Family heirlooms…given to daughter or to son?

[Shoopy]

My mom and I had this conversation today and wanted to get your thoughts.

My mom and dad married at 24/23 respectively. When my dad was 33, he was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and he passed away at 36. My mom wore her wedding set for a short while after his death but then decided to take it off and store it. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with it. She doesn’t want to sell it but keeping it as her ring is too painful. So she came up with the idea of giving it to my brother so that he can propose to his future wife with it (mind you, he’s only 18 so it won’t be for a while…I hope

).

So I jokingly said “well that’s messed up…you should have given it to me!” And her response was “I’m not going to give YOU a diamond so that someone can propose to you! Let him get his own diamond!”

Now, my mother''s ring isn''t really an heirloom but it got me thinking. On one hand, I can see the benefit of giving it to your daughter so that it stays within the family. But then it doesn’t seem fair that all her guy has to do is purchase a setting. I can also see the benefit of giving it to your son so that he proposes with a ring from the family…but then it doesn’t really stay within your family (this of course is a technicality because the new wife IS part of your family).

Anway, what are your thoughts/experiences with this? If you had a family heirloom that was meant for engagement, would you rather give it to your son or daughter? Or would you give it to the first born or some other criteria?? I think I’m siding more with giving it to a son. I would find it weird if my daughter’s future husband came to me and said “I want to marry your daughter” and I say “great, here’s the diamond.”

 

[jessfitz75]

I met someone whose fiance'' proposed using his mother''s ring and while she appreciated the sentimentality that the ring has, at the end of the day, she didn''t like the style of the ring. So I wouldn''t rule out giving it to a daughter if she liked it. The fiance'' of another friend of mine was given her mother''s diamond and then set it with four additional stones so it was a combination of her mom and what he added which for her was the perfect combination.

Personally I would love to incorporate my mother''s stone into my ring. Unfortunately, her ring was stolen some time ago and she never replaced it.

 

[Independent Gal]

It''s totally up to your mother whom she wants to give her rings to, but hopefully your brother will take the caveat that re-setting the diamond is an option, in case the ring isn''t his girl''s style!

My mother has said that her big honker will come to me someday (hopefully not for many, many, many decades... she''s having open chest surgery on Monday, so I''m hoping EXTRA hard). But the smaller diamond she has from her mother in law will go to my middle brother to propose with. The smaller one is a lovely stone. Much more beautiful than the big one, which I would probably have re-cut.

It just depends.

Why not ask your mother if you can have the band, since your brother is getting the diamond? That would be a nice thing to have. Maybe you can wear it as your wedding band, or an RHR.

 

[francesfarmer]

I posed a similar question about halfway down this thread:
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/help-which-large-rb-would-you-pick-which-is-cut-better.84011/page-2

because someone I know was proposed to with a stone from one of HER family members. There was a negative reaction to that in our social circle (people mainly thought the girl was shortchanged since she would have been able to wear that stone anyway, and the guy got off too easy because he didn''t have to buy a diamond)

I think it''s a really personal decision, but I do think your mother has a point.

 

[Shoopy]

I''m not interested in my mom''s ring. She and I were never close when I was growing up. I was a daddy''s girl and when he passed away, I kind of went into a hole and so did she. It wasn''t until I moved out for college when she and I grew extremely close. That being said, I never saw her ring as her wedding ring...just a pretty ring. I know that''s weird but I can''t explaing it. It doesn''t have any sentimental value to me is the closest I can come to explaining. Now my dad''s ring...thats a different story. I would have loved for my boyfriend to wear his ring...problem is my dad was 180...my boyfriend is 240. I don''t even think it''ll fit his pinky LOL. My mom suggested giving that ring to my brother as well and I''m secretly hoping she does''t. I want that ring, even if I wear it as a necklace.

I guess it all comes down to whomever is giving the heirloom away.

IG...I wish you and your mom all the best. Everything will be fine.

