Family diamonds...Delicate situation

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Phoenix, I LOVE Amethyste''s plan btw. How about getting a cheap sim from DB or something and gifting that to her as real?

And I think this conversation definitely needs to be had sooner or later - even if it''s by e-mail. And I understand not wanting to do it over the phone - I wish I had the option for e-mail for telling my mom things she doesn''t want to hear! Alas, my written Korean isn''t good enough and she doesn''t use computers

Also, whoever (sorry I forgot!) suggested that you tell your sister you plan to leave the earrings to her children in your will is a great idea (obviously if you don''t plan to have children yourself and you''re ok with gifting it back to your nieces).

 

[Phoenix]

Sara, no worry about the t/jack. I too am incredibly fascinated by all these fireworks. The Chinese are SERIOUS abt their FIREWORKS!

 

[MAC-W]

I'm not normally the type to post personal information about myself but after reading your post I had to make an exception.

I am the middle child of three and when my dad was dying of cancer I used to drive up to visit him 2-3 times per week. So I would get to work at 7am. finish about 5pm, drive 3 hours to the hospital he was in, visit for 2 hours, drive 3 hours back home, sleep a few hours and go to work next day.

Then most weeks on the friday night instead of driving home I would drive another hour north and stay with my mum for the night.

In all that time my older sister visited twice, (she lived a 10 hour drive away) and my younger brother visited once and I paid for his plane ticket. (which wasnt a problem cos when my bro walked into the hospital my dad was so happy and proud, and I was really pleased I had been able in a small way to contribute to that happiness)

However at dad's funeral, everybody talked about how great it was that my sister and brother had done so much to make dad happy and I didnt even get a mention. (BTW I wasnt looking for praise or anything, but an acknowledgement that dad had 3 children not 2 would have been nice!)

Around the same time my marriage was breaking down, and when I told my mum (admittedly bad timing cos it was only a month after dads funeral) I got told I was bad, evil, sinful (very religious family) and was forbidden to visit, phone, talk to Mum again.

She made my sis and bro pick sides & when my bro got married 2 years later, she gave him the choice of her or me at the wedding. Well what was he to do? Of course he picked her and I understood completely. Mums are special, especially to sons.

11 years later...

I have no contact with any of my family. Even Aunts/Uncles/Cousins. (all very religious)

But Mum did send me a letter once asking why I had stopped sending her money cos she needed to be paying her phone bill etc

I know what I did was the right thing, even if my family disagree, and subsequently got together with a wonderful man with a wonderful family and my ex hubby met and married a great lady as well. With the plus side that he now has a son he adores (I couldnt/cant have children and ex hubby always said it wasnt a prob, but when I see how he dotes on his son I know he really did want kids, but kudos to him for at the time never letting me know.) The crazy thing is my mum is still in touch with my ex and even went to his wedding, so knows how happy he is now, but still somehow I'm the bad/evil person

So after that very long winded story, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might never be able to please your family (dad) and just have to make a decision that allows you to live with being who you are and do what you believe is the right thing.

Personally I think you have been more than generous, and would advise that you hang on to your mums ring, cos trust me, momentos like that ARE important and I really wish I had some tangible thing of my dad's


ETA: I luuurve Amethyste's "evil" plan

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 11:43:17 AM
Author: joflier

Date: 2/13/2010 11:36:51 AM
Author: Phoenix

I think that's better than just swallowing it up and keeping it inside. I think that if you give in, or don't even speak your peace, your going to be hurting yourself. It's all the jewelry you have left from your mom. This is a moment where its OK for you to be selfish.
Although - if I may ask, why are you so afraid to talk to him about it?

It's better for me to chicken out like that, I hope!! Knowing my dad though, he'll prob fume once he's read the email and then he'll call me and demand an explanation and then, I'll have to face him!! (sooooo not looking forward to that!!).

