Feeling guilty about getting gifts from DH

[alli_esq]

This is sort of part 3 from my other question, and is probably a no-brainer for a lot of you out there: I feel very very guilty when DH spends money on me, probably mostly because our finances are so completely separate and divided, and I have always made so much less than he has. I have always spent as much as I could on him for gifts, but he's not into gift-giving like I am.

Here is an example: I bought him a wedding gift, and he said that he just wanted me to shop for my own gift and he'd pay for it (initially, he didn't want to exchange gifts at all). I decided I wanted an aquamarine ring (his birthstone is an aqua, so I liked the idea), so I bought the stone. But, because that cost even more than the wedding gift I gave him, I said I'd get the setting for another occasion--my birthday.

My birthday rolled around and although we often get small gifts for each other AND go out to dinner for each other's birthdays, we went to a really nice restaurant for my birthday...the bill ended up being so astronomical that I really really couldn't see him ALSO buying me something else (even though he said he was fine with it), so again, no setting.

So now, the next "big occasion" is our first anniversary (not until November), and I still don't have a setting for my aqua. I have a feeling that anniversary gifts are going to be very minor (DH doesn't place much importance on giving gifts), and so although my dream setting would cost around $1,500, there is NO WAY ON EARTH he will EVER spend that much on a gift. Even when I said I could get a setting for about $450, he thought THAT was incredibly expensive for a piece of jewelry.

I am sad that I am unable to wear my "wedding gift" (even though I didn't get even that until a few months ago), but because I make a lot less than DH does and we have historically kept our money separate, I feel so bad for him to spend anything on me (even the dinner was so extravagant I feel a little bad, but at least he got to enjoy that with me). What would you do in this situation?

 

[luckynumber]

Hold on.

You're married.

He earns much more than you.

Your money is all kept separate.

He doesn't buy you gifts although he earns a lot more.

There is something in this situation that doesn't sit well with me.

I'm not telling you what to do, but I would not be happy with this situation.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I think you should talk to him. Tell him how you feel, what your expectations are and understand him, in order to find a solution that is comfortable for both. From your post, I get the feeling that the monetary solution in your marriage isn't making you happy. You are constantly comparing what he spends and, in a way, trying to control his decision (he spent too much on the dinner, he spent more than you on wedding gifts, even in situations where he said he was fine with it) and, yet, resenting it (he won't spend $1,500 on a setting).

Assuming that your DH is a responsible adult (ie., buying you gifts isn't driving him into debt), why do you feel guilty? He chose to spend his money on you and it was his choice: you didn't cajole, sweet talk or beg him into it. I would try to avoid being so worried about the monetary value of the gifts: he spends more because he can afford more. It doesn't mean anything more or less than that. If you prefer, think about how much he is spending as a % of his income vs what % you spend (but I really don't think any sort of monetary comparison is healthy).

Money is a very loaded subject for most people. It can represent so many things: luxuries for the present, safety for the future, control and so on. We also tend to talk very little about money, assuming our SO will automatically share our views. This can lead to a lot of trouble.

 

[alli_esq]

Hold on.

You're married.

He earns much more than you.

Your money is all kept separate.

He doesn't buy you gifts although he earns a lot more.

There is something in this situation that doesn't sit well with me.

I'm not telling you what to do, but I would not be happy with this situation.

(see my other topic "Combining Assets"--I'm asking for advice on that very issue...)

 

[tyty333]

Alli_esq,
You need to stop feeling bad about the dinner and just remember the fun time you had and how good it was. Your
DH doesnt want you to ruin the memory by feeling bad about the cost. Its a done deal.

My DH and I are not big gift givers (we sort of have everything we need or if we need something we go and buy it when
we need it). That's with the exception of bling. Sometimes when I want something that is a little more expensive than
I feel like I deserve I save up two gift giving opportunities and then get the gift. Since your anniversary is in Nov you
can use anniversary and Xmas gift to buy your setting. Hopefully that will get you to $450 and you can get a decent
LOGR ring off ebay. So for your anniversary you might mention to DH instead of him getting you a gift that you
would like the save the money and use it along with xmas money to set your stone. That getting your stone set would
really mean a lot to you.

Does he have the money? Is he just not big on expensive gifts or on jewelry? I suggest you figure out the nice (read expensive)
pieces of jewelry that you would like in the future and plan them for big years like 5 & 10 year anniversaries, turning 30, 40
etc. That way you have a better excuse to get something big. Also, you can save all gift opportunities that year for that big day.

Hope that helps and quite feeling guilty!
tyty

edit - BTW, I havent read Part 1 or Part 2 so I may not have the whole picture. I need to go find those threads.

 

[swingirl]

I don't understand being married, community property and all, and still living like you are single people with your finances so separate. I realize some people like to keep personal spending money for themselves but how far can your system go? Like you buy burgers for yourself and steak for him because he makes more money? Or you drive the 20 year old rusted can and he gets the Farrari?