 

[Anna0499]

My mom has already told all 5 of my brothers and sisters and I (and included it explicitly in her will) that the daughters will be given ALL of my mother''s jewelry (rings, earrings, etc.) and the sons will be given my dad''s jewelry items (Rolex watches, etc.) and his collector pieces (guns). My mom simply wants the jewelry she wore to be worn by her daughters. Although my sisters-in-law will be "family," it is not the same in her opinion and I agree. She was particularly motivated to put her wishes in her will ASAP when her own mother passed away from cancer and her father gave her brothers her mother''s jewelry, who in turn, gave them to their wives. It really hurt my mother, who never had a stellar relationship with her father anyway, that the jewelry her mother wore was given to in-laws who didn''t really understand the sentimental value of the pieces. It is ultimately up to the parents to decide who gets what and why, but this is what my family is doing. I personally would not feel right if my SO proposed to me with his mother''s diamonds IF he had sisters whom I think would have appreciated the diamond much more than I would. I would recognize the sentimental value in it because it was his mother''s, but I don''t think I would ever appreciate as fully as his own sisters would.

 

[purrfectpear]

Ha !

I knew there was a silver lining in being an only child

 

[LaraOnline]

Is the diamond a ''specially nice diamond, that any girl would love to have...or is mum simply looking to save her boy a buck?

Is mum going to be upset if the daughter in law wants to remodel the ring to suit her own style? Will the ring always be referred to as ''Mum''s ring''?

Is the mum giving the d-i-l the ring with a true spirit of giving...or will she want that diamond back, if the d-i-l does not toe the line?

It seems unfair for a girl to have to carry the weight of expectation in a ring she has to wear every day of her life!

Unless it''s a really special diamond, and a really special daughter in law, Mum should set the diamond in a pendant, and enjoy it for herself. Because, it''s actually HER diamond.

 

[WTNLVR]

I have 2 thoughts on this. My MIL told me that she was leaving her rings to her daughter (I''m married to the oldest son). She told me almost apologetically. I just told her no problem. They are really small rings and that is fine. Mind you, her daughter can''t wear any jewelry due to allergies and she has no daughters. She knows I love jewelry. But again, this woman has 3 stones missing from her set for 5 years and has no interest in getting them fixed. Total carat weight might be about 1/2 carat. So no big deal. I remember in the old days that the oldest son got the rings, but seems like in the US the daughters get the jewels. I know for myself, I have specifically willed who will get my collection based on who would appreciate them the most and who I like. I don''t have kids. I personnally would not want to be a Jennifer Love -Hewitt and get a ring I didn''t like because it was an heirloom. At the very least I would like the option of a reset. In the end it is the mothers choice who gets the rings. Most give them to the daughters so they can be passed down thru generations. But in this age with lots of couples having no kids or lots of divorces, that muddies the waters so to speak-LOL.

 

[Bliss]

If God blesses us with a boy and a girl one day when we''re married, I will definitely leave my jewelry to my daughter. I would want her to wear them and remember how much I loved her. Plus, it would ensure that the jewelry would always stay in the family. God forbid a couple gets divorced and the daughter-in-law later hocks the family jewelry down the road. I''ve heard of this happening and it is very, very sad for the family members who are attached to all the memories.

 

[Rhea]

I think things should be split evenly or given to whoever likes them the most.

I don''t understand not giving the female child the engagement ring since then it would be the parent''s flesh and blood wearing it rather than someone who is related by marriage. But the engagement ring is the only item I think this way about.

I have a strong interest in jewellery and my sister doesn''t. There are a couple of pieces of my mother''s that I''d like to have one day, like this amazing pocket watch. My sister has a slight obsession with the china. To me, it makes sense to go with whoever loves whatever the item is more or would get more use from it regardless of gender.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 7/5/2008 8:35:34 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Ha !


I knew there was a silver lining in being an only child

Teeehee! I''m one of, like, 650 kids, so whadaya gonna do. At least I''m my biological mother''s only daughter.

 

[Independent Gal]

It''s funny actually, whenever I buy bling, I always imagine passing it along someday to my future child, as she marks milestones in her own life, which makes it full of meaning to buy sparkly things. I only just realized that, now that I''m actually expecting a child, I''m kind of hoping it''s a girl, and that I would rather give my bling to a daughter than to a daughter in law.

