Fiance and wedding planning ....

[EyeElle]

... how involved is he??

Is your Fiance taking a seat while you do all the planning or is he actively involved in it??
I am just wondering how it is with you other ladies.

I am having a bit of a hard time getting mine involved at all ... and I feel like he should be.
He just says he wants me to have my day the way I want it and if there is something he really wants or hates he will speak up, other then that its mine for the deciding.

I know I would be having more fun with it if he was more involved. Any ideas on how I can make him do some research or give suggestions or ideas?? How are you ladies doing with your Fiances???

 

[lilmissrugger]

I know I''ve been absent for forever, but I have a bit more time lately and I can do more posting than lurking, lol

I have to say, I feel pretty lucky- my fiance is all about helping with the planning. For a long while, I thought I would be planning it for the two of us, not with him, so I did a bunch of preliminary stuff (picking colors, location ideas, flower stuff, etc)-- but one day, he asked me if we could have blue as one of our colors. I had, of course, picked out a completely different color scheme that in no way involved blue, but one he showed interest, I let him in. I''m not sure how much of it he was planning to plan, but it''s been more and more as time has gone on, which is neat.

However, if you''re the kind of person who has an idea of your wedding in your head, enjoy If not, I''m sure there''s something he''ll be interested in

 

[jjc]

I''m really lucky in this respect too. I have some creative background and so really have enjoyed the planning, FI is clueless (he says he only knows what looks baaaaaaad). I''m very decisive, and he is pretty easy to please and likes my ideas. I''m not very girly so there''s no real struggle to blend the two of us together, and we''ve known each other for 16 years so all the wedding details are really reflective of ''us''. Plus we''re not doing an altogether traditional kind of wedding, we''re definitely injecting a lot of who we are into every detail, so it hasn''t really felt like I''ve done anything alone.

Maybe you could assign him the more ''big picture,'' logistical stuff, like how to arrange tables or the ceremony, etc., rather than little details like which flowers to pick and that kind of stuff. I think it''ll make him feel really good to contribute in a way guys know how, kwim? My FI actually wants to help more, and we''ve agreed that it''d be best if his ''help'' came in the form of accompanying me to appointments, picking stuff up, dropping stuff off, etc.

If you don''t really enjoy all the planning, you should definitely brainstorm with your FI, and maybe bounce two options around with him, instead of asking him to make final decisions, then maybe that will encourage him to get more involved? Sometimes when I''m stuck on something I''ll just kind of think out loud while I''m mulling it over in my head and say to FI "okay, so...and then...but...yeah that''s it, THANKS HONEY!!" and he looks bewildered, but also happy because he ''helped''

Just get him to feel all proud that he helped and you appreciated it so much once, and I think he''ll be more likely to get involved. Good luck!

 

[charbie]

Date: 12/21/2009 2:15:51 PM
Author:EyeElle
... how involved is he??

Is your Fiance taking a seat while you do all the planning or is he actively involved in it??
I am just wondering how it is with you other ladies.

I am having a bit of a hard time getting mine involved at all ... and I feel like he should be.
He just says he wants me to have my day the way I want it and if there is something he really wants or hates he will speak up, other then that its mine for the deciding.

I know I would be having more fun with it if he was more involved. Any ideas on how I can make him do some research or give suggestions or ideas?? How are you ladies doing with your Fiances???

my hubby didn''t want to participate at all. i think i posted about it on here. i was so frustrated, since he just didn''t seem to get into it. i was offended that he could spend so much time worrying about his fantasy football line-up, but wedding aspects? forget about it!

word of the wise- be ready to accept whatever he picks. my husband found our "party bus" which had 2 poles in the middle of it that were advertised as stripper poles. but he did the research, picked it, and i wasn''t going to argue.

i also had him do the logistics of the groomsmen''s suits, gifts, etc.
and he researched programs to find the right order of the ceremony.
he came to the tastings and basically just said, "i want meat and pasta."

don''t let it get you down. you''re marrying the guy for other reasons, and if he doesn''t participate in the wedding planning, let it go and plan the perfect day for you to share! he probably won''t notice all the little details anyways.

 

[Winks_Elf]

My fiance is just the opposite. He has researched the limos, is actively involved in just about everything when it comes to planning the wedding, and is even helping me decide on a gown! Perhaps he''s so involved because he knows how limited our budget is, and he''s very excited about the wedding day. He also knows that there are a few times of the year that I get swamped at work (holidays, spring, early fall) so he''s trying to make it easier on me. The only thing he hasn''t researched is the bridesmaids gowns.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

I run stuff by my man, but he doesn''t really want to help with the "planning" of it all. I''m defnitely the planner between the two of us, kinda neurotic...so I''m happy to do most or all of it. He definitely has opinions and feedback, but mostly it is me taking care of everything.

