Fine Line Between Flirting and Being Friendly

[madelise]

What are your definitions and distinctions between flirting and being friendly? At what point do you feel like you need to stop being friendly? And at what point would you feel offended if your SO was being too friendly? Do you think you're rather conservative or liberal in your viewpoint? What shapes your views?

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Good question! Personally, I have no idea. I've been told that many guys have flirted with me in the past, but I could not tell at all so never sent any signals back. This is probably why I met my SO through online dating! I thought they were just being conversational, and never wanted to put myself on a pedestal. I think things like light touching (like grazing the arm), asking about single status, and moving in closer become more clear signs of flirtation. Conversation itself to me is just friendly.

I think we've built up this crazy society where even approaching someone of the opposite sex is beginning to be considered flirty. My friend approached a girl to ask about her drink, and she immediately said "sorry, not interested." This might be an extreme example, but since when is asking a question now considered some kind of non-platonic advance?

When it comes to my SO, I don't really care if he talks to other women unless I sense that he is actively trying to avoid me. This has never happened though! Sometimes he'll tell me when he finds a woman attractive but that he's had enough experience to know that physical attraction alone does not get you very far and he would never risk what we already have for a fling. I look for other things like body language, like how close they are, where they are positioning their bodies, and what they're talking about. I especially look where his eyes are gazing. Subjects like work, family, politics are all fine to me. There was this one girl who was on the rocks with her boyfriend, and was texting my SO all about it and then suggested that just she and him should go out for drinks. He considered it, mostly because he's a therapist and wanted to try to work his professional magic on her. That was the only time my radar was on high alert. After many disagreements about what this meant, I learned that I had to trust my SO and that I was feeling insecure about HER and MYSELF, and not my SO. Even though she was on the prowl, he was not.

 

[gem_anemone]

What are your definitions and distinctions between flirting and being friendly? At what point do you feel like you need to stop being friendly? And at what point would you feel offended if your SO was being too friendly? Do you think you're rather conservative or liberal in your viewpoint? What shapes your views?

I think there is a pretty clear distinction between flirting and being friendly. I consider friendly to be things like chatting at social gatherings, remembering occasions (birthdays/anniversaries), paying attention not just to the friend of the opposite sex, but his/her significant other, a comment here or there on Facebook etc. Flirting to me is more like hanging out one-on-one, private conversations away from your SO, texting with no real purpose, giving gifts other than a card, touching (more than a short hug or kiss on the cheek) etc. I think teasing can be seen as either flirting or being friendly and it has to be evaluated case-by-case. I think anything I listed as friendly that becomes uncomfortably excessive would then be moved into the flirting category and have me worried.

The worst thing my husband does that is overly friendly is that he has a tendency to compliment other women on their looks - in person, on FB you name it. I think people could see that as being flirty. It doesn't really bother me because I know he's just doing it to be nice. I know he is not interested in these other women. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time too. I think he is just the type of guy to be very complimentary and I can't really complain because it means he does it to me most of all.

I am not sure how "liberal" I am compared to others. I would guess I am maybe pretty liberal. I really don't care what my husband does unless I feel threatened by another woman or I feel embarrassed about how others may see his behavior. There has only been one girl that I didn't like him being friends with in the four years of us being together. It was super obvious to me that she was smitten with him and had been for YEARS. The only one who was oblivious to it was my husband. They had a very flirtatious friendship, but from what my husband told me they had never "done anything" nor did he think of her "that way". Well without getting into detail, I tried to be her friend at first, but it just wasn't working. I got the impression she wanted to pretend he didn't have a girlfriend and keep their relationship as it was before I came along, so she had no interest in getting to know me. After awhile I changed my mind and didn't even want to try to be her friend because I felt her attitude meant she disrespected my status as his girlfriend. That caused me to finally tell my husband I was uncomfortable with him having a friendship with her that was more than acquaintance level. Their relationship eventually deteriorated. There is way more to the story but enough about me

May I ask why do you ask? Is someone in your life doing acting inappropriate and you're trying to decide if it is or not?

 

[gem_anemone]

There was this one girl who was on the rocks with her boyfriend, and was texting my SO all about it and then suggested that just she and him should go out for drinks. He considered it, mostly because he's a therapist and wanted to try to work his professional magic on her. That was the only time my radar was on high alert. After many disagreements about what this meant, I learned that I had to trust my SO and that I was feeling insecure about HER and MYSELF, and not my SO. Even though she was on the prowl, he was not.

