Fighting with BF over lifestyle choices... aka cookies...need advice

[dani2142]

Yo go girl!!! LOL that saying never gets old

I''m proud of you that you stood up for yourself. Sometimes it''s hard to do that with people we love. However I thnk you knew what he said and the way he is treating you is wrong and you don''t deserve it. You can do way better. I think you know that. If you didn''t you wouldn''t have felt the need to blog about your bf... know what I mean? Don''t ever sell yourself short. If you ever think to yourself "wow this isn''t right... or I can do better." Then you can. Never, ever settle! I''ve been there, done that and would never do it again. There is someone out there that will love you for you.. and never comment on what you eat. The man for you will love you no matter what and will always put your happiness before anything. So stick to your guns girlie! Good luck to you

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Wow, what a courageous move you made!

Your life is not about his approval--no matter how hard he tries to convince you otherwise!

cheers--Sharon

 

[princesss]

Ditto cara and NF.

You did an amazing thing for yourself, sweetie, and even though it''s probably going to get harder before it gets easier, you did the right thing. I wish I''d had the strength you have when I was going through this.

 

[bubbly1126]

Oh, LamborghiniGirl, red flags all over the place... I won''t go into them since I think you''re starting to see him for who he truly is all on your own. I am very happy that you''re coming to the realization that you can''t change him, only he can do that and obviously right now he can''t. What you do in the end is your decision but I believe you deserve someone who will love you and respect you NO MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE!

No one should EVER make you feel the way he did when he said those things... EVER. As long as you are comfortable in your own skin, THAT is what matters!

 

[jet2ks]

Hey LG, just thought you might like a guy's perspective.

From where I sit, what your bf said was shallow, selfish and a reflection of his true feelings. He doesn't need to learn to say things differently because while how they are said might change how you feel, it will never change how HE feels. It is one thing to positively encourage someone to be healthier, it is quite another to say that you wouldn't be attracted to them when/if they gain weight.

I'll be honest. I encourage my fiance to work out at her fitness center. The reason I do that is because SHE feels better when she is on a regular exercise program (less stressed, happier) and will beat herself up mentally when she misses a workout. I would never, ever say anything to her about how I wouldn't be attracted if fill in the blank because I love her for much more than her physical looks. That definitely helped me notice her, but is not what made me love her.

Your bf needs to grow up and realize that love and lust are separate things. His comments show that he is lusting after your body and physical affections, not loving you as a whole person.

Hoping the best for you.

Edited to add: I am really not trying to pile on the boyfriend. To be perfectly fair, it is possible he has never really been in love and doesn't realize that feelings go deeper than what he is experiencing now. Then again, maybe he is just shallow and manipulative--I don't know. What I do know is that someone who isn't experiencing real love and finding ways to express it is not ready for a committed relationship, much less marriage and a family.

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. You all make me seem so strong and I really am not. I don''t even feel like I can go out; I have been crying on and off this entire time, and it has gotten embarrassing how I will be in line at CVS or walking down the street and tears are steaming down. It''s looking like I will be spending tonight in!

 

[TripleG]

I''ve read through this thread because it caught my attention. I just wanted to chime in and say you are beautiful. Something or someone is making you feel less than who you are and thats always a sad situation. Just take some time away from it, take a tripe somewhere or get away somewhere that you can remember who you are. I think it was your picture you posted the other day in your avatar and you have to know that physically you are beautiful, inside you seem like a beautiful person too so you should take pride in who you are. Your BF has issues. It doesnt make his point of view wrong to say he wants someone to be the same as him, but the way hes going about it is wrong. My FI is a heavy runner, has done over 80 marathons. I never liked running. When we got together he suggested I try it to be healthier. I had some weight to lose but that wasnt his point. We started traveling for runs and I got better at it as the years progressed and we run together now and its so much fun. We look back at pictures and realize that I know who I am now more because of him. I think its not going to help you to hear why your BF is doing what he is, or saying what he is. Just know this, you have worth and value and only you can decide what is important to you. Don''t lose yourself in all of this mess. Take some time to talk things through with a close friend or just go have a Spa day somewhere or a walk in a park by yourself, listen to some music, take a long bath whatever it takes to give yourself more time.

Good Luck and remember time will help you make a decision and make you feel better.

 

[dragonfly411]

LG - I just wanted to offer my sympathy and also to tell you to hang in there. I do think you made the right choice by leaving. Although it IS important to lead a healthy lifestyle, healthy also means HAPPY. That means if you want to indulge in some cookies, and it makes you happy, and it''s not every day sitting down and eating 20 cookies, then eat the dang cookies!

