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Family dilemma, advice please

kenny

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Apr 30, 2005
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I only wear clothes made of 100% natural stuff like cotton, wool or linen, no synthetics like polyester, nylon, spandex, rayon, etc.

My SO's mom is a sweetheart, but she surprises me (and all of her family) by buying me clothes, often made with synthetics.
I won't wear them but don't want offend her, or appear ungrateful, by giving them back to her.

What to do?
 
Have your SO talk to his mom and gently tell her that she should be using her money in productive ways, like donate to a charity on your behalf instead of buying clothes for you. I would have him slip in the fact that you only wear 100% natural fibers.
 
Yes I agree. Have your SO gently explain to his mom that you greatly appreciate her generosity but only wear natural fibers. It is extremely nice of her and she would probably appreciate the honesty and then if she wants to she can buy you something you can wear and enjoy.
 
I would let her know (or have him let her know). If you think she might be offended and it's not worth the strife you can always throw in that it just really irritates your skin.
 
Asscherhalo_lover said:
I would let her know (or have him let her know). If you think she might be offended and it's not worth the strife you can always throw in that it just really irritates your skin.
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The bolded. Even if it's not 100% true, it will help her feel that you aren't outright rejecting her gifts, but just cannot wear them due to sensitivities to the materials.
 
I'm on team "have your SO tell her gently." Ask him to emphasize that you think it's so thoughtful and kind of her, and you're embarrassed to tell her yourself because you don't want her to think that you're ungrateful.
 
That's really lovelly she is giving you presents
But oh dear its a hard one to not be hurting her feelings
And its a waste of her money :(2
Clothes are way too hard to buy for anyone except preschoolers and even they have fashion opinions these days
Id go down the allergy route

I can't wear wool - i have to wear acrylic, my Dad was the same
I once went to a crochet class to learn how to read a pattern and the older ladies really looked down their noses at my acrylic but the choices are pnumonia/ hypothermia or itchy sore flakey ugly skin :lol:

(Im not sure id class rayon as a true synthetic as its made from cellulose fibre)

You know i bet the writing on the label is too smell for her to read anyway

Anyway best of luck
 
I agree with having your SO gently explain this to her. Maybe he could suggest that she buy you a gift card instead for a favorite place or vendor of yours. I would not want to waste my money on something you would not wear and conversely, would rather gift you with something that you might really want or need. Clothing is such a personal thing and unless you know exactly what someone would want or wear, it is probably best to try another avenue of gifting. I appreciate the fact that you don't want to hurt her feelings but I would rather her know than have you stuff something in a dresser drawer or find a charity to donate it to.
 
Thank you all very much for the good feedback.
It helps me put this in perspective.

Now, there are 6 items containing synthetics that she gave me which I have not even opened.
Frankly, they are underwear, men's briefs. No joke.

Shall I give them to my SO to return to his mom for exchange, or just give them to charity?
Giving them back and expecting her to exchange them seems sooooo rude and tacky.
 
kenny said:
Thank you all very much for the feedback.
It helps me put this in perspective.

Now, there are 6 items containing synthetics that she gave me which I have not even opened.
Frankly, they are underwear, men's briefs. No joke.

Shall I give them to my SO to return to his mom for exchange, or just give them to charity?
Giving them back and expecting her to exchange them seems sooooo rude and tacky.
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It is my understanding that underwear cannot be exchanged or returned......
 
kenny said:
Thank you all very much for the good feedback.
It helps me put this in perspective.

Now, there are 6 items containing synthetics that she gave me which I have not even opened.
Frankly, they are underwear, men's briefs. No joke.

Shall I give them to my SO to return to his mom for exchange, or just give them to charity?
Giving them back and expecting her to exchange them seems sooooo rude and tacky.
Click to expand...


No, I would probably just donate those and hope he has a talk with her before the next holiday - ha!
 
canuk-gal said:
It is my understanding that underwear cannot be exchanged or returned......
Click to expand...

