critical of me. And I don''t think it''s just me, they would be critical of any girl who takes on that role. I do feel that maybe the issue is deeper than the cost.

 

[wenwen1111]

He's contributed what is comfortable for him for the moment but the family's mindframe is that he needs to pay for the full cost eventually therefore he is ultimately paying too much.

 

[lovegem]

Date: 10/26/2009 1:18:28 AM
Author: wenwen1111

Date: 10/26/2009 12:59:43 AM

Author: fiery

Date: 10/26/2009 12:46:31 AM

Author: wenwen1111

When we were discussing the ering, he told me what he could afford at this stage so i said to him to contribute what he''d like and I''ll pay the rest to buy a nice ring. Whether he is going to contribute more at some time later is not an issue with me. As some people have pointed out, when we do get married, the finances will be shared so there''s no your money or my money boundary.



This issue I am having is that even when we have this all worked out ourselves and my FI does not need to take additional loan for the ring, they should not be making this a big deal but they are. That''s why I feel like emphasising the fact that I''m using mostly my own money, not their son''s although another poster also said that this won''t help either

Oh I see! If you both contributed then ok. Your first post to me came across as you buying it and having him pay you back.


Are you assuming they''ll treat you poorly or have they already treated you this way? If they are then that''s not fair especially if they don''t know that you had anything to do with the ring. I would not get involved in the discussion but would tell FI to make sure he sets them straight so that they don''t continue to get in your business in the future.

Well, due to their over protective nature of the son (being the only son now in the family line), they are fairly critical of me. And I don''t think it''s just me, they would be critical of any girl who takes on that role. I do feel that maybe the issue is deeper than the cost.

Sorry, I feel something is missing here. Did the parents help their son buy his house so that the son can get ahead (i.e. lend him or give him any money to buy his current house)? If the parents in anyway help the son to pay for the house or pay off the student loan so that the son can get ahead then I think the parents would definitely feel that your purchase of the ring would set him back $5000. and I could understand where the negative sentiment is coming from... otherwise.. it is none of their business.

 

[wenwen1111]

I could understand their concern. However my FI paid what he wanted to at this point in time and I chipped in the rest to upgrade to a quality I liked. He did not experience any trouble paying off the mortgage and is ahead of payments. No extra loan was undertaken, no fuss and no bad feelings.

I''ll update on how things go Sunday. Hopefully that''ll give them enough time to cool down.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 10/26/2009 12:50:54 AM
Author: kenny

Date: 10/26/2009 12:17:27 AM

Author: HollyS

Entire post deleted. It would do no good. My telling you that buying one''s own engagement ring does not an engagement ring make would simply fall on deaf ears.



Never mind.

Wow.


Your entire post was certainly not deleted.

Your post is quite there, and quite intolerant of diversity and critical on a matter that is nobody''s freaking business.


Just wow.


Again it is nobody''s business who pays.

Why do others have to follow certain rules, even if shared by the majority?

Maybe she makes more money than him.

Nothing wrong with that.


Sheesh!

Exactly - Holly, why bother pretending to take the high road and delete your post (because you know it''s potentially offensive), only to go ahead and make the comment anyways ??

you know what..never mind.

 

[cindygenit]

Seems to me like they should have kept quiet about their feelings re: your e-ring. I agree with you, i think they have bigger issues than the cost of the ring.

 

[bobbin]

There was mention of student loans as a reason for concern over the amount of the ring. Wenwen one of the other posters suggested you were Australian. If so I would just like to point out to all the other posters that student loans in Australia work differently - they are automatically granted by the government and it is not for the full cost of tuition - the government subsidises some of the cost. You do not have to py them back until you earn over approximately $38,000/annum. Payment is run through the tax office and is dependant on the amount you earn - eg you only pay what they determine you can afford. There is no time limit to pay them back, there is no impact on your credit rating and there is no interest on the loans, however the amount is indexed annually. EVERYONE in Australia has one of these loans if they went to university. People don''t really think about them too much because of the way they are run. I myself have a student debt of about $30,000.

