Family Dinner-Oh the planning of interfaith weddings

[mayachel]

We hosted a dinner this weekend for my parents and his parents to officially come together and discuss the wedding. They''ve all met once or twice, but not together as DF''s parent''s are divorced. Luckily when it comes to their children they are amicable. Meanwhile, we have a breakdown of faiths that goes like this...
DF raised Jewish, mother is very involved, father is agnostic.
Me, raised Episcopalian, practicing pagan for 12+ years, mother general christian though leans towards Episcopalian now, father Catholic....

So everyone is already up to speed on how we are having our ceremony outdoors on the grounds of the reception. A dear friend who is also pagan will be officiating (I officiated her wedding, so it is extra special for me). DF''s mother is going to sing in hebrew part of Song of Solomon, a non-religious bit of poetry that comes from the old testament (I am my beloved and my beloved is mine comes from this). Makes her happy, makes DF happy, and in turn makes me happy. We will have a Chuppah, a handfasting, blessing, ring exchange, some readings, drink some wine, stomp on the glass, jump the broom.

Meanwhile, my parents are feeling sooooo left out. Only, I can''t get them to talk about it. All I''ve gotten so far is, my mother doesn''t want to do a reading(it was offered that she could do the English translation of the song of solomon). She had initially told me months ago that she was interested in lighting a unity candle, now she says that was just something she suggested but isn''t from her particular faith.

I tried to point out that the ring ceremony and circles etc are culturally norm for my parents, they responded that it was for Jewish weddings too and so it didn''t "count" in the tally. They feel (what feels like all of a sudden) that the only thing that would be inclusive for them is having a "church wedding" which seems to mean literally housing the ceremony in a church (as obviously that doesn''t mean one thing to all practicing Christians even between my parents). We are NOT having a church wedding. Not appropriate for DF and I, nor desired. AND not news...

Where do we go from here? Does anyone have suggestions on what I can suggest to them that may make them see the similarities vs. the differences?

 

[purrfectpear]

Can your pagan officiant do some sort of wine communion (sans the blood and body of Christ bit)?

 

[oddoneout]

I have no suggestions but I think it's great you're incorporating a lot of different things to have everyone involved.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I believe the lighting of unity candles is Catholic, and I thought your dad was Catholic?

Is there a song she would like to sing? Or if she doesn't like to sing, maybe play her favorite traditional instrumental hymn at some point in the ceremony? There are some beautiful hymn arrangements, usually for organ/piano, but many are transcribed for everything from violin etc, so maybe you have a friend that could play one?

I think it's hard to find something if she just identifies as "generally Christian" other than readings.

If she can't think of a religious tradition that she thinks is unique enough to her religion, maybe just a family wedding tradition that's unique to her family? Or maybe an ethnic tradition she relates to. It sounds like she just wants to incorporate something that specifically represents her side of the equation that isn't "shared", so maybe that doesn't have to be strictly religious? My parents incorporated asian traditions rather than religious ones to represent them.

ETA: just from a practical point of view, I personally don't know of many traditional christian churches that would allow the rest of your ceremony aspects such as having your pagan friend officiate in their church..

 

[Parsley]

I''m not sure a communion would go down so well...I was raised Catholic, and it''s the most important part of the mass, the most sacred. Pretending to do it...I just can''t imagine it going down well!

Have you suggested a specifically New Testament reading? That may be more likely to please? I read this at my sister''s wedding, and I love it. It''s not particularly religious either. When I read it, I get a feeling that it''s saying no matter your faith...it''s nothing without love. I know this may be a bit of a cliché for a wedding reading, but it may be something to consider!

Corinthians 13:1-13

A Reading from the First Letter of Paul to the Corinthians

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
This is the Word of the Lord



I hope that''s something to consider. I''ve got to say I LOVE how you''re bringing all the elements of your family together, it''s just so lovely!!

 

[missrachelk]

I think you''re doing a great job to respect and represent all of the traditions you and DF come from as well as your own beliefs.

But at the end of the day your wedding doesn''t have one thing to do with what religion your mother practices. It''s about the union between you and your DF.