 

[NakedFinger]

Am I the only one who doesn''t care if he gets involved? I plan weddings for a living, so I know what I am doing and I know what I like. Obviously, if there was something he really wanted or hated I would accommodate it, but I wont be upset if he doesn''t go giddy over floral arrangements.

I meet some grooms that get more involved that the bride. Having in depth conversations about flowers/centerpeices, linens, etc. and Im like "really???". I dont know, maybe its just me, but it would be a HUGE turn off for me if my SO did that.

 

[jjc]

Date: 12/21/2009 3:57:57 PM
Author: NakedFinger
Am I the only one who doesn''t care if he gets involved? I plan weddings for a living, so I know what I am doing and I know what I like. Obviously, if there was something he really wanted or hated I would accommodate it, but I wont be upset if he doesn''t go giddy over floral arrangements.

I meet some grooms that get more involved that the bride. Having in depth conversations about flowers/centerpeices, linens, etc. and Im like ''really???''. I dont know, maybe its just me, but it would be a HUGE turn off for me if my SO did that.

That''s exactly how I feel too - minus the professional wedding planner part

 

[ts44]

Mine thinks he is, and refers to the planning process with the royal "we", but in reality he has done nothing so far!

It''s ok, I''m kind of a control freak so fine by me. He has given input on some things ("I like flowers", "That looks good") but no actual actions have been performed.

He is however ENTIRELY in charge of the rehearsal dinner so I have been hands off, as far as I know we have no rehearsal dinner plans as of right now, but I have faith that it will be great.

 

[MonkeyPants]

FI is super super busy and works 15-16 hours a day 6 days a week so I feel bad asking him to do anything re: wedding planning. However, he really does want to be involved. I do all the research on vendors, narrow it down to a few, and he comes with me to meet with the "finalists" on his one day off a week and we make a decision together. It''s been a very good strategy for us so far!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Mine was just a good foot soldier, haha. He would do things I assigned to him, but never really took initiative on anything.

If I asked his opinion, he would just say "I dunno, what do people normally do". Which would annoy me to no end because he knows how much I dislike doing something just people everyone else does it that way, lol. His second favorite answer was "I dunno, ask my mom".

 

[caribqueen]

Maybe you could just give him small assignments, or come up with ideas and run them by him as a final say kind of thing. Personally, I regard myself as somewhat decisive so by the time I run things by my FI, it's just for his okay or awareness that I'm choosing this or doing that. My mom and my MOH are also a big help so I don't feel like I'm drowning.

My FI participated in the food tasting, picked his attire and groomsmen, and he will buy their gifts.

EDIT: I should also add that he picked the pictures for our website and "Save the Dates", and the design for the invitations, but all the small details I do and don't mind.

 

[marlie]

My FI is willing to be involved where necessary but not really beyond that. For example, he went to art school and does amazing marketing things for his work so I put him to work designing our save the dates. He helped decide on the venue, band and the photographer. He goes to all the appointments with me and our moms but i do all of the research. I''d say the split is 70% me, 30% him. It works for us I guess.

 

[EyeElle]

Thanks so much for all your input!

I see no matter what the involvement level is, it seems to work for you guys.
I guess I put to much emphasis on things when in fact it really is no big deal ... knowing me if he had TO much input I would be upset as well haha Poor guy ... I hope he knows what hes marrying into

I will try to be more cool about it, it upset me at first but I guess we are similar to alot of you guys as well. I do the main work/research and then I ask his opinion to my final 3 options.

Thanks for taking the time to reply and set me straight

 

[Treasure43]

I''ve found my FI is more than willing to help out, but he really has no clue how to go about finding out about these things. So I tend to do some research and then present him with my top choices and then we decide together. Honestly, I think so many of the things are things that mainly the bride cares about. I barely care about the flowers, let alone my FI. He seems more interested in big picture things like the photographer, dj, food, etc. The color schemes don''t really seem to matter to him one way or another.

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 12/21/2009 2:56:12 PM
Author: lilmissrugger
I know I''ve been absent for forever, but I have a bit more time lately and I can do more posting than lurking, lol

I have to say, I feel pretty lucky- my fiance is all about helping with the planning. For a long while, I thought I would be planning it for the two of us, not with him, so I did a bunch of preliminary stuff (picking colors, location ideas, flower stuff, etc)-- but one day, he asked me if we could have blue as one of our colors. I had, of course, picked out a completely different color scheme that in no way involved blue, but one he showed interest, I let him in. I''m not sure how much of it he was planning to plan, but it''s been more and more as time has gone on, which is neat.