Just like I ate ice cream last night

. Indulgences are part of being healthy, they make you feel good.
You should NEVER be with someone who doesn''t appreciate you inside and out no matter what, because you will spend your life feeling criticized and never completely good enough for them. My ex once told me I was overweight and needed to lose weight. I left him a week later. My SO now couldn''t care less as long as I am happy, and supports me in everything I do. You WILL find someone who appreciates everything about you.... including your cookies

Good for you for leaving, and I hope you feel better. I know it is rough to walk away, but you have to think about your life in the long run and whether you want a health babysitter for forever (This coming from a health nut too!)

 

[Allisonfaye]

You are not being ridiculous.

I once dated a guy who was a health food fanatic. He worked out and all of that and constantly harassed me about everything I ate. I grew to hate him and eventually (after 1.5 years) ended the relationship. I know his heart was in the right place but I couldn''t live like that. I used to look at him in the middle of the night and think about stabbing him. (I am not typically a violent person).

My DH is just the opposite. He never bugs me about much of anything that I do. I struggle with sweets and desserts too. I don''t eat 10 cookies, but I will eat something sweet just about every day. I would look much better if I lost 5-8 pounds. But I enjoy my food. I look at DH in the middle of the night and think ''I love him''.

You either need to get this guy to stop doing this or end the relationship. I don''t think you can change the way that he feels in therapy though.

 

[phoenixgirl]

LG, you *are* strong!!!! Really, I think a lot of women would "cave" as long as their BF does any little thing to make up for what he did. But this can''t be fixed with an I''m sorry or flowers. It''s an issue of incompatibility. You are absolutely doing the right thing. You gave him a second chance, and all he did was prove that he still didn''t get it, that he will never get it, that deep down at heart he thinks he''s right to judge, criticize, and nag you.

Just relax tonight and do whatever you like to do when you need a pick me up (for me that would be wrapping up in blanket and watching cheesy movies).

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

Thank you everyone for your support. I have been trying to keep busy but I am still not doing well at all. I just can't stop crying. I did go on a long walk this morning down to the ocean which was nice, and I think I am going to watch a funny movie tonight to hopefully lift my spirits temporarily!

What is ironic is that now, after all of this, the thought of anything sweet makes me feel sick and want to cry.

Again thank you for your thoughts and reassurance, I think this will be my last post about all this as I cam going to try to feel better. It's just so hard, it's hard to imagine my life without him.

I'll see everyone over in the other forums!

 

[neatfreak]

You can post as many posts about it as you want. Ending a relationship is always hard even when you know it''s the right thing. Stay strong-your knight in shining armor will come soon!

 

[tlh]

I''m sorry about your breakup. It was a lot more than just eating some cookies.

Now, just to give a weird slant... since I''m a bit off anyway. I often tell my hubs I''d leave him if he got fat... and it is reciprocal. I''d also leave him if he let ME get fat. here''s my thoughts though, so bare with me. Often indulgences, and weight gain can be a sign of something else...like depression or an illness. My thoughts really are that I would want my hubbie to step in after 20-30 pounds... and try to get me some help, before my weight escalated 50-100 pounds. (A lot easier to lose 20 pounds than 100 pounds.) This isn''t about the weight or being perceived as attractive... it is about us noticing what is going on with the other... and trying to get the other person help. I''d be upset if he didn''t notice, or care.

That said though, we like being active, and we''re active together. I hate strength training, but I do it because he loves it. He HATES running, and well, he''s running marathons by my side - because I love it.

Maybe if you two do work this out, you can work out together - since he loves it so much. I know you don''t love it.. but he does... and maybe he can have an occasional cookie with you? My point is, sometimes we have to stretch ourselves and do things the other person enjoys... but in the end, if you really hate it... and fitness means a lot to him... sometimes it is best to not try to force the square peg in the round hole.

((hugs))

 

[phoenixgirl]

LG, hang in there! We''ve all been there, and it''s no fun. You just need to cocoon a little and take it easy.

tlh, I think this is more about saying the other person isn''t good enough as she is, not about health or trying to appreciate the other person''s interests. It would be one thing if her health suddenly deteriorated, but it sounds like LG has maintained the same weight since they met with some minor fluctuations.

I''ve seen too many relationships where one person tries to change the other; it almost always either ends in a break-up or with one person becoming "whipped," just sacrificing his or her dignity to keep the other person around. I have a friend who complains constantly to me about her boyfriend in front of him. They just moved in together and she is totally fixated on his stuff being everywhere and making him put everything away "just so" all the time (he does not appear to be a messy person to me, just a guy in his late 30s who needs a place in her apartment for his belongings). She''s always like, "So, I make him these lists, but he won''t follow them. Do you have this problem?" I''m like, girl, forget the lists, get yourself a maid, and give the guy a break! I feel like this is what LG''s boyfriend is doing. He''s like, sure, I''ll love you as long as you do what I want. That''s conditional love. That''s "I hope you''ll change" love. "Everything will be perfect if you''ll just . . ."

