Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity
  • Pricescope Upgrade/Maintenance Is Complete.

    We still have a few things to iron out. If you see any bugs, issues or have any concerns, let us know here in this discussion.

Fiance involvement in wedding plans....

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
1,084
Hello all~

My beloved and I are having a bit of a....er....strained.....couple of days. I''d like him to be more involved and it seems he''s just too busy to be involved at all. We''ve tried the whole dividing up tasks thing but he never seems to remember to actually do his part so I end up doing it anyway. I''ve even tried leaving him completely alone about the wedding planning and just presenting him with 2 or 3 options so he can make comments and maybe a final decision but he seems to simply find the fault in the 3 options instead of actually deciding between them. It''s getting very frustrating as I feel quite deflated after doing all the research and putting in all the time to offer the options only to have them critiqued unfavorably.

I''ve talked to him about this and I''ve given him pretty much the same "arguement" you''ve just read above, but I''m still not getting the outcome I desire. What do I desire? Well, I am very okay with him not being quite the wedding planner that I am......I''m happy to do most of this research and "work", but I would love for him to show more.....I guess it would........interest. Perhaps an idea from him that is original that I haven''t "fed" to him yet? Or bring up how we might organize the rehearsal dinner etc. Just something that comes from HIM first. And at the very least....I''d love for him to be happy I''ve done all the leg work and really consider the options I''ve come up with ......and really take the time to consider them so we can make the final decision together.

Is it a pipe dream to expect him to be this way when it comes to wedding planning? Should I simply stop giving him these options and just make the decisions myself? He and I are paying for this wedding together so I figure if his money is on the table, he''d be more interested in how his half of the money is spent........but it seems like he''d prefer me to just make these decisions without his say so. (although, when I ask him if this is how he''d prefer it, he of course confuses me by saying he really does want a say in things!!! aaarrrggghhhh)

Any advice (preferably from those who''ve been through this)????
 

Sponsored By:

Related topics:

robbie3982

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
3,960
I think some people are into planning things (anything) and some are not. It seems like your FI just doesn''t like planning. It sucks that you want him to be more involved and he doesn''t want to be, but I really don''t think there''s anything to change that. I''m sorry if that''s not the answer you wanted to hear
.

I don''t think this reflects how he feels about you or your wedding, however. He probably sees all the details as not mattering, since the only important thing to him is that he''s marrying you.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,009
There has been many threads about this (mine included) so you are not alone
I accepted it and even came to enjoy it. My DH just DIDN''T care. It is not that he didn''t want to get married or wasn''t excited. He just didn''t care about colors, decor, location, flowers, ex....Do you have a friend, sister, mom who can take his place?
 

sunkist

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2005
Messages
2,964
It seems to me that it is rare for a man to WANT to participate in planning the wedding. Men in general do not like that kind of stuff. My husband planned the honeymoon and the wedding night hotel, etc. He wanted to do it and he enjoyed it. But I planned all the wedding details because it's more in my range of expertese!
I told him along the way what I was doing, asked him his opinion, but didn't "assign" anything to him. Men and women are hardwired differently, we pay attention to different details, and I would never expect a man to throw a party as detailed as a wedding and have it satisfy a woman.

I think you're best bet is to just plan the wedding yourself. Use your family and girl friends, but don't expect your fiance to get into this kind of stuff.
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2006
Messages
2,202
I don''t think its too much to ask that any person be at least useful and up front about their opinions (or lack therof) on something like their wedding. "I like all three equally". Not that hard to say. "I have no personal interest in DJs, but because you asked, I will call some on Saturday." And then do it. Not too much to ask. Doesn''t matter if he''s "a guy" and doesn''t care about weddings, its a matter of respecting you and your time and his word.

As others have said, I think you should give up on him having original inspirations on the rehersal dinner or anything, but you should expect him to treat you fairly, and be excited and positive about stuff you research for the wedding, if for no other reason than its stuff you have spend time on during your day and are sharing with him.

Try one more time with him: it is extremely frustrating for you to ask me to do all the wedding planning (either explicitly or implicitly by not doing stuff you said you would do in a timely manner) and then criticize the research I have done and the options I present. Makes me feel like hired help. You need to either get much, much more involved or become the happy groom, "Sounds great, dear." "Looks fabulous dear." "I can''t believe what a great job you did!". "I like this option best but whichever you think decide will be fine." And mean it, of course ;-)
 

psaddict

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 9, 2006
Messages
105
I agree with Cara. It''s one thing for him to not be coming up with many good ideas on his own... it''s yet another thing for him to be critisizing and shooting down all the ideas you''ve carefully researched. If he''s going to be critical about something you''re showing him, he should be saying "here''s another idea, what do you think of this? maybe we could do some research together about this and try to find something." Just saying "nope, I don''t like that." isn''t acceptable. You should really talk to him again, and stress that this is really hurtful and you''d like him to be more supportive and involved in the planning.