But really, the point about his financial situation, who paid for what etc is completely irrelevant. What is relevant is that this is a matter concerning you and your FI ONLY. His parents opinion on the matter does not matter at all. There needs to be boundaries set for this. Your FI needs to do this, not you, as if you said something it would only add to any tension felt.

 

[hihowareyou]

I''m so sorry you are having to go though this wenwen1111

It is ok for parents to be concern about their children''s finances but it sounds like they are trying to make you feel terrible also. Don''t let them spoil your beautiful ring. It sounds to me like you both considered your respective budgets and have the mortgage covered too. Try not to let them get to you.

I know my future in-laws are not thrilled that he spent what he did on a ring. We''ve had a rough year with unemployment and a few things and they are constantly on our backs telling us we have to hurry up and buy our own home. In the end it is our savings that we worked hard for so we are in our right to spend it how we wish. Thankfully FI''s parents have done nothing but smile and look happy for us when they''ve seen it.

I asked FI not to tell anyone what it cost including his parents though they would have a pretty good idea since he used a credit card linked to their account to pay the import tax because he doesn''t have one himself

.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

If this is a cross cultural relationship, I'd just advice that you tread somewhat carefully as many asian countries have a very different idea of how family and money interact.

For example, in my family (and many families in my culture), the finances of the child is very closely tied to the parents because typically speaking, the parents save almost all their money to afford a good education and the best for their kids, and in the future will depend on the kids to provide for them when they get older. My mom and her siblings send my grandparents a percentage of their paychecks almost every month, above and beyond what she needs, because that's what is expected of "good children" to show respect to their parents. My cousins who are married, have husbands who similarly send checks to their parents. And many parents teach their kids to be extremely fiscally conservative, so they may just be a little scared and uncomfortable with your spending habits. A lot of asian families I know save more of their money than is necessary just because it's how they're taught to handle their money responsibly.


I've had to slowly explain things to my husband since it's DRASTICALLY different than how things are done here, but my parents and family aren't trying to be rude or offensive when they ask him how much the ring costs, when we plan to buy a house, how much money he makes and has invested etc. It's part of the culture they come from, and they probably don't think it's rude at all. So I'd just advise being somewhat gentle in drawing the new lines, since it's likely to take them awhile to adjust their thinking and expectations.

Believe me, asian parents can be really possessive and proud when it comes to their kids and how they raise them. It's often a touchy subject.

 

[Bliss]

To be honest, I am sure they would be unhappy with any situation - or your FI spending any money at all. It just seems that way from your writing that they are critical of everything when it comes to you. I am sure you are an awesome person, though! What would I do? This is the time to lay down the law, and FI has to do it. He has to tell them (even a traditional family will listen if he's serious) that it is between him and you. That's it. And that you deserve the best. And he's happy with the ring, so they should be. Period.

If the family is still supporting him - then, that makes some sense. But if they're not... they need to really realize that he's all grown up and isn't a child. I really hope that you get this resolved. If not, not everyone is super close with their in-laws. Maybe that's just the way they are and it'll take time or it won't. Either way, I hope you and your FI have an amazing marriage and life together. Oh - and enjoy your ring! It's really pretty.

 

[Clio]

Date: 10/26/2009 7:34:42 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade
If this is a cross cultural relationship, I''d just advice that you tread somewhat carefully as many asian countries have a very different idea of how family and money interact.

I''ve had to slowly explain things to my husband since it''s DRASTICALLY different than how things are done here, but my parents and family aren''t trying to be rude or offensive when they ask him how much the ring costs, when we plan to buy a house, how much money he makes and has invested etc. It''s part of the culture they come from, and they probably don''t think it''s rude at all. So I''d just advise being somewhat gentle in drawing the new lines, since it''s likely to take them awhile to adjust their thinking and expectations.