My marriage isn''t perfect; I''m not perfect; DH isn''t perfect. But we like each other the way we are. There''s no list of changes we''re supposed to make for each other. Maybe I''m naive, but I think everybody deserves that: someone who loves and accepts you the way you are, someone who is your biggest cheerleader both when you decide to make a change in your life and when you are just the same old you he fell in love with.

 

[trillionaire]

I''m sorry you are having a hard time, but I am glad you kept your self respect and walked away. BF sounded like a bully.

Don''t worry, I''ll eat your sweets for you until you feel better!

BIG HUGS!!!

 

[*Danielle*]

I am truly sorry for your heartbreak. I know how painful this can be for you but we all know something good will come of it.

Big hugs and support!

 

[sparkly_stars]

I''m glad you did what was right for you.
Reading the thread, I feel as though I am on the fence about the issue.

I don''t think its completely unreasonable for him to tell you his feelings. And, its not as though he is not aloud to feel them. I DO however think that you are entitled to do/eat whatever you want.

Attraction is important, and if he feels that physically it''ll make THAT big of an impact, without supporting you- then that is HIS lost, not yours.

Although, the fact that you said he never makes the comment hurtful, or in spite is probably why I''m on the fence. He wants the two of you to have that appeal, and for the two of you to BE attractive together.

I say that, because when I started gaining weight- I was in denial about it, and when I''d bring it up FI always said "no you look amazing, you can''t tell anything" I''m SURE had he said anything different I''d have been hurt- BUT, eventually I had to work my way at losing all the weight I had gained, and THAT was frustrating. Being on the other side, I wish he had been a little more straight forward as to how far I was actually slipping. You don''t realize when it happens, until its too late.

I know what I said might go against the grain of what EVERYONE else feels, but personally- I wish my husband would have been more straight forward. I was in denial, and his honesty might have pushed me in the right direction sooner. (way harder to lose weight then it is to gain)

I''ll finish by saying; I again agree with your decision to leave- in the end being happy is about how YOU feel, and how you truthfully feel. I guess I feel mostly on the fence because I was watching a show the other night; and part of the story line was a girl who had left her husband..she had said nothing had really HAPPENED in their marriage that led to the break up (no huge fight, etc etc), it was just HE had changed, and she had not- and they no longer saw eye to eye. She said "I don''t think I should be in the wrong for NOT changing, and I don''t think I should have to stay with someone who has become someone completely different" They basically had grown completely apart, and were different people.
(this all to say, he maybe feels that he shouldn''t be penalized for wanting you to be at your best, the way he fell in love with you etc etc).

Anyways sorry this is so long, I just wanted to balance out the arguments here, because it doesn''t seem as though he intended to hurt you. (oh, LASTLY I SWEAR, I do believe love runs deeper then looks)

wow. way too long, and I realize I AM on the fence- so my arguments kind of counter each other- just throwing in all my thoughts!

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 9/3/2009 10:08:21 AM
Author: LamborghiniGirl


The odd thing is, at this point, I am so upset, the thought of cookies or frosting or any of it makes me sick!

LG -- I think the fact that you''re not eating sweets now that you''re no longer with your bf is very telling.

Is it possible that when you ate a whole carton of B&G''s, or a large amount of frosting, you were in fact bingeing? The only reason I ask is that there was a time when I would eat lots of sweets like that, pretty regularly. It was when I was high school and college aged, but it only happened when was at my parents'' house. Now I realize that at the time, I was reacting to the parental control I felt at home by grabbing what control I could -- over what I ate. From what you''ve said, it does sound like your (ex?) bf is a pretty controlling person.

I''m sorry you''re hurting right now, but like some of the other posters, I saw red flags all over your first post. I hope that this move to your own condo will turn out to be the start of a wonderful new chapter for you!

 

[honey22]

I am very late to this thread but I wanted to say how proud I am of you for sticking up for yourself and kicking that man to the curb. He obviously values the look of your body over your feelings and quite frankly, who wants to be with that sort of person.

Although humiliating to share this, I can say my FI has stood by me through thick and thin. And I mean THICK and THIN! He has always loved me, been attracted to me and found me sexy. When I weighed 58kg and when I weighed 115kg! Now I am back to a more reasonable 85kg *with more work to do* he has never stopped loving my body, never stopped telling me how sexy and beautiful I was and always supported me, even when I am sure my self destructive eating was worrying to him. The point is, he is a real man who loves me for me. And that''s exactly what you deserve darling. A man that loves you for you, not for what your body looks like!