Family dilema (vent)

[sleeping beauty]

Hi Ladies

I desperately need your help/opinion on this mess of a situation. To make a very long story short i''ll cut straight to the point and if you need more info just ask away....

Well, my parents are getting a divorce after a long time of being separated and somewhat still trying to fix things up but things just didnt work.my dad is a complete donkey''s behind. my mom retired and lives back in our country while i live in her house here in the states with my b/f, my dad, and my 18year old brother. Here''s my dilemma. my mom wants my dad to move out of her house (being where i live now) while i have always wanted this more than anything in the world, now i dont know if i really want that.. why you ask??? well my 18 yr old brother who has the mentality of a nine year old will continue to leave with my b/f and I. which means that i''ll have sole responsibility of him. I guess this may sound a little selfish but this means that i can no longer go away on weekend trips cause i cant and wont leave my brother in the house alone. just dont trust him... I have thought about moving out but at this time is not really an option as i cant really afford to do so. plus b/f and i are saving to buy our house next year and get married and honestly not paying much rent is a great deal. my brother is working on finishing his GED and sending him back home will break his heart plus drive my mom crazy... he respects me more that he does her.. i feel like im trapped with no way out.. i honestly just want to livjust my b/f as we are trying to start our lives together and before we have kids i just want it to be me and him for a while, but it doesnt seem like it will ever be possible...

if you have read this far thanks for reading, what do you guys think? can you see a solution that im just to blinded to see???

 

[diamondsrock]

maybe there is an obvious answer to this question and I missed it, but if your dad moves out, why can''t your brother move with him?

 

[KimberlyH]

If you have no option other than living in that house (I assume you are paying reduced or no rent) than you're going to have to deal with your brother, unless he can go live with your dad. I understand your frustration but if I were in your shoes I would consider it part of the deal of getting to stay in the house, which sounds like a huge help to you and your BF in terms of allowing you to save money so you can purchase your own home and begin your life. Is having children something that you need to do immediately after moving into your own place due to age or a medical reason? You might want to consider pushing that back for a bit so you can have some "you" time before you head down that road. But for now, if there's no way out you can view your brother as practice.

 

[ljmorgan]

move out. you both live in your parents home, and your brother has the same right as you to live there. although if I were your parents, you would both be out of the house, since you''re 18 and over.

 

[diamondfan]

Is he of diminished capacity? If so, I honestly do not think he should be your responsibility. He has two parents, and you are not one of them. If they are neglectful or in any way not up to caring for him, then you have to figure it out. I am sorry for your dilema.

 

[Sha]

I understand your point of view but I think it''s a bit selfish to say that your father is an a-hole, basically, but still regret his leaving because it means you have to look after your brother. If he''s an a-hole, then you should be fine with him leaving - but that means you have to deal with the consequences, including having to look after your brother from time to time. It''s not your own place - you don''t have to pay rent - so this might be one of the responsiblities that come with living in the family home. You can''t have it both ways. Either you move out and not have that responsibility but waste money in rent - or stay and take on that responsiblity and save on rent. It might not be what you envisioned but things happen that you just have to deal with, especially family issues. The good thing is that it won''t be forever!

 

[swingirl]

I have a completely different opinion. Stay where you are and don''t get involved it your parents'' squabbles. Let you dad stay in the house as long as her wants. He is taking care of his own son and should be allowed to continue with that responsibility. Your mother has left the US and is now back in "her" country so she doesn''t care too much about the house, her son or her daughter. She''s made a new life for herself with zero responsibility. Leaving the house for you all to live in is not going to make or break her new life.

 

[sleeping beauty]

Date: 7/28/2007 2:29:52 PM
Author: swingirl
I have a completely different opinion. Stay where you are and don't get involved it your parents' squabbles. Let you dad stay in the house as long as her wants. He is taking care of his own son and should be allowed to continue with that responsibility. Your mother has left the US and is now back in 'her' country so she doesn't care too much about the house, her son or her daughter. She's made a new life for herself with zero responsibility. Leaving the house for you all to live in is not going to make or break her new life.