Regarding yr Q, it's really hard for me to explain. It's ludicrous (sp?) really when you think abt it. Here I am, a grown woman, someone who's been succesful professionally and who's had to deal with all kinds of tricky situations in my professional life and yet I don't know how to deal with my own dad. Pretty pathetic actually, if you wanna know the truth! I guess it is to do with our Vietnamese culture and more specifically the dynamics of my own family. You see, dad was a very intensely successful and powerful man (coupled with our family roots/ history - long story) and people used to and still do look up to him. When we were growing up, we used to be sooooo scared of him! We would never dare talk back to him. Mind you, he never laid a finger on us. All he needed to do was raise his voice and we'd tremble. I remember once when I was a child, I broke a coffee cup and I didn't manage to work up enough courage to tell him to his face, so I wrote him an apology letter and put it in the pocket of his fave jacket. He laughed so hard when he found the note and told me I should have told him directly. Well, most of my entire life has been like that. I often don't find enough nerves to question his judgement or decisions. I think my marrying DH, an American, was the one act of "defiance" (let's just say) I took against my parents, esp dad (not that marrying an American was defying him, just not marrying a Vietnamese man; and it wasn't even a deliberate act of defiance but I still worried that dad wouldn't approve). Lucky that's worked out!

All of this makes it so hard to swallow that Evil B has been soooooo mean to my dad.

 

[joflier]

Date: 2/13/2010 12:06:41 PM
Author: Phoenix

Date: 2/13/2010 11:43:17 AM
Author: joflier

Date: 2/13/2010 11:36:51 AM
Author: Phoenix

I think that''s better than just swallowing it up and keeping it inside. I think that if you give in, or don''t even speak your peace, your going to be hurting yourself. It''s all the jewelry you have left from your mom. This is a moment where its OK for you to be selfish.
Although - if I may ask, why are you so afraid to talk to him about it?

It''s better for me to chicken out like that, I hope!! Knowing my dad though, he''ll prob fume once he''s read the email and then he''ll call me and demand an explanation and then, I''ll have to face him!! (sooooo not looking forward to that!!).

Regarding yr Q, it''s really hard for me to explain. It''s ludicrous (sp?) really when you think abt it. Here I am, a grown woman, someone who''s been succesful professionally and who''s had to deal with all kinds of tricky situations in my professional life and yet I don''t know how to deal with my own dad. Pretty pathetic actually, if you wanna know the truth! I guess it is to do with our Vietnamese culture and more specifically the dynamics of my own family. You see, dad was a very intensely successful and powerful man (coupled with our family roots/ history - long story) and people used to and still do look up to him. When we were growing up, we used to be sooooo scared of him! We would never dare talk back to him. Mind you, he never laid a finger on us. All he needed to do was raise his voice and we''d tremble. I remember once when I was a child, I broke a coffee cup and I didn''t manage to work up enough courage to tell him to his face, so I wrote him an apology letter and put it in the pocket of his fave jacket. He laughed so hard when he found the note and told me I should have told him directly. Well, most of my entire life has been like that. I often don''t find enough nerves to question his judgement or decisions. I think my marrying DH, an American, was the one act of ''defiance'' (let''s just say) I took against my parents, esp dad (not that marrying an American was defying him, just not marrying a Vietnamese man; and it wasn''t even a deliberate act of defiance but I still worried that dad wouldn''t approve). Lucky that''s worked out!

All of this makes it so hard to swallow that Evil B has been soooooo mean to my dad.

Yes, each family has their own set of dynamics and personalities......and I''m sure there is a cultural aspect of the parent/child relationship that I may not be as familiar with. You have said that your siblings don''t seem to have this trouble saying no. What does your dad do when that happens? Does he get angry and fume? If not, would he treat you that much differently?
I''m trying to be optimistic for you here......take the example of your story about the letter for the broken cup. I''m thinking maybe this could end up being your adult version of breaking the coffee cup?

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 12:06:18 PM
Author: MAC-W


I'm not normally the type to post personal information about myself but after reading your post I had to make an exception.

I am the middle child of three and when my dad was dying of cancer I used to drive up to visit him 2-3 times per week. So I would get to work at 7am. finish about 5pm, drive 3 hours to the hospital he was in, visit for 2 hours, drive 3 hours back home, sleep a few hours and go to work next day.

Then most weeks on the friday night instead of driving home I would drive another hour north and stay with my mum for the night.

