Feeling pressured?

[anchor31]

Hey, it''s me again. Something''s starting to bother me a bit and I wanted to know what you think...

J is 26 years old and has had a job for 3 years. It wasn''t so steady in the first year, but now he''s doing great, with rises and offers and stuff. He loves his job and I''m very proud of him. When we met 4½ years ago, he told me right away he wants 3 children... And he''s ready. Right now. He said he''d like us to have at least our first child before he turns 30, but I know he''d want one right after we''re married.

I am 22 years old and still an undergrad. I''m graduating in April, turning 23 in May and getting married in August... I am NOT ready to have children. I want them, and 3 is fine, but not right now. I want to get a job, I might need to get a Masters and I want a house first... and I''d rather we waited at least 3 years of marriage. For us to have a child before he turns 30, we''d have to get pregnant before March 2010. That would be about 2½ years of marriage, and I would only be 25 years old!! That feels extremely young to have a child. I''m not ready for this. At all. I''m shaking just thinking about it.

J has a pregnant coworker right now and he''s got the baby bug big time. One of his collegues recently had his first child at 28 (his girlfriend/wife is also 2. He talks about babies every day. I told him I''m not ready and I want to wait and he says he''s just kidding, but I know he''s not. Nobody can talk about have babies every day as a joke... I probably shouldn''t, but I''m starting to feel pressured.

I don''t know what to tell him anymore. When I told him I wouldn''t mind waiting until I''m 30 and I thought having a child at 25-26 is super young, he got really upset (not angry, more disappointed). Now that I''ve told him I wanted to have a house first, he''s obsessed about saving up for a house. He just wants a baby so badly... I''m completely torn. Half of me feels like I''m letting him down, if the situation was reversed I''d probably be upset as well... But half of me feels kind of angry, and pretty scared. I mean, I''m scared of our wedding night, so imagine getting pregnant...

I don''t know anyone in my situation so I don''t know who to turn to. It seems like we mostly hear the opposite, the woman being ready before the man. People around me are having children sooner and younger, most of them unmarried. They don''t understand why we''re getting married to start with, so they certainly don''t understand why I want to wait "so long" before having a child. When I say I wouldn''t mind waiting until I''m 30, I get bombarded with statistics... Look, I''m a biologist. I know the numbers. Yes, there is a rise in the numbers in the 30s, but the pourcentages are still very small. And why should I have children before I''m ready just because of my age? 30 years old is NOT old, and women do not suddenly become infertile at that age! Geez!

Oof, sorry! That seems to have turned into a bit of a vent... I''ve had this on my mind for a while. I dunno... Thoughts? Advice? Anything? I feel so young all of a sudden!

 

[Aloros]

Awwwww, sorry to hear you''re going through this. I think it''s time for a heart-to-heart with your FI. It''s like he''s hearing you about wanting to wait, but he''s not really HEARING you. He needs to back off and to be patient. Besides, wouldn''t he want you two bringing a child into the world to be a happy occasion for you both?

I''ll admit I understand a little bit of his point of view. I want a dog so badly right now, but my FI just isn''t ready to get one yet. He''s afraid of the added responsibility, and he really wants to buy a house first (hahaha, sounding familiar?). Sometimes I just want to say "HEY! We have a ten year old child, how much more responsibility could it be??" But you know what? He''s RIGHT. Ten year old child is more self-sufficient than a puppy.

I did the thing with the jokes, sent him pictures, etc. But the fact is, I can wait. He wants a dog too, and it will be within the year, but until then, I''ve got to be patient. My FI LOVES dogs, and I''m looking forward to us going to pick one out together. I don''t want to ruin that experience by being impatient. Your FI can be patient too, no matter how badly he wants a baby.

Can you compromise a little? Maybe do a little babysitting? Sometimes baby-watching can remind a person about exactly how much work they are and how nice adult alone-time is. People can sometimes get caught up in timelines without taking a step back to look at the bigger picture. Does he have any definitive reason for why he must have children before he turns 30?