I'm curious, did you let your SO go out for drinks with her?

 

[sonnyjane]

My husband is away a lot so I tend to go out with girlfriends frequently. I would say, to use your terminology, guys "flirt" with me but I am "friendly" back. In other words guys will approach me (or my friends) and hit on me/us without realizing I'm married. I make it very clear that I'm married, but if one guy is hitting it off with my friend, I'll be a "wing-man" and chat with his friend. I'm polite but absolutely do nothing that could be construed as flirting.

My husband is basically a hobbit lol, so he has very few social interactions lol.

 

[madelise]

May I ask why do you ask? Is someone in your life doing acting inappropriate and you're trying to decide if it is or not?

No, my SO is as sweet as peaches. If anything, I had to change my own personality in order to protect him. I'm bubbly, and I have a lot of straight male friends. My best male friend and I used to peck on the lips goodbye. I stopped doing that after it sparked a few raised eyebrows with my ex's friends, even though my ex was okay with our friendship. I realized that it's not just about what you and your partner's feelings, but also those around you. XBF's BFF got ANGRY at me for pecking my best friend. It was just a quick, grandma kiss on the lips when we parted ways, and I did it in front of EVERYONE, as I didn't see anything wrong with it. It was not romantic, it was not sexy.

But anyway, I have become now EXTRA sensitive against things like that, that may cross that fine line. So I steer clear of that line altogether. I wear a solitaire promise ring, or my eternity band on "that finger" to deter strangers from approaching me. I can say it works most of the time, but one particular coworker nodded towards it, then asked me out. ASKED ME OUT. I said, "You see the ring on my finger, you know I have a boyfriend, what makes you think I would ever go out with you?" And he dared reply that I'm not taken until the papers are signed! And worse, he even commented that even after papers are signed, what he won't know, won't hurt him! I hate fine examples of douchebaggery like that. So a$$hats like that do exist.

SO is extra sensitive about the flirting/cheating thing, as every person around him has cheated on their partners. ALL his friends have cheated. He had a lot of problems with me being overly friendly, though he never brought it up. He kept all that hidden away, until he burst at me for going to other friends with my problems, instead of him. I had a good argument, to defend myself, but in the end I realized that I was hurting him, and that's all that matters. I have to not hurt him.

I guess I became so anti-cheating that it seriously appalls me when "taken" people cross lines.. or get too close to them. If I was on a strict diet, I wouldn't go to bakeries to sniff on cakes.. because I might be strong a few times, but eventually, I'll eat my damned cake. I asked because I was curious about everyone else's thoughts.. because I'm VERY bothered by others' blurring of the line, and I have no idea why the hell I even give a damn.

 

[pandabee]

I don't think you are strange for being extremely bothered by it. I personally have not had experiences with issues crossing the line or cheating (and hopefully I never will) but I have seen it tear some of my close friend's relationships apart, and even seen one of my best friends as "the other woman." I will never condone cheating on a significant other...there's always a reason that the transgression occurs but I don't feel like there can ever be a good reason for it. I have always told myself that if someone cheated on me, that would be the end--no second chances. Like I said, I hope that I will never have to make that choice but I've always thought that was the way it is...if you're committed, be committed. I am fortunate to have grown up with strong relationships around me that I wouldn't think there was any other right way. SO hasn't explicitly said that he has the same thinking as me but from our conversations and talking about what has happened to some of our friends, I know he feels the same.

 

[lkc84]

I've always had a lot of male friends, and I work in a male dominated field, so I'm comfortable interacting with guys. I was never a good flirt, and I usually only knew guys were into me when someone pretty much hit me over the head with it, lol. So if someone flirts, I usually think he is just being nice and I totally miss it. I'm usually pretty open and friendly to most people, so hopefully I haven't given out any false vibes. If I did, I tend to drop the "I'm taken" bomb rather quickly, so hopefully that clears things up BF gets blatantly hit on, especially by the cougars (lol), but he is usually just friendly to them and laughs about it to me later.

We've never had a problem with each other's friends, but once a friend's wife drunkenly admitted to me that she hated me when she first met me because she thought I was a threat. I had known the guy since I was 6 years old and he's literally like a brother to me. I had to stifle a laugh. But we get along totally fine now that she knows that nothing will ever (ever!) happen.