Even if the sealed packages have never been opened?
If so, that make this even more awkward.
 
MissGotRocks said:
No, I would probably just donate those and hope he has a talk with her before the next holiday - ha!
Click to expand...

Thanks MGR, but she does this throughout the year.

She was kind enough to respect my request for no holiday gifts, and not insist I join them for T-Day or Xmas events as I do not observe any holidays.
 
Giggle giggle, sorry kenny this tickles me. Your SO’s sweet mom buys you underwear, love it!
 
Definetely charity or garbage .
Don't t tell anything: you might seem both ungrateful and snobbish.
Accept her gifts and feel free not to use them.
My MIL buys me useless awful gifts, I tried to gently tell her not to waste money but I got her upset for a while, then she started again with her gifts...funny that she feels the same about her MIL' s gifts.
 
kenny said:
Thanks MGR, but she does this throughout the year.

She was kind enough to respect my request for no holiday gifts, and not insist I join them for T-Day or Xmas events as I do not observe any holidays.
Click to expand...

Let's hope then she will be kind enough to respect your wishes regarding gifts. She sounds like a lovely person so hopefully it won't be a big issue. I honestly couldn't bring myself to buy a grown man some underwear but clearly she thinks she is being helpful or thoughtful. Guess the time for the talk is now - Valentine's Day is coming!!
 
No need to return the underwear to her. Hopefully I am correct in assuming she's never going to see you wearing them. This means you can safely donate them to Goodwill, a shelter near you, etc. and she'll never know. Other items like shirts and pants are trickier.

I like the advice of nearly everyone else: have your SO gently tell her that you love her thoughtfulness. However you only wear natural fibers so while you enjoy the sentiment behind them, you aren't able to enjoy the items themselves. If she continues to give the same gifts after he chats with her, then you let it go and simply donate her clothes. You wouldn't be lying per se she ever follows up and you say they have gone to good use.
 
PS - I am incredibly sensitive to the fibers in clothing. I don't often receive clothes, but more often than not I cannot wear them when I do. I dismiss my feelings of regret and send them on their way. No one has followed up. As my kids have grown older, they too have had to 'reject' gifts of clothing because it's just not their style or comfortable.

We donate everything we are gifted that we cannot or will not use (or return it ourselves if we have a gift receipt or the store offers store credit without a receipt). I would never give it back to the gift giver. I once gave my BIL & SIL a gift that they had said they wanted/needed, only to have them hand it back to me at the end of the event. They said they already had one (?) and didn't need it. Um, no. I have already spent the time and effort to pick it out, buy it, wrap it, and give it to you. While there wasn't as much thought as a gift I thought of entirely myself, it's still an offering that was intended with love and care. It felt like a slap in the face, and I resented that they expected me to spend more time on the inconvenience of returning it. (Hello, this is why gift receipts were invented.)
 
I agree with those who suggested accepting the gifts with thanks, then donating them or regifting them or trashing them.

The fact that you prefer wearing natural fibers and she is giving you synthetic-blend clothing doesn't really matter -- many people receive gifts that are deemed unusable by the recipient (the "reason" is irrelevant) -- what is going on here is that she wants to give you a present and she is giving you her choice of a present, and you are receiving the present and (ideally) saying thank you in return. Now the item is yours to do with as you will.

Telling her (or having SO tell her) your present preferences (ie, fabric requirements) is inappropriate IMHO: if she wanted to know what would be useful to you or what you would like, she would have asked.

Gift giving (and gift receiving) more often than not has nothing to do with the actual gift.

YMMV
 
HI:

If they are new in packages you can donate them to a men's shelter.

cheers--Sharon
 
Too bad she isnt including gift receipts.

I would have your SO tell her that you appreciate the clothes, but you have a full wardrobe. When you NEED something, you will let them know.

Otherwise, your favorite gifts are donations to charity in your name, or... fill in the blank stuff...
 
