Home Feel out of the loop since she''s prego... I''m not

[Rosebud8506]

Hey guys,

Normally don''t post a lot, nor do I start my own topic, but I have been really down in the dumps these last few months. I am of the age where a lot of my friends are married (3-5 year brink already) and you guys know the drill... people start having babies.

Well, I''ve gone thru a tough last 12-15 months. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer, my husband lost his job (now going on over a year) and we live in the worst state for unemployment - MI.

My good, good friends are TTC and we always talked about being prego together, and being neighbors (we are already) and etc, etc.

I have been very depressed, and know they are TTC, and things are just changing. I know currently my DH and I are in no way financially able to handle a baby right now, I mean we could, but it means giving up a LOT with our current spending, etc. I have a PT time job, and it brings in income, and he is on unemployment, but that won''t be for forever.

We were really expecting to be prego, or at least TTC this last fall, and I feel like I''m missing out, behind the 8 ball - whatever you want to call it. I''m not that old, but not that young either, I will be 31 soon, and DH 32.

My concerns are 1) I want to have the first grandchild while my dad is here on this earth since cancer is an ugly thing that no one can predict, and 2) I want my friendship back with my girlfriend and her DH. I feel as though we are on different wavelengths these days and she is "hiding" being prego, or her feelings on being prego, trying to be prego, etc, maybe cuz she knows we can''t right now. You get the point - I hope.

Just want to voice my concerns and see what others think... am I totally wacko right now, or what??

Thanks for listening

 

[Bliss]

First, HUGS to you... and prayers for your dad and for your DH''s job search. If anything, I hope this makes your bond stronger. I cannot imagine having a beloved parent diagnosed with cancer. I am so sorry.

It makes complete sense that you would want to fill this hole with some joy, like a baby. And it''s hard when friends are having babies left and right. It just seems like you see preggo women everywhere when you get baby fever. I know what that''s like!

Would it help to tell you friend that you really need her friendship right now? Maybe you''re right and she''s feeling awkward about wanting to talk to you about the changes in her life... because she cares about you and doesn''t want you to feel discouraged.

Don''t worry... it will be your time soon! Life changes so fast. You just never know what the next day will bring or what''s around the corner. Your DH could walk in with a new job lead tomorrow... or an awesome opportunity will fall from the heavens into your lap next month. It just happens fast, so be ready and cherish these times together!

When I was TTC and impatient, my mom told me to cherish DH and the time when we are just two. She said to go on romantic little getaways, have candlelit dinner (just light a candle to make it special) and snuggle in your quiet and peaceful home. Go on long stress relieving walks and talk your hearts out about your concerns and dreams. Really listen to him and be there for each other. When the baby comes one day, you will long for those times.

I sense that you are feeling lonely and anxious. It''s natural. Just recognize that it''s a moment. Like that U2 song, you''re stuck in a moment. It''ll pass. Change is constantly at work in our lives... it''s comforting in a way because that''s the one thing you can count on. And if you''re a person of faith, pray your heart out. It will bring you comfort and peace. The more love you generate, the more happiness you will find.

 

[Shoopy]

I’m really sorry about your father and your husband losing his job. I can only imagine how much more stress that adds to everything. Sending lots of prayers.

On your friend hiding being pregnant or TTC, I understand it from her perspective. When I found out I was pregnant, one of the hard things for me was breaking the news to my former best friend because she had wanted children of her own and ended up with ovarian cancer. I had no clue how to bring it up and it was really stressful for me (and a strain on our friendship because I withdrew). I think that if you want that connection to your best friend to hear about how her TTC journey is going or even to find out if she is pregnant, then reaching out to her may be a good start. She may be in the same position as I was and just not know if you really want to hear the news KWIM?

As for your situation with holding off on TTC and not sure on how you feel, all I can say is big hugs. Taking your current home status into consideration before having the baby is so thoughtful to your future children because you are putting their needs first and they aren’t even here yet. I hope that came out the right way because I’ve been trying to figure out how to word it best.