Madalise---I can't believe that guy did that! What a huge d-bag!

 

[gem_anemone]

I was trying to carefully word my question to you, madelise, because I didn't want to come off as though I was assuming your SO was up to no good. I see now that you did have someone bothering you...your coworker! I would definitely steer clear of him if I were you! He seems like a total tool!

I think flirting can be seen as kind of the "gateway" to cheating, so I can see why you are bothered by it when those in committed relationships are actively participating. One wrong flirt and they could wind up getting emotionally attached to the person they are flirting with...Like you said with your sweet shop analogy, why even put themselves in that tempting situation? Why flirt when it could possibly lead to cheating? They're only asking for trouble!

 

[madelise]

I was trying to carefully word my question to you, madelise, because I didn't want to come off as though I was assuming your SO was up to no good. I see now that you did have someone bothering you...your coworker! I would definitely steer clear of him if I were you! He seems like a total tool!

I think flirting can be seen as kind of the "gateway" to cheating, so I can see why you are bothered by it when those in committed relationships are actively participating. One wrong flirt and they could wind up getting emotionally attached to the person they are flirting with...Like you said with your sweet shop analogy, why even put themselves in that tempting situation? Why flirt when it could possibly lead to cheating? They're only asking for trouble!

:p don't even worry about carefully wording things with me. See: my face palm thread on hangout. Haha! I'm queen of saying the worst things, in the wrong way.

No, actually this thing w/ my coworker happened a few weeks ago. I haven't worked in a while, so I haven't seen him. I have coworkers there are in all sorts of open relationships, and that doesn't bother me.

Someone ELSE's actions, very public actions, are bothering me.. And it has nothing to do with me at all. I dno why I'm bothered, but I am.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

There was this one girl who was on the rocks with her boyfriend, and was texting my SO all about it and then suggested that just she and him should go out for drinks. He considered it, mostly because he's a therapist and wanted to try to work his professional magic on her. That was the only time my radar was on high alert. After many disagreements about what this meant, I learned that I had to trust my SO and that I was feeling insecure about HER and MYSELF, and not my SO. Even though she was on the prowl, he was not.

I'm curious, did you let your SO go out for drinks with her?

No, he ended up not going. He kept insisting that they were just friends, but I was more worried about her than him. I told him I was really uncomfortable with it, especially since she had just broken up with her boyfriend and it was clear she was looking to bark up another tree. But I did finally say that if you're comfortable with it, and you think it'd be completely platonic then go, because friends should support each other and that I should trust him even if I was uncomfortable with it. He never followed up with her. They are still friends, and hang out in a large social group, which I'm totally fine with, because everyone knows I am the girlfriend . I've even hung out with her a few times, and in large groups she is a lot of fun.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

I think flirting can be seen as kind of the "gateway" to cheating, so I can see why you are bothered by it when those in committed relationships are actively participating. One wrong flirt and they could wind up getting emotionally attached to the person they are flirting with...Like you said with your sweet shop analogy, why even put themselves in that tempting situation? Why flirt when it could possibly lead to cheating? They're only asking for trouble!

I totally agree with this! If you are flirting and are in a monogamous relationship, why tempt yourself?? Flirting would not be a good way of exercising self control. I'd rather go to the bakery. You can eat a cupcake in moderation. I'm pretty sure you can't have make out or have sex in moderation.

 

[Chewbacca]

A woman kissed my SO a few years ago. It was by complete surprise (to him), and he felt absolutely sick with anxiety over it! She knew he was in a LTR, but unfortunately her actions were of no surprise based on her character.

I think there is a vibe or feeling that you get in that fine line between flirting and being friendly. I think that chit-chat flirting.. i.e. 'Hi beautiful, how is your week going?' with STRANGERS, aka sales people, at the post office, etc is NBD. So long as its not CREEPY of course. If I feel the vibe, I remove myself quick-smart!

 

[Chewbacca]

Oops double post!

 

[missy]

I think flirting can be seen as kind of the "gateway" to cheating, so I can see why you are bothered by it when those in committed relationships are actively participating. One wrong flirt and they could wind up getting emotionally attached to the person they are flirting with...Like you said with your sweet shop analogy, why even put themselves in that tempting situation? Why flirt when it could possibly lead to cheating? They're only asking for trouble!