I think i should clarify a little, Both of my parents retired about 4 years ago and they both moved back to our home country with my 2 younger brothers. after being there for 3 years the problems between my parents grew bigger and bigger. he continued with his old ways about drinking till he passed out and cheating on my mother with every women in sight. basically my mom was the main support of the family even before they retired. my dad never gave us anything to really support us he mainly worked for himself and his family being his sisters that live back in hi home country. while my mom worked her butt off to put me through college he didnt even know what college i attended or even attended my graduation... well fast forward he decided to move back here with me so that he and my mom could separate for a while and decide what was to be done. in the mean time my mom stayed there taking care of my brothers and my very sick grandparents. last year when my brother turned 18 he came here for summer vacation and he really wanted to stay, finish his GED cause he wasnt doing good in school over there and he wanted to drop out. so i said it was ok with me so he stayed. Fast forward a year he is still not done with his GED hasnt gotten a job and my dad still lives here not supporting us and barely helping out with the house bills. If he would be taking care of his son it would be great but he is not, my brother hates him just as much as i do.. he still has his drinking problem and wont realize that he has a problem, continues to be abusive towards my mom even with the long distance in between them. finally my mother realise that saving her marriage for us her kids is not the ideal thing to do. i kept insisting she needed to get rid of him in order to get back on her 2 feet, get out of all the debt he has piled up and file for a divorce. im very proud of her for finally taking this step... i honestly dont have an issue with my brother leaving here, he has as much right to do so as i do, basically i just wish he would grow up get a freaking job pass his GED test and start acting like a grown up and what pisses me off is that i dont know how to show him the way to do so. its just really frustating me...hope this clarifies the story a little... my mom by no means is neglecting us... i wish when i grown up i can be half the woman she is, my dad on the other hand has totally neglected us ever since i have recollection of being a little girl. which is why never in my life i will let my brother move with my dad... i would rather sacrify myself and hope for the best. hopefully the divorce will go through soon enough and my mom can get back on her own 2 feet again away from this abusive relationship she used to call marriage.

 

[Gypsy]

Kick dad out.

Your bother is lazy and taking advantage of a free roof over his head and his big sister to hold his hand. Time for some tough love. After kicking dad out tell him that he has X period of time to get his GED and a job. If he doesn''t then it''s back to mom or moving out (clarify this with your mom). He''s 18 and old enough to start taking some initiative for himself. Start with charging him money for house bills. Tell him that starting in X time he will have to pay you X dollars a week (phone, heating, cable -- everything he uses). I see no reason for his behaviour to continue.

 

[Rock Candy]

Date: 7/28/2007 9:36:34 PM
Author: Gypsy
Kick dad out.


Your bother is lazy and taking advantage of a free roof over his head and his big sister to hold his hand. Time for some tough love. After kicking dad out tell him that he has X period of time to get his GED and a job. If he doesn''t then it''s back to mom or moving out (clarify this with your mom). He''s 18 and old enough to start taking some initiative for himself. Start with charging him money for house bills. Tell him that starting in X time he will have to pay you X dollars a week (phone, heating, cable -- everything he uses). I see no reason for his behaviour to continue.

I agree!

 

[monarch64]

SB, sorry to hear about your parents and that you are having to be forced into a parental role when you should be blossoming into adulthood and marriage without all this baggage. A lot of responsibility that should be your parents'' regarding your bro is being placed on you, and while it isn''t fair you''re going to have to do the best you can in this situation and hope your bro gets his act together. I agree with Gypsy, time for tough love. You have to make it clear to him that he''s 18 now and needs to start acting like the adult that he now is, he''s got to grow up and start making choices in life that will give him the freedom to pursue a successful life. Hopefully with you and your FI as positive role models in his life he''ll "get it" and start making progress. Not knowing really anything about your current lifestyle, I don''t have any real advice to give, but this is one of those situations in life where you all either sink or swim. You''ll have to be really strong and your bro needs to pull his weight as well. I hope your FI gives you a ton of support in this matter and that he''ll be there for both of you, that can only help matters. Best of luck to you, your FI, and your family.