It will happen.

 

[Rosebud8506]

Thanks guys.

Yeah, I know it is probably difficult for her to figure out how to act around me knowing all the stuff that is going on in my life right now, but it just stinks. I can totally tell she is more distant, so unlike her personality. While I am not certain they are pregnant, I''m know they are trying, and am pretty sure it''s a go since she is very paranoid about being sick these days, and not wanting to be around people who have basic colds, etc.

Re: My Dad, he''s on round 3 of a new drug/chemo, so we''re hoping this one will be successful, but it''s just hard as I''m sure many of you have dealt with a parent and cancer. I know he won''t be around forever, but it def. is in the back of my mind and I think about it all the time.

Life throws you some lemons!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Rose, do you health insurance? You mentioned only working PT and most times those jobs do not offer benefits. I would NEVER TTC WITHOUT insurance. Having a baby os expensive. Okay, that's my PSA for the day.

I am so sorry for your father. I understand you wanting to have your first child while he is still alive but unfortunately there is no way to predict that. Your friend is probably trying to protect you b/c she knows how badly you want a baby. I don't think a friendship is made or broken but the pure fact you could both have babies at the same exact time. Having a child is stressful and though I agree there is never a perfect time it seems like your life is stressful enough right now.

ETA: if I am remembering correctly my birth/hospital care *alone* was around $26K for a VB. That's not including all my prenatal care. Medical bills haunt you forever.

 

[Mara]

I agree with Tacori re insurance. My HMO work plan pays for everything, but they still send us this bill for $7 for a month for some class we took, and on there they''d also list everything that the insurance paid for as well. It costs about $600 for my monthly visits, blood tests, any ultrasounds or imaging they did for the baby that month. The amnio was about $600. Blood tests were $75 a pop. I was amazed at how expensive everything was. My friend had 80/20 coverage and had an emergency CS and ended up having to pay $10k out of pocket cost because it was $50k. Not the kind of surprise you want the same day you bring your baby home.

Your feelings are totally valid and you have a lot going on emotionally. It is hard when life tosses you curve balls you didn''t expect. I understand feeling like you are off-track but don''t be so strict on holding yourself to some imaginary timeline when it comes to life. Otherwise you might feel like this continuously throughout the rest of your years. I am a firm believer in things happen when they should and if you try to rush them or force them a lot of times the outcome is not what you planned for or expected.

I know it is easier said than done, but enjoy this time with your friend. You two may not be exactly on the same path but it doesn''t change your friendship. And if she does get pregnant first, she can be a great help when you do conceive! She''ll already have been through it and that kind of advice from a friend is invaluable. So what if your kids are one or two years apart. It won''t make a difference in the long run.

I am so sorry about your dad and hope your hub finds a job soon. Hang in there, it sounds like a tough time, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel...I hope you guys see it very soon. Appreciate what you DO have, you might find that it helps you emotionally when things seem very bleak. Best of luck.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Rosebud,

I''m so sorry about your father''s illness. Don''t give up hope... there is so much to be said for medical advancements these days! My mother-in-law fought cancer last year this time, and is still regaining strength and getting chemo every now and then to continue to keep the bad cells from returning. I wish your family much strength through this stage... I wish your father much faith in healing, too!

About your friend, it''s so hard when a best friend moves into another stage of life than that which you''re in. Not just for babies, but marriage, career, all the "big" things in life. She may be pulling away because she doesn''t want to hurt you, but likely if you tell her that pulling away is hurting you, you can both be a support to one another even though your life stages aren''t matching exactly at this moment in time.

I hope your husband finds an excellent job soon, too. Such a struggle right now in that area...

Thinking of you, and I''m praying for your father''s wellness!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Well, this may not be a popular opinion but here goes...

It is not a wise financial time for you to have a child. This is true. And it should be considered. And there may be a certain guilt associated with TRYING and PLANNING to have a child during such an unwise financial time for you.