I totally agree with this! If you are flirting and are in a monogamous relationship, why tempt yourself?? Flirting would not be a good way of exercising self control. I'd rather go to the bakery. You can eat a cupcake in moderation. I'm pretty sure you can't have make out or have sex in moderation.

LOL, exactly! It's like being a little pregnant. You either are or you're not. I agree 100% with the flirting thing. It's OK if you are both single and available but otherwise- why? I am a secure confident woman but I do not like any woman flirting with my man. Period. I know he's handsome, sexy, smart and funny. I don't need validation of his many charms from other women. No thank you.

ETA: There's a big enough difference b/w being friendly vs. flirting that you just know.

 

[sonnyjane]

There was this one girl who was on the rocks with her boyfriend, and was texting my SO all about it and then suggested that just she and him should go out for drinks. He considered it, mostly because he's a therapist and wanted to try to work his professional magic on her. That was the only time my radar was on high alert. After many disagreements about what this meant, I learned that I had to trust my SO and that I was feeling insecure about HER and MYSELF, and not my SO. Even though she was on the prowl, he was not.

I'm curious, did you let your SO go out for drinks with her?

No, he ended up not going. He kept insisting that they were just friends, but I was more worried about her than him. I told him I was really uncomfortable with it, especially since she had just broken up with her boyfriend and it was clear she was looking to bark up another tree.

This reminds me of a situation I had with a HORRIBLE woman several years ago when my husband and I first got married. Her husband and my husband are both in the military and used to be stationed at the same base and were really close friends, and the three of them actually shared an apartment before I was in the picture. Her husband was deployed while mine was home. It started off harmless enough. She was home alone without her husband and called mine to come over and change her oil or fix things around the house. At first, she would buy him a six-pack of beer as a "thanks" for driving over and helping her. They had been friends for years so I didn't think much of it, honestly. Then she started drunk dialing him at 2:00 AM, saying they should "hang out and go to dinner". I told him "NO WAY BUDDY" lol. He thought I was overprotective at first because, again, they had all been friends and lived together in the past so he told me he thought of her as a "sister" and insisted that her invites were purely friendly. Well, one night my husband, myself, and this girl were all out at a bar with mutual friends and this biatch sits down on my husband's lap right in front of me. She starts rambling on and on about what a great guy he is and then says, in front of an entire room of witnesses, "If anything ever happens to my husband, I'm coming after yours!"......

I never spoke to her again and luckily we were transferred to a different station a month later. I hope we honestly never see her again. DH understood after that night that I wasn't just being jealous, that this girl was legitimately a psycho.

 

[madelise]

I think flirting can be seen as kind of the "gateway" to cheating, so I can see why you are bothered by it when those in committed relationships are actively participating. One wrong flirt and they could wind up getting emotionally attached to the person they are flirting with...Like you said with your sweet shop analogy, why even put themselves in that tempting situation? Why flirt when it could possibly lead to cheating? They're only asking for trouble!

I totally agree with this! If you are flirting and are in a monogamous relationship, why tempt yourself?? Flirting would not be a good way of exercising self control. I'd rather go to the bakery. You can eat a cupcake in moderation. I'm pretty sure you can't have make out or have sex in moderation.

+1 +1 +1!!

HAHA, actually, in MY case, there's no such thing as moderation with cupcakes… only TOO MUCH to the point of sickness! HAHA! This is why dieting never works for me It's either I altogether, 100% quit something.. or I don't. Which is why I "quit" flirting when I'm committed. I don't like temptation.

"just the tip"? HAHAHAHA. That's sex in "moderation"…. Okay before I get spanked, I'll stop.

 

[madelise]

I think flirting can be seen as kind of the "gateway" to cheating, so I can see why you are bothered by it when those in committed relationships are actively participating. One wrong flirt and they could wind up getting emotionally attached to the person they are flirting with...Like you said with your sweet shop analogy, why even put themselves in that tempting situation? Why flirt when it could possibly lead to cheating? They're only asking for trouble!

I totally agree with this! If you are flirting and are in a monogamous relationship, why tempt yourself?? Flirting would not be a good way of exercising self control. I'd rather go to the bakery. You can eat a cupcake in moderation. I'm pretty sure you can't have make out or have sex in moderation.