In all that time my older sister visited twice, (she lived a 10 hour drive away) and my younger brother visited once and I paid for his plane ticket. (which wasnt a problem cos when my bro walked into the hospital my dad was so happy and proud, and I was really pleased I had been able in a small way to contribute to that happiness)

However at dad's funeral, everybody talked about how great it was that my sister and brother had done so much to make dad happy and I didnt even get a mention. (BTW I wasnt looking for praise or anything, but an acknowledgement that dad had 3 children not 2 would have been nice!)

Around the same time my marriage was breaking down, and when I told my mum (admittedly bad timing cos it was only a month after dads funeral) I got told I was bad, evil, sinful (very religious family) and was forbidden to visit, phone, talk to Mum again.

She made my sis and bro pick sides & when my bro got married 2 years later, she gave him the choice of her or me at the wedding. Well what was he to do? Of course he picked her and I understood completely. Mums are special, especially to sons.

11 years later...

I have no contact with any of my family. Even Aunts/Uncles/Cousins. (all very religious)

But Mum did send me a letter once asking why I had stopped sending her money cos she needed to be paying her phone bill etc

I know what I did was the right thing, even if my family disagree, and subsequently got together with a wonderful man with a wonderful family and my ex hubby met and married a great lady as well. With the plus side that he now has a son he adores (I couldnt/cant have children and ex hubby always said it wasnt a prob, but when I see how he dotes on his son I know he really did want kids, but kudos to him for at the time never letting me know.) The crazy thing is my mum is still in touch with my ex and even went to his wedding, so knows how happy he is now, but still somehow I'm the bad/evil person

So after that very long winded story, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might never be able to please your family (dad) and just have to make a decision that allows you to live with being who you are and do what you believe is the right thing.



Personally I think you have been more than generous, and would advise that you hang on to your mums ring, cos trust me, momentos like that ARE important and I really wish I had some tangible thing of my dad's


ETA: I luuurve Amethyste's 'evil' plan

MAC, your post has me in TEARS, literally!!

Isn't it funny (strange, not ha ha) how you try and you try and you try and yet yr parents still choose to love whomever they choose the most (?!) I don't have a problem with mom and dad loving my brother the most. I just wish my brother would grow a spine and tell that evil wife of his to take a hike! I wish that she would stop manipulating her husband and my dad, and stop hurting my dad the way she has and is still doing.

Kudos to you for being the bigger person. You know what, I always say to my DH that at the end of the day, you are the only one you have to answer to and as long as you can live with your conscience and know that you've done everything you could have/ can, then that's all that matters. Oh I just went back and re-read your post (highlighted): we're saying the same thing!

HUGS to you and thanks for sharing. I know it must be very hard for you. I'm glad to know that you're happily married to a wonderful man and that his family loves you too. You sound like a really wonderful and caring person.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 11:32:15 AM
Author: lyra
Is it possible to have a true replica of the ring made? So at the very least, you could keep the original. If the setting was the same, with real diamonds, would she even know? I''m grasping here, because it sounds like the only way for you to keep the real ring, satisfy your dad and the evil one.

I am giving it some serious thoughts. Anything to get out of giving my mom''s actual ring to The Evil One.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 12:27:00 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 2/13/2010 12:06:41 PM

Yes, each family has their own set of dynamics and personalities......and I''m sure there is a cultural aspect of the parent/child relationship that I may not be as familiar with. You have said that your siblings don''t seem to have this trouble saying no. What does your dad do when that happens? Does he get angry and fume? If not, would he treat you that much differently?
I''m trying to be optimistic for you here......take the example of your story about the letter for the broken cup. I''m thinking maybe this could end up being your adult version of breaking the coffee cup?

I don''t know how to explain that, really. I guess that my siblings grew up and stopped being terrified of dad. Mind you, I can see how disappointed and hurt my dad is when they say no to him. I just haven''t crossed that line. Also, I guess I feel extra guilty since I''ve been living away from home (the UK) for the last 15 years and I feel that I haven''t been there for mom and dad when they needed/ need me. Sure, I compensate by giving them gifts and money, but I haven''t given them my time. Of course I know that mom and dad wouldn''t have wanted me to not live my own life, but that doesn''t stop me from feeling guilty, you know what I mean?

