Family Competition

[Jojakim]

My sister just became engaged!

This may have some implications on my near future ring purchase, but I'm not sure. I'd like your opinion: My sister was given a solitaire white gold ring with an round ideal cut, 0.33 ct., I1, H color stone. Does this mean I should get my girlfriend an ideal cut as well? Do I now have the freedom to chose an I1 stone for an engagement ring? We are currently of equal socioeconomic status, but he is aiming to end up in a higher status job than I. In addition, both my mother and my girlfriend's mother wear nice, solitaire 0.5 ct. rings. I currently don't have enough money to make this big of a purchase, but I have about a year in order to save more before I intend to propose. So far I know my girlfriend would like a solitaire, round cut diamond in a yellow gold ring. I intend to save $2,000, but I might only get to $1,500. Do you think I am thinking too much, or are family comparisons significant? What do you think they mean for my situation?

Thank you for any thoughts you care to share.

 

[Blair138]

I don''t think you should worry about what your sister got as an engagement ring. Buy what you can afford and I am positive your girlfriend will love it. ESPECIALLY since you are not planning on proposing for another year, I don''t feel like anyone would compare the 2.

If you think it would be that big of a deal and a huge competition, then maybe you should talk to your GF about this beforehand and let her know how you feel.

 

[espressa]

I honestly wouldn''t go by what your sister received for her engagement ring to decide what you get your girlfriend. You don''t "have to" get her an ideal cut, although I think it would probably be a good idea. As for getting an I1 stone, it''s not something I would do (I would not want to see visible inclusions) and with even a budget of $1500 you should be able to get a very nice, eye clean, 0.5 carat ring in a yellow gold setting.

I just did a quick search and came up with this 0.517 I SI1 ideal cut H&A (A Cut Above from Whiteflash) diamond for only $1,178 ($1119 after the bankwire/PS discount): http://www.whiteflash.com/hearts_arrows/A-Cut-Above-H-A-cut-diamond-912966.htm There are many other ideal cut diamonds near the same price range.

Stick that in a 4 prong yellow gold solitaire from Whiteflash for $250, and you''re all set. If you can save up $2,000 then you can get a bigger diamond or a higher color (or higher clarity if you wish, but as long as it''s eye clean I don''t think it''s worth worrying about the clarity).

 

[Circe]

It's probably just the wording of the title, so I hope I'm misreading, but ... are you worrying about feeling as though you have to trump your sister (or her fiance), or is your concern that your future fiancee not feel out of place as compared to the rest of your family? The first one shouldn't be a consideration - your engagement should be about the two of you, not about other people. But, given that it's not a perfect world, I can see the second one as being a consideration ....

Like Blair said, you shouldn't feel like you *have* to get an ideal cut to meet the standard your future brother-in-law has set, but they tend to be lovely stones, and worth it. And, like Espressa said, it sounds like your budget is ample for what you have in mind. But, first and foremost, think about what you and she want, and not about what other people will think of it ....

 

[Klunker]

Actually, I would more worry about what type/size of rings her friends have. She will most definitely be compared to their rings.

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Here is a beautiful ideal cut round from GoodOldGold.com. It is .46 ct. G/SI1, priced at $1250. I don't know how much you would have to pay for a simple solitaire setting, but I would bet you could still stay under $2000.

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/3868/

 

[Pandora II]

Or you could steer clear of the whole thing and get her a unique coloured stone e-ring.

I have one - they''re very popular in the UK. Lady Diana had a sapphire, Duchess of York a ruby. My mother, grandmother and sister have sapphires and my other grandmother an emerald.

I''ve helped 5 people design their e-rings in the last 2 years and only one was only diamond, the others had emeralds, tsavorites and sapphires. I''m currently working on a new sapphire engagement ring.

If you take a look on the coloured stones forum you will see lots of beautiful coloured engagement rings.

I get so many compliments on mine.

It''s not always a cheap option - lots of us on PS have them because we prefer colour stones to diamonds not because we couldn''t afford a diamond, but there are stones for all budgets you will get a lot more choice and a bigger stone than you will with a diamond.