LOL, exactly! It's like being a little pregnant. You either are or you're not. I agree 100% with the flirting thing. It's OK if you are both single and available but otherwise- why? I am a secure confident woman but I do not like any woman flirting with my man. Period. I know he's handsome, sexy, smart and funny. I don't need validation of his many charms from other women. No thank you.

ETA: There's a big enough difference b/w being friendly vs. flirting that you just know.

Bolded part is exactly what I'm trying to clarify with everyone, though. Where IS that line? Where do you say, "okay, no that's not okay"? I know that line is at a different location on the spectrum for everyone.

Like, would you be okay with your SO buying another person a gift, "just because"? Flowers? On their birthday? Would you ever drive to a friend's house with Nyquil, Puffs, and hot home made soup when he/she is sick, with a movie in toll, so you can take care of him/her? Is cuddling out of the question? Are sexual innuendo comments inappropriate? Do you think dinner out with another person, just the two people, is okay? If it is okay at a regular ol' casual burger joint, what about a dressy, upscale $$$$$ restaurant? Does the location/context change it? Does the specific individual change it? Like, a mutual friend that you know and trust would be okay, but someone you don't know wouldn't?

Where is that line for you?


Help me try to figure out my own thoughts I think when I watch other people play with fire, I get annoyed because I don't know where my own line is. Like, I'd totally expect SO to be fine that I went to lunch with a close male friend that I grew up with. But what if it was a new guy, one that I met through work or school, that I had just met, and SO doesn't know? Is that wrong? I guess I'd never even go there, because I try to keep SO f a r from the line that I don't even know where the line is anymore.

 

[sonnyjane]

Bolded part is exactly what I'm trying to clarify with everyone, though. Where IS that line? Where do you say, "okay, no that's not okay"? I know that line is at a different location on the spectrum for everyone.

Like, would you be okay with your SO buying another person a gift, "just because"? Flowers? On their birthday? Would you ever drive to a friend's house with Nyquil, Puffs, and hot home made soup when he/she is sick, with a movie in toll, so you can take care of him/her? Is cuddling out of the question? Are sexual innuendo comments inappropriate? Do you think dinner out with another person, just the two people, is okay? If it is okay at a regular ol' casual burger joint, what about a dressy, upscale $$$$$ restaurant? Does the location/context change it? Does the specific individual change it? Like, a mutual friend that you know and trust would be okay, but someone you don't know wouldn't?

Where is that line for you?


Help me try to figure out my own thoughts I think when I watch other people play with fire, I get annoyed because I don't know where my own line is. Like, I'd totally expect SO to be fine that I went to lunch with a close male friend that I grew up with. But what if it was a new guy, one that I met through work or school, that I had just met, and SO doesn't know? Is that wrong? I guess I'd never even go there, because I try to keep SO f a r from the line that I don't even know where the line is anymore.

So, I would say that a peck on the mouth as you described earlier is definitely over "my" line. I think that it's okay to go to dinner alone with a friend of the opposite sex IF your SO was invited and couldn't make it. I think that the invitation to join should always be extended. One of my guy friends from high school was in my town on business a few months ago and wanted to go to dinner. I asked my husband to join but he couldn't because of work, so my friend and I went alone, but I did invite my hubby along first. I would say cuddling is ABSOLUTELY out of the question. Sexual innuendo comments in GENERAL (i.e. dirty jokes) are fine "for me", but if it was a sexual innuendo about the other person, that's not cool with me. And yes, a mutual friend (especially and preferably one that's already in a romantic relationship lol) is much preferred to someone I don't know, and if it was someone I didn't know and I wasn't invited then it would for sure not be cool with me unless there were extenuating circumstances (I'm out of town, can't make it, etc. etc.)

Meeting someone in a class or at work and going out with them ANYWHERE alone without them first meeting your SO would be really, really shady, in my opinion, and I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to this stuff.

 

[gem_anemone]

No, he ended up not going. He kept insisting that they were just friends, but I was more worried about her than him. I told him I was really uncomfortable with it, especially since she had just broken up with her boyfriend and it was clear she was looking to bark up another tree. But I did finally say that if you're comfortable with it, and you think it'd be completely platonic then go, because friends should support each other and that I should trust him even if I was uncomfortable with it. He never followed up with her. They are still friends, and hang out in a large social group, which I'm totally fine with, because everyone knows I am the girlfriend . I've even hung out with her a few times, and in large groups she is a lot of fun.