Actually, NOW, I remember when my mom died, I felt sooooo guilty that I wasn''t there for her, or that I could''ve done more. And also now that we''re talking abt this, I remember my dad blaming me for mom''s death. I wrote a thread about that somewhere on PS. I *know* I wasn''t to blame, but he made me feel really bad for a very looooong time abt her death.

I guess now that I really think about it, that''s the reason why I doubly can''t say no to dad. I''m just afraid that he thinks that I don''t love or care enough abt mom or himself.

 

[Clio]

Date: 2/13/2010 12:06:41 PM
Author: Phoenix

Regarding yr Q, it''s really hard for me to explain. It''s ludicrous (sp?) really when you think abt it. Here I am, a grown woman, someone who''s been succesful professionally and who''s had to deal with all kinds of tricky situations in my professional life and yet I don''t know how to deal with my own dad. Pretty pathetic actually, if you wanna know the truth! I guess it is to do with our Vietnamese culture and more specifically the dynamics of my own family. You see, dad was a very intensely successful and powerful man (coupled with our family roots/ history - long story) and people used to and still do look up to him. When we were growing up, we used to be sooooo scared of him! We would never dare talk back to him. Mind you, he never laid a finger on us. All he needed to do was raise his voice and we''d tremble. I remember once when I was a child, I broke a coffee cup and I didn''t manage to work up enough courage to tell him to his face, so I wrote him an apology letter and put it in the pocket of his fave jacket. He laughed so hard when he found the note and told me I should have told him directly. Well, most of my entire life has been like that. I often don''t find enough nerves to question his judgement or decisions. I think my marrying DH, an American, was the one act of ''defiance'' (let''s just say) I took against my parents, esp dad (not that marrying an American was defying him, just not marrying a Vietnamese man; and it wasn''t even a deliberate act of defiance but I still worried that dad wouldn''t approve). Lucky that''s worked out!

Phoenix, your father sounds a lot like my FIL, so I completely understand where you''re coming from. He''s a good man, but there is a natural imperiousness that makes it hard to even contemplate crossing him. That, coupled with the Vietnamese emphasis on respect for elders can be a very powerful thing indeed.

 

[joflier]

Date: 2/13/2010 12:44:28 PM
Author: Phoenix

I don't know how to explain that, really. I guess that my siblings grew up and stopped being terrified of dad. Mind you, I can see how disappointed and hurt my dad is when they say no to him. I just haven't crossed that line. Also, I guess I feel extra guilty since I've been living away from home (the UK) for the last 15 years and I feel that I haven't been there for mom and dad when they needed/ need me. Sure, I compensate by giving them gifts and money, but I haven't given them my time. Of course I know that mom and dad wouldn't have wanted me to not live my own life, but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty, you know what I mean?

Actually, NOW, I remember when my mom died, I felt sooooo guilty that I wasn't there for her, or that I could've done more. And also now that we're talking abt this, I remember my dad blaming me for mom's death. I wrote a thread about that somewhere on PS. I *know* I wasn't to blame, but he made me feel really bad for a very looooong time abt her death.

I guess now that I really think about it, that's the reason why I doubly can't say no to dad. I'm just afraid that he thinks that I don't love or care enough abt mom or himself.

I'm just throwing out thoughts for ya. I don't know the in's and out's of your world, but maybe it's time to start backing away from some of the gifts and money, and give them a little more time. Your time is probably the most valuable thing that you can give, if it's possible to do so.....Might help ease some of the guilt factor?? Maybe living so far away, it just isn't something that you can do. I don't know.
And the bottom line that I highlighted....I think that should be a sentence to put in your email. Or something like that. I think that sums up the lot of your feelings in a nutshell.

ETA - I just wanted to say that I'm sorry your struggling with all of this. It sounds like it's a huge burden on your heart. I truely hope that something positive can come out of this bummer of a situation for you!

 

[MAC-W]

Thanks Pheonix, but I didnt mean to make you cry

It was hard to post, and I did debate for a while whether I should or not but at the end of the day the thing I love about PS (apart from the bling of course

) is the support that is given so I felt it would be wrong not to share.

My mum actually told me, (yes said the words!

