Fine Line

[elephant]

Where do you all think the line is between "pressuring" your boyfriend into proposing and just lighting a little fire under him? (This was inspired by what someone else said in another post.) I sort of feel like you do have to do a little nudging because most/some guys would avoid marriage as long as possible?

What do you all think?








formerly: wcitygrl

 

[ammayernyc]

I think setting an ultimatum is crossing the line. Having a discussion about where you want your relationship to go is just nudging.

 

[MissAva]

how owuld you defien the two? How old are you? (I think this makes a difference) and do you want children? If you are in your 40''s and you want kids then yen it is less pressuring and more just nudging if you say hey I cant wait forever. If you are in your 20''s the arguement just doesnt read the same way, you can wait 3 years. How long have yall been dating? How close to you are distance wise? Are you both in the same econoimic posistion (guys often want to be equals or above in therms of ecmonic status). Are there any religion issues...More information please.

 

[elephant]

Oh, this wasn't necessarily for me (although, it has crossed my mind a few times). I just read another thread where someone was strongly suggesting NOT pressuring their boyfriends and I was just curious where everyone else drew the line. So, when you ask for my definition of each, I suppose my response would be: I'm looking for YOUR definitions...?

But, as far as your questions: I am 29, my boyfriend is 30. I don't want children now, but maybe later. Bf feels the same. Bf wants me to move with him out of state -- I won't unless we're engaged. Not because it's an ultimatum (although, some may read it that way), but because I would be giving up a LOT by moving and so if I'm making a huge commitment to him, he needs to make a commitment to me. And we've been through a tremendous amt of stuff in the past 18 mos or so. We live near each other now. We've been dating about a year and a half. He's in a much better economic position. No religion issues.

 

[Buena Girl]

I think this topic is very boyfriend specific. Some guys need more nudging than others. The same action could be considered "pressure" to one boyfriend, while someone else''s b/f needs that type of action in order to get the ball rolling.

Here are a few things, though, that I think would be considered "pressure to marry a girl" to almost every guy out there:
putting a deposit on a reception site, or some other wedding thing, without telling the b/f;
reserving a date for the wedding at a church;
getting pregnant on purpose if the girl knows the b/f will propose right a way if this happened;
buying a wedding dress;
telling everyone (including b/f''s family) that b/f plans to propose even if b/f has never talked about it;
etc.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/5/2005 3

7

0 PM
Author: elephant

Bf wants me to move with him out of state -- I won''t unless we''re engaged. Not because it''s an ultimatum (although, some may read it that way), but because I would be giving up a LOT by moving and so if I''m making a huge commitment to him, he needs to make a commitment to me.

That''s a completely fair stipulation. Uprooting your life is making a commitment, and it''s reasonable to expect a more permanent level of commitment as well.

 

[njc]

I gave some friendly encouragement to my then BF.

We had always talked marriage etc and had been looking at rings for about 4 months. He had just moved closer to me with a new job (we were long dist for a year after graduating college) and we were furnishing his apartment knowing it would soon be ours (i was in the middle of a new job search myself to be in the same city and planning on moving in). While buying sofas, he mentioned that his next purchase was going to be a huge flat screen TV. My heart literally fell to the floor because he had been telling me he was trying to save for the ring, and me moving in would help him out a lot (he was paying off his debt). I told him that if he bought that TV before my ring, i would have some serious issues. When i got my ring, i would buy him the TV. It took 7 more months, but i held up my end of the deal and he got his engagement TV.

I agree some could say i pushed him, but we had talked, knew it was the direction we wanted to head in and had already started to look at rings. It was just something for him to look forward to the same way i was looking forward to my ring.

 

[fountainfairfax]

I''ll add to Buena''s list my all-time favorite

: withholding sex and/or suddenly deciding that premaritial sex is taboo

A former friend of my sister did this (she was manipulative in every area of her life.) When she decided it was time to get married, she told her bf that she was having difficulty with the "morality" of sex outside of marriage and that until she got married there would be no more nookie. The poor bastard proposed within 2 months and of course the night he proposed she decided that sex was a wonderful thing again.