But children come. They come to the unprepared, they come to the too young, the too uncommitted. And if you don't go nuts buying stuff and you nurse, they're really not that expensive for a very long time - depending on the choices you make. Lots of piano and dance lessons will add up quickly where walking a child in the park is free. There are choices we can make that cost a lot of money - and when you have kids old enough for the adult menu it can get really expensive to eat out. But people with not very much money have children all the time.

My husband made 15k a year when we had my daughter. We were young but we planned it. He was military so we had health insurance (such as it was) and that might be the biggest concern you could have is health insurance.

Mostly having a child is an emotional experience. We WANTED a child. The calling inside of me was so strong wisdom was irrelevant. I don't think he and I took the easiest road, but there was never a regret.

There are not very many absolute "right" times and there are very few really "wrong" times. Children and people and they adapt and our instincts take over and we adapt too.

You may get no consensus that it would be wise to do it now... but if you do, don't feel bad about your choice. It will all work out, it really will.

ETA: I agree with Tacori that *having* the baby is expensive... but keeping it doesn't have to be - it's about choices. Designer clothes and $300 strollers sure do add up. But the only thing you really need to buy new is the car seat.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 11/11/2009 1:41:02 PM
Author: Cehrabehra


ETA: I agree with Tacori that *having* the baby is expensive... but keeping it doesn''t have to be - it''s about choices. Designer clothes and $300 strollers sure do add up. But the only thing you really need to buy new is the car seat.

That is my concern. You have to HAVE the baby in order to HAVE a baby if you know what I mean. OP could have independent health insurance for all we know but if not it IS important to wait. I cannot even imagine what my bill would have been had I had a c/s or my baby had to go to the NICU. We cannot plan for a typical, normal birth. She needs to be prepared. My younger brother was 3 months early and spent 3 months in the NICU. Can you even IMAGINE the bill my parents would have had to pay w/o insurance? Being a parent requires responsibility. Setting yourself up with that amount of debt on purpose is irresponsibility IMHO. To my knowledge not even filing bankruptcy erases medial bills. Even nursing (which some women physically cannot do BTW), generic diapers, used baby stuff it would still be stretching it with one PT income.

 

[Mara]

oh, i wasn't even thinking about the cost of raising the child when i was talking about costs. you can get most stuff secondhand from friends if you need to. but costs of having the child is something that i think a lot of people don't think about ahead of time... i didn't really.

when our parents had kids things seemed different. a lot of them didn't make much, but also things cost a lot less too. seriously sometimes i think we can barely afford one child which is ridiculous, but it's not the same world. daycare is $1k a month if you have to work, formula, diapers are super expensive. who knew that if i didn't have insurance or even good insurance that my monthly appts would cost me $600 a month? that's a rent payment in some areas.

that is not to say people can't have kids without being financially prepared...it's done all the time. but just saying, if you are thinking about it ahead of time and planning, when one person is unemployed and things are tight is not the time i would optimally choose.

 

[Rosebud8506]

Thanks guys for your input!

Yes, we do have health insurance, but we have an individual policy and it is catastrophic. So, basically paying a ton of $$$ out of pocket is more like it. Hence why I say that it would def not be a wise decision for us to have a child right now, totally in agreeance there. I''m actually in the insurance industry too, and I can just imagine what you guys pay for Dr. appts and the like for pre-baby

Most insurance plans will only cover child birth if there are complications, typically. But it''s all the stuff you guys were talking about before baby that would def. add up.

 

[Cehrabehra]

My daughter cost me $10 and each of my boys cost me $20. So $50 total out of pocket for 3 c-sections and perinatologist and NICU and etc. etc.

I thought that was normal for with insurance?