So, for me, I''d give it to my daughter. But maybe not an engagement ring. But all the other stuff. An engagement diamond I''d probably give to a son to give to his future bride. I mean, if I could stand to part with it.

 

[diamondfan]

I hate to say this as I only have boys, but I would want to be very sure about my potential daughter in law before giving her something like that. A daughter is always your daughter, a son can get divorced and you might not get the heirloom or special piece back.

Granddaughters are another animal altogether. I would love to have granddaughters someday to give my things to.

I am so sorry about your dad, he was WAY too young.

 

[Lauren8211]

This is actually my exact situation. My mom has a 2.5 Ct RB that my BF is actually asking her for this weekend that will be my engagement ring. Right now, it''s in a yellow gold setting, and my BF is replacing it with platinum.

I don''t really think there should any "stigma" associated with this. Buying your future wife a ring is not a rite of passage. I''d be happy without a ring, but this ring has a lot of sentimental value to me because I loved it ever since I was a little girl. I couldn''t wait to grow up and find a man to marry and get to wear that beautiful diamond.

Anyone who says the guy is getting off easy is just being ridiculous. I don''t want my man to "struggle" to have to marry me. If I get my ring I''ve dreamed of since I was a little girl, and we both get to have more money to put towards our future house, then everyone seems to win.

I think judgments from other people should be the LAST reason to make a decision. I can''t wait to have my heirloom ring, and my mom can''t wait to give it to me.

 

[krisvrn]

My 2cents, give to own daughter.. that person is a blood relative....unfortunately if given to a son and he proposes w/that ring and a divorce occurs, the ring may remain with x-wife....

 

[gwendolyn]

Since it's a gift, I think it's right for the person to pass an item on to whomever they wish: male, female, family by blood, marriage, or maybe someone who's not even family at all*, if they'd appreciate it more than the people who feel a 'right' to it.

*Clearly this would negate the 'family' part of the heirloom bit, but I think in some situations this might be preferable.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

My mom gave my brother my grandmother''s wedding band for my sister in law to wear. I was hurt because I loved the band and was extremely close to my grandmother. I love my sister in law, but I don''t know if she appreciates it as much as I would have (however, she could LOVE it and just not express it). I know my brother was very touched by the gesture and customized her engagement ring to match it perfectly.

I know there will be other pieces that my mom will give to me in the future, it just hurt a little bit to know that I would never have my grandma''s wedding band. When I kind of mentioned it to my mom one time, she said that she just figured my SO would get me my own ring on his own or have one passed down from his side of the family. She said she thought it would be awkward for me to give my SO the band for him to give back me, which I guess I understand too. Everything works out for a reason and I''m glad that I love my sister in law and hope she appreciates not only the ring, but the sentiment behind it.

I guess when its my turn to pass down my jewelery I''ll give it to whomever it seems natural at the time, but I would prefer to give them to my daughter one day! Who knows what will happen!

 

[jcarlylew]

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So I jokingly said “well that’s messed up…you should have given it to me!” And her response was “I’m not going to give YOU a diamond so that someone can propose to you! Let him get his own diamond!”

Now, my mother''s ring isn''t really an heirloom but it got me thinking. On one hand, I can see the benefit of giving it to your daughter so that it stays within the family. But then it doesn’t seem fair that all her guy has to do is purchase a setting. I can also see the benefit of giving it to your son so that he proposes with a ring from the family…but then it doesn’t really stay within your family (this of course is a technicality because the new wife IS part of your family).

Anway, what are your thoughts/experiences with this? If you had a family heirloom that was meant for engagement, would you rather give it to your son or daughter? Or would you give it to the first born or some other criteria?? I think I’m siding more with giving it to a son. I would find it weird if my daughter’s future husband came to me and said “I want to marry your daughter” and I say “great, here’s the diamond.”