Oh good I'm glad he changed his mind!

 

[gem_anemone]

I never spoke to her again and luckily we were transferred to a different station a month later. I hope we honestly never see her again. DH understood after that night that I wasn't just being jealous, that this girl was legitimately a psycho.

OMG what a crazy lady! The story I told above was similar regarding my husband not realizing the extent of the other woman's crush on him. It wasn't until she did something somewhat extreme that he finally saw it my way.

 

[missy]

Bolded part is exactly what I'm trying to clarify with everyone, though. Where IS that line? Where do you say, "okay, no that's not okay"? I know that line is at a different location on the spectrum for everyone.

Like, would you be okay with your SO buying another person a gift, "just because"? Flowers? On their birthday? Would you ever drive to a friend's house with Nyquil, Puffs, and hot home made soup when he/she is sick, with a movie in toll, so you can take care of him/her? Is cuddling out of the question? Are sexual innuendo comments inappropriate? Do you think dinner out with another person, just the two people, is okay? If it is okay at a regular ol' casual burger joint, what about a dressy, upscale $$$$$ restaurant? Does the location/context change it? Does the specific individual change it? Like, a mutual friend that you know and trust would be okay, but someone you don't know wouldn't?

Where is that line for you?


Help me try to figure out my own thoughts I think when I watch other people play with fire, I get annoyed because I don't know where my own line is. Like, I'd totally expect SO to be fine that I went to lunch with a close male friend that I grew up with. But what if it was a new guy, one that I met through work or school, that I had just met, and SO doesn't know? Is that wrong? I guess I'd never even go there, because I try to keep SO f a r from the line that I don't even know where the line is anymore.

So, I would say that a peck on the mouth as you described earlier is definitely over "my" line. I think that it's okay to go to dinner alone with a friend of the opposite sex IF your SO was invited and couldn't make it. I think that the invitation to join should always be extended. One of my guy friends from high school was in my town on business a few months ago and wanted to go to dinner. I asked my husband to join but he couldn't because of work, so my friend and I went alone, but I did invite my hubby along first. I would say cuddling is ABSOLUTELY out of the question. Sexual innuendo comments in GENERAL (i.e. dirty jokes) are fine "for me", but if it was a sexual innuendo about the other person, that's not cool with me. And yes, a mutual friend (especially and preferably one that's already in a romantic relationship lol) is much preferred to someone I don't know, and if it was someone I didn't know and I wasn't invited then it would for sure not be cool with me unless there were extenuating circumstances (I'm out of town, can't make it, etc. etc.)

Meeting someone in a class or at work and going out with them ANYWHERE alone without them first meeting your SO would be really, really shady, in my opinion, and I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to this stuff.

Sonnyjane, that woman might not be crazy at all- just a big fat cheat and not so nice person! I feel for her poor husband (unless he is just like her that is).

Cuddling with a friend of the opposite sex is over the line for me. Kissing on the lips- not comfortable with either but I don't think of that as over the line in some cases (my uncle kisses every woman he knows on the lips when greeting-weird but it is what it is-he definitely is not flirting). I generally need to be in the specific situation to know if it is flirting or over the line which is why I wrote what I did but I'll try and generalize for you. Know that it might depend though on the exact circumstances.

I agree with Sonnyjane in that if my dh receives an invite from a girlfriend of his I must be included in that invite. Must I go? Probably but it depends. But I must be invited. If it's a group of his friends with some women in the mix that's fine but just a one on one not so comfortable with that arrangement.

Any type of behavior that you would not be 100% comfortable doing if your spouse was observing the 2 of you is over the line as well. Even if you think it is harmless. If your spouse/SO was there and you would not do it then don't do it if they are not there. Touching the face, leg, butt not appropriate. Hugging is OK but again you need to be in the situation to accurately judge.

Gifts to the opposite sex from both of us is just fine. From my dh to another woman (besides his mom or my mom or my sister) not OK.

There are more scenarios but I am drawing a total blank right now madelise. Please post scenarios for more clarification if you want more opinions. I'm happy to share my conservative views on this topic. I am, for the record, socially liberal- but not when it comes to flirting when one is married or in a serious relationship!!

