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Feeling frustrated and silly

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akw94

Brilliant_Rock
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Feb 10, 2006
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I am feeling a bit down tonight about wedding stuff. One of my current goals is to pick a bm dress. For some reason, I just can''t seem to do it. I really don''t enjoy picking a dress for another person that I haven''t seen in person or tried on. So I picked some dresses available at local stores to try on. My MOH has gone to both stores, taken pics and given opinions. She lives out of state, has a new baby, new job and husband. One bm said she''d go a couple weekends ago and didn''t mention it again. Another just wants me to pick and has made it pretty darned clear that she''d rather not try on dresses. She says she''ll try them on but never follows through, both times I went dress shopping and now trying to pick a date to go together for her. The other is definitely busy so I''m not really expecting much from her anyway.
I know it''s my wedding and not theirs but these are my best friends. I''m not asking anything else from them but this. I try not to always bring up talking about the wedding b/c the two are single. So I''m feeling frustrated at their lack of help but silly for feeling frustrated. I decided to go try on the dresses myself this weekend and just pick based on my thoughts and my MOH''s opinions.
I just want everyone to be happy. They''re paying for the dresses so I figure they''d want some say but it just seems they don''t. Makes me feel like they don''t care about me but I know that''s not what it is. I''m trying not to be so sensitive.. I guess some days it''s easier than others.
Maybe part of the frustration is that I''m pretty much doing everything myself so it gets pretty overwhelming. I thought I''d at least have help on picking the bm dresses. I guess my feelings are just a little hurt.

Thanks for the venting space!
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
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11,242
You poor thing! Good thing you have the BWW and lots of women going through the same thing
It seems like, with any aspect of planning, you just have to get over that first hump (in this case, finding something to jump-start your BMs into dress-shopping mode!).

If you really do want it to be a communal effort, you could pick out a few options online and send pictures to all your BMs. The ones you posted a little while back were all lovely, have they seen those pics? More than likely they'd all come back with "well I like the hemline, but not the sleeves, the neckline's good but maybe a little low" etc. etc., which could help guide you toward something that will make everyone happy. Then again, you could get caught in the trap of one BM wanting one thing, and another wanting something completely different--so you'd have to ask yourself, do you really want to go down that road of trying to please everyone? (If so, you're a noble soul!!
I only have one BM largely so that it would be less stressful trying to please everyone--since "everyone" is only one person! I can't imagine trying to fit three or more peoples' needs in a dress, it would be a struggle!)
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jan 25, 2005
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12,145
You''d think they''d want to try on a dress they''re going to have to wear in front of lots of people! Or at least be more involved since they''re the ones who have to wear it. It sounds like they''re not displaying the ''excitement'' that you wish they would. However, you don''t have to avoid talking about your wedding because 2 of the BMs are single...if it is going to bother them that much, they shouldn''t have agreed to be in the wedding. It''s possible that you could be feeling oversensitive right now AND they''re not as into it as they possibly ought to be. You can do your part by trying not to take it personally, but they need to do their part and be involved with the wedding!!!
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
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Mar 21, 2006
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2,202
I think the solution here is to not think of how you would like them to act, but look at their actions and behavior and react accordingly. They are just not that excited to go dress shopping. I completely sympathize cause I have been occasionally stressed trying to think about picking out a dress/dresses for my friends scattered across the country. I think there are a few paths out. First, though, since they aren''t giving you a lot of input, think about what YOU want them to look like. Color, length, fabric, style, etc. Come up with an image in your head. Cause someone should be happy with how it turns out!

Path 1) go do your best and pick a dress. It should be something that you think will be fairly flattering, but make sure you like it. Then email it out and ask if its OK. You could also pick 2 to give them choice, but you want a really constrained task for your BMs, not open ended.

Path 2) pick a fabric and designer and length and make them pick which style, and order them to give you their selection and measurements by X date. That way, if they don''t want to go try on dresses, they can just pick from the website and suffer the consequences but its not your fault.

