Feeling guilty! Need advice!

[pixie1216]

when is the last time you have seen or tried on your ring? you may be surprised when you actually get to wear it and see that it IS the perfect ring that you wanted in the first place. plus, once you add your wedding band, you can increase the bling factor greatly! instead of focusing on a bigger engagement ring, think about your options with your wedding band. alot of people don''t even wear engagement ring on daily basis, but always wear their wedding band! i reset my engagement diamond a few years ago, into a bigger, sparklier setting,(which i still like), but now i am a stay at home mom with a toddler and planning for more kids, and that ring is not practical. i can''t wear it everyday, and sometimes i feel awkward wearing it at places (like gymboree!). i recently purchased myself a smaller three stone ring, one carat total weight, that is perfect. it goes great with my wedding band and i haven''t taken it off since i got it! also remember, you will have a wedding to plan and also a honeymoon, all this costs $$!! i think the etoile ring you have is beautiful and will not go unnoticed by your friends and family! there will always be someone with bigger or better stuff, but is the grass greener?

 

[LaraOnline]

I''ve dated ''creative'' types, and I''m married to a ''professional'' type.
guess which one is loving AND more fun?

It''s no fun to be constantly made to feel guilty over every little lipstick you buy yourself. It''s no fun to be constantly funding his latest musical instrument or artistic endeavour at the same time.

People usually are best at seeing the value of the items that THEY themselves enjoy. If there''s not enough money to go around, what is there has to be shared fairly, and wisely.

Perhaps forgo the larger diamond (let''s face it, I''m still dreaming of a .5 myself), if you think you could talk him into buying a house / saving a house deposit in the next few years instead...?

 

[choro72]

Aww, I understand you second guessing yourself...Many women have the same problem, be it rings, dresses, new gadgets...FI and I call it the "Anticipation of a new toy" syndrome. When you don''t have it in your hands, you obsess with it, research like crazy, and in a short amount of time your preference may change a gazillion times.
I think most women know logically what the ring is supposed to symbolize, and they will say that it''s not just about the bling. But it''s also something that a lot of women have been dreaming about as children, and when it''s our turn we want it to be "perfect". Logic lurks way back in our brains, and the lust for purrrty things occupy most of our thoughts until someone slaps us in the face

I''m just rambling here...

I think there were two mistakes you made. You kept looking after your BF bought the ring, and you agreed to not upgrade. Can you ask your BF to show you the ring? You may realize that it''s the perfect one for you after all! And if you are still reading my post, then please stop looking for rings immediately. Browsing at this point will do you no good.

As for your financial situation, I don''t know you personally but here are some things that stood out to me based on what you wrote.

You said "And if I cared so much about money, I wouldn''t date a starving artist ". If you really thought this way, I don''t think you would ask for a bigger ring.

You said "it seemed that HE was the one who felt bad not being able to keep up with the Joneses". If this is true, the more reason not to bring it up. It will only make him more sensitive to the issue, and hurt his ego.

I know you are denying it, but your statement of "don''t I deserve what the other girls get?" is exactly what "keeping up with the Joneses" is about.

If you are really excited about marrying your BF, then I will suggest you to stop looking at rings, stop looking at what other people have, and fill your mind with what he bought for you.

Compromise is certainly the key to all relationship, but you have to realize that once you agree on something, you had better make sure that you are going to be alright with it. If you absolutely must have the ring, then maybe you can bring up the subject of upgrading again. Also let it be a lesson to you for knowing what you are going to be alright with.
It''s hard figuring out when you are okay backing down and when you should insist on what you want. I''m sure you''re not at all selfish. If you were, you wouldn''t post this topic. Don''t be too hard on yourself

P.S. Here''s some dust to your engagement in the near future. I''m sure that will blow any of your obsession away!

 

[2Artists]

I read this post right after you wrote it but it took me a while to formulate my thoughts on it. In case my 2Artists name didn''t give it away-I am an artist married to an artist. I know I know- you must be thinking how stinking rich we must be. Kidding. By the way I also got my guys opinion on this since I thought that an opinion from another creative guy could be useful to you.