This is so true! I was initially taken aback at how openly my husband''s (Vietnamese) family discusses money, including income and how much things cost. To be honest, my in-laws know way more about our finances than I am really comfortable with, having been raised in a home where such things were never, ever discussed. It took me a while to adjust to the fact that this is how their culture is, but now I''m at a place where I can accept that.

 

[kenny]

I do agree that in America the primary unit is more the individual or the immediate family.
In many other cultures the extended family sticks together more.

I know Chinese and Vietnamese families here in the US which bought their first home with loans assembled from extended family members instead of using banks.
There is greater stigma about being in debt so these loans are frequently paid back quickly.
I think an Asian person in America is much more likely to live in a paid off home.
Then when older you are expected to help younger family members buy their first house.
It is a wonderful system, but you trade in some independence for cooperation.

The greater sense of autonomy and independence in the US may be related to it being a more affluent country.
Affluence buys independence for individuals and immediate families.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong or one way is superior, just pondering what is the cause of the different perspectives.

Marrying between such cultures brings the differences into sharp focus.

 

[Phoenix]

I haven't read all the responses but I read the last few responses and even though in the past I've been accused on PS of generalising about Asian traditions, customs and practices etc, I have to say that my family (Vietnamese) do not discuss money and how much things cost. My brothers and sisters in particular are pretty tight-lipped about how much money they have, how much they earn and how much they pay for their homes and other things. This is in sharp contrast to Singapore where my DH and I lived for 10 years. I remember how shocked I was when I first arrived there and my ex-colleagues as well as total strangers (for instance taxi drivers) had no qualm whatsover when it came to asking me how much my DH and I got paid, how much our apartment cost, how many children we have etc. Also, generally speaking, my family members don't borrow/ lend from/ to each other (although we did help my younger brother out when he ran into financial difficulties). I wonder if it's a function of the fact that my family lives in the UK (?).

Anyhow, to the original poster, I'm sorry to to hear about this. I hope you get it sorted out with yr FI's family.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 10/26/2009 9:48:00 AM
Author: kenny
I do agree that in America the primary unit is more the individual or the immediate family.

In many other cultures the extended family sticks together more.
I know Chinese and Vietnamese families here in the US which bought their first home with loans assembled from extended family members instead of using banks.

Then when older you are expected to help younger family members buy their first house.
It is a wonderful system, but you trade in some independence for cooperation.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong or one way is superior, just pondering what is the cause of the different perspectives.

Marrying between such cultures brings the differences into sharp focus.

Haha, yup. My husband is still slowly getting used to being part of a Chinese family. Luckily for me he's a very patient and understanding man. He even gave up his new ps3 to appease my mom.

I do think the educating goes both ways, things will go more smoothly if you try to understand them while trying to get them to understand you. I definitely can understand why you'd be upset at their reaction, but at the same time, it wouldn't hurt to try to understand where they are coming from.

I don't know how much you know of their family history, but I had explained to my husband that my parents grew up in a time where they had to hide money in the seams of their clothing and being able to buy fresh eggs was a rare luxury. So that's why they get kind of worried when we buy a new entertainment system even though we don't yet own a house of our own. To them, fiscal security and responsibility means something very different.

And yeah, as far as most in my family is concerned, being an "adult" doesn't just mean you can take care of yourself and your spouse. It means you have the maturity level and the means to take care of your future and previous generations. Going with the "it's my money, and I can spend it how I choose" might just make him seem more of a child in their eyes since they might have different expectations of what an adult's responsibilities are. So I'd try to approach this stuff tactfully, telling them to "mind their own business" probably isn't the best idea unless you and the fiance are prepared to have a very rocky relationship with them and the rest of his family, lol.

If you think the money stuff is tricky, wait till you get to the baby-stuff. I'm still trying to convince my parents not to move in with me while I'm pregnant.

