Wedding Feeling overwhelmed! VENT

[dogmama]

I just started venue looking. I am completely overwhelmed. Today we hit our second venue and drove out into the middle of Long Island to see a promising venue that had quoted me at $55 pp over the phone. After alllll that time, she tells us that it''s $85 pp. I was horrified. We are on a tight tight budget and to think we wasted all of our precious Saturday time and gas to see a person who LIED to us is INFURIATING!!

I am angry beyond words. She was not just rude she was also completely inattentive and chatting with the wait staff rather than attending to us.

Its so frustrating that the more and more I talked about it in the long 45 minute drive home, we felt angry that we had to go to these LENGTHS just to impress and work hard for other people on a day that we just want to get married. All for 5 measly hours, to quote FI. Suddenly we both felt that a destination wedding looked so good.

Then the subject of FMIL came up. It was all about how a destination would be a dream anyways because it would be taking away a party from her, a church ceremony from her, yadda, yadda. Then I felt so put upon! I finally retorted: I am NOT religious. I wanted a garden wedding on the day I get married. BUT I am honoring your mother''s wishes to get married in a church even though I am the one getting married!!!!

He realized it was all ridiculous at that point. I think he finally got how stupid it is that I was giving up what I wanted and yet here he kept saying, this and this is what my mom wants. He hugged me after we parked. FI is going to broach the subject of a destination wedding (fat lot of good that will do) with FMIL.

Meanwhile I am going nuts trying to book a hall on a super tight budget and a moderately small wedding of 80-100 people. I think that this stuff of nightmares. I found one place within our budget but it is not what we envision. So back to square one AGAIN!!

 

[cara]

Is FMIL funding this thing? If not, do what you want. Bigger issue is clearly FI running back to his mother for "permission" on the wedding location, not her feelings on the matter.

Even if FMIL is providing partial funding, you may be better off declining it so that you can go destination. Might ultimately be cheaper. Sit down and talk with FI AGAIN about cutting the apron strings and making your own decision about this, as adults, considering your parents input but not allowing them veto power.

FMIL only gets the control that you and your FI jointly give her.

ETA: And if FI wants to kowtow to his mother, make him take some additional responsibility for making the medium, local wedding work. Such as sitting down with the budget, calling and prescreening venues, etc. Not allowed to make such a decision and then put all/most of the legwork on you.

 

[calidaisy]

i''m so sorry to hear about your venue shopping ... and more importantly about your FMIL.
i once was almost engaged ("almost" because his mom stole the ring and i broke it off before i got to see the ring) to a guy whose mom flat out told me that it''s her only son''s only wedding and SHE is entitled to do whatever she wants. i think she truly believed that her son''s wedding was ALL ABOUT HER. thus, i know how stressful and upsetting it can be when FMIL has certain expectations that won''t go away.

i don''t know what the solution would be to what you''re going through ... but i just wanted to let you know that i hope all will work out ... and that you may have the wedding of your dreams.

 

[bee*]

He should not be running back to his mother to discuss what you guys want for your wedding-it''s your wedding afterall! My FMIL is giving us money towards our wedding however she has told us to book whatever we like and so far we have and have shown it to her after things are booked and she''s loved it so far. You seem to be making a lot of sacrifices. Also I''m really sorry that the venue lied to you-how ridiculous of them, especially after driving out to see it. Sending hugs!

 

[Pandora II]

This is RIDICULOUS!

I could understand a non-religious person marrying in church if it was incredibly important to their future HUSBAND, but the idea that you should compromise your spiritual viewpoint for his mother is ludicrous.

I mean, if you were very religious would you forgo a church wedding because that's what his mother wanted?

My FMIL and her husband are both vicars and we are having a humanist wedding and they are more than happy.


Your FI needs to grow some balls and look at his wedding as what you and he want and not what his mother wants.

Of course this does depend a bit on who is paying the $$$. My parents are paying for mine and so they got to say that they wanted a local wedding and not abroad; and they got a good chunk of the guest-list.

Other than that I have made every other decision and told them about it afterwards.

Future in-laws have had no say or input whatsoever and actually don't know anything more than what they got off the STD and website...