) that my bro was her favourite and my sis was my dad's favourite - I was about 9 at the time and over 35 years later I still vividly remember that conversation. She probably doesnt but I definately do. Maybe - probably - that was why I tried so hard for so long, but it gets to the point where you have to look after yourself (at least it did for me) even if other people dont approve.

As you recognised, I am happily remarried and my MIL is more of a mother to me than my own ever was, so I got lucky in the end. I think that's the thing about doing what you know is right. Karma does eventually(!) come, as it will for your SIL. You just have to stay true to who you really are.

Stay strong and dont let SIL, dad or anyone make you do what you know is not right.

Think back on your mum and all the wonderful times you had and know that even if your dad doesnt understand at the moment, you are honouring your mum, and your love for her, by saying "No"

Date: 2/13/2010 12:06:41 PM
Author: Phoenix



I remember once when I was a child, I broke a coffee cup and I didn't manage to work up enough courage to tell him to his face, so I wrote him an apology letter and put it in the pocket of his fave jacket. He laughed so hard when he found the note and told me I should have told him directly. Well, most of my entire life has been like that. I often don't find enough nerves to question his judgement or decisions.

.

Just a thought, but based on what you said here, would writing a letter to your dad be easier than talking direct? you might find it gets a better reaction.

Hubby and I do this sometimes if we've had a major fight and its amazing how reading someone's words allows you to more easily take in what they are trying to say. Sometimes face to face you are so busy arguing your case you dont really hear what the other person is saying. Letters can sometimes be more effective as you 'hear' the whole story not just the first few sentences.

karma and hugs to you for a successful outcome.

 

[MAC-W]

oops - duplicated

 

[Hest88]

Oh sweetie, I''m so steamed after reading this thread that I can barely type! I''m not steamed AT you, of course, I''m steamed FOR you.

I think everyone has said it well. You''re a professional woman; use all your skills as a professional to say no---either via email or write down on a piece of paper this that you can read over and over again when you talk to your dad: "This is the only piece of jewelry I have left of my mom''s; I''m not giving it away." And just repeat that over and over again no matter what he says. If you deviate from this, if you leave any room for negotiation, then you''re sunk. Just *think* how your mom would feel if she knew the only piece you have left that she gave you went to that b*tch! Stay strong; I know you can do it.

Although my parents were not authoritarians, as a first generation Chinese-American I do have a sense of how you feel. My American friends are always flabbergasted when I tell them all the hoops I made my Caucasian DH jump through to please my parents before we got married. Bless him, he bent over backwards in ways many of my friends couldn''t comprehend anyone being asked to do for future ILs. So I can imagine how hard this is for you, but you''ve got to do this or you will regret it all your life.

As for the earrings...I don''t think you should let your sister''s circumstances be an issue. If money is a problem for her, then you offering to buy them might actually be a plus. Just gently say to her "You know mom''s earrings? They were very special to me and I was wondering if you''d be willing to sell them to me or let me replace them with a pair of new ones? If you don''t want to give them up I totally understand too."

 

[winternight]

You need to keep your mother''s ring. You''ll regret it forever if you give it away and someday when you have your own children what will you have to give them from your mother? This is time for you to stand up for yourself in my opinion. I have some of my grandmother''s jewelry and honestly none could get me to give it up --- it means too much. So I hope you do this for yourself and keep the ring.

As for the other diamonds just ask, it probably is bothering you more than it will bother anyone else.

 

[joelly]

IMO, you should said "No" to your father. SIL is by all means shouldn''t get your Mom''s jewels especially because your Mom has daughters. It''s different if your Mom doesn''t have a daughter.

I am sorry that this is happen to you. Your father should be more understanding. Anything given to you by your Mom, IMO, noone should tell you to give back, even your father. He has stepped outside his boundaries, I think.

Good luck!!!

 

[zhuzhu]

If your dad really just want to have a piece of a "family jewelry", why not ask your dad to just buy a piece for your SIL? After all it will still be coming from your family. Why does it have to be a piece that your mom actually wore?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Phoenix, I am so sorry that you are going through this! I love Amethyste''s plan But please, don''t give your mom''s actual ring to this woman!

Best wishes in your quest to TTC and possible adoption.