 

[Camille]

None of their business, period. Hope the price wasn''t posted in FB

CONGRATS!

 

[TooPatient]

I think the last batch of posters have it right. This sounds like it has to do with cultural differences.

I''m not too familiar with Asian cultures and won''t try to say I am.

Could part of their problem be that YOU paid for part of the ring? Does his family see this as something that shouldn''t be done? He is the man and it is his duty/honor/etc. to purchase a nice ring FOR you?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 10/26/2009 12:50:54 AM
Author: kenny

Date: 10/26/2009 12:17:27 AM
Author: HollyS
Entire post deleted. It would do no good. My telling you that buying one''s own engagement ring does not an engagement ring make would simply fall on deaf ears.


Never mind.

Wow.

Your entire post was certainly not deleted.
Your post is quite there, and quite intolerant of diversity and critical on a matter that is nobody''s freaking business.

Just wow.

Again it is nobody''s business who pays.
Why do others have to follow certain rules, even if shared by the majority?
Maybe she makes more money than him.
Nothing wrong with that.

Sheesh!

Sheesh! right back at ya, buddy. The post is about the original poster. Again, it is not about those who respond. Your opinion of my opinion does not help the OP. Does it?



I

 

[Ali]

STAY ON TOPIC

 

[HollyS]

Date: 10/26/2009 3:24:17 AM
Author: arjunajane

Date: 10/26/2009 12:50:54 AM
Author: kenny

Date: 10/26/2009 12:17:27 AM

Author: HollyS

Entire post deleted. It would do no good. My telling you that buying one''s own engagement ring does not an engagement ring make would simply fall on deaf ears.



Never mind.

Wow.


Your entire post was certainly not deleted.

Your post is quite there, and quite intolerant of diversity and critical on a matter that is nobody''s freaking business.


Just wow.


Again it is nobody''s business who pays.

Why do others have to follow certain rules, even if shared by the majority?

Maybe she makes more money than him.

Nothing wrong with that.


Sheesh!

Exactly - Holly, why bother pretending to take the high road and delete your post (because you know it''s potentially offensive), only to go ahead and make the comment anyways ??

you know what..never mind.

I''m not "pretending" to take the high road. I said what I had to say. I just didn''t elaborate. And frankly, since I don''t usually offer my take on other posters opinions, and most often respond only to the OP, it would be a pleasant surprise if I could ever receive the same courtesy from other posters. But I won''t hold my breath.

 

[HollyS]

I''m sorry Ali. I posted the last one before I saw your post.

 

[orbaya]

Well, it''s obviously not his family''s business what financial decisions you make. Are they going to get upset with every purchase you two make, buying a home, things for any future children, etc? You two need to tell them NOW to politely butt out.

I''m also curious to know why your friend felt the need to tell your fiance''s parents the cost of the ring? That was not her information to share, and I''d be pretty upset and talk to her about it.

 

[setell]

I find it strange you’re having so much problems considering I am Asian too as you didn’t buy a ring that outrageously expensive. I told my FIL’s and my parents how much my ring is and my parents are shocked at the price. I mean my mom have no engagement ring so you can imagine the look on her face. But then she also understands that times are different too so cost wise it may not be what it is in their generations. My Future mother-in-law even admires my ring and just drool over it saying “good choice good choice” and says she wants some diamonds of her own! I may be totally off but I think your FIL’s problems is that their son can’t afford to pay 5k for a ring and yet you insisted to get one. You have to look it from an Asian culture’s point of view. The man must buy the ring! Sorta like if he can’t afford a ring you get no ring like my mom! I have a feeling your problems run much deeper then this ring and you chipping in to help pay for it. I guess in our case, my FI can buy me my ring and get me a way larger diamond if I wanted it too but it’s the fact our finances are “stable” and both sets of parents know this so they aren’t reacting to the price of the ring in a negative way. Maybe your financial situation is what is bugging your FIL’s.

