First Vacation

[wakingdreams53]

I know I'm not a LIW anymore, but with half the posts being about breaking up, I thought it'd be nice to get some advice for a happier topic.

SO and I are going on our first vacation. He's never gone on vacation before so I want it to be as memorable and fun as possible. We're going to Miami, staying/visiting with my parents and have a week to explore-- and hopefully go down to the Keys. Ultimately, this was for my upcoming birthday, but why shouldn't we both get something out of it? I'd rather go parasailing with him than get a trinket anyway (lets see how long that feeling lasts )

I was apprehensive about asking him about it, since he'd have to take off from work and it could be a problem, but when I did, he sounded as excited as me! I made up a tentative itinerary where he can pick and choose what interests him, since I'm not a mind reader and somehow I doubt he'd want to go to every Victorian-style house and garden.
Now, two weeks later, we finally got the tickets. He hasn't looked at the "itinerary" at all and when I just got fed up and said "Do you just want me to plan this all on my own?" He said "yes."
I want him to be into it...
I get that he's never done this type of thing before, but to take interest? A little bit? He said that he cares, but actions speak louder.The countdown is now 18 days until our flight.
He's very busy with his job and his band's upcoming album release. I have a tendency to over-research and plan, but I've been to Miami at least 5 times in the past few years and I haven't seen much of anything aside from the beach. So this is as much for me as it is for him.

Okay, so what should I do? Should I plan everything and have him be "surprised" even though it's my birthday and I have reason to doubt he had anything planned. (when I mentioned this vacation I said that my birthday is coming up. his response? "oh sh$^!"). Or should I "force" him to take interest?

 

[asymons412]

I hate to stereotype, but I think this is a man-thing. From planning spring breaks in college with my boyfriend and his buddies to our vacation upcoming in two weeks, I always end up planning and the guy are always nonchalant up until a week before the trip is actually scheduled. My best advice is not to stress too much about planning your itinerary down to the hour (which I am notorious for doing); limit certain activities to specific days and make him aware of the options. That way, you know what you can do on which days but don't have the plans totally resolved. When it comes to a few days beforehand and he's thinking about it, it'll be much easier to get him to say "okay, we'll do x in the morning and y in the afternoon."

FYI, I find that my SO doesn't even hear the options until a few days beforehand when he asks, "oh, when were we going to do the wine-tasting?" and suddenly he wants to start planning with me.

 

[vintagelover229]

I'm sorry your bf isn't into planning (mine isn't either). I would plan it and just enjoy it. I ended up planning our 1 year anniversary/valentines day/my birthday trip. It was still fun even though he didn't plan any of it and we both enjoyed it and had a great time. The most important thing isn't who plans it but it's about being together. So don't worry about the small stuff, if you enjoy planning plan it out to your hearts content. If you want him to be more involved plan everything but your birthday day (or dinner) and say "honey I've planned x, y and z. I'd really like to do a,b or c for my birthday but I"d really like you to plan it so it's kind of a surprise." If he says no to that or doesn't do it at all I'd reconsider the relationship (not based on the fact that he didn't plan but that he wouldn't plan something SMALL that you gave him options for and he knows it's important to you he should care enough to do it).

Hope this helps! Have fun on vacation!

PS. Dover jewelery is in that area. Always fun to check out some antique and estate bling while your there!

 

[amc80]

Probably just a guy thing. My fiance lets/makes me plan everything and make all the decisions (where to eat dinner, what movie to see, etc.)...because most of the time he just doesn't care. He will absolutely speak up if there's something he feels strongly about (whether good or bad). I tell him I hate having to decide everything, but he say's it's because at work he's always telling people what to do (he's a deputy)...so he just likes to relax and go with the flow when he's not working. He probably didn't connect the trip with being about your birthday as much as it will happen to be your birthday when you are on your trip.

How long have you been together?

 

[wakingdreams53]

HAH, so its unanimous. Its a guy thing. Alright, that makes me feel a little better about it.
I wasn't planning it down to the hour-- just had general layouts for the day. Like Day 1- 5 options, go to South Beach in the evening. Day 3- my birthday: go to dinner with my family, wing it from there. I really want to go to a Peruvian place for my bday, I'm craving ceviche like no other!

