Family diamonds...Delicate situation

[MakingTheGrade]

Yeah, sometimes I feel like it can be hard to explain Asian family dynamics and expectations to people who grew up with American values, it's just so different on a fundamental level sometimes!

Like most American kids grow up being taught to live for their dreams, stand for themselves, and go after what makes them happy because that is their right in life, and the parents are there to support them in following their dreams. Oh boy, try running that by traditional asian families and they will probably tell you that that kind of thinking sounds incredibly naive and selfish on the child's part! I don't know about you, but I was raised being told how I would need to support my parents when they got old, and that's a lot of pressure on a ten year old! I often have to explain to my husband why my parents expect things that he thinks is rude/overbearing, it's just the way that family dynamics work in China for the most part.

I'm lucky in a way though, I'm rebellious by nature so I fought my parents a lot on their view points, and decided that if I can accept their high expectations of me, then it's only fair that I hold them to the same standards and have high expectations of them. One of those expectations being that they can learn to listen and respect me as an adult when it comes to something important to me. If you love someone, you want them to grow right? And after about a decade of squabbling with them and countless guilt trips on both sides, I think we're getting to the point of mutual respect and understanding. From my husband's view, I probably "give in" too much still, and from my grandparents' point of view, I'm "too Westernized" and irresponsible in my familial duties. So I guess that means we're at a good compromise, haha.

Ah well, we grow and change, and our parents can too! No matter how much they insist they can't

I want to have a open and honest relationship with my parents, and I know that deep down they want to get to know me that way too, but that can't happen with the power gap between "Parent" and "Child" and the feelings of obligation that come with those roles and mindsets. So I have to say no to them sometimes, and I feel bad because I know it hurts their feelings, but at the same time I know I'm making us work towards a more truthful and open relationship.


Happy Chinese New Years to you too!

ETA: I think in my parents' minds, when I don't do what they ask, they see it as their failure as parents. So when we fight, I like to remind them that I'm as smart and successful as I am in large part thanks to them, but because they taught me to be a strong, intelligent woman, it also means that I'll have the confidence to disagree with them from time to time. Given the choice between raising a daughter who's smart but mouthy, and one who's filial but can't stand on her own, my parents always begrudgingly admit that the former is better

. So really when you disagree with your dad, you're just showing him what a good job he did in raising you to make it on your own!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Date: 2/13/2010 7:50:56 AM
Author: Amethyste
[
Phoenix!!!! They are poor BECAUSE of all they do for him - as a result, you give them your own money, do indirectly you are enabling this whole cycle to go on! I know you cannot say no to your dad, and with good reasons, but you must stick to your guns and not give the ring back since:


1> you love it and want to keep it as it is a reminder of your mom.

2> you would give it away to someone you don''t even care for and is not giving anyone warm fuzzies. She''d probably wouldn''t even wear it anyways since it seems that she is pretty careless of people''s feelings etc...

3> Regardless that it belonged to your mother, with all of your kind lending and helping them, paying for things that later were given, I''d consider this a ''small'' payment for all of what you have done.


And TRY to not feel bad about keeping this ring with you. You are HER DIRECT Child. She is not.


Since the SIL is EVIL, I have an EVIL plan for you...:


Do you ''think'' your dad remembers the 5 stone ring really really well? I am only asking because, if you think he doesn''t why don''t you try to find something comparable to what you have right now like on ebay and such and send him that? I mean he''s not going to be keeping it anyways ( nothing sentimental ) and you''d be able to keep the sentimental ring from your mom, safe with you. To H$LL with her!!! I''d even find a CZ band and give that!!! When your dad calls back and he asks about the ring just tell him that you are getting it fixed at the jeweler ( like tightening prongs and cleaned ) and when it comes back, you''ll send it. It will give you some ''extra play'' time to find a suiting replacement


Hang there Cutie... And BE STRONG!!

I had the same evil idea . . .

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m sorry to hear all you''ve been through Phoenix. I would definitely talk to your dad and, as others have said, tell him how much your mom''s ring means to you. I''m surprised he''s asked you to give it back, considering how much you''ve done for your family (and how many family jewels you''ve already given away).

The one thing I disagree with, and this is only my opinion, is going out of your way to have a replica of the 5 stone ring made. That seems like an awful lot of work to do for someone who''s treated your family so horribly. It''s definitely a generous offer, but I really don''t think you owe your SIL anything ("owe" might not be right word). If SHE wants a replica made, she can do it on her own. I hope that doesn''t sound mean, I really don''t.