I think I may be in the minority, because I''ve seen many people say they''re ok with their guy showing zero interest in the wedding planning, and not helping out very much if at all. I''m not engaged yet, but I''d be very hurt if I told my guy that I''d like for us to pick things out together and research stuff together and he simply said he didn''t want to. It seems to me that there are lots of things that men like more than women, or women like more than men, and it''s nice when your significant other tries to learn about your interests or get involved in them even if it''s not something they''re into. Maybe there''s one sport you like, and a different sport he likes, why not go to games together? I''ve read books that my SO has recommended to me, even though they aren''t necessarily ones I''d pick on my own, because I like being able to discuss them with him, and he does the same for me.

Asking your fiance to get involved in wedding planning isn''t like asking him to do needlepoint with you every day. You''re asking him to get involved in an event that''s about the two of you, and will only happen once in your entire life. Once the wedding is planned, he''ll never have to look at venues or think about dinner options again! Even if he isn''t bursting with original ideas, the two of you can sit down together and check out websites with pictures of receptions and centerpieces or menu options and decide generally what you want. Come on, it won''t kill him, and seeing how happy and excited it makes you should make him happy.
"I don''t want to" or "I''m not interested" would sound childish to me. I do a lot of things or go places with my SO that aren''t necessarily my first choice activity, and I''m happy to, because he likes it and likes having me along. You don''t have to do EVERYTHING together, but wedding planning seems like a strange thing to put into the "lets do this separately" category.
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
1,084
I went to work tonight and couldn''t stop thinking about this issue I''m having with him. I think at one point it actually made me feel a bit depressed. And of course everyone asked how the wedding planning is going and they are so sweet because they inquire about specifics, too (the women AND the men at work do this). Granted, I work as a banquet server where we do LOTS and lots of beautiful $60,000 weddings each weekend ironically enough but still........it''s such a contrast from what I''m getting at home


I hear what someone said about relying more on girlfirends etc to help with the planning but, quite honestly, HE is my best friend! He is the one I want to run to when I find THE perfect centerpiece idea, bouquet, bridesmaid dress etc. So it just double sucks that he isn''t really in this with me.......like the team we usually are.

I''ve decided my choices are to simply live with his lack of involvement and write him off as "one of those guys" with a little smirk (and hope I start to really believe that) or have a second serious talk with him and see if it helps before resorting to choice #1. My problem is that I think I''m reading into this too much.........I''m feeling like perhaps he isn''t involved because.......well.....I don''t even want to write it.......you all probably know what I mean anyway. I''ve got to remember that he is otherwise quite loving and interested in me and there for me. PLEASE let me remember that!!!!

I''m with PSAddict here in that I really am surprised that he has totally fallen into this sterotypical catergory of not being into planning his own wedding. Actually, I''m dissapointed, frustrated, and a little angry.

Oh well.......we''ll try to have a talk tomorrow and see if that doesn''t help......

Thank you for your advice.........I''ll post an update if I get one tomorrow.
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
I can understand that this is annoying. I would just sit and have a simple and straightforward talk with him. "Honey, I understand that you are not as concerned with all the details as I am, but when I ask you to take on a specific task, I need to be able to count on you. If you just don't do it you are making it stressful and you are making more work for me. Tell me why you are having a hard time following through with the couple of tasks I have asked you to help me with so we can figure something out that is good for both of us, since I want to have your help in this process if I can". See where he is coming from, and try to come to terms with it and work out a sensible compromise. When we were getting engaged and pickings things, I got a bit frustrated with my then fiance. He had a lot of opinions about stuff, but did not really see a bigger picture or the effect I was trying to achieve. He finally just said, the only thing I want to be in charge of is the seating. So I chose the napkin colors and the menu...and he did the seating. That does not mean I did not SHARE things with him, I just basically chose things unless he really objected, which honestly he did not do much at all.

When we have remodeled homes or built one like our current one, I asked him if he wanted to be involved in decorating or colors. He offers lots of opinions sometimes, but again is not able to see the big picture, and I got so frustrated with him. He thinks my taste is too formal and I feel he wants every room to be a rumpus room, and there is room for both. He also cannot see how certain colors will work or fabrics...so I either narrow things down and show him my top choices, all of which are fine with me, or I just pick. He almost always loves the finished product and even if he would not have chosen it he likes it and is fine. If I really want one thing, I just tell him that out of the three it is the least expensive and the quickest to get, but most times, he glances, says, fine, or I really hate THAT one, and I go from there. It works for me. If you are really unhappy, try to get him involved, but at a certain point you may just have a guy who is less concerned with some of those details and so you will have to find the stuff he DOES want to deal with and make peace with the rest of it...
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I would sit him down and have a chat with him and if he says that he really doesnt want to be involved with things, get his reasons why and then at least you can fire ahead and start doing everything yourself. Im not engaged yet but I have a feeling that Im going to have the opposite problem! My bf''s and architect and everything he does is designed with such precision and care that I can see all of our wedding planning being the same! I think that I want him to be involved but Im such an organiser that I love doing it myself! Oh well...different strokes and all that!
 