 

[Rosebud8506]

Date: 11/11/2009 4:43:48 PM
Author: Mara
oh, i wasn''t even thinking about the cost of raising the child when i was talking about costs. you can get most stuff secondhand from friends if you need to. but costs of having the child is something that i think a lot of people don''t think about ahead of time... i didn''t really.

when our parents had kids things seemed different. a lot of them didn''t make much, but also things cost a lot less too. seriously sometimes i think we can barely afford one child which is ridiculous, but it''s not the same world. daycare is $1k a month if you have to work, formula, diapers are super expensive. who knew that if i didn''t have insurance or even good insurance that my monthly appts would cost me $600 a month? that''s a rent payment in some areas.

that is not to say people can''t have kids without being financially prepared...it''s done all the time. but just saying, if you are thinking about it ahead of time and planning, when one person is unemployed and things are tight is not the time i would optimally choose.

OMG totally. I am amazed at how my Gparents even made it to this country through Ellis Island with barely nothing in their pockets and 3 children to boot, and no jobs... Puts things into perspective.

 

[E B]

Date: 11/11/2009 7:24:05 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

My daughter cost me $10 and each of my boys cost me $20. So $50 total out of pocket for 3 c-sections and perinatologist and NICU and etc. etc.

I thought that was normal for with insurance?

It depends on the insurance, I guess. I'm insured through my husband's work and all together, our bills came to ~$7,000 out-of-pocket for a vaginal delivery. And we have good insurance. Not the best, but good.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father, Rose. I agree with the others- it'd probably be smartest to wait until you're in a better place both emotionally and financially. You seem to have come to that conclusion as well, which is good. I hope your husband finds work soon and you're able to reconnect with your friend. You might be good support for each other even if you're in different places.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/11/2009 7:24:05 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
My daughter cost me $10 and each of my boys cost me $20. So $50 total out of pocket for 3 c-sections and perinatologist and NICU and etc. etc.


I thought that was normal for with insurance?

That is the exception and not the rule unfortunately these days.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/11/2009 7:53:02 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 11/11/2009 7:24:05 PM

Author: Cehrabehra

My daughter cost me $10 and each of my boys cost me $20. So $50 total out of pocket for 3 c-sections and perinatologist and NICU and etc. etc.



I thought that was normal for with insurance?

That is the exception and not the rule unfortunately these days.

My first was military covered (not on base but still military) and my other two were... I guess we just have great insurance. I really had no idea people paid so much out of pocket!! I had really crazy complicated births to... I was in the hospital for 7 nights with my 2nd one.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/11/2009 8:00:12 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 11/11/2009 7:53:02 PM

Author: neatfreak

Date: 11/11/2009 7:24:05 PM


Author: Cehrabehra


My daughter cost me $10 and each of my boys cost me $20. So $50 total out of pocket for 3 c-sections and perinatologist and NICU and etc. etc.




I thought that was normal for with insurance?

That is the exception and not the rule unfortunately these days.

My first was military covered (not on base but still military) and my other two were... I guess we just have great insurance. I really had no idea people paid so much out of pocket!! I had really crazy complicated births to... I was in the hospital for 7 nights with my 2nd one.

Yeah I had amazing insurance (sob...so sad we moved and had to give it up!) and didn''t pay a dime for any of my prenatal care or the delivery of my twins. But unfortunately many of my friends have not been so lucky...some paying 20% some paying a "flat fee" of 5 or 6k...it''s really crazy these days.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Cehra, things are WAY different now (at least for civilians). I think I got off lightly with ($4,400 plus my monthly insurance coverage. I was in the hospital for 5 days) but that is still a lot of money if one partner is not working and the other only works part time.

 

[Shoopy]

I didn''t pay for prenatal care or the delivery either. Well, unless you don''t count my $186 bi-weekly insurance cost

.

 

[House Cat]

Can you seek out your friend and be there with her through her pregnancy? I had my sons during times when none of my friends were ready to conceive and they were still with me every step of the way. I really needed the comfort of my friends.

It''s ok for your lives to take different paths. You can still stay connected. There was a reason the two of you bonded in the first place. Tap into that reason and get your friend back. It sounds as though you could use some friendship and comfort yourself?