Come join us on the TTC thread if you ever want to talk about it. It''s kind of nice to be able to ask totally TMI questions

 

[joelly]

Phoenix,

Didn''t realize that you are TTC. I wish only the best for you. I am so very very happy for you.

Pls pls pls follow Amethyste "evil" plan so you can put this whole unnecessary issue behind you.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 12:51:46 PM
Author: Clio


Phoenix, your father sounds a lot like my FIL, so I completely understand where you''re coming from. He''s a good man, but there is a natural imperiousness that makes it hard to even contemplate crossing him. That, coupled with the Vietnamese emphasis on respect for elders can be a very powerful thing indeed.

Yes, those Vietnamese fathers, FIL''s are so hard to deal with!

Thanks for writing in, Clio.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 12:56:02 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 2/13/2010 12:44:28 PM

I''m just throwing out thoughts for ya. I don''t know the in''s and out''s of your world, but maybe it''s time to start backing away from some of the gifts and money, and give them a little more time. Your time is probably the most valuable thing that you can give, if it''s possible to do so.....Might help ease some of the guilt factor?? Maybe living so far away, it just isn''t something that you can do. I don''t know.
And the bottom line that I highlighted....I think that should be a sentence to put in your email. Or something like that. I think that sums up the lot of your feelings in a nutshell.

ETA - I just wanted to say that I''m sorry your struggling with all of this. It sounds like it''s a huge burden on your heart. I truely hope that something positive can come out of this bummer of a situation for you!

Thanks so much for chiming in again, Jo.

Yes, I do carry a load of guilt. I''m not quite sure that else I can do abt the situation. I do try to go back to the UK and visit, and I should probably do it more often. I''m not sure though that would help much. The fact remains I do live overseas, away from the family. The only thing that would make it completely better would be for me to live there full-time but that obviously is not possible. [sigh]

I speak to my expat friends from time to time about living away from home. They do feel the same as I do. I have one friend whose parents were recently taken ill at about the same time, and she was thousands of miles away. You can imagine how upset and gulity she must have felt/ is still feeling.

Thanks for all yr kind words.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 1:01:52 PM
Author: MAC-W

Thanks Pheonix, but I didnt mean to make you cry

It was hard to post, and I did debate for a while whether I should or not but at the end of the day the thing I love about PS (apart from the bling of course

) is the support that is given so I felt it would be wrong not to share.

My mum actually told me, (yes said the words!

) that my bro was her favourite and my sis was my dad''s favourite - I was about 9 at the time and over 35 years later I still vividly remember that conversation. She probably doesnt but I definately do. Maybe - probably - that was why I tried so hard for so long, but it gets to the point where you have to look after yourself (at least it did for me) even if other people dont approve.

As you recognised, I am happily remarried and my MIL is more of a mother to me than my own ever was, so I got lucky in the end. I think that''s the thing about doing what you know is right. Karma does eventually(!) come, as it will for your SIL. You just have to stay true to who you really are.

Stay strong and dont let SIL, dad or anyone make you do what you know is not right.

Think back on your mum and all the wonderful times you had and know that even if your dad doesnt understand at the moment, you are honouring your mum, and your love for her, by saying ''No''

Date: 2/13/2010 12:06:41 PM
Author: Phoenix

<snip>

I remember once when I was a child, I broke a coffee cup and I didn''t manage to work up enough courage to tell him to his face, so I wrote him an apology letter and put it in the pocket of his fave jacket. He laughed so hard when he found the note and told me I should have told him directly. Well, most of my entire life has been like that. I often don''t find enough nerves to question his judgement or decisions.

<snip>.

Just a thought, but based on what you said here, would writing a letter to your dad be easier than talking direct? you might find it gets a better reaction.

Hubby and I do this sometimes if we''ve had a major fight and its amazing how reading someone''s words allows you to more easily take in what they are trying to say. Sometimes face to face you are so busy arguing your case you dont really hear what the other person is saying. Letters can sometimes be more effective as you ''hear'' the whole story not just the first few sentences.

karma and hugs to you for a successful outcome.

No worries. I was very touched by your words.

It''s shocking what your mom said to you! I can''t believe some of the things that some parents actually say to their kids!

It''s great that you are able to find great happiness with your husband and your MIL. I''m very happy for you. You sound like a really wonderful person who are deserving of great love.