I really hope you can work this out with your dad and your family. It is a tricky situation to be in but I think saying no to your dad (in a gentle way) is the right thing to do.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/14/2010 9:16:24 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

I''m sorry phoenix - I must have misunderstood something you''d said before - I''ll cross my fingers for you I know you will be wonderful!!

Where does the niece that visited fit into this?

No worries, Sara. I wasn''t clear in my previous post and the other PS''ers thought the same as you did. Thanks for your kind words.

Oh my other niece..she''s the daugher of one of my brothers. She''s just young, she needs to grow up a bit but she''s basically a good kid and I do love her. For sure we''ll leave something to her. In fact I gave her her first diamonds a few years ago, pair of diamond earrings, which she wears proudly everyday.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 2/14/2010 10:09:44 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Yeah, sometimes I feel like it can be hard to explain Asian family dynamics and expectations to people who grew up with American values, it''s just so different on a fundamental level sometimes!


Like most American kids grow up being taught to live for their dreams, stand for themselves, and go after what makes them happy because that is their right in life, and the parents are there to support them in following their dreams. Oh boy, try running that by traditional asian families and they will probably tell you that that kind of thinking sounds incredibly naive and selfish on the child''s part! I don''t know about you, but I was raised being told how I would need to support my parents when they got old, and that''s a lot of pressure on a ten year old! I often have to explain to my husband why my parents expect things that he thinks is rude/overbearing, it''s just the way that family dynamics work in China for the most part.


I''m lucky in a way though, I''m rebellious by nature so I fought my parents a lot on their view points, and decided that if I can accept their high expectations of me, then it''s only fair that I hold them to the same standards and have high expectations of them. One of those expectations being that they can learn to listen and respect me as an adult when it comes to something important to me. If you love someone, you want them to grow right? And after about a decade of squabbling with them and countless guilt trips on both sides, I think we''re getting to the point of mutual respect and understanding. From my husband''s view, I probably ''give in'' too much still, and from my grandparents'' point of view, I''m ''too Westernized'' and irresponsible in my familial duties. So I guess that means we''re at a good compromise, haha.


Ah well, we grow and change, and our parents can too! No matter how much they insist they can''t

I want to have a open and honest relationship with my parents, and I know that deep down they want to get to know me that way too, but that can''t happen with the power gap between ''Parent'' and ''Child'' and the feelings of obligation that come with those roles and mindsets. So I have to say no to them sometimes, and I feel bad because I know it hurts their feelings, but at the same time I know I''m making us work towards a more truthful and open relationship.



Happy Chinese New Years to you too!


ETA: I think in my parents'' minds, when I don''t do what they ask, they see it as their failure as parents. So when we fight, I like to remind them that I''m as smart and successful as I am in large part thanks to them, but because they taught me to be a strong, intelligent woman, it also means that I''ll have the confidence to disagree with them from time to time. Given the choice between raising a daughter who''s smart but mouthy, and one who''s filial but can''t stand on her own, my parents always begrudgingly admit that the former is better

. So really when you disagree with your dad, you''re just showing him what a good job he did in raising you to make it on your own!

Ditto for me too. It''s a totally different dynamic. Phoenix, I know you are a strong and successful woman and I know you will be able to figure this situation out.

And Happy Lunar New Year!

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/14/2010 10:09:44 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Yeah, sometimes I feel like it can be hard to explain Asian family dynamics and expectations to people who grew up with American values, it's just so different on a fundamental level sometimes!

Like most American kids grow up being taught to live for their dreams, stand for themselves, and go after what makes them happy because that is their right in life, and the parents are there to support them in following their dreams. Oh boy, try running that by traditional asian families and they will probably tell you that that kind of thinking sounds incredibly naive and selfish on the child's part! I don't know about you, but I was raised being told how I would need to support my parents when they got old, and that's a lot of pressure on a ten year old! I often have to explain to my husband why my parents expect things that he thinks is rude/overbearing, it's just the way that family dynamics work in China for the most part.