 

[firebirdgold]

I don''t know what to say. You have my sympathies.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You need to be honest with him. Let him know you DO want kids but just are not ready. 30 years old is not some magical cutoff age (and since you are younger you have PLENTY of time) Trust me once you have a baby you won''t have much time for anything else. Make sure you do EVERYTHING you want (travel, school, etc) before you have kids. I cannot imagine going to grad school now that Tessa is here (though I know people do, my mom is one of those who got her masters after she had two kids).

 

[decodelighted]

He''s getting a little ahead of himself ... think of it like the male equiv. of being an LIW. He''s a DIW (dad in waiting)

. You can sympathize with his eagerness & frustration at having to wait BUT ... your union will be a PARTNERSHIP. You both have to be on the same page for big decisions like that -- and it IS *your* body.

Baby fever has been known to pass. Its like when a bunch of people get engaged or buy houses or whatnot -- once the "bad" stories start coming in, it will temper the eagerness with some, uh, reality!

Make sure he knows how you feel ... you don''t need to shield him from your very real fears etc -- and your PRIORITIES. You want to finish school, get married, buy a house and ENJOY being married ... just the two of you ... for a WHILE before you add to the family. It''s reasonable. Just like men not being quite ready to propose yet can be *reasonable*.

And I''d 2nd the recommendation to babysit for those newborns when they arrive ... the FANTASY of fatherhood & three kids etc is different from the reality. Both: awesome, I''m sure ... but DIFFERENT. Make sure he wants the REALITY of it & is able to cope with it before even considering your timeframe for that step.

 

[Sparkster]

25 is not too young to have children at all. Age is a state of mind. You are currently 22 and getting married at 23. Many people think that 23 is too young to get married, but you are in the ''right state of mind'' to get married. It''s all about what''s right for the individual person. To me, it just seems that children aren''t a priority for you yet and that you want other things first. There''s nothing wrong with that either.

You and your FI need to have a really good heart to heart. You need to let him know why 25 is too young (in your opinion) and he needs to tell you why he thinks it''s important to start a family before he''s 30. Good luck with everything.

 

[surfgirl]

anchor, I empathize with you, really. From what I read of your post, this isn''t the first time you''ve tried to get J to understand your feelings on the timing of starting a family. Why not invest in some good pre-marital counseling? Not from a religious perspective, but from a solid Marriage/Family Counselor. I think that would be a great way to get J to really hear your feelings on the subject and for him to both accept and come to terms with your decision on starting a family and his immediate desire to start now. It seems like you haven''t been able to get him to really understand or hear your feelings and while I know he''s coming from a place of love, and it''s not malicious, I can totally understand why you''d be upset, frustrated and probably somewhat resentful. It''s not him that has to go through all that comes with starting a pregnancy, it''s you. You''re the one that will have to through it. You''re the one who''ll have to put your career on hold for a time, not him. And I know from your other posts that you have a very sharp mind, a passion for your future career, and you should pursue your career, IMO, or at least get it started, before starting a family. I hope you''ll try to get you both to a counselor and see if discussing such a sensitive topic in a safe, neutral and guided environment might be more helpful to resolving this. You really dont want to go into your wedding with this unresolved because people will be asking "SO? When are the kids coming???" It''s totally annoying but people WILL ask and you both want to be on the same page to avoid any resentment, etc, yes?

 

[anchor31]

I just read your replies and let a huge sigh of relief. It''s great to feel understood.

I do feel that J is completely idealizing fatherhood and babies. I''m not sure he understands what it implies for a woman. We do have to talk again, and I will have to get him to talk to a woman who has had children and can tell him what I will have to go through.

You''re right, surfgirl, I will not accept going through 4 years of struggling through college to put everything on hold. He needs to understands that.

I don''t think he realizes that this can make me upset. Everything''s just going so well for him that, as Deco said, he''s getting ahead of himself. I, on the other hand, am currently under a lot of pressure, and I seem to be cracking. I''m starting to think maybe I need counselling to deal with all of this.

Babysitting could be a great idea... If we had a baby to babysit! I think my brother may be trying, but there''s no telling if and when they''ll get pregnant, otherwise there aren''t any babies around us, so to speak. Our next door neighbour had a baby about 4 months ago and she cries all the time, but that doesn''t seem to faze J in the least.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Okay, I gonna get a little psychological here, are your ready?