Yes, I believe that what goes rounds comes round, as far as Evil B is concerned.....

I''ll try and write an email to my dad and explain things to him. Maybe seeing things in black and white would make him understand better how much my mom''s ring means to me. That may very well do the trick Wish me luck!

Ditto what you said abt the PS community. You guys are awesome!!

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 11:54:29 AM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl
Phoenix, I LOVE Amethyste''s plan btw. How about getting a cheap sim from DB or something and gifting that to her as real?

And I think this conversation definitely needs to be had sooner or later - even if it''s by e-mail. And I understand not wanting to do it over the phone - I wish I had the option for e-mail for telling my mom things she doesn''t want to hear! Alas, my written Korean isn''t good enough and she doesn''t use computers

Also, whoever (sorry I forgot!) suggested that you tell your sister you plan to leave the earrings to her children in your will is a great idea (obviously if you don''t plan to have children yourself and you''re ok with gifting it back to your nieces).

Ha ha, my Vietnamese sucks! So I''ll have to write in English. Lucky dad is fluent in English, so at least I have that option. Still, he may fume, so let''s see.

I will offer to buy Evil B another ring, or another piece of jewellery or whatever else she might want. Honestly, it makes me SICK to my stomach that I''lll have to spend any money on her at all, but if that''s what it takes for my dad to buy some time with his son and grandsons, then so be it!

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 2:30:33 PM
Author: Hest88
Oh sweetie, I''m so steamed after reading this thread that I can barely type! I''m not steamed AT you, of course, I''m steamed FOR you.

I think everyone has said it well. You''re a professional woman; use all your skills as a professional to say no---either via email or write down on a piece of paper this that you can read over and over again when you talk to your dad: ''This is the only piece of jewelry I have left of my mom''s; I''m not giving it away.'' And just repeat that over and over again no matter what he says. If you deviate from this, if you leave any room for negotiation, then you''re sunk. Just *think* how your mom would feel if she knew the only piece you have left that she gave you went to that b*tch! Stay strong; I know you can do it.

Although my parents were not authoritarians, as a first generation Chinese-American I do have a sense of how you feel. My American friends are always flabbergasted when I tell them all the hoops I made my Caucasian DH jump through to please my parents before we got married. Bless him, he bent over backwards in ways many of my friends couldn''t comprehend anyone being asked to do for future ILs. So I can imagine how hard this is for you, but you''ve got to do this or you will regret it all your life.

As for the earrings...I don''t think you should let your sister''s circumstances be an issue. If money is a problem for her, then you offering to buy them might actually be a plus. Just gently say to her ''You know mom''s earrings? They were very special to me and I was wondering if you''d be willing to sell them to me or let me replace them with a pair of new ones? If you don''t want to give them up I totally understand too.''

Thank you so much, Hest. I''m STEAMED at myself too for not having the courage to be firm with my own dad!

Most of the time, I think Asians have some really great customs but honestly sometimes I feel that Asian parents can be quite overwhelming. What to do (?!)

It''s true I have been given some real great advice here. I''ll try to communicate with my dad by email and see what happens.

I think the issue with my sister is not that much of an issue, really. I will wait until we see each other face to face and gentlly hint to her and see what she says. If it looks like it doesn''t go well, then I may just leave the whole thing alone altogether.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 7:47:01 PM
Author: winternight
You need to keep your mother''s ring. You''ll regret it forever if you give it away and someday when you have your own children what will you have to give them from your mother? This is time for you to stand up for yourself in my opinion. I have some of my grandmother''s jewelry and honestly none could get me to give it up --- it means too much. So I hope you do this for yourself and keep the ring.

As for the other diamonds just ask, it probably is bothering you more than it will bother anyone else.

Thank you, winternight.

Agreed with everything you''ve said.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 9:54:55 PM
Author: joelly
IMO, you should said 'No' to your father. SIL is by all means shouldn't get your Mom's jewels especially because your Mom has daughters. It's different if your Mom doesn't have a daughter.

I am sorry that this is happen to you. Your father should be more understanding. Anything given to you by your Mom, IMO, noone should tell you to give back, even your father. He has stepped outside his boundaries, I think.

Good luck!!!