 

[UCLABelle]

Well, family issues never played a role when my husband-to-be and I looked at rings. Most people in my family have around .50cttw (my mom's though is nearly a carat). It really depends...and I don't think I would feel different if I had a smaller ring of lesser quality or size (however, I must say, I do have a much bigger diamond of great quality ring now, after many upgrades, so how I think I would feel, and how I would feel may be different).

That said, I may consider something more unique (unless her heart really, really is set on a gold solitaire, which are classic)...to eliminate any possible family competition (meaning, if the rings are very similar in style, the size and quality of the diamond may be compared more so than if the ring is different)...

I am a HUGE fan of eternity rings, or perhaps some style similar to those below (sorry if this is too many, or not what you are looking for in terms of answers, but I just got done with two root canals and trying to kill time and discomfort )

Ring One

Ring Two

Ring Three

Ring Four


As posted earlier, you should have NO problem getting a nice diamond in a gold setting for under $2,000!!!!

 

[marcy]

I agree that you can get your girl friend a very nice 1/2 ideal cut diamond mounted in a solitaire well inside your budget. I would buy her what you want and not worry about what someone has or would think.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 5/13/2008 8:02:57 PM
Author: Klunker
Actually, I would more worry about what type/size of rings her friends have. She will most definitely be compared to their rings.

Dude, if you worry about what her friend wear, you''re going to spend the rest of your life playing "keeping up with the Joneses", who wants to live like that?

To the OP, I would try to save as much as you can between now and when you''re ready to buy, and when you have the money, come back here and let people help you get a fantastic ring. I think you should get the most ring for your money and who cares what your sister has? You''re not asking your sister to marry you right (that''s illegal anyway...

) so between now and then, make sure you know what your gf loves best, and then get the most you can afford. Easy peasy.

 

[Jojakim]

Thank you for all of your quick advice. This is helpful to me.

Seeing your posts, I see that the whole competition thing is not normal. With my lack of experience, I previously thought that perhaps it was. Since he is aiming for the occupation my dad wanted me to go into, I have this fear of him replacing me it my father''s eyes. My sinful inclination is to outdo him and eclipse him. This "keeping up with the Joneses" mindset is not based in love for my girlfriend, but in contempt for the new man in the family and his strong influence over my sister. I''ve been thinking that any status or influence he gained would be taken away from me, and vice versa. It''d be horrible to give her a ring that symbolizes my attempts at one-up-man-ship.

Some of you suggested I should try something different than the solitaire diamond settings common in our families. Hearing that, it sounds like a good way to reduce comparison between the two of us. Even if I am capable of getting a better one than him, it won''t matter if the comparison is between "apples and oranges". My girlfriend is not absolutely set on a solitaire, but that is currently what she prefers. She said she will go ring shopping with her mom soon (not to buy, but to see what she likes). Since we have time, there is a possibility her preferences will eventually change.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 5/13/2008 9:42:31 PM
Author: Jojakim
Thank you for all of your quick advice. This is helpful to me.

Seeing your posts, I see that the whole competition thing is not normal. With my lack of experience, I previously thought that perhaps it was. Since he is aiming for the occupation my dad wanted me to go into, I have this fear of him replacing me it my father''s eyes. My sinful inclination is to outdo him and eclipse him. This ''keeping up with the Joneses'' mindset is not based in love for my girlfriend, but in contempt for the new man in the family and his strong influence over my sister. I''ve been thinking that any status or influence he gained would be taken away from me, and vice versa. It''d be horrible to give her a ring that symbolizes my attempts at one-up-man-ship.

Some of you suggested I should try something different than the solitaire diamond settings common in our families. Hearing that, it sounds like a good way to reduce comparison between the two of us. Even if I am capable of getting a better one than him, it won''t matter if the comparison is between ''apples and oranges''. My girlfriend is not absolutely set on a solitaire, but that is currently what she prefers. She said she will go ring shopping with her mom soon (not to buy, but to see what she likes). Since we have time, there is a possibility her preferences will eventually change.