When my DH and I were dating and getting ready to move in together, we had some similar conversations to the ones your describe. We are a lot older than you, so we were both around 27 at the time. Whenever I would say that I wanted to wait until we were both about 30-32 to have kids (for career and personal reasons), he would get really upset and start getting mad etc. I didn''t understand why, at first, because I knew from some conversations that we have had together that he also wasn''t wanting children for a while. So his level of anger didn''t seem to match the actual conversation topic, and it didn''t fit with our past conversations.

This made me think that my at-the-time bfs hurt feelings and anger and anxiety wasn''t really about the topic we were discussing. That topic represented something else, some deeper, broader anxieties that he was having about our relationship. See, social psychologists who study relationships have found that when people are feeling anxious about their relationship, and especially their partner''s love, they will become really vigilant for any clues about their partner''s love and regard for them. Sometimes, these anxieties and the search for reassurance causes them to latch onto issues that seem small, but to them, represent something broader about their partners true feelings of love for them. So I wondered if my bf''s seeming over-reaction to our conversation was really about having kids, or if he was feeling anxious about our relationship because we were about to move in together? Moving in together is scary, it is a big step and means he is making himself more vulnerable to hurt: By depending on me more, emotionally, physically, and mentally, it means that there is the possibility of even greater pain if I were to reject him. Although he is generally a really secure man, such situations of increased dependence on one''s partner are scary for everyone! I was scared too!

So one night we were talking about kids again and I realized that those types of anxieties might be driving his behavior. So I stopped what I was doing, I looked him right in the eye, and I said, "Baby, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want you to be the father of my children. You and I are on the exact same page: I want a family more than anything and I want 2 kids, just like you! But you need to understand, me wanting to wait to have kids isn''t a reflection of my love for you or my commitment to having a family. I will be a better mother and wife if I can accomplish some of my personal goals before we start a family! I promise, we will have a family together, no matter what it takes! But I really need your support in pursuing my education and career goals before we do that. Can you understand that?" And he sighed a big sigh of relief and admitted that he has concerned that maybe my career and education goals meant I didn''t really want a family, and he admitted that he was feeling anxious about moving in together. Most importantly, he believed me when I said that family was number one in my life, and we haven''t had an argument about it since.

So what I am wondering is whether some of the same issues may be going on in your relationship? Given that you FI has said his timeline is first kid by 30 (almost 4 years from now if he''s 26), his level of pressure on you at this moment also doesn''t seem to match the situation. Buuuuuttt.. you are getting married soon, and if he is anything like I was before DH and I got married, he is feeling anxious! Marriage is wonderful, amazing, emotional, beautiful... and scary as anything! In particular, it can bring up all sorts of never-before-felt anxieties about one''s partner''s feelings, and worries about taking the risk of depending so completely on another person. He may not be able to put those feelings into words, but maybe it is driving a little bit of his focus on this issue? And maybe the same types of anxieties are fueling your reactions as well? I guess I am suggesting that you have a real heart-to-heart and lay your feelings on the line. But maybe when you talk about it, try not to get defensive and caught up in the surface emotions of anger, or frustration, or worry. Try to focus on understand his point of view, and helping him to understand yours... try to talk about the feelings that may be motivating his worries and your concerns too. Assure him you really really really want kids! With him! That you can''t wait to be a mother! That you are so lucky to have a partner who loves you and whom you want to have kids with! That you appreciate so much that he understands you, and you hope he can understand why you want to wait a little while to have kids! You are so young, you have lots of time to have a house full of babies, and if that''s what you want, tell him that! Maybe, if you can reassure him of your love, commitment, and shared family goals, he will back off and not pressure you anymore. And hopefully if you can have a conversation about why it is important for you to wait (what goals do you want to accomplish? Why is waiting important to you?) then he will understand your perspective better and feel reassured.

This may not be what is going on in your relationship, but it is worth exploring as a possibility! Whatever you decide to do, please let us know, I will be curious to see how you resolve this all-too-common dilemma!

DD

 

[D2B]

You need to really talk to him. As a mother, who loves her child dearly

, I cant but stress never ever rush into it until you are ready and you have achieved everything you want with work, travel, etc. Your life will change drastically - many things will go on hold, which is all great, IF you are ready for this to be the case. Anything else is not fair on the child and your FI must listen - this is not something to rush into. As a mum, it is 24/7 totally he needs to understand you have things to achieve and do. Find out why he is so rushed, what are his fears? You need to sort this out before you get married.