Vintagelover, he'd do that if I asked, but I kinda have my birthday planned. It's a "big" birthday for me, so I'm 100% set on us going to dinner with my parents and sister. And LOL about Dover. I just went on their site, they're not too far from south beach... Nah, that's more a place to go with my mom-- she'd love to see this ring: http://www.doverjewelry.com/catalog/estate_engagement_rings/magnificent_1968ct_diamond_platinum_engagement_ring.html

Amc, we're coming up on 2.5 years. I'm sure it being my birthday is somewhere in the back of his mind... I mention it daily-- not out of wanting something, just in a "Christ, where has time gone?!?"

ETA: asymons, I could've sworn your bf was wearing a Guns N' Roses shirt in your avatar-- I got all excited

ETA Update: I wanted to get us underwater cases for our cameras so that we won't have to share one camera.
Backstory- I've been wanting to get an underwater case since 2007 when I got my camera (Canon G7). I texted him saying that I'm going to get us both cases, his response: Then what can I get you for your birthday?! --- he never knows what to get me, I always know what to get him. I believe the term is: FAIL. At any rate, I really would rather go someplace or do something special.

 

[INdmbLove]

I know what you mean! I always have to plan almost everything- meals, activities, holidays, even my own birthday! He is a person that feels more comfortable when there is a plan.... but I always seem to be the one that does it all! When there's something he really wants to do he will tell me (game he really wants to watch- which he knows I'll probably never think about)... but typically I'm on my own coming up with stuff. Which is hard at times, b/c I want to do things that interest him-- but sometimes I just do not know! or I'm out of ideas. We both filled out brackets for the NCAA tournament.... which, BTW I won! but we never agreed on a "prize"... I joked that I'd make him plan everything for a full month.... I wish I would've held him to it!

We are going on our first vaca as a couple in June- and his parents just got back from where we are going a few weeks ago- I told his mom half-jokingly to give us a must-do list... and she of course came home with a bag full of pamphlets and such- which he thought was hilarious--- I'm relieved that way I have SOMEWHERE to start!!!

BOYS!

 

[asymons412]

ETA: asymons, I could've sworn your bf was wearing a Guns N' Roses shirt in your avatar-- I got all excited

lol! Naw, just your generic some-brand t-shirt. He does love Guns N' Roses though (and has a shirt)! Coincidence? haha

 

[wakingdreams53]

$#^@&*(&#^ I get it, it's a guy thing. But we're leaving in THREE days!!

In his defense, he wanted to talk about planning, and I planned for us to talk about planning, but then he got the stomach flu, so I was taking care of him. (two days ago)
THEN, when he was going to call to talk to me about it, I had already gone to bed. (yesterday)
So I was hoping TODAY would be the day. I do hate being wrong.

I made us a *surprise* vacation blog, and organized all of the options in a succinct 300 word email.
He read the first item, clicked the link, then called me to ask if this was time sensitive -- if he had to buy anything now. In hindsight I should've said yes, and told him to buy everything else I linked

Instead I said no, but he'd understand it's context within the rest of the email.
He called me two hours later, all was well. He said he thought about renting a car. We spoke a good 30 seconds on that... then I kinda had to add "And?........?? That's all you thought about? Any of the activities sound interesting to you?"

That's when the truth came out that he only read the first line and closed the email. Didn't read it. I got incredibly upset, told him how inconsiderate of me he's being and said good night. I still don't know if he read it.

Maybe I'm just letting my PMS get the better of me... but GAH!!!!
It just infuriated me how little he cared!

How I imagined tonight to go:
- He'd take the time to read it.
- We'd discuss what we like vs. don't like., what's possible, what's silly or unnecessary.
- I'd tell him about how I thought it would be cute for us to have a blog. Even if it's private, for us to record our first vacation.
*link blog*
- Then we would feel good about what we accomplished and readily go on vacation in 3 days.

Nope, none of the above. Instead I'm just mad at him. Am I completely unreasonable and unjustified?

 

[swingirl]

$#^@&*(&#^ I get it, it's a guy thing. But we're leaving in THREE days!!

I made us a *surprise* vacation blog, and organized all of the options in a succinct 300 word email.

