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FI''s family finding out the price of the e-ring and turning very negative

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wenwen1111

wenwen1111

Rough_Rock
Joined
Sep 9, 2009
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76
Hi guys,

I want to vent here so please let me. I recently got engaged and purchased a ring at around 5000. I told my bf that I wanted to purchase the ring myself because I''d rather spend money on something I love than getting something that I would trade for. After much research, I purchased from a PS online vendor and posted some amazing pictures online. Unfortunately when bf''s family found out this morning through a friend who has seen the photos, they were very upset at how much the ring costed.

Here is the real kicker, I actually paid for this ring with my own money to begin with and my fiance has only begun to contribute towards this cost (I''m giving him time since he is also paying towards a mortgage but he rents out the place so he doesn''t need to pay that much). BF didn''t mind the price. And, having seen the ring himself, he is very happy with it.

However, the family is extremely unhappy with this situation (even though I paid mostly myself) and is saying that we should only spend about $1000 on the ring and we are inconsiderate about our financial situation.

I''m rather angry right now because this is really an issue between me and my fiance. I feel that his family is intruding too much into this matter. They are very possessive of the son. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should deal with this? I''m seeing them this coming weekend and I''m sure they will give me the eye.
 
If it''s between you and your fiance the cost never should have been divulged to anyone, too little too late for fixing that though. So when you see them say nothing. If they bring it up simply say "Fiance and I agreed upon the ring that was purchased and are both happy with our decision, I won''t discuss this any further." And then stick to it, change the subject, reiterate you won''t discuss it, leave the room, whatever you need to do, but don''t justify, explain, or allow the conversation to continue in your presence.
 
You know what, this has taken me a long time to learn with family but honestly, you do not need to explain yourselves. As long as you are both responsible I would not say anything to them. If they try to ask; I would say this is not up for discussion and end of story. Then carry on like nothing happened and keep smiling and still be pleasant. I notice the less you give people to work with (like excuses and reasoning) the better. I am sorry; I think when people are first engaged they feel they can give input still. If you stop it soon then they will learn that you both are free to do what you want since you are both adults.

eta: I guess Kimberly and I were typing at the same time but I agree w/her!
 
What an awkward position to be in. What was spent on your ring and by whom should be between you and your FI. I hope this doesn''t taint your enjoyment of your ring and engagement.

If I remember correctly you are an Australian (as am I) so your future in-laws'' reaction doesn''t surprise me. I think my parents would probably feel the same way if they knew how much we spent on my upgrade - although I would hope they would have the good grace to keep their thoughts to themselves - as spending that amount of money on a diamond ring was mostly unheard of a generation ago here.

For what it''s worth I think you have a beautiful ring and I hope you get to enjoy it free of judgement.
 
Who is it inconsiderate to? Your bf? Are they upset that you bought your own ring? Or that their poor son is further in debt?

Your fiance better set his family straight or you will have trouble ahead.

On a different note, since an engagement ring is supposed to be gift I don't agree with buying your own. Maybe that is really what his family is upset about. They don't think their son can afford to get engaged right now.

But who the heck spilled the beans on the cost of your ring and who paid for it? I consider that to be private information. Your friend also is on PS and told your FI parents?
 
What''s done is done. You''re not going to return the ring (unless you are still within a return period), so what is the point in them complaining? I''d just leave it at that. "The ring is bought, we love it, and are happy with our decision." The end. And next time, hopefully you/FI/family members will not allow financial decisions to be leaked to the new in-laws!
 
Date: 10/25/2009 8:57:55 PM
Author: swingirl
Who is it inconsiderate to? Your bf? Are they upset that you bought your own ring? Or that their poor son is further in debt?

Your fiance better set his family straight or you will have trouble ahead.

On a different note, since an engagement ring is supposed to be gift I don''t agree with buying your own. Maybe that is really what his family is upset about. They don''t think their son can afford to get engaged right now.

But who the heck spilled the beans on the cost of your ring and who paid for it? I consider that to be private information. Your friend also is on PS and told your FI parents?
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Ditto. I am not sure why they are upset, because you bought the ring?? I''d tell them that is between you and your FI, and that''s that...
 
I think your BF should have a talk with his folks about manners and polite boundaries.
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I''ve had my parents say things to me about how my hubby spends money, but they would never say anything to HIM. And I know they''re really just concerned about my well being, and there''s a cultural clash aspect where they grew up in a country that hoards their money in saving and rarely splurges. But still, they would never be so rude as to say anything disrespectful or offensive in front of my husband.

Seriously, what did they even say to you? That they want you to return your engagement ring that you bought with your own money? I can''t even imagine how that conversation could go without sounding utterly ridiculous.
 
Date: 10/25/2009 8:57:55 PM
Author: swingirl
Who is it inconsiderate to? Your bf? Are they upset that you bought your own ring? Or that their poor son is further in debt?