I think you shouldn''t have to and shouldn''t in general add or change anything to make one parent more comfortable. If you do want to reach out to try to make her feel more included I would ask her if there''s anything she wants to contribute to the wedding you have planned (like give a reading). Remind her that your plans are made and that a church wedding is out of the question and further that a church wedding chooses one belief over another and you''re going for inclusiveness.


I also think it''s likely that some gowing pains are showing themselves - your family is feeliing (and maybe or maybe not realizing) that changes are taking place, changes that are moving you away from them and their traditions and towards the new family that you and DF will create. Lots of parents feel the need to assert ''their'' traditions to make themselves feel like they''re not losing their child. I would remind your mom that you''ll always be her daughter and that you respect her traditions, but tha your wedding is about YOU and DF.

There''s a section in "Emotionally Engaged" that deals with family issues - I went through something similar with DH''s sister while we were engaged when she had to realize that she was no longer his go-to person for certain things, that I was. Chnges take time to get used to and wedding are so highly charged with emotions and are such major life changing events, its natural for people to come out with things that seem odd.


good luck!!

 

[Clairitek]

How wonderful of you to make an effort please everyone. I don''t have any great advice on how to make your mother more comfortable with the ceremony as I did not have to deal with this problem myself. One thing to think about though- I bet the fact that the ceremony doesn''t directly incorporate her religion will be the furthest thing from her mind when she gets to watch you get married. I bet she will be so wrapped up in everything and the emotion of the day that she won''t give it a second thought. Does this sound like your mother? Or do you think this will be a recurring thing for her to bring up years after your wedding?

 

[mayachel]

oddoneout: Thank you for your support!

purrfectpear: I think I know what you meant, less communion as in sacrament, more as in sharing a communal cup of wine?

parsley: I like your suggestion of trying to find something specifically from the new testament.

MakingTheGrade: Hmm, a hymn could work. Especially since by making it instrumental we are likely to please those who know the lyrics, and not offend those who don''t. And your absolutely right, I don''t know any churches likely to rent the place out for a Pagan/Jewish wedding either, and can''t say I blame them.

 

[mayachel]

missrachelk: Thanks! I appreciate your reflection. It is how we (DF and I) feel. That the ceremony is actually very significant and important to us. He and I are aware that we want it to be reflective of our unique relationship, spiritually. I''m reading Emotionally Engaged too, and finding it more useful than I had first imagined I would.

It occurs to me, that as we are planning on raising future children with the Jewish milestones, that my wedding is really the last main event for my parents in relation to common religious cultural norms (and, of course it IS different than theirs was.)

 

[mayachel]

Clairitek: This is all for now, at least I think and hope so. I DO think that my parents are open minded enough that once the day arrives, and the ceremony unfolds they will be happy with it. But a small part of me is very worried that I''m being overly optimistic, or my expectations of my parents is higher than reality.

I''ve grown up in generally liberal home and community. Which makes their concerns seem all the more sudden and unexpected.

 

[HopeDream]

Could your mom invite all attending to do a passing of the peace?

My dad's Anglican (canadian equivalent of episcopalian?) and they do that at his church.

All attending would get up, and shake hands (or hug) other people around, with the initiator Saying "Peace be with you" and the other person responding "and also with you". (the Official words a minister would say are: "The peace of the lord be always with you" and the congregation would respond with "and also with you"


Another feature of Anglican weddings (at least in my area) is the call on all those attending to support the bride and groom in their marriage:

the celebrant asks the congregation:

Families and friends, You are witnesses to these vows. Will you do everything in your power to uphold (Groom) and (Bride) in their marriage?

Everyone: We Will

Maybe your mom could do that?

My best friend had an anglican ceremony with a handfasting at the end for her pagan husband - it was lovely.

Maybe she could have an item symbolic to her faith on your altar? not a cross, but something christian like a fish, candle, or some holy water, something that represents the presence of god without overwhelming the rest of your ceremony.

 

[mayachel]

Hopedream: Thanks for the suggestions. These are actually great, as we were planning on doing something like this anyway, only if I present them from this angle I''m sure it will placate.