 

[swingirl]

And clarify you did!! I think you answered your own question!! Your brother is not mentally challenaged like you initially stated, just lazy. And your father isn''t helpful like you indicated in the care of your adult brother. You know what you need to do without a hint of guilt. However, I still think it''s your mother''s responsibility not yours. It puts you in a very awkward position.

 

[surfgirl]

I agree with those that have said your Dad and brother are lazy. But I'm not clear on one thing - does your mom own the house you're living in? Is the house in her name? If so, why dont you talk to her and sell the house? Make a bunch of money on the sale, tell your mother you expect a cut for taking care of her business for her, and then get your own place or use your portion of the sale money to put a downpayment on your own place with your FI - one that doens't have room for family!

It sounds like you're being used by your Dad and brother. Send them both home now and take back your life. It is not your responsibility to take care of your lazy Dad or your lazy brother.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 7/31/2007 12:40:02 PM
Author: surfgirl
I agree with those that have said your Dad and brother are lazy. But I''m not clear on one thing - does your mom own the house you''re living in? Is the house in her name? If so, why dont you talk to her and sell the house? Make a bunch of money on the sale, tell your mother you expect a cut for taking care of her business for her, and then get your own place or use your portion of the sale money to put a downpayment on your own place with your FI - one that doens''t have room for family!

It sounds like you''re being used by your Dad and brother. Send them both home now and take back your life. It is not your responsibility to take care of your lazy Dad or your lazy brother.

Ditto!!

 

[NYCsparkle]

you have to live your OWN life. if your brother is not going to school or getting a job, send him to live with your mom. he''s 18 now and you shouldn''t have to put your life on hold because others can''t get it together. give him an ultimatum....shape up or ship out. if your moms not moving back here then why doesn''t she sell the house? you need to regain control over your life and start living it without 2 freeloaders.

 

[sleeping beauty]

Date: 7/31/2007 12:40:02 PM
Author: surfgirl
I agree with those that have said your Dad and brother are lazy. But I''m not clear on one thing - does your mom own the house you''re living in? Is the house in her name? If so, why dont you talk to her and sell the house? Make a bunch of money on the sale, tell your mother you expect a cut for taking care of her business for her, and then get your own place or use your portion of the sale money to put a downpayment on your own place with your FI - one that doens''t have room for family!

It sounds like you''re being used by your Dad and brother. Send them both home now and take back your life. It is not your responsibility to take care of your lazy Dad or your lazy brother.

The house belong to my mom and my mom only well besides her kids, not my dad. She would never think of selling, as she travels here more often than not for one and secondly she insist that this house is for her kids to have a place to go to in case anything happens in the future and incase she ever wants to come back. which is totally ok with me. She has offered to give us our downpayment for our home when we are ready to buy, but as stubborn as i am is something that i wanna do on my own specially since FMIL said she would help us too (that sounds great but thats another story in itself and its not such a great idea lets just say she is very possesive and wouldnt want her throwing shit in my face)

on the other hand, i have talk to my brother and we have started to look for a job, now hopefully he''ll get hired soon. As to my dad he is still here, apparently he is still under the impression that my mother was not serious about him moving out so hes staying put for now. my mom is planning a trip here to supposely finish wrapping up the loose ends with my dad , but who knows how that will turn out, it might get ugly and i just dont wanna be around for it.

Thanks for your eye-opening words ladies, i guess deep down i knew what to do all along but just never had the courage to do so. Ive always look after my brother not because my mom didnt but just cause i was the big sister and it was fun protecting him, being the cool sister, never in my life did i ever consider giving him tough love, but i guess i must if i want him to become a better man and not a kid anymore.