 

[missy]

I never spoke to her again and luckily we were transferred to a different station a month later. I hope we honestly never see her again. DH understood after that night that I wasn't just being jealous, that this girl was legitimately a psycho.

OMG what a crazy lady! The story I told above was similar regarding my husband not realizing the extent of the other woman's crush on him. It wasn't until she did something somewhat extreme that he finally saw it my way.

I find that quite often many men are a bit daft when it comes to recognizing the signs of a woman who is interested. My dh had a coworker who used to email him (not realizing it was a shared email as that was the address my dh gave her). And some of her emails were so over the line but my dh didn't think so at the time. Until finally, she sent an email that made my head explode and when I pointed it out to my dh it was like a lightbulb went off in his head. D'oh! I was furious with this woman and my dh for letting the emails continue to get to that point. Now my dh didn't realize it and he knew I was getting all the emails as well so I don't feel like he was doing anything on the down low here at all. But I was angry that he didn't see the signs before that last email. He promptly emailed her back writing that it was inappropriate and that he didn't want any more emails. They were no longer coworkers and even when they worked for the same company they were on opposite coasts. So they rarely saw each other. It was very disturbing for me and took me some time to feel better about things even though I knew my dh had no flirting intent at all. Just that he couldn't recognize it sooner was what upset me.

I am going to see if I can find some of those emails because it might help clarify what I think (and was ultimately right!) is over the line!

ETA: Here is just a taste...unbelievable!!!!! I'm getting upset all over again though this happened over a year ago!
This was all happening as my dh was making a career change and leaving the company he was working for. This woman had already left. The CEO of the company was a sociopath.

I edited the emails to remove any identifying characteristics ie names and name of company...

Hey (name of my dh) – I am in wall to wall meetings starting tomorrow and just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and just know that you are going to land in the most perfect place as you are a ROCK STAR. I am in Marina Del Rey overlooking the harbor and sending you the best thoughts! You really helped me understand the man that I need in my life…No more intense and unbalanced nut jobs! Interesting but the journey is way too long and not half as much fun! As I told my nieces and nephews (God Mother to all)……Have Fun, Be Happy – Life is too short for anything else!!!

I am always so happy to hear from you and not one Man at (company they no longer worked for) got to see my silly side….so I appreciate that you allowed me to be me. I am reading this now and of course you nailed it….nothing is worth the insanity….NOTHING! Okay, I have so many clients that are so casual but perhaps this recent photo is too much. I was going for the look like the chicks on fox news who are smart and still show their arms. Okay, I am going to button it up after I’ve had my fun…hysterical emails that I am receiving.
I am reading now and so glad to catch up with YOU – call me in a couple of days!

Very proud of you (full name including middle initial!)……. I have meant to ask you does (the middle initial) stand for ? I have been thinking - (she guessed wrong middle name). Be sure to tell me when we talk in a few days!! If you need more fun at work, let me give you my username and password for eharmony and you can prequalify the men in my inbox. Last I checked, I had 175 hits in two days. Be prepared, an out of work actor and a cardiologist that leads at Cedars are in there….this will always keep you and the rest of the world laughing – that’s a given!
You made the right decision and I want to remind you of that when we talk! Nothing is worth jeopardizing our reputation and that’s all part of doing the right thing : )!

I am so proud of you and if you weren't already married I'd want to marry you. Please reach out and I want to help decompress as I learned how to deal with this trauma well. Your life will be amazing! Oceans of love, d
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

OK, so hopefully sharing some of these emails will clarify what I consider to be NOT OK...

 

[AmeliaG]

Wow, missy, just wow.

Before I saw the emails, I was going to say I wasn't surprised because I've found women can often read other women's intentions better than men can.

But even I am at a loss of why your DH didn't get it. Is he a counselor by any chance or a motivational coach? I met one in a group coaching call last night and he was comfortable hearing all sorts of awkward confidences from strange women. Of course, he was acting in his role as coach but I can see him getting a flirtatious email and treating it like a coaching conversation.

 

[AmeliaG]

My line not to be crossed: yoga with an opposite sex partner. I've heard that men and women can do intensely physical yoga routines together and not feel a physical attraction but after knowing of three couples that broke up because one of them decided they liked their yoga partner more, that's on my unacceptable list.

 

[missy]

Wow, missy, just wow.