Your fiance better set his family straight or you will have trouble ahead.

On a different note, since an engagement ring is supposed to be gift I don''t agree with buying your own. Maybe that is really what his family is upset about. They don''t think their son can afford to get engaged right now.

But who the heck spilled the beans on the cost of your ring and who paid for it? I consider that to be private information. Your friend also is on PS and told your FI parents?
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I don''t think an eng. ring is "suppose to be a gift." Times have changed and it''s archaic to say that the guy MUST pay for it. When I picked the diamond I wanted, dh and I split the cost. We both were in college and had jobs, but not a lot to spend. . .by joining efforts, we found a diamond that we both still love today.

Okay, back to OP. . .how come the family found out how much you paid? Sorry this happened. . .I see a future with many battles!
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Splitting the cost of a ring is different then buying your own. It seems like wenwen1111's bf didn't have much to do with the ring nor with telling his parents to mind their own business nor setting them straight about the "misinformation" they have heard.

I would expect my FI to protect me from his parents and not allow the rumors to live on. And I'll call it a rumor since they heard it from a "friend" who saw it on a website.

And call it "old fashioned" but an engagement does come along with some traditional expectations. Which I think has gotten OP's FIL upset.
 
The simple answer is it''s none of their business how much the ring cost and who bought it.

But I suspect that this the tip of the iceberg regarding how much say they already have, and want to keep having, over their son''s life and his finances.

You can either toe the line and ''explain'' yourselves so they are more comfortable with what you have done, or you can make the decision now to assert yourselves. You and your fiance need to have a serious talk about how you are going to deal with his family.
 
Well, as soon as they found out about the e-ring, they pressed my bf about the cost of the ring. He gave into pressure and told them the cost. I got a bit angry over that because I didn''t think there is a need for them to know. They think we are being inconsiderate of the timing of this purchase because of his mortgage but the thing is it''s not going to be paid off for years (10+). And because he is renting the place out which has covered all the interest, he only needs to pay the principal amount.

I''ve paid most of the cost to the ring so I don''t feel I should be getting this reaction from them.
 
and the friend who saw it was from Facebook. I think he just wanted to tell them how beautiful the ring was but obviously it backfired.
 
Does your BF have any loans from his parents that he hasn't paid back yet? If so I think their reaction is not unusual. If not, it simply isn't their business, whether you or your BF paid for it.

BTW you seem to be itching to let us know that you paid for the ring. I hope that doesn't mean that you're also itching to tell the in-laws; it won't help your situation any and it might make it worse. What they're concerned about is probably their perception either he is living above his means or that you as a couple are living above your collective means. Or that you -- again, as a couple -- are just being wasteful paying more for an engagement ring than they think is appropriate. Your having paid for the ring doesn't affect any of those perceptions.
 
Sorry if this is nosy, but have they been reacting negatively directly to you? Or venting to your bf and you're hearing all this from him?

I ask because I think it's one thing for parents to talk to their own kids about their finances etc, but a whole different thing to push themselves on you.

It's really hard for some parents not to worry about their kids' finances, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they're just trying to look out for you guys. But I'd have the boy talk to his parents about where the lines are now that he's about to start a family of his own! Some parents have a hard time realizing that their well-intentioned advice isn't always 100% welcome (or 100% right), and just need to be gently made aware of it.
 
It''s nobody''s business what you purchase and how much you spend on it.

Your FI needs to make that very clear to his family. He needs to set up that boundary to protect you from a lot of headaches regarding any future purchases you make as a couple.

I would tell my FI that if anyone brings it up again he needs to say "I''m sorry to hear that you feel that way, but the fact is this is our money and it is our business how we spend it. I shouldn''t have shared the price with you in the first place, and I trust that you''ll respect the fact that I''m an adult and I can take care of my finances myself."
 
If my son told me that his future wife bought and paid for her own e-ring and he was now in debt to her to pay it off, I too would give her "the eye." The first thing that would come to my mind is that my son is about to marry a woman that will buy expensive things that she knows my son can''t afford and expect him to pay her back putting him in even more debt. I fully understand sharing the cost of the ring and that is what most couples are doing now. And I would understand if he found a ring he knew you''d love or if you pointed one out and he took it upon himself to take out a loan to pay for it. But from what I understand from your post is that you found a ring you love, decided to buy it yourself, and now expect payment. I can see why his family would be upset.

Perhaps a sit down with his parents on your intentions is in order.
 
Date: 10/25/2009 11:12:55 PM
Author: fiery
If my son told me that his future wife bought and paid for her own e-ring and he was now in debt to her to pay it off, I too would give her ''the eye.'' The first thing that would come to my mind is that my son is about to marry a woman that will buy expensive things that she knows my son can''t afford and expect him to pay her back putting him in even more debt. I fully understand sharing the cost of the ring and that is what most couples are doing now. And I would understand if he found a ring he knew you''d love or if you pointed one out and he took it upon himself to take out a loan to pay for it. But from what I understand from your post is that you found a ring you love, decided to buy it yourself, and now expect payment. I can see why his family would be upset.