Also, we don’t ask random strangers personal questions (I find that absurd!) but I do tell my parents/siblings how much I make but I don’t tell them exactly how much my FI makes. They just know roughly how much he makes regarding his profession. As to family chipping in for help o buy a house. You know, I will only do it for my siblings and nobody else. I will do anything for them and if monetary help is what they need and I can then I will do it. BUT for aunts, uncles, cousin you can forget it. They aren’t getting help from me!

 

[simplysplendid]

Oh dear. It is best to nip this in the bud otherwise it may extend to the house that you live in, the furniture that you have etc. etc. in the future.

My MIL knows that I spend a lot of money on bags and jewelry and it helps that she knows I have a career that can pay for it. So while she thinks the money I spend on bags and jewelry are crazy, she cannot complain. Perhaps it is a good idea to let your FI family know you paid for it and both of you are comfortable and happy with the decision, fullstop.

 

[ms.halo]

I agree with Simplysplendid-nip this in the bud ASAP.

Draw the boundaries now because if you don''t you''re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disapproval from your in-laws.

 

[Tuckins1]

None of their business. If they are hung up on it, it''s their problem, not yours.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 10/25/2009 10:17:58 PM
Author: wenwen1111
Well, as soon as they found out about the e-ring, they pressed my bf about the cost of the ring. He gave into pressure and told them the cost. I got a bit angry over that because I didn't think there is a need for them to know. They think we are being inconsiderate of the timing of this purchase because of his mortgage but the thing is it's not going to be paid off for years (10+). And because he is renting the place out which has covered all the interest, he only needs to pay the principal amount.

I've paid most of the cost to the ring so I don't feel I should be getting this reaction from them.

Judging by the yellow portion above and your original post, I don't think their real issue is the cost. In your original post you said, " Unfortunately when bf's family found out this morning through a friend who has seen the photos, they were very upset at how much the ring costed." Unless I'm missing something, it sounds like you and your FI didn't tell them you two were engaged, or you two neglected to tell them that you guys bought a ring and made it "official." It sounds like they had no idea you two bought a ring. At the very least, you posted a picture on Facebook and decided to share your ring with everyone else before you shared it with them, which is insensitive if they didn't even know there was a ring. I can see how finding out from a third party would be deeply hurtful to them especially since that's their only son. I think the cost may just be a surface issue for them.

I feel like there's a lot of other background information that you may not want to share for privacy reasons, but I suspect their real issue is with your FI. The fact that you guys would tell your FB friends about the ring before his parents says a lot. I feel like the issues re: the ring/engagement are just the most recent in a series of issues his parents may have with your FI. I would tread carefully. Unfortunately, I don't think telling them to butt out will solve the real underlying issues. I think your FI needs to have a deep heart-to-heart with his family.

 

[mariel]

I''m sorry you are going through this when it''s really your time to be proud, happy and shine - most especially with that nice rock on your finger Really if you and your FI don''t owe his side of the family any loans etc, then it''s none of their business. I hope things to get better and they realize how silly they are being, congratulate you and let you be in cloud nine as you should be.

Good luck!

 

[wenwen1111]

I didn't think it was necessary to involve future in-laws in the ring buying as long as it was worked out between me and my FI as the ring is a personal thing. They weren't upset over the fact that we are engaged because my FI has told them about it. It stemmed from the cost.

But yes both me and my FI think that it's an issue deeper than the ring. I don't want to give too much private information here but there are definitely issues in the background and they do become critical of me easily.

Also I don't think it was necessarily to become upset over this when I don't have a problem of paying part of the cost.

Hopefully things will work out. FI said he needs to be more assertive infront of the family so hopefully this is a good opportunity to do so.


Thanks for all the suggestions but there's too much speculation/guessing going on here. I'm seeing accusations fly and this wasn't the intent of the thread. I simply wanted advice on how to approach them afterwards. I'll try to get my FI to have more 'formal' talks with the family about certain issues and *fingers cross*