Best of luck, it is a hard situation, but I applaud that you know what you want in regards to this. You have expressed yourself clearly to us, he needs to listen to you.

D2B

 

[anchor31]

UPDATE

We talked. At first he couldn''t understand at all where my anxiety was coming from, because it turns out he does have babies on the mind, but he''s not thinking (as I''d assumed) about having them right now. So I guess all is well. I do think I need help for some anxiety issues I''m having lately, though.

Anyway, thanks for your advice everyone.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am glad you talked. You are probably stressed about graduating, the wedding, etc...lots of life changing events.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yeah! Good for you for confronting the issue, I''m glad it is a little more resolved! If you are still feeling a lot of anxiety, definitely find someone you can talk to in person... many universities have counselling centers that are free of charge, maybe that is somewhere to start? One of my best friends sought help for her anxieties through our university a couple of years ago (school, hubby, pressure, it all just added up), and she really really was amazed at how much better she felt after just a few times talking to someone else who had a different perspective.

DD

 

[mimzy]

I''m glad you talked it out with him, and even gladder that you liked the outcome

there is always the possibility that you might feel ready sooner than you think you will right now....and if that''s the case, and he''s still ready, then who says you have to make all the sacrifices? boys can work part time too ya know!

maybe if his baby fever gets more intense and really wouldn''t be happy waiting another 6 or 7 years, he''ll be open to that. i''m not saying that you are destined to change your mind or anything at all like that, but just pointing out there there might be some happy mediums in the situation

 

[snlee]

Glad you talked and now the two of you are more on the same page as you were before. There''s a lot going on in your life right now - big changes. It''s normal to be stressed about it.

 

[firebirdgold]

What with the stress of your upcoming graduation, launching into the job market, and your wedding... no wonder even thinking about having kids would freak you out. I hope J understands. And, uh, did you say you were scared of your wedding night? Maybe I''m off base, but I seem to remember that you and J are waiting until you''re married? No wonder you''re feeling anxious.

It''s totally normal for you to feel extremely stressed and anxious right now. You''d get help if you''d sprained your ankle and it wasn''t healing on it''s own. Or if you had migraines every week. So please. Go talk to someone.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Hey Miss Anchor!

I know things will work out and the best thing you can do is just express your thoughts and apprehensions and all that. The other thing is, people grow SO much between 22 and 25. Seriously. I had several friends in college who married young (early 20s) to slightly older men (mid-late twenties), thinking the baby talk would come up too soon. It's funny, but somehow, marriage seems to endear both people in the marriage toward growing a family. Not so for everyone, but from those I've been around, once married, the timeline has always moved up (by both people).

However, if you're not ready down the road, that needs to be respected. It's a huge, life long decision. And that responsibility is for life, not just 18 years. It's a blessing, but it's not to be taken lightly.

You and your J have a good communication style, or so it seems. Just let him know where you are now, and let him know you can't promise that timeline will change, and take it from there. If one part of the couple is ready, and the other is not, that's some huge stress, and if both aren't ready, then the couple's not ready to grow into a bigger family.

I would *love* to start baby growing right now, but Paul has firmly stated he wants us to be in our house and settled before we start that process. I have to respect that, because I know that's what he needs to feel ready to be a daddy. The same goes for anyone looking to be a parent; both of you have to find a good foundation for that growth and responsibility.

You'll figure it out... It will be okay! Talk to your boy, and let him reassure you.

*****
Okay, note to me; read the whole thread before replying.

Glad you two talked, Anchor!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Anchor - I''m glad that you talked to your sweetie about this issue because it is really important. I know exactly how you are feeling. My hubby looooovvvveeesss kids to bits. Has always wanted them and has always wanted a big family. Me.....not so much. We decided to wait a few years before trying to get preggo and it''s a good thing we did because I am a fertile myrtle as they say. We had major talks during our engagement and earlier in our marriage about when we would be ready - as a couple - to start a family. As Catholics we had mandatory premarital counseling and that helped too. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in having doubts about become a parent. I felt that way for a long time and at one point I didn''t think I''d ever want to have children. Needless to say, I changed my mind and here I am - preggo and happy as a lark. Good luck to you!