Holy cow its the same thing i am going through! so, pre warning - sorry if i sound heated or i offened someone, i am just -->
My aunt just recently gave me my grandma''s wedding set. At the same time, my BF and i have been looking at rings. I have ALWAYS been the type to value sentiments rather than (how to say...) the purchase? the rings that i have been looking at were VERY very enexpensive, but i liked each one because they reminded me of something that my BF and i had shared (such as a small rope ring from david yurman - we went to the BVI last year and i love rope designs).

So imagine my excitment to get this set! Of course i wanted to make sure BF was okay with using it (dont want to take away his "man hood") first, which he is (in fact we might get a different wband). But my mom had the SAME reaction yours did. while yes, in tradtional terms the man provides for the woman (blah blah), she also felt that any ring under 1 ct was to small. mind you, we didnt grow up rich, and her ring isnt above a 1 ct. but those were her standards.

so here is my opinions

keeping it in the family - what is the conversation went like this?
bf to parents "I would like to marry your daughter"
parents to bf "wonderful! we would like you to have this diamond/ring to use, now that you are apart of our family"
OR - what if there was no Son, or grandson. then what?
Men buying the ring -
in the same respect of giving it to the son, WHY shouldnt he buy a ring for his GF then? i mean, same standards, right?

Personally, i dont see it as "the guy just has to purchase a setting". I mean, maybe if they knew all along that they''d be getting a free ring, well thats one thing. Now adays couples are picking out rings together, buying rings together, etc.

so, there are my 15 cents. i think its all a matter of opinon (of course!) but i dont think that it should derail someone from using an heirloom, or not use it!

ps- we are totally using my heirloom. i told my mom while i respect her opinions and will take them into consideration, this is the ring that WE like, and WE want to use it. If Bf feels that he needs to "man up", there is always the wedding band, AND i could always use a right hand ring

. I love my mom, but i dont need approval from anyone except my bf, regarding how we chose our rings.


ps- Independant Gal - I hope your mothers surgery went OK!
Indy Girl - the same thing happend to my dad when his mother passed away. Though he wasnt sure on how he would have used the jewelry, he was sad that he never had anything to remember his mother by. Now the ring i have is from his dad''s second wife (later in life) so i like to think of it as partly from my dad too!
Elledizzy- I agree 100% i dont think my bf should go into more debt for a ring. thats what a house and kids are for!!

hope i didnt contradict myself....

 

[jcarlylew]

forgot to say - i am going to have to agree that the heirloom pieces should be given to those who would value it the most. so while i may value my mom''s and dad''s jewelry, my sister values the crusset kitchen more (she''s a chef).

It is all in a matter of opinion

 

[TravelingGal]

I''ll give my e-ring to my daughter...when I''m ready to leave this earth! So hopefully by then she''ll have her own e-ring and can use mine to make a RHR she likes!

 

[Shoopy]

I think all in all it would be a hard choice. To be honest, when she first mentioned it almost simultaneously we said "as long as it doesn''t go to his current girlfriend." Not that we have anything against her, she''s just "not the one." Granted my little brother (and yes that''s what I call him even though he''s 6''2) is IN LOVE but I just really don''t like the girl (LOL

)

I think everyone has good points:

1. To a daughter is probably more ideal because it stays with the family even in the event of a divorce
2. If you do give to son, be ready to part with it for good
3. It''s up to the person giving the "gift" to decide.

In my own personal case, I''m fine without it. She gave me her hips and those hips got me my guy

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/8/2008 6:26:08 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I think all in all it would be a hard choice. To be honest, when she first mentioned it almost simultaneously we said ''as long as it doesn''t go to his current girlfriend.'' Not that we have anything against her, she''s just ''not the one.'' Granted my little brother (and yes that''s what I call him even though he''s 6''2) is IN LOVE but I just really don''t like the girl (LOL

)

I think everyone has good points:

1. To a daughter is probably more ideal because it stays with the family even in the event of a divorce
2. If you do give to son, be ready to part with it for good
3. It''s up to the person giving the ''gift'' to decide.

In my own personal case, I''m fine without it. She gave me her hips and those hips got me my guy

and

That cracks me up. I say the same thing about my dad''s side of the family.


HA! Still laughing. thank god i have a closed door office!!!!!!