Before I saw the emails, I was going to say I wasn't surprised because I've found women can often read other women's intentions better than men can.

But even I am at a loss of why your DH didn't get it. Is he a counselor by any chance or a motivational coach? I met one in a group coaching call last night and he was comfortable hearing all sorts of awkward confidences from strange women. Of course, he was acting in his role as coach but I can see him getting a flirtatious email and treating it like a coaching conversation.

LOL, no, he's not but he is a very positive person who sees the best in everyone. He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and thinks most people have the best intentions. He is very generous and warm. And while that is a good trait it can also be a bad one.

He "got" it by the last couple of emails for sure and I didn't share the less insidious emails but even those put my radar on (less) high alert if you kwim. The thing is, we trust each other completely but I do not trust his judgment completely and he knows it and he does share everything with me. So that's all good. But, I do wish he was more savvy when it came to things like this. He is very sophisticated in most areas but for this-though he is getting wiser for sure. I see the improvement in this area and I am glad for it.

 

[missy]

My line not to be crossed: yoga with an opposite sex partner. I've heard that men and women can do intensely physical yoga routines together and not feel a physical attraction but after knowing of three couples that broke up because one of them decided they liked their yoga partner more, that's on my unacceptable list.

For sure. Also, look how many actors "fall in love" with each other during the making of a film. They are close to each other for long periods of time and well, it's just tempting fate. Actors can be less stable in their personal relationships than "ordinary" folk but the conditions they work under for long periods of time in close proximity well I can see how it might happen. Physical attraction can be a strong draw. Add to that the emotional undercurrents of the role and the working conditions and perhaps not seeing each others SO for long periods of time and recipe for disaster. Not saying it happens most of the time but I can see how it can happen some of the time.

 

[sonnyjane]

Missy,

Yup that's pretty clear lol!

 

[missy]

Missy,

Yup that's pretty clear lol!

Yeah, I think so too.

 

[gem_anemone]

OK, so hopefully sharing some of these emails will clarify what I consider to be NOT OK...

I am getting pissed thinking about someone sending emails like that to my DH! UGH! Totally inappropriate!

The girl that had a crush on my husband played it off for years as though they were just really good friends, but she would write comments on his FB/Myspace wall about how hot he was, she asked him to write her poems and she always mentioned that *he* (not *we*) should move across the country where she lived. I met her exactly one time when she came in to town. We were just bf/gf and not engaged, although I'm pretty sure we lived together at this point. During the conversation I kept coming up with things to ask her about her life, her job etc to try to get to know her. She didn't ONCE ask me anything about myself or try to get to know me. She only wanted to reminisce about old times with my husband and talk about people I didn't know. At one point I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came out of the bathroom she had pulled out her camera and was snapping photos of herself and my husband. She never asked to take a pic of the three of us... NOTHING.

Then she went home; never bothered to friend request me on FB, but she asked my husband for a poem on his FB wall. I wanted to see what he wrote so I friend requested her. Well it sat there for a week with no action! I finally said to my husband that she was ignoring my friend request. He basically had to force her to accept it! She told him she was a "private person" and didn't want "random people on her friend list", but she guesses she could "make an exception". As if her really good friend's live-in girlfriend was somehow random. Once she accepted it I saw she had 450 people on her list!! No one is good friends with 450 people!

Well that's when I decided that there was no way I even wanted to be friends with this girl. So I sent her a message that pretty much said "Nevermind. If you have to be talked into being my friend then I don't want to be your friend either." and removed her from my list. We had a few more exchanges. She accused me of only friend requesting her to see her wall (it kind of was, but who is she to judge?). I told her if I wanted to see her wall that I would just log in as my husband and see for myself.... etc. Then she copied my husband on them, trying to get me in trouble or something...? At that point my husband still thought we would somehow work it out for his sake. Well uhhh no...

Weeks went by with nothing and this is the shocker...she blocked him from seeing her FB page! Apparently the thought of me even seeing her page made her so sick that she didn't even allow my husband access anymore! That was when he finally realized she was a nutjob and that I was right and that their close friendship only existed because she had held a torch for him all those years.

And actually... the real shocker to this story is that I never have to worry about her again because she died in a horrible accident. I felt kind if guilty that my husband had cut off contact with her and then that happened. But....not like I knew the future, ya know?