father passed away, should I ask mom

[findarock]

My question is that I am going to surprise my gf with an engagement ring. However, here father passed away when she was 6 yrs old. My question is that her mother remarried but it was 10 yrs ago so, I even though her "Step father" is a great person, I am not sure that she calls him " dad" . so long story short should I ask the mother, the step father or even her older brother, who was like a father figure?
Appreciate your views?

 

[mrssalvo]

I''d probably see if you can get her step dad and mom together and ask them both at the same time. my parents are divorced and my hubby asked my dad and also my step dad but I''m very close to my step dad too so I thought it was very cool that he included him in the before proposal process.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''d speak to both the mother and step-father together. I think your girlfriend might not like the idea of you asking just her step-dad, but wouldn''t begrudge him being included in a conversation involving her mother as well.

I don''t think you should just ask her brother . . . that is sort of implying that her mother isn''t good enough to give a blessing because she''s a female. However, if you wanted to bring all three of them in on the loop, I''m sure they''d be excited for you.

Today there''s been a trend shying away from the idea of asking for "permission" and instead asking both parents or the whole family for a "blessing," so you may find that whomever you ask just says, "Well, it''s not up to me/us, but if you make my daughter happy, then I''m happy." But most people are still flattered to be asked. My husband did, mainly because my brother-in-law is very old-fashioned (I had to address all the teenaged boys invited to my sister''s wedding as "Master" So and So) and had set the precedent. My parents responded with the "It''s not up to us, but we''re very happy for you" that I mentioned above.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you should ask her mom and Step-father together. It's a nice idea for you to include the step-father as well.

 

[musey]

I agree with everyone else... if you really are considering her brother as an option too, why not ask all three of them together? If it were me, I would be touched that my FI had included my whole family in the process--but it is hard to know whether any other woman would feel the same way. As far as the family goes, each person you choose to ask will be incredibly touched that you valued having their blessing before moving forward (especially for the step-father and brother--who may not expect to be included).

Congratulations on finding your forever!!!

 

[diamondhunter10]

I think that it has already been said, you should talk to the mother and Step-father. My recommendation is to follow this plan and see if the older brother could possibly make it(take them out to dinner)? That would be more of judgement call depending on how much you feel the brother was a father figure in her life?

PS- I think it''s really sweet that you thinking of everyones feelings involved.
Good luck!

 

[weatherby]

ask her about it.. as long as your not goin to be asking her the question real soon.. it shouldnt hurt to ask her .. hey so am i supposed to ask your stepdad or your mom or what..

 

[findarock]

Thanks so much for feedback.
It was great to get some outside perspective. I have a couple of additional questions.
1. I am really concerned that my future mother-in-law would be flattered, but I dont know how to say this except that she has loose lips and I am REALLY concerned that she will let the cat out of the bag. I am also really concerned that if I have a fight before the engagement, her mother may let something slip, etc. I know that I maybe over analyzing but? she is a wonderful person and I love he like my own mother, but my vision is for her to be completely surprised.
2. Phoenixgirl- I am not sure I follow why you had to address your teenage step children as Master?
3. I am a little concerned about asking her indirectly since I dont want her to be suspicious, we have pretty agreed that we would get engaged but I think this line of questioning will set off a red flag.
4. If I can find a way to be assured about questions number 1 then I would take all 3 out to eat to ask them?
Thanks again to everyone, Much Appreciated!

 

[findarock]

I appreciate all the feedback, I have a couple more concerns, I know it is me being paranoid but any help/thoughts would be GREATLY appreciated:
It was great to get some outside perspective. I have a couple of additional questions.
1. I am really concerned that my future mother-in-law would be flattered, but I dont know how to say this except that she has loose lips and I am REALLY concerned that she will let the cat out of the bag. I am also really concerned that if I have a fight before the engagement, her mother may let something slip, etc. I know that I maybe over analyzing but? she is a wonderful person and I love he like my own mother, but my vision is for her to be completely surprised.
2. Phoenixgirl- I am not sure I follow why you had to address your teenage step children as Master?
3. I am a little concerned about asking her indirectly since I dont want her to be suspicious, we have pretty agreed that we would get engaged but I think this line of questioning will set off a red flag.
4. If I can find a way to be assured about questions number 1 then I would take all 3 out to eat to ask them?
Thanks again to everyone, Much Appreciated!

 

[findarock]

any other feedback on my questions below?
wrote:
Thanks so much for feedback.
It was great to get some outside perspective. I have a couple of additional questions.
1. I am really concerned that my future mother-in-law would be flattered, but I dont know how to say this except that she has loose lips and I am REALLY concerned that she will let the cat out of the bag. I am also really concerned that if I have a fight before the engagement, her mother may let something slip, etc. I know that I maybe over analyzing but? she is a wonderful person and I love he like my own mother, but my vision is for her to be completely surprised.
2. Phoenixgirl- I am not sure I follow why you had to address your teenage step children as Master?
3. I am a little concerned about asking her indirectly since I dont want her to be suspicious, we have pretty agreed that we would get engaged but I think this line of questioning will set off a red flag.
4. If I can find a way to be assured about questions number 1 then I would take all 3 out to eat to ask them?
Thanks again to everyone, Much Appreciated!

 

[diamondhunter10]

findarock, take a deep breath,
1. If you are concerned then just ask your future mother inlaw a few days before the you are going to do it.
2. talk with your and her friends if you feel comfortable, but I am confident that if you talk with the mother, she will not let the cat out of the bag, this is too important.
Let us know what you decide

 

[ky6]

I agree with the above post- if you are concerned about FMIL letting the cat out of the bag, wait to do it until right before. Also, you may stress in your conversation with them how excited you are to be able to surprise fiancee and sure hope she doesn''t catch on that it is coming.

 

[KimberlyH]

Why would you have a fight right before your engagement?

Anyways, if you are older and supporting yourselves, I don't think you should feel obligated to ask or inform your future MIL and FIL that you are going to propose. My husband told my dad because he's aware that my dad is an old-fashioed kinda guy, but it is by no means necessary, especially if you think she'll spill the beans!