Jess

 

[LegacyGirl]

Oh I''m so glad you were able to talk to him about this. I totally understand the not wanting to have kids right away thing. I don''t want them anytime soon (and maybe not even ever...who knows). I would feel just like you if I was in that situation.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/14/2008 9:55:10 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Yeah! Good for you for confronting the issue, I''m glad it is a little more resolved! If you are still feeling a lot of anxiety, definitely find someone you can talk to in person... many universities have counselling centers that are free of charge, maybe that is somewhere to start? One of my best friends sought help for her anxieties through our university a couple of years ago (school, hubby, pressure, it all just added up), and she really really was amazed at how much better she felt after just a few times talking to someone else who had a different perspective.

DD

I did start a counselling process at my university. Unfortunately there''s a waiting list, so it''s not going anywhere. I think I''ll start looking into something at church, or maybe you or others have other suggestions. I don''t think I can afford a private clinic psychologist.

Thanks!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/15/2008 12:05:47 AM
Author: mimzy
I''m glad you talked it out with him, and even gladder that you liked the outcome

there is always the possibility that you might feel ready sooner than you think you will right now....and if that''s the case, and he''s still ready, then who says you have to make all the sacrifices? boys can work part time too ya know!

maybe if his baby fever gets more intense and really wouldn''t be happy waiting another 6 or 7 years, he''ll be open to that. i''m not saying that you are destined to change your mind or anything at all like that, but just pointing out there there might be some happy mediums in the situation

Yeah, I was told that maybe in 2-3 years from now I''ll be ready even if right now I don''t think I will be... And maybe your right. We''ll see, I guess. Right now, I just have too much going on to be thinking about babies though!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/15/2008 1:20:43 AM
Author: IndieJones
What with the stress of your upcoming graduation, launching into the job market, and your wedding... no wonder even thinking about having kids would freak you out. I hope J understands. And, uh, did you say you were scared of your wedding night? Maybe I''m off base, but I seem to remember that you and J are waiting until you''re married? No wonder you''re feeling anxious.

It''s totally normal for you to feel extremely stressed and anxious right now. You''d get help if you''d sprained your ankle and it wasn''t healing on it''s own. Or if you had migraines every week. So please. Go talk to someone.

I think everything''s just been adding up in the past year and it''s getting a little too much. I''ve been looking for a counsellor with no luck so far, but I''ll keep looking. And yes, we''re waiting. I''m glad we are, but right now I''m a little unnerved. Thanks, Indie.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/15/2008 6:42:20 AM
Author: fisherofmengirly
Hey Miss Anchor!

I know things will work out and the best thing you can do is just express your thoughts and apprehensions and all that. The other thing is, people grow SO much between 22 and 25. Seriously. I had several friends in college who married young (early 20s) to slightly older men (mid-late twenties), thinking the baby talk would come up too soon. It''s funny, but somehow, marriage seems to endear both people in the marriage toward growing a family. Not so for everyone, but from those I''ve been around, once married, the timeline has always moved up (by both people).

However, if you''re not ready down the road, that needs to be respected. It''s a huge, life long decision. And that responsibility is for life, not just 18 years. It''s a blessing, but it''s not to be taken lightly.

You and your J have a good communication style, or so it seems. Just let him know where you are now, and let him know you can''t promise that timeline will change, and take it from there. If one part of the couple is ready, and the other is not, that''s some huge stress, and if both aren''t ready, then the couple''s not ready to grow into a bigger family.

I would *love* to start baby growing right now, but Paul has firmly stated he wants us to be in our house and settled before we start that process. I have to respect that, because I know that''s what he needs to feel ready to be a daddy. The same goes for anyone looking to be a parent; both of you have to find a good foundation for that growth and responsibility.

You''ll figure it out... It will be okay! Talk to your boy, and let him reassure you.

*****
Okay, note to me; read the whole thread before replying.

Glad you two talked, Anchor!