 

[KimberlyH]

I would have a frank and honest conversation with her about how you feel. Be sure to tell her you''re happy for her and want to be a part of this new phase of her life and that remind her that just because you aren''t there with her doesn''t mean it''s not joyful, it''s just a bit difficult for you because you thought you''d be pregnant in a similar timeframe and that''s not how things have worked out.

When a good friend had her second child and I wasn''t yet married she decided we were too far apart in our lives to be friends anymore, it was devestating to me. After not speaking for a year I contacted her and let her know I missed her very much, even though she had hurt me; our friendship has resumed but it will never be the same as it once was. I wish she had come to me so we could have talked through her feelings rather than decided, after 7 years of friendship, that she needed to distance herself. And there are things I could have done differently too, I''m sure. My point in sharing this is that I would put some extra effort into the friendship now, as you clearly value it greatly, so that you two can continue to be close.

My best to you.

 

[Cehrabehra]

the reason it was so ''cheap'' is that the way our insurance works is that you pay a copay and prenatal/delivery is considered ONE package so I pay as much for a regular appointment as I did the whole shbang. When we''re overseas we have Aetna which pays 90% flat on everything so while that is generally cheaper for most things, that would be more to have a child. Lots more!

I am also wondering how the OP is feeling this week... I remember when the girl next door got pregnant and I cried. I wanted a baby so bad and she didn''t. Those maternal pangs are so throbbing sometimes. I felt them so intensely I thought I would feel them all my life, I was surprised how quickly they went away when baby #3 weaned, never to return. But before that I was jealous of every baby belly I saw unless I was actually prego and then I thought my belly was the greatest thing ever! I think that''s why my response was to not hold back (although reading all of the insurance costs for some - that definitely would give me pause) regardless of the wisdom of it. Not sage advice perhaps, but I totally get it.

 

[janinegirly]

Insurance coverage varies depending on plan selected and also degree of employer contribution.
In my case, I payd $250 out of pocket for the actual delivery / hopsital (fixed deductible) and that's it. Each prenatal doctor visit was free. I did freak out one time about lack of movement so had a fetal test and they charged me $100 for that since they considered that an ER visit. I had no compilcations, but dont' think it would have added more to the costs..would still have been $250 unless I requested my own room,etc.

Regarding your friend, I understand how difficult it can be. In a perfect world we are all supportive of our friends and vice versa without an ounce of envy, but that is not reality. Life can be hard (esp in current market) and it can feel harder when you see friends/family seemingly flying ahead. What I can say is what is on the surface is not always the case--your friend is going through things too and it's best to have a honest convo with her rather than torturing yourself with thoughts of what she's hiding. It is true that she may avoid certain topics, but if you'd rather she not do that tell her! Or if you'd rather she did, telll her too. I remember now knowing how to act around certain friends who were TTC'ing for years while I got lucky in a few months--but my friend was very upfront with me and told me she didn't want me to edit myself b/c she doesn't need to be felt sorry for (she ended up preggo a few mo's later btw). I would never have guessed she felt that way if I didn't put it out there.

I'm sorry you are going through a tough time but things will get better. Your DH will eventually find a job. In the meantime look into your insurance or maybe finding a full time job? Taking steps towards making things better for when you do TTC might keep your mind of negatives or what's going on with friends,etc.

 

[TravelingGal]

I agree...if you are not in a financially sound (i.e., insurance) place, it''s not the best idea to have a kid.

To add to the insurance discussion, my bill was $250 and each office visit was $25. I believe that was all I paid on a tab of over $50,000. I am not a fan of HMOs, but they are great when it comes to having kids. PPOs are better otherwise and I have Amelia on TGuy''s PPO plan, which has been awesome for her.