Perhaps a sit down with his parents on your intentions is in order.
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I get your point, but often once you marry the money is combined so I''m not sure where the "paying back" comes in. Maybe I got married too young and have been married too long lol
 
From what I gather, he is paying her back for the ring or am I not understanding it correctly? I agree that the money is combined but if that were the case then why is he paying her back?
 
Just tell them to mind their own business.

I'd nip this in bud.

None of the details, like who paid, is anyone's business.
 
As long as he is not still living at home, hasn''t accepted any money from them, or are expected to contribute to the wedding, then it''s none of their business.

If, on the other hand they are still helping him financially in any way, then I can understand them being disappointed that he has taken on additional debt. Not saying it''s correct for them to butt in, but understandable.

So is he completely independent of them?

Personally I''d be mortified if my GF went out and bought herself a ring that I couldn''t afford.
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Entire post deleted. It would do no good. My telling you that buying one's own engagement ring does not an engagement ring make would simply fall on deaf ears.

Never mind.
 
parents often feel they can say anything because they are the parents. but he's an adult as are you. it's none of their business what he paid, they shouldn't even be asking about that. and it doesn't matter who paid for it.

i agree with the others. nip this interference in the bud or else they'll be adding their two cents all the time whether you like it or not. as long as he is not financially dependent on them in any way nor are you, it's none of their business how you two spend your money. sure they might wish you did OTHER things with it but that's just their opinion and it shouldn't factor at all into how you two live your lives.
 
Also, did the family find out about the engagement via this friend on facebook? Or did they know about the engagement but haven''t seen the ring and upon getting the description they questioned the cost? If they didn''t know about the engagement, perhaps they are upset over that?
 
You didn't mention whether you had discussed the cost of the ring with your FI before buying it, and what his reaction was. If you did, was he okay with you spending $5000, knowing that he would have to 'pay back' that amount? Or was he 'okay with the price' after it was bought?

Would he have been able to comfortably afford a ring for a lesser cost, say $2500?

As a parent - I think the fact that you selected a ring that FI obviously couldn't afford to buy in his current financial condition, would make me a bit concerned. I would question whether a $5000 was really necessary, knowing that it would add to your FI's debt 'burden'. I think parents naturally wamt the best for their children, , whether they're adults or not. Maybe they felt that you piled some unnecessary strain onto your FI, which could've been avoided by purchasing a more affordable ring. If you did discuss it with him, maybe they also feel he was 'pressured' into agreeing to a cost which would've been eventually burdensome for him? Either way, I don't think their concern is necessary unnatural, as parents.
 
When we were discussing the ering, he told me what he could afford at this stage so i said to him to contribute what he''d like and I''ll pay the rest to buy a nice ring. Whether he is going to contribute more at some time later is not an issue with me. As some people have pointed out, when we do get married, the finances will be shared so there''s no your money or my money boundary.

This issue I am having is that even when we have this all worked out ourselves and my FI does not need to take additional loan for the ring, they should not be making this a big deal but they are. That''s why I feel like emphasising the fact that I''m using mostly my own money, not their son''s although another poster also said that this won''t help either
 
EDIT: my FI was not pressured into the cost of the ring because we made arrangements (see above post). I didn't just go and pick something without his approval either. Otherwise it won't be my engagement ring, it would just be a gift to myself O.O

I also loved being able to decide on my own ring because I would be wearing it for a long time and the ring should feel special to me. I'm not so traditional as to have to let the other half buy a mystery ring to surprise. Surprises can be good or bad and knowing my bf's aesthetic appreciation, it would be safer to choose myself.
 
Wait, I''m confused. Do the FILs know that you paid for it? Or are they thinking that FI went into debt for it?
 
Date: 10/26/2009 12:17:27 AM
Author: HollyS
Entire post deleted. It would do no good. My telling you that buying one's own engagement ring does not an engagement ring make would simply fall on deaf ears.


Never mind.
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Wow.

Your entire post was certainly not deleted.
Your post is quite there, and quite intolerant of diversity and critical on a matter that is nobody's freaking business.

Just wow.

Again it is nobody's business who pays.
Why do others have to follow certain rules, even if shared by the majority?
Maybe she makes more money than him.
Nothing wrong with that.

Sheesh!
 
Date: 10/26/2009 12:49:47 AM
Author: swingirl
Wait, I''m confused. Do the FILs know that you paid for it? Or are they thinking that FI went into debt for it?
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They know I paid for it but they insist that he will have to pay back which I don''t understand why (Asian tradition?)
 
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