Hey fisher! I''m glad you chimed in. I do take having children very seriously, which is why I''d prefer to wait. You and Paul are just going to make fabulous parents.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/15/2008 12:07:36 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
Anchor - I''m glad that you talked to your sweetie about this issue because it is really important. I know exactly how you are feeling. My hubby looooovvvveeesss kids to bits. Has always wanted them and has always wanted a big family. Me.....not so much. We decided to wait a few years before trying to get preggo and it''s a good thing we did because I am a fertile myrtle as they say. We had major talks during our engagement and earlier in our marriage about when we would be ready - as a couple - to start a family. As Catholics we had mandatory premarital counseling and that helped too. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in having doubts about become a parent. I felt that way for a long time and at one point I didn''t think I''d ever want to have children. Needless to say, I changed my mind and here I am - preggo and happy as a lark. Good luck to you!

Jess

We are Catholics as well and we did have premarital counselling. It was great and we loved it! We talked many times about having children and more or less when we''d prefer to have them, it''s just very recently that he started talking about it everyday. And that was weird.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 2/15/2008 1:19:11 PM
Author: anchor31


Yeah, I was told that maybe in 2-3 years from now I''ll be ready even if right now I don''t think I will be... And maybe your right. We''ll see, I guess. Right now, I just have too much going on to be thinking about babies though!

I think you are VERY intelligent for not wanting to jump right in with having babies. I am personally in the same sort of situation as you (except my husband is totally with me on it). I am 25. I''ve just been out of graduate school for about a year. I work full time, and my husband is a law student. We were married just 7 months ago. I would just DIE if we found out we were going to have a baby. I absolutely cannot see us with a baby--not at this point at least. I want to spend a few years just being married and getting to know each other in the context of our marriage. I think maybe someday we''ll be at a point where we can consider kids--but that point isn''t now or any time in the next 2 years.

Anyway, I think you are very wise to want to have your life settled a bit before you try to be responsible for raising someone. You have always seemed like a very sensible, good hearted person, and I''m sure someday you''d make a lovely mother...but now raising a baby sounds like it would be super difficult where as in a few years life may have settled down a bit. Why make it any harder than it needs to be right? You''ll have a family when you are good a ready to.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 2/15/2008 1:15:01 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 2/14/2008 9:55:10 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Yeah! Good for you for confronting the issue, I'm glad it is a little more resolved! If you are still feeling a lot of anxiety, definitely find someone you can talk to in person... many universities have counselling centers that are free of charge, maybe that is somewhere to start? One of my best friends sought help for her anxieties through our university a couple of years ago (school, hubby, pressure, it all just added up), and she really really was amazed at how much better she felt after just a few times talking to someone else who had a different perspective.

DD

I did start a counselling process at my university. Unfortunately there's a waiting list, so it's not going anywhere. I think I'll start looking into something at church, or maybe you or others have other suggestions. I don't think I can afford a private clinic psychologist.

Thanks!

One other option to consider is if your university has a clinical psychology PhD training programme (or a university near you) that is well-reputed, you can often get excellent help for free or very little cost. Typically in these clinics you see a graduate-student therapist and the sessions are monitored (via one-way mirror, you forget about it very quickly) by a licensed clinical psychologist who is monitoring and guiding the student therapist between each session. The care and attention you get at these clinics is often better than you will find at the average private practice, so this is a really great option when funds are tight. Also, don't give up on private clinical psychologists, many have a sliding pay scale for people that can be affordable. And your FIs medical insurance through his work may cover the cost of some sessions too, if that is something you want to look into. Insurance often requires a "diagnosis" (I put it is quotes b/c all that really means is that an MD or clinical psychologist has to sign off that you are having anxiety or depression or ?? that requires exta help, and it often isn't hard to get that referral). Insurance will often cover 6 session or more, but it varies so you'd have to ask the insurance provider.

If that doesn't work then your church may have recommendations, or the school counselling center may have a list of alternative places to seek help when the wait list is too long. Please don't give up! Worry and anxiety are so common, but many people don't realize how easily improved such issues can be with just a little time and energy and guidance from a knowledgeable counsellor!

ETA: I was just randomly reading the "where are you from" thread and noticed that you are in Canada! Me too! Parlez-vous francais?