I''m sorry if you think me rude for saying so, but from this post it sounds as if you have some problems that extend beyond the engagement ring. I would suggest discussing how you feel with your family, if you can - you never know, it may just all be a misconception and you are worrying for nothing.
Either way, what is importantas others have said, is you and your future fiance''s happiness, not competing with anyone.

I hope when the time comes you come back here to find an awesome ring!

 

[sna77]

Date: 5/13/2008 8:02:57 PM
Author: Klunker
Actually, I would more worry about what type/size of rings her friends have. She will most definitely be compared to their rings.

I thought about this a bit too when I bought FI''s ring... Her sister has a 2.7ct amazing RB diamond... After coming to terms with the fact that FI would have to deal with a smaller stone, I realized that I was never going to be in a position to "compete" with brother-in-law, so why bother? I ended up getting her the nicest stone that I could afford... While people may judge the 2 rings side by side, and see that her sister''s is better, I''m clearly the better looking guy so it makes up for it.

(kidding, relax ladies!)

 

[Hera]

Date: 5/13/2008 9:42:31 PM
Author: Jojakim
Thank you for all of your quick advice. This is helpful to me.

Seeing your posts, I see that the whole competition thing is not normal. With my lack of experience, I previously thought that perhaps it was. Since he is aiming for the occupation my dad wanted me to go into, I have this fear of him replacing me it my father''s eyes. My sinful inclination is to outdo him and eclipse him. This ''keeping up with the Joneses'' mindset is not based in love for my girlfriend, but in contempt for the new man in the family and his strong influence over my sister. I''ve been thinking that any status or influence he gained would be taken away from me, and vice versa. It''d be horrible to give her a ring that symbolizes my attempts at one-up-man-ship.

Some of you suggested I should try something different than the solitaire diamond settings common in our families. Hearing that, it sounds like a good way to reduce comparison between the two of us. Even if I am capable of getting a better one than him, it won''t matter if the comparison is between ''apples and oranges''. My girlfriend is not absolutely set on a solitaire, but that is currently what she prefers. She said she will go ring shopping with her mom soon (not to buy, but to see what she likes). Since we have time, there is a possibility her preferences will eventually change.

You should not buy something different than a solitaire diamond to make you feel better by reducing the comparison. Your fiance prefers a solitaire at the moment and unless that changes on her trip, you should buy here what SHE wants.

 

[Sharon101]

I think with the ring you can only get what you can afford when it is your time to propose. The reality is that when you are in a family competition, it goes on for `ever`, its exhausting, every win is transitory because the rules swap and change with the speed of light. The reality is that you are always loosing because you dont own your own happiness, its being hinged on someone elses ups and downs.

Now, every family has something going on. I cant tell you how many family fights I know of over money, jelousy, inheritance etc. So you are definately not alone in your feelings. But you have to learn to overcome these feelings of being in a compitition to the point of distraction.

I also think your idea of competition is very short sighted & limited. Its not going to be about .2 of a diamond size, its going to be about houses ,children, holidays and a million other things etc. So it is my opinion that you should disengage yourself from the `game`.....and just consintrate on your own happiness and success. Living a full, healthy, fulfilling life with lots of friends and interests is what its all about!!!! Surround yourself with a community, give of yourself, invest in the important things and you will be right!!!!!

Try not to take any thing personal about your bil and you will have a healthier existance.

 

[bling addict]

I totally get that if the guy kind of irritates you, how you might one to one-up him, but he''s going to be family, and as Sharon said you don''t really want to end up competing for the rest of your life -- it will be tiring! Also, I obviously don''t know your situation, but I suspect that you are perhaps over thinking things, don''t consider him a competitor for your families affections, just consider him the person that your sister loves, and presumably (as you have not indicated to the contrary) you love your sister and so just be happy that she has found a person she loves. I don''t think him being in the picture should change how your family feels about you!

That said, I think as other people have mentioned you will be able to get a beautiful ring with your budget -- I also agree that if your GF likes solitaires, that you should get her what she wants. If your girlfriend likes coloured stones, I agree with Pandora, that they are a beautiful option.

I''m sure when you are ready, people here will be happy to help you find a beautiful ring within your budget!

Good Luck.