I can certainly see where you are coming from. Both of us thought that it must feel rotten to be waiting for him to pop the big question knowing he has the ring. Also it must be very hard feeling that you are going to be married to the ring forever with no possible changes at all. Those are the 2 things that seemed the hardest to us.

At the same time my husband felt that asking him to finance a different one right now could really hurt his feelings.

I don''t think that you should be kicking yourself for wanting another ring because what you want is what you want. BUT how you deal with that want is where you have the chance to choose your course of action. Like sometimes I have to deal with really difficult people. Sometimes I want to bop them on the nose but I choose not to in the end. That is a really silly over dramatic example but hopefully you get my point.

I know that it can feel out of place not having what you perceive that others have. That is being human. Now personally I wear a 10 carat Harry Winston. Kidding again. Actually I rock a a sterling silver band with waves on it. People don''t tend to view it as a wedding ring. But I have to say so what. I love it because it was given with tremendous love. He is in the process of figuring out a cool ring for me now that the time is more appropriate for us.

I also understand coming from different backgrounds. We are from very opposite backgrounds. It was expected that I marry someone from a similar background. It was expected by some that I "marry rich". I showed them. Thank goodness my parents did not take the "My Super Sweet 16 Show" approach to raising me. They lived very modestly and put an emphasis on service, generosity and thirst for learning. Invaluable gifts that last. So being married to a starting out artist as a starting out artist myself wasn''t really much of an adjustment at all.

People often forget that what you are born into is nothing to be proud or ashamed of- it is just luck of the draw. In actuality I did marry rich. I did NOT marry a guy with a wealth of money but I married a guy with a wealth of other wonderful qualities I hold dear. I married someone who is an artistic genius, a very hard worker and has the same attitudes about money that I do. We know we are on the same team money wise. I love my self made man. Great things come from struggle-my parents struggled to make themselves so I knew it was OK for us to struggle to create a wonderful life together too.

Since we can''t "Mr. Potato head" our loved ones and pick and choose positive characteristics we learn to deal with both. There can be hard things about being with an artistic person (male and female included) but there are wonderful things too. Different guys have different advantages. I''m sure you already know the advantages of a creative artistic guy. I mean isn''t being with an artist/musician a bit dashing, sexy and caliente? You said he was very romantic too. Who is to say others aren''t envying you.

I think with a ring it always comes down to if it is good fit (the partner and the ring) and it was given thoughtfully with love. By the way I looked up your ring type and thought that it is just great looking- very sharp and classic and lovely in the size that you got.

It''s who holds your hand not what your hand holds. Best luck. Be gentle with the guy and I''m sure you 2 can get it all figured out just fine. Props for your honesty and candor. I hope that none of the above came of as annoying or offensive because I really get where you are coming from and don''t judge you for feeling the way you do one bit.

female half 2Artists

 

[QueenG]

Thank you, everyone, for your very thoughtful responses. Cara, 2Artists, and most of the others really, really seem to "get" the situation and are getting me to evaluate things a bit further. Part of me thinks that he is waiting to accomplish some work with his music to feel worthy of "promising to take care of me". I don''t think of marriage that way, but he seems to want to be able to afford a wonderful lifestyle when his music takes off, but I just want to be with him already! We should be taking care of each other, not waiting around for one of us to get rich. These comments of his make me feel that I pushed him into this (hey, we''ve known each other for fifteen years and have dated for over 3 of those years, it''s time to start our life together!). So, I think I''m going to talk to him about it. I think it may be best to take engagement off the table for now, maybe get rid of the ring, and do this when and if he feels it''s right. He doesn''t deserve to be pushed, and I certainly don''t feel I should beg someone to marry me. I''m in no rush. I am going back to school for several years to better my/our(?) future, and I really shouldn''t be focusing on anything but that right now. When the time comes for him to be ready, we can see what our finances are like and go from there. I''d be compromising for him anyway, since he wants a wedding and I don''t, and clearly that''s a larger expense than a ring.