Give them to an organization who could use them.
 
I struggled with this a bit.. it's a shame she's spending her hard earned money on gifts you won't use. But that's the nature of gift-giving. There are many times people don't use gifts they receive. She might feel embarrassed and hurt if someone tells her the gifts aren't appropriate. If it was me I would just accept the gifts and donate them. She sounds so sweet and I wouldn't want to run the risk of hurting her.
 
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I feel that honesty is best and in this case it's possible to deliver the message in a way that won't hurt her feelings. Maybe the two of you can sit down and talk about it. She sounds sweet and generous.
 
The only reason I can think of that someone would buy a functioning adult basic underwear as a gift is because they are one of those people who can't resist taking advantage of a bargain. It's not like she saw something that she felt you would enjoy or benefit from and thoughtfully got you a gift. It's more like she entertains herself by shopping and if she sees a good deal on something, rationalizes the purchase by having someone to give it to. I know a lot of people who do the shopping-as-hobby thing and have been the recipient of so many things I have no use for because the person who bought it also had no use for it either but couldn't help themselves.

So, I don't think the gift giving is about doing something for you as much as it is fulfilling her hobby. I would say thank you and donate it to charity. It's not like she's going to see you in your underwear and wonder why you're not wearing the ones she gave you.
 
Hi,

I like this lady too. If it were just underwear, I would let it go, but its other clothes as well. I did have something like this occur to me. A nice woman I know bought me slacks(nice trousers) for Christmas one year. Now I knew I would never wear them and she would be looking for me to wear them. The thought of that stress was too much for me. I told her softly, that because of certain disabiites of mine, I would never wear them, so could she bring them back to the store. Of course she said fine, and was not put off at all. She did not buy anything in its place and I understand that good manners does not require her to do so. I was relieved.

Annette
 
Give them to charity and get your SO to gently tell her that any clothing or underwear she buys in future has to be 100% cotton or natural fibres no synthetics. My mother has done the same thing, given me underwear a blend, so mostly cotton but with a small amount of something that makes it stretchy and my son clothing that is a blend and we don't wear it or give it back (don't want to offend her). I donated it all to charity and I asked her to stop buying it.
 
It sounds like she wants celebrations, family time, and to show her appreciation of you in her son's life through these gifts. Are there other ways to suggest that she can do that? I'd brainstorm with your SO and offer those instead. Be honest about the natural/synthetic fibers. But I would venture a guess that you don't want clothing items from her, period. I'm assuming she invited you to Thanksgiving and Christmas, but you didn't go because you don't celebrate. All totally fine and individual to you! But people vary, as they say! ;)2 Do you both visit with her aside from holiday time (that I'm presuming is when her son goes back "solo")? Is she local?

The men's brief gift did make me chuckle!
 
I would tell her before she buys you something. I would tell that you find that your skin seems to be getting irritated with different things..and you going to wear natural fabrics. Ask her to go shopping with you so she can help you find some. She sounds sweet!
 
Oh my, underwear? How does she know your size?? Lol! Can your SO or other family members wear them? I'll probably just give it away or donate it or use it as a rag? Although the last might be a bit weird with underwear. Is she the type to get offended if you make any suggestions re: gifting? My husband's family have this belief that gifts are given and suggestions/criticisms are rude. And you never, ever give gifts back. For many years my mother in law would gift me with size L or XL men's shirts or sweaters (I am 5 ft and about 90 lbs at the time). I brought it up to my husband and he said we can't say anything about it. So when his family visit, I would roll up the sweaters and wear the shirts lol. One year she asked my husband why I was wearing his clothes! So perhaps those weren't for me? But she doesn't speak English and I don't speak French and this has been going on for over 18 years so...

Anyway, that's sweet of her to think of you but I understand how stressful it is to receive something you don't want. Thankfully it's underwear and she won't ever know if you ever use it. Maybe you can regift it to family/friends if it's not too awkward.
 
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