On a personal note I think that there is nothing wrong with stating where you want the relationship to go and in what time-frame you hope it happens and then listening to his response (or lack thereof.) Right after our 1 year anniversary I brought up my age (36,) the fact that I''d been divorced for 10 years, that so much was wonderful with us and that I hoped we were moving towards marriage. He said "you''re the only person I''ve ever considering marrying, and yes I want to marry you." I said "how''s next year (2006)?" he said "Great, just no big wedding." Now we just need to get the stone set and have him do the official proposal!!!! yeahhhhhhh baby!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/5/2005 3:41:56 PM
Author: njc

We had always talked marriage etc and had been looking at rings for about 4 months. He had just moved closer to me with a new job (we were long dist for a year after graduating college) and we were furnishing his apartment knowing it would soon be ours (i was in the middle of a new job search myself to be in the same city and planning on moving in). While buying sofas, he mentioned that his next purchase was going to be a huge flat screen TV. My heart literally fell to the floor because he had been telling me he was trying to save for the ring, and me moving in would help him out a lot (he was paying off his debt). I told him that if he bought that TV before my ring, i would have some serious issues. When i got my ring, i would buy him the TV. It took 7 more months, but i held up my end of the deal and he got his engagement TV.

I agree some could say i pushed him, but we had talked, knew it was the direction we wanted to head in and had already started to look at rings. It was just something for him to look forward to the same way i was looking forward to my ring.

See, now I don''t think that''s pushing. I think that''s an example of the communication I referred to.

You had been talking marriage, looking at rings, and he had said he was saving for your ring. When he mentioned purchasing the TV next, you realized that there was some discrepancy on expectations. You verbalized your expectations to him and (assumedly) got agreement on them. It looks as though you relaxed a bit, too, and gave him appropriate time to meet his stated goal (7 months to save the money).

That is a great example of making sure each other''s expectations are aligned with one another.

 

[Blue824]

Hmmm...I think it really does depend on the situation. I think that an ultimatum can be tricky and depends on the circumstances, like someone previously said with ages and just whatever else is going on. Overall they leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, I guess because one of my friends gave her bf an ultimatum, and when people talk about it, they say she forced him into it. Anyhow, they were 20 (him) and 22 (her) when she, after about 8 mos of dating, said that if she didn''t have the ring by the end of the school year it was over.

I could justify it if there were age or location issues, or some other important factor.

For me, personally, I think as far as I can see myself going is dragging him to look at rings and constantly sending him pictures hehe....he''s not so good at the subtle hints so it is best to make things clear. But, just to clarify, this is something we have talked about a lot and that we both know won''t happen for a while still due to money and circumstances.

 

[Munchkin]

Since reading this thread, I have been mulling this over for about a half hour! I think what I have come to conclude is that it is truly different for different couples. Above all, however, I think the manner in which the topic is broached is as critical as the content of the discussion.

For example, I think the above poster who mentioned that she was committing to him by moving, and wanted a tangible committment from him, was completrely reasonable. I think her statement and expectations were fair, and I further think that she showed strength of character by making her needs clear.

I also understand the whole TV scenario above. I think guys sometimes miss the mental connections that women often make. I.E. I want a ring. I know he doesn''t have the money. So, if he took unpaid days off for no real reason, or made frivolous purchases, I would feel somewhat...well...not betrayed exactly, but let down (?) I guess. I think that because engagement is a priority of mine, I understand the means necessary achieve the end. To me: work + not spending money frivolously = ring sooner. Many guys I know do the, "Hey, look at that TV! I''ll get that now, and I''ll just buy her ring a little later." But, the above women essentially told him "To me, commitment should come before a TV." (I would feel the exact same way, BTW) That put the whole thing into perspective for her guy, and he still got the TV in the end! (win/win, eh?)

Now, if either woman had handled the situation differently, it could have been crossing that fine line. For example, if the (moving) woman packed up her belongings, ended her lease, took a new job, climbed into a moving van and said "This truck isn''t moving until there is a ring on my finger. Take care of it." I think there would have been some line jumping and some into-corner backing. Likewise if the (TV) woman crossed her arms, stomped her feet and yelled "You love that stupid TV more than me. It''s not fair. If you really love me you''ll put a ring on my finger." I would have thought differently. Tone, attitude and timing can completely alter a given scenario.

I am a big fan of conversation that goes something like: "I understand that you and I may feel differently, but I wanted to let you know that I love you, and I feel as though I am ready to get engaged and married. How are you feeling? Do you have any kind of a timeline in your head?"

I hope I have been coherent. I basically typed this as a stream of consciousness!
Munchkin