I'm lucky in a way though, I'm rebellious by nature so I fought my parents a lot on their view points, and decided that if I can accept their high expectations of me, then it's only fair that I hold them to the same standards and have high expectations of them. One of those expectations being that they can learn to listen and respect me as an adult when it comes to something important to me. If you love someone, you want them to grow right? And after about a decade of squabbling with them and countless guilt trips on both sides, I think we're getting to the point of mutual respect and understanding. From my husband's view, I probably 'give in' too much still, and from my grandparents' point of view, I'm 'too Westernized' and irresponsible in my familial duties. So I guess that means we're at a good compromise, haha.

Ah well, we grow and change, and our parents can too! No matter how much they insist they can't

I want to have a open and honest relationship with my parents, and I know that deep down they want to get to know me that way too, but that can't happen with the power gap between 'Parent' and 'Child' and the feelings of obligation that come with those roles and mindsets. So I have to say no to them sometimes, and I feel bad because I know it hurts their feelings, but at the same time I know I'm making us work towards a more truthful and open relationship.


Happy Chinese New Years to you too!

ETA: I think in my parents' minds, when I don't do what they ask, they see it as their failure as parents. So when we fight, I like to remind them that I'm as smart and successful as I am in large part thanks to them, but because they taught me to be a strong, intelligent woman, it also means that I'll have the confidence to disagree with them from time to time. Given the choice between raising a daughter who's smart but mouthy, and one who's filial but can't stand on her own, my parents always begrudgingly admit that the former is better

. So really when you disagree with your dad, you're just showing him what a good job he did in raising you to make it on your own!

You're very lucky indeed and I mean that sincerely, esp considering your parents still live in China. My dad has been living in the UK for a few decades now and yet deep down, he's still very very Vietnamese, meaning I can't really reason with him, and that he's always right.

Having said that though, I've taken the advice given by PS'ers and have drafted an email to dad. I haven't sent it to him yet but I will - soon. I'll come back and update you guys later. Let's see if there're gonna be any fireworks - and I don't mean the type I saw a couple of days ago!

I thank you for your kind words, MTG.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/14/2010 12:27:10 PM
Author: phoenixgirl

Date: 2/13/2010 7:50:56 AM
Author: Amethyste
[
Phoenix!!!! They are poor BECAUSE of all they do for him - as a result, you give them your own money, do indirectly you are enabling this whole cycle to go on! I know you cannot say no to your dad, and with good reasons, but you must stick to your guns and not give the ring back since:


1> you love it and want to keep it as it is a reminder of your mom.

2> you would give it away to someone you don''t even care for and is not giving anyone warm fuzzies. She''d probably wouldn''t even wear it anyways since it seems that she is pretty careless of people''s feelings etc...

3> Regardless that it belonged to your mother, with all of your kind lending and helping them, paying for things that later were given, I''d consider this a ''small'' payment for all of what you have done.


And TRY to not feel bad about keeping this ring with you. You are HER DIRECT Child. She is not.


Since the SIL is EVIL, I have an EVIL plan for you...:


Do you ''think'' your dad remembers the 5 stone ring really really well? I am only asking because, if you think he doesn''t why don''t you try to find something comparable to what you have right now like on ebay and such and send him that? I mean he''s not going to be keeping it anyways ( nothing sentimental ) and you''d be able to keep the sentimental ring from your mom, safe with you. To H$LL with her!!! I''d even find a CZ band and give that!!! When your dad calls back and he asks about the ring just tell him that you are getting it fixed at the jeweler ( like tightening prongs and cleaned ) and when it comes back, you''ll send it. It will give you some ''extra play'' time to find a suiting replacement


Hang there Cutie... And BE STRONG!!

I had the same evil idea . . .

Ha ha!!

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 2/15/2010 1:55:11 AM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl


Ditto for me too. It''s a totally different dynamic. Phoenix, I know you are a strong and successful woman and I know you will be able to figure this situation out.

And Happy Lunar New Year!

Thank you, Brown. Many thanks for chiming in several times.

Am I right in thinking that this is also the NY for Koreans? If so, Happy Lunar NY to you too.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I may not understand growing up in an asian family but I do understand that it is different. Regardless, a lot of things in life can be tough, foreign, difficult - and they''re still the right things to do. Not every family tradition deserves to be adhered to unconditionally every time. Of course if you don''t really want to deviate from the expectation that''s fine and should be respected (like if someone just needs to vent) but if someone really is suffering and NEEDS to deviate - then however difficult it may be I am happy to support them regardless of how difficult it may be to do something.