 

[Mara]

yeah i have a few friends considering HMO switches for when they are looking into having kids or when they get preggo. and kaiser has been pretty great re: prenatal care, surprisingly so actually...REALLY proactive and positive. we'll pay $50 when we enter the hospital and it covers everything, even surgery...and all my copays for visits, blood draws, even our amnio has been $0. i've had them my whole life so i am used to dealing with the bigger hospitals but again, been impressed thus far. and the hospital is new where we'll deliver, so the rooms are supposedly really nice..we lucked out with timing.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/16/2009 12:04:42 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I agree...if you are not in a financially sound (i.e., insurance) place, it''s not the best idea to have a kid.


To add to the insurance discussion, my bill was $250 and each office visit was $25. I believe that was all I paid on a tab of over $50,000. I am not a fan of HMOs, but they are great when it comes to having kids. PPOs are better otherwise and I have Amelia on TGuy''s PPO plan, which has been awesome for her.

Interesting, because technically our plan is ppo (if we go out of contract we have to pay a % which probably would amount to a bill closer to what some of the other quotes are.... but we are not in an hmo. I did NOT want to sign up for that. There were several options available to us (kaiser was one) but we chose the ppo mainly because if something catastrophic ever were to happen, I would want the total freedom to go to any specialist in the world and still have coverage.... though if we stay in plan we get the awesome $20 deductible.

 

[Rosebud8506]

Date: 11/15/2009 11:23:57 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I would have a frank and honest conversation with her about how you feel. Be sure to tell her you''re happy for her and want to be a part of this new phase of her life and that remind her that just because you aren''t there with her doesn''t mean it''s not joyful, it''s just a bit difficult for you because you thought you''d be pregnant in a similar timeframe and that''s not how things have worked out.

When a good friend had her second child and I wasn''t yet married she decided we were too far apart in our lives to be friends anymore, it was devestating to me. After not speaking for a year I contacted her and let her know I missed her very much, even though she had hurt me; our friendship has resumed but it will never be the same as it once was. I wish she had come to me so we could have talked through her feelings rather than decided, after 7 years of friendship, that she needed to distance herself. And there are things I could have done differently too, I''m sure. My point in sharing this is that I would put some extra effort into the friendship now, as you clearly value it greatly, so that you two can continue to be close.

My best to you.

Oh, I am sad to hear that this happened to you, Kim

This is what I am fearing. I already have "lost" a few good friendships, simply because my friends feel we''re on different paths. What I mean, is that DH and I can go out for dinner/drinks with other couples, etc. and it has become more difficult with those of our friends with kids. I don''t doubt that having a child changes your lifestyle, as I''ve read up on a lot of posts on here. I think I will make sure that we don''t drift apart. I think it sounds like there needs to be effort by both parties.

DH has had a couple interviews the last week, and one second interview already planned for first week in December. I hope something comes soon. He is so tired of interviewing and getting nowhere.

I am actually in the process of trying to apply for a contracting government job in addition to my PT job. It takes awhile to apply for this type of job I hear, but at least it will bring in some more income in the meantime if things don''t work out for DH with these potential employers.

So we shall see!

Oh, and in response to HMO vs. PPO: If you do go to the Dr. often with appt''s and such, having an HMO is a wise option vs. the PPO.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/16/2009 10:07:59 PM
Author: Rosebud8506

Date: 11/15/2009 11:23:57 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I would have a frank and honest conversation with her about how you feel. Be sure to tell her you''re happy for her and want to be a part of this new phase of her life and that remind her that just because you aren''t there with her doesn''t mean it''s not joyful, it''s just a bit difficult for you because you thought you''d be pregnant in a similar timeframe and that''s not how things have worked out.

When a good friend had her second child and I wasn''t yet married she decided we were too far apart in our lives to be friends anymore, it was devestating to me. After not speaking for a year I contacted her and let her know I missed her very much, even though she had hurt me; our friendship has resumed but it will never be the same as it once was. I wish she had come to me so we could have talked through her feelings rather than decided, after 7 years of friendship, that she needed to distance herself. And there are things I could have done differently too, I''m sure. My point in sharing this is that I would put some extra effort into the friendship now, as you clearly value it greatly, so that you two can continue to be close.