That's all you thought about? Any of the activities sound interesting to you?"

How I imagined tonight to go:
- He'd take the time to read it.
- We'd discuss what we like vs. don't like., what's possible, what's silly or unnecessary.
- I'd tell him about how I thought it would be cute for us to have a blog. Even if it's private, for us to record our first vacation.
*link blog*
- Then we would feel good about what we accomplished and readily go on vacation in 3 days.

Oh my. It seems to me that you are really making this a lot of work!! You've stated that he's very busy. Why on earth should he take on more of a burden to do something that you want to do (plan). I would say stop pressuring your BF, plan to do whatever you want (you have been there 5 times compared to his 0). And stop thinking that the plan part has to be a group effort. My guess is it's too many decisions, too much information, for you BF right now. Plus, your BF has the added stress of meeting/staying with your parents.

Me? I have planned every family vacation that we've ever taken. I might ask if anyone is interested in this or that, but no required reading. I print out our itinerary, give everyone a copy and head to the airport. No one complains.

Enjoy your vacation, stay flexible and ...uh, skip the blog unless you are willing to do all the work. It would be a mood killer for me.

 

[wakingdreams53]

The blog appeared only because I was going to make a website of activity choices with a checkbox for him to choose. That didnt pan out since its was lot of unecessary work and made me feel like I had to be really fancy for him to listen.

Oh and there isnt added stress about my parents--he's met them a zillion times and has stayed over in their presence.

Since he's footing the bill, I dont want to just plan things without input. Its his dime, I feel that he should be part of the choice.

I guess you're right, my expectations are too high. I stay up all night to take care of him and he can't read a lousy email. Yup, I must be overreacting.

 

[amc80]

I guess you're right, my expectations are too high. I stay up all night to take care of him and he can't read a lousy email. Yup, I must be overreacting.

You are a girl. He is a guy. Girls and guys are very, very different. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to be involved in the planning, but you keep trying to force him to be involved, or force him to want to be involved. He doesn't care. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or he doesn't care about your vacation; he just doesn't care about the details of your vacation. My fiance is the same way...he wants me to plan everything. He says he just wants to spend time with me and doesn't care what we're actually doing. Because he's a guy...and guys aren't known for their planning. Think about a shopping trip- I will plan everything out, which stores I'm going to, where the sales are, what I hope to get from each store, etc. My fiance? He just goes and hopes to find something he likes. No plan.

Also, I don't know if it's fair to be upset at him that you you nurtured him when he was sick and he couldn't read an email. We gals tend to nurture...we can't really help it, it's something that's ingrained in us. But it's something that should be done without an expectation of repayment.

 

[mary poppins]

Wow, you are putting way too much time, thought and effort into this which is causing your own stress. Then you're taking it out on your guy. If you're a planner and have things you want to do, run the things by him in a conversation. If he doesn't object to your ideas, schedule the event, buy tickets, do whatever you need to do to participate in the activity. You've been to the vacation destination more than he has, so show him around.

And it's not necessarily a male/female stereotype problem, either. I frequently don't care where DH and I go or what we do. If an idea or activity is important to him, he runs it by me and then does what he needs to do to make it happen if I don't object. And vice versa.

Some people plan and some people go with the flow. Don't expect someone to be what you are, then get frustrated and pissy when they're not. Work with what you have. It will work out better for you as a planner, anyway. You get to do what you want and he'll go along for the ride. Also, you don't have to do everything together. If something is important to you and he's not interested, frequently you can do what you want and he can occupy himself for a while and have his own experiences. And vice versa.

You're going on vacation. Relax.

 

[decodelighted]

This is edging toward PSYCHO pretty darn quickly. Girl, have a beer or something. Vacations are supposed to be relaxing and fun! You are turning this into some kind of final exam/thesis/forced march. You are SPIRALING. At this rate you're gonna break up before you even get on the plane!

I cannot even imagine what most guys would think when presented with a first vacation BLOG! OMG. I urge you to get. a. grip. Repeat to yourself one million times: "Perfect is the enemy of good." Close your eyes. Picture relaxing on vacation. Like you're already there. Is all this anxiety contributing to or contaminating your trip? Your relationship?