J'habite en Ontario, mais j'aime beaucoup Montreal! McGill and Concordia and University de Montreal all have clinical training programmes and may have in house clinics. Also, provincial health care may cover the cost of a clinical psychologist, I'm not sure how that varies from province to province. You may also want to try some of the local large hospitals, they may be able to refer you to psycholgists who do sliding scale work. I know there is a psychology clinic/hospital near McGill that many of the clinical students work at and it is possible they would have a referral service. Telehealth Canada may also have a list a referrals in the area. Our socialized medicine means there are lots of options. Oh, and try looking at www.cpc.ca, that's the Canadian Psychological association website, there will probably be lots of information there about government or provincially sponsored programmes.

Good luck, keep us posted!

DD

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/15/2008 9:50:09 PM
Author: Fancy605

Date: 2/15/2008 1:19:11 PM
Author: anchor31


Yeah, I was told that maybe in 2-3 years from now I''ll be ready even if right now I don''t think I will be... And maybe your right. We''ll see, I guess. Right now, I just have too much going on to be thinking about babies though!

I think you are VERY intelligent for not wanting to jump right in with having babies. I am personally in the same sort of situation as you (except my husband is totally with me on it). I am 25. I''ve just been out of graduate school for about a year. I work full time, and my husband is a law student. We were married just 7 months ago. I would just DIE if we found out we were going to have a baby. I absolutely cannot see us with a baby--not at this point at least. I want to spend a few years just being married and getting to know each other in the context of our marriage. I think maybe someday we''ll be at a point where we can consider kids--but that point isn''t now or any time in the next 2 years.

Anyway, I think you are very wise to want to have your life settled a bit before you try to be responsible for raising someone. You have always seemed like a very sensible, good hearted person, and I''m sure someday you''d make a lovely mother...but now raising a baby sounds like it would be super difficult where as in a few years life may have settled down a bit. Why make it any harder than it needs to be right? You''ll have a family when you are good a ready to.

Thanks a lot for your kind words!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/16/2008 2:10:07 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
One other option to consider is if your university has a clinical psychology PhD training programme (or a university near you) that is well-reputed, you can often get excellent help for free or very little cost. Typically in these clinics you see a graduate-student therapist and the sessions are monitored (via one-way mirror, you forget about it very quickly) by a licensed clinical psychologist who is monitoring and guiding the student therapist between each session. The care and attention you get at these clinics is often better than you will find at the average private practice, so this is a really great option when funds are tight. Also, don't give up on private clinical psychologists, many have a sliding pay scale for people that can be affordable. And your FIs medical insurance through his work may cover the cost of some sessions too, if that is something you want to look into. Insurance often requires a 'diagnosis' (I put it is quotes b/c all that really means is that an MD or clinical psychologist has to sign off that you are having anxiety or depression or ?? that requires exta help, and it often isn't hard to get that referral). Insurance will often cover 6 session or more, but it varies so you'd have to ask the insurance provider.

If that doesn't work then your church may have recommendations, or the school counselling center may have a list of alternative places to seek help when the wait list is too long. Please don't give up! Worry and anxiety are so common, but many people don't realize how easily improved such issues can be with just a little time and energy and guidance from a knowledgeable counsellor!

ETA: I was just randomly reading the 'where are you from' thread and noticed that you are in Canada! Me too! Parlez-vous francais?

J'habite en Ontario, mais j'aime beaucoup Montreal! McGill and Concordia and University de Montreal all have clinical training programmes and may have in house clinics. Also, provincial health care may cover the cost of a clinical psychologist, I'm not sure how that varies from province to province. You may also want to try some of the local large hospitals, they may be able to refer you to psycholgists who do sliding scale work. I know there is a psychology clinic/hospital near McGill that many of the clinical students work at and it is possible they would have a referral service. Telehealth Canada may also have a list a referrals in the area. Our socialized medicine means there are lots of options. Oh, and try looking at www.cpc.ca, that's the Canadian Psychological association website, there will probably be lots of information there about government or provincially sponsored programmes.

Good luck, keep us posted!

DD

lol Oui, je parle français. I'm a born and bred Québécoise, except I love Canada.

My mother's family is from Ottawa.

Thank you so very much for the recommendations. I attend UdM, so I'll look into the training clinics, and I'll lok iinto other options if that doesn't work.