However, if you''re the kind of person who has an idea of your wedding in your head, enjoy If not, I''m sure there''s something he''ll be interested in

i was just thinking about you the other day! glad things are going well for you

as for me, well FI and i are long distance and the wedding is going to be where i live, so there''s not too much he can do, but he does give his opinions on stuff i find.
surprisingly the boyfriend of my best friend is really excited about my wedding and really interested in all the planning details. more so than my excited friends are. she and i find his excitement highly amusing (especially since i don''t know him as well as i know her) and we''ll probably take him along for some of our planning trips next month. i promise to post stories

i think the giving the final 3 choices is a good idea (hey then no matter what he picks, you''ll like it!

)

 

[trillionaire]

Neither of us want to do it, so the only thing that we''ve accomplished is setting a date

. If it never happens (ie, the ''reception''), because no one planned it, no biggie. We''re getting married regardless

He wants the reception, so I expect him to take the lead. Apparently he feels differently.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Haha, trillionaire!

I think it is GREAT if the guy just let''s the girl plan it! That way there''s very little conflict and she gets the wedding of her dreams!

Seriously, most guys are clueless about details of the wedding...just tell them what to wear and when to be there and most of them are happy! Let him do research on honeymoon locations...he might do better with that!

 

[AmberGretchen]

When I was planning my wedding, my DH was mostly uninvolved, which honestly didn''t really bother me. If you can, try to find out what is really important to your FI - it could be the honeymoon, music at the reception, having all his cousins there, whatever. And then whatever that is, ask him if he can help you out specifically with that.

Honestly though, I think its incredibly normal for guys to not be that into the wedding planning process - its just different for them, and they have very few expectations placed on them with regards to it, so I wouldn''t stress too much that he''s not as gung-ho as you might like. Remember, the wedding is just a day, and as long as he''s excited about spending the rest of your lives together, that''s what''s most important.

 

[mimzy]

when i was in the planning stages and felt that my DH wasn''t involved enough I stressed to him that planning a wedding was JOB, not a super fun hobby that i had a great time spending all my free time on, and that it wasn''t fair that he expected me to do the majority of the leg work just because girls are supposed to go all googly eyed over weddings, or because we "care" more. once he realized how much work it really was and how stressful it was doing it on my own, he stepped up. i wanted more than just a little help here and there (i.e. assigning two or three specific jobs wasn''t really enough), so i laid out the timeline and budget so he knew the parameters that we had to work with and we did EVERYTHING together after that point. every "i don''t want to" or "i don''t care" was met with a gentle but prompt "neither do i, but it has to get done" and we trudged on. because even though he claimed that he didn''t care, ultimately he didn''t want the wedding to be janky any more than i did. he got used to the planning after a while

 

[meresal]

MY DH isn''t a planner/researcher... so being the perfectionist that I am, I knew better than to leave complete decisions up to him. He also didn''t want to be in the role of making any chief decisions. It''s not his style.

What I did do, was ask him to be at all appointments, and if he had a problem with anything that was picked, he could bring it up at the appointment and we would deal with it then, otherwise he better keep his mouth shut if he missed his chance to speak up there. (ie, "If you want to be involved, then you better be there.")
I also asked him to please comment on things that he liked so that I felt like he was "helping" make decisions, and it wasn''t just what I wasnted everywhere. We have very similar tastes, so he was happy with most everything that I picked.

 

[sunnyd]

DH was a pain in my rear during planning.

He pretty much let me have at it, which is what I wanted, but he made all big decisions with me and we went to all appointments together. He thought he knew all about the details, but whenever he told people about X, Y or Z, I would have to correct him. Then he''d get mad at me for correcting him, but he would be spouting jibberish! Then he''d say, "I don''t know, ask her."

LOL. Pain in my rear, I tell you!!

 

[LilyKat]

Not (officially) engaged yet, but I know for certain that my SO will absolutely NOT care about any of the details - whatsoever. And that's fine by me! Too many cooks spoil the broth

As long as he is excited and interested in the MARRIAGE part, I'm happy to get on with the party-planning aspect of it all. I think some women confuse their fiance's lack of interest in the wedding with him not caring about getting married - they are two completely different things.

If you do want him involved, try to pick aspects that he would be interested in. Would he turn down a cake tasting? Menu tasting? Choosing the band/DJ? You might be fighting a losing battle getting him into the flower arrangements or napkin colours, so pick something that you might have common ground on and make it fun for both of you.