Let it unfold. Most of what people enjoy about their vacations is the things THEY DIDN'T PLAN. And when you look back you'll only remember three main things anyway. The beginning ... one peak experience ... and how it ended. The rest you'll just have a vague sense about how it went. Was it relaxed? Was it comfortable? Were you connecting?

Everywhere you go .... there YOU are.

 

[wakingdreams53]

i know you're all right...and i'm a hormonally-controlled lunatic. AMC i wasnt considering him reading the email as repayment, rather the natural give-take of the relationship.

Tbh, i really dont want to plan everything. Id like to "go with the flow" too, for him to GAF helps too.

Id like to think we dont have to do everything together, i just dont want this to be a just beach vacation. I cant show him around because i havent really seen anything (besides the beach) either.

But yeah, im a lunatic practically destroying my relationship for absoluttely no logical reason.

 

[blacksand]

There's nothing especially pyscho about planning every detail of a vacation. I'm the same way. It's a little ridiculous. I get so excited I can't help myself. I research everything. I make lists of the pictures and videos I want to take while I'm there. When we went to Disney last year, I created a medley of Disney songs to use as the music for a vacation montage video I planned on making before we left. Okay, maybe it's a little pyscho. But it's fun for me! It's how I psych myself up for a big vacation. The difference is, all I really expect from my fiance while I'm doing all of this crazy planning is an eye roll or two. I certainly don't expect him to be like me. I don't expect anyone to get as into it as I do. Before I met FI, I was in the habit of traveling by myself, and I got quite used to that. So I told him, when we were planning for Disney, that I wasn't used to traveling as a couple and I hoped he didn't think all my planning was too crazy. Maybe he thought I was a little nuts, but ultimately, he accepted my quirks and I accepted his, we compromised on a few things (he was rabidly anti-Teacup Ride but indulged me on It's a Small World!), and we had an amazing time. I really think the main reason we had so much fun is that we accepted each other for who we were. He accepts that I'm a crazy planner, and I accept that he isn't, and that not everything will happen according to my plan, but we'll have fun anyway. I think you need to just roll with it. This is supposed to be fun.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Blacksand, I see where you're coming from. But I really didn't plan anything out. All I did was find some things that interest me, to the sum total of 10 things I'd like to do. The only "plan" I made was for us to go to Key West on Day 4-- but it's still up in the air if we'd leave the night before to spend the day there, or leave in the early morning, etc.

Oh, and I'm rabidly anti-Teacup Ride too-- I find it nauseating lol.

He read the email, he was upset at how insane I got, but I apologized. While I was at the doctor he wrote this on his facebook:
I'm going to Florida. For anyone who has been or wanted to go, is there something I simply must do? Disney comments will be discarded

He's anti-Disney land, although I would like to go to Disney one day with him and perhaps my sister (she'll be 6 in July). He loves her far too much to ever say no, and well... he loves me too.

I know it'll be a fun, relaxing time. I also know that he didn't get me anything for my birthday and will most likely get something while we're down there. But I'm definitely not worrying about that. I've caused far too much stress already.

And deco, I'm still taking you up on that beer, but I have wine, so that'll have to do lol.

 

[amc80]

There's nothing especially pyscho about planning every detail of a vacation. I'm the same way. It's a little ridiculous. I get so excited I can't help myself. I research everything. I make lists of the pictures and videos I want to take while I'm there. When we went to Disney last year, I created a medley of Disney songs to use as the music for a vacation montage video I planned on making before we left.

Yep, I'm the same way...except I also have spreadsheets.

 

[blacksand]

I may or may not have an entire folder of iphone apps purchased for the sole purpose of planning my vacation. And it's possible I may have spent 10 months leading up to my vacation watching every Disney movie ever made. Possibly.

Okay, I'm psycho.

But I don't think I had any spreadsheets! Well, not for that. But it's possible I might have the next 8 years of my life planned out on a spreadsheet somewhere. Who knows what one might find on my hard drive?

Wakingdreams, I can see being a little annoyed about his facebook post when you've put so much work into your ideas, but I'd chalk it up to him finally getting around to doing some planning. Don't worry too much, and I'm sure you'll have fun. I hope he gets you something nice for your birthday.