My best to you.

Oh, I am sad to hear that this happened to you, Kim

This is what I am fearing. I already have ''lost'' a few good friendships, simply because my friends feel we''re on different paths. What I mean, is that DH and I can go out for dinner/drinks with other couples, etc. and it has become more difficult with those of our friends with kids. I don''t doubt that having a child changes your lifestyle, as I''ve read up on a lot of posts on here. I think I will make sure that we don''t drift apart. I think it sounds like there needs to be effort by both parties.

DH has had a couple interviews the last week, and one second interview already planned for first week in December. I hope something comes soon. He is so tired of interviewing and getting nowhere.

I am actually in the process of trying to apply for a contracting government job in addition to my PT job. It takes awhile to apply for this type of job I hear, but at least it will bring in some more income in the meantime if things don''t work out for DH with these potential employers.

Rosebud, it was very hard for me as she missed a lot in my life and I in hers as a result (including my wedding and her sons'' surgery for heart issues). I''m so thankful we patched things up (I just got a card in the mail from her today that included a darling picture of her kiddos and we''re meeting up with her family -- we live 500 miles apart now-- in a few weeks to celebrate her daughter''s fifth birthday). She and her family bring such happiness to my life and I''m so glad we''ve mended fences. I hope you and your friend can talk and come to a place of understanding before it causes problems. Best of luck on the job front for both of you as well. I think as time has passed it matters less that we went through stages of our lives at different times and more that we love and support one another.

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m going to hit on the other part of the equation that hasn''t really been talked about much.

Just under one year ago my mom passed away from an 8 year battle with cancer. In less than two months I will be getting married. It has been the hardest part of planning, wishing that she was here to help me, and to see me walking down the aisle, and to JUST BE in that moment with me. She knew for months ahead of time that he was going to propose...eventually. And we both hoped he would at least do that before she passed. But it didn''t happen, and instead he proposed when he had always planned on it, in Las Vegas, two weeks and one day after she died. He regrets waiting that long, and I regret him waiting that long, but there isn''t anything we can do to fix it now--she knew it was imminent, and that was the best we could do.

So, I''m hoping for the best, that your father will recover, go into remission and live a good many years longer. But in the event that he doesn''t, I would take the time you have now to talk to him as much as you can about these dreams for children, names, all of the things you want to teach them and how you want to raise them. Milestones are something you want to share with your family, and on the off chance that they can''t be there to share the actual moments with you, at least you will have shared your hopes, dreams and wishes with them. One of my most cherished memories of my time with my mom will be her going through her wedding album with me and asking me what kind of wedding I wanted...

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/17/2009 1:52:26 AM
Author: FrekeChild
I''m going to hit on the other part of the equation that hasn''t really been talked about much.

Just under one year ago my mom passed away from an 8 year battle with cancer. In less than two months I will be getting married. It has been the hardest part of planning, wishing that she was here to help me, and to see me walking down the aisle, and to JUST BE in that moment with me. She knew for months ahead of time that he was going to propose...eventually. And we both hoped he would at least do that before she passed. But it didn''t happen, and instead he proposed when he had always planned on it, in Las Vegas, two weeks and one day after she died. He regrets waiting that long, and I regret him waiting that long, but there isn''t anything we can do to fix it now--she knew it was imminent, and that was the best we could do.

So, I''m hoping for the best, that your father will recover, go into remission and live a good many years longer. But in the event that he doesn''t, I would take the time you have now to talk to him as much as you can about these dreams for children, names, all of the things you want to teach them and how you want to raise them. Milestones are something you want to share with your family, and on the off chance that they can''t be there to share the actual moments with you, at least you will have shared your hopes, dreams and wishes with them. One of my most cherished memories of my time with my mom will be her going through her wedding album with me and asking me what kind of wedding I wanted...

Freke, that is absolutely beautiful advice.