 

[buttercup80]

I agree with Pandora - I''m having enough difficulty with my own mother; I''m not even going to try to deal with FMIL. Fortunately, she''s fairly laid back. . .

I hope things get better! And I would write a letter complaining to the venue about their treatment of you - a $30 difference in the quote you were given is NOT okay - maybe you can save some other bride the hassle.

 

[surfgirl]

Word! To Pandora''s entire post. Honey, YOU are giving your FMIL the power to comandeer your your wedding. YOU have the power to take back the reins of YOUR wedding planning. Plan with you and your FI want and just do it. Your FMIL might not be happy but tough nuts, it''s not her wedding is it? If she wants the glory of a big shindig, let her pay for and throw you one after you get married in your small DW, the way you want to. Your wedding day is about what YOU want on the day you commit to your partner, if you let your FMIL take control of your wedding now, you can expect a lifetime of more of the same.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

Date: 5/11/2008 1:52:40 PM
Author: surfgirl
Word! To Pandora''s entire post. Honey, YOU are giving your FMIL the power to comandeer your your wedding. YOU have the power to take back the reins of YOUR wedding planning. Plan with you and your FI want and just do it. Your FMIL might not be happy but tough nuts, it''s not her wedding is it? If she wants the glory of a big shindig, let her pay for and throw you one after you get married in your small DW, the way you want to. Your wedding day is about what YOU want on the day you commit to your partner, if you let your FMIL take control of your wedding now, you can expect a lifetime of more of the same.

perfectly said. i agree 100%.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

where exactly did you go venue shopping? i live on long island and i''m getting married lakeside at the coral house in baldwin with our reception to follow. we are having just over 100 people. for the wedding, cocktail hour, and reception is came to just over 8,000 and they are very workable if you are on a budget. if you are interested let me know, i will call ahead for you and let them know i am sending you. my step father used to work there and we have a good family connection to the place...

 

[dogmama]

Hi Ladies,
Thank you for your sound advice. I finally told FI how I really feel today. I pretty much cried in the middle of it because I''ve been so bottled up about all this. It turns out he''s far more aware of my efforts and how stressful this is for me than I thought. He just said, That''s it. If this is the stress that we''re going to go through, I''m going to tell her that this is what we''re doing. Research some options, relax and it will be okay. He is backing me up 100%.

I feel horrendous though. I feel like this big ole crybaby who just needed to have her way. A bit of background on FMIL. She didn''t get a wedding or a church ceremony because in Poland when one of the couple is divorced they are not considered eligible to marry in a church so she had a civil ceremony. She also didn''t get a lavish party as they were not well off at the time. He is her first born son, one of two, so this is a HUGE deal for her. I get that, but I''ve felt that we''ve lost sight of the main event, so I think that''s why I''ve been so emotional about it.

Also, as I''ve mentioned I wanted a wedding that would be in range with our budget. A small destination wedding sounded extremely tempting once you tied it into immediate honeymoon. FI always mentioned that he wanted that. So I thought, hey why not?

I told him that it was unfair to go and ask for permission rather than telling her, this is what we want. Yes, she is contributing a large amount, but you''re right that doesn''t entitle her to run the show. Our goal was to be out of debt and soon saving enough to buy a house, not work to death for a 5 hour party.

So at this point, we''ve hung up the phone and I have NO clue what is going on at his place with his mother. I''ll find out I''m sure. I just hope that the sh*t hasn''t hit the fan and she''s going to hate me for the rest of our marriage.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

How did things work out with his Mom? I cannot agree with what you said more about not going into debt for a 5 hour party. It is so nice to hear someone say that! It sounds like you and FI are trying to get things on track. You do not need to feel bad about what you want. My Grandmother and my Grandfather eloped. There''s no wedding dress, no photos, nothing. So I can understand something similar to how she felt, but did my Grandmother force me to use a church? No. She said she really wanted me to, but every church we found didn''t work out. So she said, oh well! It''s your wedding, do what works best for you. It''s the same thing for you and FI. If you''re not super religious, get married where you want to get married. And she needs to just deal with it. I am a semi-religious (more spiritual) person and to me one of the most beautiful ways to celebrate life is to get married outside in nature. Wow, I sound like a hippie! Haha. Anyway, I definitely think you need to keep taking control. Hope this works out for you! ((hugs))