Allisonfaye

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2004
Messages
1,455
I can relate to this since my DH did the EXACT same thing. He also does the same thing with decorating.

I told him what you said and he said to tell him he was being unreasonable. (Guys make thing sso simple, don''t they?)
 

IrishAngel7982

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 5, 2006
Messages
1,412
I''m sorry you''re feeling down about your wedding planning! I would be too, if I were in your situation. I absolutely think you need to tell your fi how his lack of initiative is making you feel, and I get what you eluded to in your last post. I can''t help but think of that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where the women find out that all the men act helpless and uninterested in every little chore (including wedding details) because they know the wives will take care of it...so they purposely do it wrong or procrastinate until someone else gets it done. It could very well be that your guy isn''t into the details and just wants to get to the marriage part, but you need to tell him how you''re feeling. That''s what marriage is about right?
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
I say talk to him. You need to tell him that his lack of interest beyond critizing and lack of appreciation for the work you're doing makes you feel like he's not looking forward to the wedding and that it's making you feel less exicted about the wedding. Nothing less is going to have any effect. Sometimes when talking to men about things like this you have to just strip it down to most primal levels and say 'hey, this hurts me and makes me feel like .." whatever the issue is. If my guy was doing this to me, I'd tell him that it makes me feel like he's having second thoughts about being married.

Honestly, I'd have trouble with a guy who had no interest in our wedding. My fi has been happy to let me do most of the planning and research, but he certainly has strong opinions. (so I do see how it might be easier if you had a guy who just said yes dear). His ideas have really shaped the whole feel and style of our wedding. This will truly be our wedding, and that makes me happy.

My fi isn't terribly into the smaller details and trusts me to handle most of them in a way he'll like. Not that I'm worrying too much on the smaller details either!
What I mean is that he's interested in that there will be a dinner after the wedding, what the beer will be, the food, and that it'll be in a nice location, but he doesn't really care about what the table will look like other than nice. He trusts me. And I'm playing Capt. Picard with the wedding coordinator... Make it so!


One thing we did that helped immensely with frictionless planning was I started a wedding blog. It was really helpful for our hardest decision which was location. I posted all the research, the various options, the pros and cons, and my reasonings behind the choices. When he had the time and inclination he would look over my latest post and follow the links, think about it, and then tell or email me his opinion. It took a lot of the stress out for both of us, and considering he's kinda always stressed about work that's saying alot! It also helped our families to keep track of the planning. Our wedding is pretty simple, but if it was more complex it'd still have worked for things like invitations or music.

You might also want to consider a wedding coordinator.
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
1,084
Howdy~

Thank you....some very solid advice here. He and I had a talk tonight and I''m hopeful it will have a lasting impact.

To be fair to my sweetie, I clearly need to chill out a little.....he does keep it very simple, as one PSer said, and to evidence this, he says "ok, I can see where you''re coming from. What would you like me to do this week to help out more?" (!!!!). It took me back lol. It was a perfect thing to say and I was like...."okay........um.........can you just be more supportive........." (totally ''duh'' thing to say....but he caught me off guard lol).

What I want from him is probably unfair......I want him to be ME more or less and I would so not be marrying him if he were.....uh...me. lol. So, to assimilate "me-ness", I finally gathered my thoughts and asked that he "design" one portion of the wedding. He said he''d coreograph (sp?) the cermony. :) So, silly me has this moment of fear..........."omg....he''s gonna coreorgraph the......cermony.....aiyiyiyiyiyi".......but then I realized that would be wonderful because part of my issue is that he doesn''t seem to realize HOW much detail goes into something as innocent as "coreorgrah (i can NOT spell that word) our ceremony" and this can be a GREAT way for him to see this first hand. I guess my sneaky hope is that he comes to understand the complexity of this one piece of the overal wedding planning and then also realizes........''wow...this is just one part...I can''t imagine having to do EACH part all by myself".

On the other hand, who wants to bet he has the easiest time planning all the details and I love his "design"? lol. I''d want to kill him I think!!! lol.

I feel empathy is a fantastic skill to devolop and until this convo, I didn''t feel he could. With me in regard to wedding anyway.

So, we''ll see.....I feel so energized again and able to look at my wedding porn once more lol.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top