I'm sure you're right. I don't think though that dad even realises how upsetting this iis for me (?). Maybe he's not as sentimental as I am (?)

Hmmm...now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think he is at all. I remember him throwing away practically all of my mom's clothes, shoes and other belongings just a couple of days after my mom had died

. I remember being very upset about it, but of course in my/ our usual fashion, I and other siblings didn't challenge his decision. I *know* that he loved/ loves my mom; he may just not attach values to material possessions/ mom's belongings the way I do.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 10:08:03 PM
Author: zhuzhu
If your dad really just want to have a piece of a ''family jewelry'', why not ask your dad to just buy a piece for your SIL? After all it will still be coming from your family. Why does it have to be a piece that your mom actually wore?

I think I''ll have to be the one buying something for Evil SIL. I''ll ask him in my email why it has to be my mom''s jewellery (let alone the very last piece of hers that I have left) and see what he says.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 11:44:51 PM
Author: Bella_mezzo
Phoenix, I am so sorry that you are going through this! I love Amethyste's plan But please, don't give your mom's actual ring to this woman!

Best wishes in your quest to TTC and possible adoption.

Come join us on the TTC thread if you ever want to talk about it. It's kind of nice to be able to ask totally TMI questions

Thank you, Bella. Isn't it Amethyste's plan SOOOO fun?!! and deliciously evil, ha ha!!

I will not give that ring away to the Evil One. Thanks to all the advive given here, I'm adamant abt holding on to it and I refuse to feel guilty towards my dad for not giving it up, esp to the Evil B.

I'm soooooo very sorry, everyone, I should have stated that we TRIED to conceived, not TRYING to conceive. True, I did go through IVF, hubby had to abstain from drinking, we saved up the eggs and sperms and had the embryos planted and everthing else (sorry if this is TMI). We tried it the natural way also (but of course

). Unfortunately, it's all failed. I'm now too old (early forties, moving on to mid forties very soon

) to start another cycle of IVF and am too exhausted, mentally and physically. The best thing may be for us now to seriously explore the adoption option.

Thanks so your invite. Seriously, I'm continually touched by how kind and supportive PS'ers are.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/13/2010 11:55:44 PM
Author: joelly
Phoenix,

Didn't realize that you are TTC. I wish only the best for you. I am so very very happy for you.

Pls pls pls follow Amethyste 'evil' plan so you can put this whole unnecessary issue behind you.

Thank you so very much for your kind wishes and words. Unfortunately, we're no longer trying. Maybe we can look forward to adopting a cute little Chinese girl, or two. I may start a thread some time in the near future to ask for help with this.

Best of luck to everyone who's TTC. Hope you will all get great news soon.


Sincerest thanks to everyone who's written in with your wonderful, kind words and the incredible support you all have given me. I'm so blessed and honoured to know you all.

BIG MASSIVE HUGS.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 2/13/2010 11:51:05 AM
Author: Phoenix

Date: 2/13/2010 10:40:51 AM

Author: Cehrabehra



You are not plannig to have children, right Phoenix? Why not ask for the earrings and promise to give them to her or her children in your will? I know it sounds a bit morbid but it''s a thought... also please don''t give that woman your mother''s ring - I''m quite sure your mom would turn in her grave!!!

Well, to tell you the truth, we''ve been TTC but so far, no luck! We may very well adopt, esp now that we live in China where it must be relatively less hard trying to adopt a little girl or two.


It''s not morbid at all. In fact, I''ve already planned to give all of my bling, if we still don''t have kids, to my nieces. The other sister I mentioned, the super duper nice one, the one that my mom and dad have always leant on (in addition to me); well, her daughter is going to get a chunk of our estate, even if we do end up with kids. That''s a promise I''ve made to my sister.

I''m sorry phoenix - I must have misunderstood something you''d said before - I''ll cross my fingers for you I know you will be wonderful!!

Where does the niece that visited fit into this?

 

[Cehrabehra]

what if you.......

said to your father that you would make a similar ring for him to give to this woman and that you are not giving up the ring you have BUT you tell him this is THE LAST TIME EVER you will contribute to this woman who contributes nothing in return.

Maybe if he knows it is the last time he won''t ask again?