And this will be a life long sentence for you since rarely do spouses make the same amount of money. There is always one or the other who has moved more forward with their career, chosen a high-paying career, or taken off time to have children. It's never equal but I think both people should share in the bounty of each other's fortunes as well as the disappointments of life.

When people marry they are supposed to become a team with common goals. You sound like you don't think you deserve equality in your marriage, at least financially.

 

[TooPatient]

You make less than him. If he wants to buy you a gift more expensive than something you could afford to buy for him, let him. He loves you and if he is comfortable with it there shouldn't be an issue.

(I just posted to your other thread so this is pretty much a continuation of that)

You mentioned that he had fears related to money and saving due to an unfortunate thing that happened to him. It sounds like you have issues with money too. It is normal for one person to make more than the other (and that changes through a marriage -- student/layoff/change-in-career/illness/baby/retirement/.......) and if you try to split it 50-50 on every last bill down to the penny you will drive yourself crazy.

Find an arrangement that is comfortable for both of you. Then relax. Go with the flow of life (pay bills & save obviously) and don't focus so much on who "owes" whom. It'll all even out over your marriage -- and if it doesn't... so what. You are a team now and as long as you're both comfortable with who is contributing where in your marriage then life is good.


As for your stone & setting, relax and follow his lead. Maybe he's comfortable getting a simple setting now and upgrading to your dream setting for your 5 year anniversary?

 

[Indylady]

I don't understand being married, community property and all, and still living like you are single people with your finances so separate. I realize some people like to keep personal spending money for themselves but how far can your system go? Like you buy burgers for yourself and steak for him because he makes more money? Or you drive the 20 year old rusted can and he gets the Farrari?

And this will be a life long sentence for you since rarely do spouses make the same amount of money. There is always one or the other who has moved more forward with their career, chosen a high-paying career, or taken off time to have children. It's never equal but I think both people should share in the bounty of each other's fortunes as well as the disappointments of life.

When people marry they are supposed to become a team with common goals. You sound like you don't think you deserve equality in your marriage, at least financially.

+1.

 

[elrohwen]

Honestly, I would not be happy with your situation. You're married, and even if you keep some separate accounts, your money is now combined. It would not sit right with me if my husband made much more and kept all of his money to himself. You don't have much if any discretionary income, and now he won't get you gifts? How much of this money is he spending on himself?

 

[sctsbride09]

I agree with swingirl and elrohwen. I am a housewife (even though I hate that word, I dont know what else to call it) and my husband is more than fair with me regarding finances. I still get gifts, he doesnt keep tabs on what I spend, we have all joint accounts, etc. Just because you dont bring in as much (or in my case any) doesnt mean that you dont contribute to the household. My mom is in the same position you are, and after 13 years of marriage has finally filed for divorce. She just cant take the competitive nature within their marriage, and she shouldnt have to. I would strongly suggest couples therapy, this can damage a marriage, Ive seen it.

ETA- I have not read your other thread, sorry if I missed something.

 

[purselover]

Honestly, I would not be happy with your situation. You're married, and even if you keep some separate accounts, your money is now combined. It would not sit right with me if my husband made much more and kept all of his money to himself. You don't have much if any discretionary income, and now he won't get you gifts? How much of this money is he spending on himself?

I agree, very shortly DH will be making a lot more than me and I couldn't imagine feeling guilty over a birthday dinner or being denied a setting for a stone that was a wedding gift. Someone always has to make more in a couple but you should never feel like you don't deserve birthday gifts just because you don't make as much!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm sorry you're in this situation alli_esq. It sounds very hurtful. Look, I sort of got your last post about always paying your half, etc., though I do find it odd that there is still an emphasis put on that post-marriage. But this resentment (?) he seems to have about gifts is odd. Going out to dinner together and having him pick up the tab, even a really REALLY nice dinner, is not something you should feel guilty about.

So this is my suggestion: you say he does not place significance on events/gifts. That's fine, I'm sure you knew that long before you married him. What amount does he feel comfortable spending for major events (b-days/anniversaries/holidays)? If he is only comfortable spending a couple of hundred bucks, then fine, at least you can set your expectations. And you don't have to feel guilty because you'll know what he feels comfortable spending.

 

[yssie]

I don't understand being married, community property and all, and still living like you are single people with your finances so separate. I realize some people like to keep personal spending money for themselves but how far can your system go? Like you buy burgers for yourself and steak for him because he makes more money? Or you drive the 20 year old rusted can and he gets the Farrari?

And this will be a life long sentence for you since rarely do spouses make the same amount of money. There is always one or the other who has moved more forward with their career, chosen a high-paying career, or taken off time to have children. It's never equal but I think both people should share in the bounty of each other's fortunes as well as the disappointments of life.

When people marry they are supposed to become a team with common goals. You sound like you don't think you deserve equality in your marriage, at least financially.

+1.

I'm not married yet, but I have to ditto this - I'm sure many couples make it work successfully (the scenarios listed above not indicating that btw), but I don't understand it.