Either way, your task is to constrain the world of bridesmaid dresses for them into something very bitesize and managable. I know, not the magic process you might have imagined, but whatever....
 

basil

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2006
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1,526
Hey Dixie,

I don''t really have any advice for you, but I definitely have been feeling the same way lately. It''s really hard when it seems people you love don''t care as much about it as you think they should. In my case, it''s my dad. Though he''s ordinarily a very loving guy, his reaction when I got engaged was "Congratulations! How long are we going to have to talk about the wedding now, and how much can I pay you to elope?" Since then, all he''s done is roll his eyes. It''s not like I would expect anyone to be as excited about it as we are, but sometimes it would be nice if I felt that someone cared. But then I have to take a step back and realize that it''s not a reflection of how much he loves me, he just really hates talking about flowers or dresses or reception food or whatever.

And as much as I would feel the way you do if my bridesmaids were uninterested in helping pick the dress, I can kind of understand where they are coming from too. Honestly, if I were a bridesmaid, I would want the bride to pick whatever she liked best, because it''s really not about the bridesmaids.

If you want to be evil, you should just pick the ugliest one and tell them that''s what you''ve picked, then see if they complain and/or come up with some other suggestions
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
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1,084
Dixie~ Coming from a bride with 5 bridesmaids who had similar problems...... Are you set on having one dress for all? I can''t remember. If you are, then a v-necked or halter top with an a-line skirt and an assymetrical or dropped waist would flatter everyone. Make sure the V or halter are not too deep and it''s a nice fabric/color/lenght that you like and voila! Have I already suggested using separates? You could even pick the skirt for them (if you do, I''d make sure it is of the a-line variety) and have them choose the top. They CAN choose the top online in most cases if they are that unable to go out and look.

I ended up do the latter and I wish that was what I had done the first time around. It would''ve saved me from a horrible headheache.
 

NYCsparkle

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 23, 2006
Messages
1,371
i chose the color and designer and let them all choose their own dress. i had no stress and they were comfortable in what they chose. my bm''s all had different body types and i didn''t want to deal with the drama of who doesn''t like what style on them.
 

akw94

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,937
Thank you Musey, FG, Cara, Basil, So Happy and NYC for your support! I appreciate your comments!

Musey, my bm''s have seen those pics. I sent a larger group to them initially and asked for thoughts. The comments were pretty basic so then I narrowed down the choices and asked them to try them on. I almost wish they would say they like x but not y, etc... Then, I''d have the input that I need to choose.

FG, those were my thoughts too! I am sure that you are right, I am oversensitive and they aren''t that involved. The one bm here told me today she couldn''t pick a date to go until the end of the month. She is the one who stood me up twice already and then said she''d pick a date and we''d go after work this week or next. I told her that I was going to go by myself this weekend b/c I just can''t wait anymore. She asked had I been getting alot of feedback and I told her that my MOH had tried on the dresses. Then, she felt bad but no so bad that she made an effort to go shopping. I see myself getting pretty annoyed about this so I''m not asking her anything else about the dresses. What I can''t believe is that she is the same person who wanted to talk about dresses w/me before getting engaged and said she couldn''t wait to go shopping. Now, it''s totally different.

Cara, you''re right about just acting according to their actions/behavior! I already have an image in my head so I''m going w/that. I just hope I find a dress that matches this weekend. I''m not going to give any more choices b/c that just hasn''t worked for me. I''m picking a dress and asking they order it by the end of March.

Basil, so sorry to hear about things w/your dad. I think we both have to take your advice and remember that they''re reactions aren''t a reflection of their love. But I understand how that''s hard at times, especially w/your dad. I guess some people just don''t make the effort to think about the others involved, which certainly leads to hurt feelings. If I were a bm, I would never want the bride to feel like I didn''t care so I would definitely make an effort to be interested, but of course, if it''s one of my best friends, it wouldn''t be an effort b/c I would want to be involved.

So happy, I do want one dress for all; I just really like that look. My MOH did try on separates but I didn''t like them at all. So even the same version of separates just doesn''t work for me; I prefer the look of a dress vs. skirt and top.

NYC, I understand your choice and I''m kind of wondering why I care so much about picking an actual dress but for whatever reason, this is important to me. I just wish it were a bit more important to my bm''s.

Oh well, life goes on...... I thought I was done dress shopping but I will be going this weekend!
 
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