Someday I'll get to ride the teacups. Someday....

 

[wakingdreams53]

Oh no, his posting that on facebook made me happy! It meant he was taking an interest in finding more things (although I basically found everything under the sun, including daily flavorpill.com/miami events.

And thank you for the birthday present wishes. I've sent him a ton of things over the months that I would like (bracelet, studs, camera lens, underwater camera housing, and latest, colored stones lol), so I'm not worried. As long as there's heart, I'll be happy with anything.

I do spreadsheets, I love spreadsheets. When I was obsessing over a ring and whatnot, I had a nice and neat 3 page spread sheet. 1) explaining criteria which are important and how to search on pricescope. 2)potential stones. 3) potential settings. (but that's done with for a LONG while)

Now I'm thinking of starting one for my upcoming colored stone obsession haha.

*dust* to blacksand to one day ride the teacups!!

 

[princesss]

There's nothing especially pyscho about planning every detail of a vacation. I'm the same way. It's a little ridiculous. I get so excited I can't help myself. I research everything. I make lists of the pictures and videos I want to take while I'm there. When we went to Disney last year, I created a medley of Disney songs to use as the music for a vacation montage video I planned on making before we left.

Yep, I'm the same way...except I also have spreadsheets.

Bahahahahahahaha. Okay, total threadjack, but I have to tell you guys this and you seem to be the crowd that will appreciate it.

So I'm going to NZ with my friend J, and we commented when we started planning the trip that we'd be perfect travel buddies - I'm a total planner, and like to make my plans, book ahead, and have everything set for when I get there. She is a much more go-with-the-flow, figure things out when you get there, rent a car and see what happens kind of traveler.

So you can imagine my surprise when one day I get a notice that there's a Google Doc that I have access to, and she has 8 tabs for tips, locations, hotels, budget, car rental agencies, schedule, etc. She has the days roughly planned, with optional activities, and approximate travel times between cities. All while I've been sitting around, browsing other peoples pictures, and saying "Oooh, that's pretty. I want to take a picture like THAT...."

Okay, sorry. Threadjack over.

 

[wakingdreams53]

LOL Princesss, that's awesome!

Update on our vacation! We're back, had a great time. I tried my hardest not to be an overplanner after SO thoroughly explained that our activities depend on our mood, not what I have written down/planned. (that was tough to swallow, haha) Saw some great things, went to some fun places, and I'm officially older-- not that it got me any further into clubs , I don't want to drink, I just want to dance!! They (bouncers) clearly don't care. Oh, and for anyone interested in going to South Florida, make sure to see the Coral Castle. It's phenomenal! Next time, we're definitely going back. It was blisteringly hot though, so if you go, make sure its overcast or cooler out-- our pasty white selves were slathering on spf 70 and clinging to the shade. All and all, a nice vacation. Staying with my parents was decidedly difficult, but we survived. Some parental commentary got under my skin, but they just want whats best for me.

SO didn't end up getting me anything for my birthday. He planned to take me to a jewelry shop and buy me sapphire earrings--- taken from my recent obsession with sapphires and some talk about having more than one pair of earrings. That didn't end up happening, and my parents took that as oversight and have me crap about it, complained about how he could have at least gotten me a flower. Nonetheless, I know that this trip was a lot for him, and he still bought me things, they just weren't birthday gifts. We're happy and that's what should matter.
Oh, and SO going to dance aerobics and yoga with me definitely count as gifts. Shame my parents don't realize that.

 

[beesha77]

Funny I was JUST talking about this with a counselor I see. And how we always have these expectations in our mind and when they don't happen we get upset. And really, I know for me and most women I know, we think they know what we are thinking and want them to read our minds! But it just doesn't work like that! I agree with PP's. It's a guy thing.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Hubby and I have been together on and off since 1988, first married in 2002, and we're FINALLY going on our first "us only" (no children allowed) trip. We never had a honeymoon, so this will essentially be ours. We're taking a long weekend, leaving on Wednesday June 22nd and coming back on Sunday, the 26th. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE where we're going! He's planning the whole thing, won't tell me so much as how long the flight is. It's driving me crazy since I'm the one who's a total planner.