family as bridesmaids - anyone feel an obligation?

[DMBFiredancer]

did anyone here feel obligated to have sisters or certain family members as bridesmaids?
i have 3 sisters, and have already asked them all to be bridesmaids, even though i am really only close to one of them.
this was the one and only ''battle'' i chose not to pick with my mom...it just wasnt that important to me at the time. (my mom made a comment to me "well, you HAVE to have them...they are your sisters")

now that its a few months into planning, i am realizing who is TRULY helping me with the wedding (the sister i am closest to and my best friends)

anyone feel any guilt about not having certain friends as bridesmaids after your decision was made?
also, has anyone honored girls at the wedding who have helped them but were not necessarily in the bridal party? (i am not doing a speech, so i cant do that..)

thanks, as always!

 

[Sabine]

I didn''t have the exact experience, but I did feel obligated to have my brother''s wife and FI''s sister in the bridal party. But in the end, I was really glad that I did. My brother''s wife was invaluable in distracting my mom on the day of when I needed a break, and even though I''m not that close with dh''s sister and she did cause a few problems leading up to the wedding, I do think it was a nice gesture that she appreciated, and it made dh really happy.

HOWEVER, I have a friend that I kinda regret asking. I asked her because I wanted to have 2 other friends that she was also friends with, and I felt she would feel left out if I didn''t ask her. But she was by far least involved and she couldn''t make the shower, bachelorette party, and came late to the rehearsal.

I know you said your mom convinced you, but even if they aren''t helping much (or are even being a bit of a pain), do you think they appreciate being in it? Are they younger or older? If they are younger, they might not have enough experience to be much of a help, but will probably really appreciate being in the wedding. If they are older, they might actually appreciate not having to be bridesmaids.

 

[Lanie]

This hits very close to home for me. I decided to have 2 co-maids of honor. One of them is my "best friend" from high school, and we have always been close, but have recently drifted. We promised each other we would be maids of honor in each of our weddings, so I felt like she needed to be one of them. The other is my other "best friend" from college, and we''re super close. She''s been the best...very supportive of me, very helpful. I couldn''t ask for a better friend.

Well, it turns out that co maid #1 is bitter about me getting married, and has said some nasty, negative comments to my friends. They take them with a grain of salt. I''ve tried including her in my wedding planning, and it''s hit or miss. Sometimes she''s all for it, other times she will snap back with something. (She has emotional issues way beyond the scope of telling here...I have to give her some allowance) Anyway, it''s not like I can kick her out of the wedding. I''m just kind of rolling with it, and knowing that co-maid #2 has my back and will help me out, and will try her best to keep co-maid #1 from saying anything negative in front of me. I needed to have co-maid #1 in my wedding, because if I didn''t, she would probably never talk to me again. I figured it was better to sacrifice on my end, rather than have some emotional drama throughout the engagement.

If you already asked your sisters to be in it, enjoy this period of planning with them, and just let it go. Maybe they will surprise you, and it will bring you closer. I think we tend to put a lot of importance on who is standing up there with you, but in the end, you know in your heart who is the most supportive.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

Date: 8/4/2008 11:25:31 AM
Author: Sabine

I know you said your mom convinced you, but even if they aren''t helping much (or are even being a bit of a pain), do you think they appreciate being in it? Are they younger or older? If they are younger, they might not have enough experience to be much of a help, but will probably really appreciate being in the wedding. If they are older, they might actually appreciate not having to be bridesmaids.

thinking about this helped me a lot....they do seem to appreciate being in it - perhaps i need to try to include them more and maybe ask them to do certain things? they are all younger - i am in my late 30s- one is 1 yr younger than me, the next is 10 years younger than me, and the last is 13 years younger. the age gap may have something to do with it as well, although i am closest emotionally to the one 10 years younger than me.

perhaps i need to try to figure out a way to include them in planning - give them little jobs so they feel important and i feel like they are doing something.

this has really been helpful for me to think this all out- thank you, guys

 

[Amandine]

I was in my cousin''s wedding while in college, and remember being slightly surprised that my sister and I were asked. Not that I don''t like my cousin, we grew up very close and our families vacationed together for a couple weeks every year.

Now its my turn to get married, close to a decade later. I really only see this cousin at holidays now, and when I am able to be home (Michigan) from Georgia, she doesn''t make much of an effort to see me. I didn''t even get a congratulatiosn call or email when I got engaged. I didn''t end up asking her to be in my wedding. We are keeping it smaller, at around 75 guests, and I only asked my two oldest friends (known them since I was five). I think she may be hurt, but I don''t feel as close to her now, we have grown up and changed. She hasn''t said anything, but I have heard some small bit of family scuttlebutt.

I don''t regret it, though. The two s I have are really close to me, and this whole thing is hard enough after losing my sister four years ago. I was her maid of honor, and she would have been mine. The wedding is in October, so we shall see how I feel after!

 

[lala2332]

I think younger people who have never been married or haven''t been in many weddings tend to get insulted when not invited to be a BM.

I''m sorry about your sisters, but I think asking them to do certain things would be really helpful. Maybe the 4 of you get together and work on tying favor boxes, so that you can do some sisterly bonding, maybe watch sgirly movies and have some wine while doing so.

Also, if you are having a buffet dinner, ask one of them beforehand to bring you little plates of food during the night...it seems like the bride never gets to eat otherwise, my SIL and I did that for my sister and she was so grateful.

Another idea: a wedding I was in this summer the bride kicked everyone out of the dressing room except her mom, and sister, (and the photograher) and they are the ones who helped her with her dress and did up all the buttons, I have no idea what happened in there, but I think it was a nice famliy moment for them.

 

[swingirl]

Not all bridesmaids have to be equal in their duties. But sisters are sisters and they will be around 40 years from now. If there was any expectation that they would in asked, it''s better that you did unless they are horrible and would spoil things for you. But if you are just worried that they won''t be useful and do enough to help you can deal with that.

 

[musey]

I think my future sister-in-law did feel obligated to include me. She and I have barely spoken two words to each other, and I'm not close to my brother--yet they asked me to be a bridesmaid.

My mother encouraged me to accept so I did, but it's very strange... it feels like she asked, and I accepted, just to be polite... not because either of us wanted me to be in their bridal party. We're just going through the motions. It feels contrived and fake.

I'm trying to be helpful and fulfill her expectations of me, but I barely know the girl so it's difficult and awkward.

Date: 8/4/2008 11:07:51 AM
Author:DMBFiredancer
anyone feel any guilt about not having certain friends as bridesmaids after your decision was made?

No... I did for a little bit, but I had really strict standards. I started out with 5 friends (4 girls and 1 guy) that I wanted to ask. I decided that I didn't want that many, so I would only choose the ones that I could be 100% sure to be close with in 50 years when I'm looking at wedding photos. That left only one of the girls, my cousin.

I have no guilt over not 'including' the other friends, because I think it's fairly obvious what my guidelines for choosing attendants were. If I had been less, strict? I guess, then I might feel some guilt over it, just because beyond my "rule" (or a rule like "only family") it's difficult to justify choosing or not choosing any individual, you know?


Anyway, don't feel guilty. You asked who you asked for specific reasons, no point in worrying about it now. Besides, does the individual effort put in actually make any of them more or less your "bridesmaid?" They're helping you (or not) because of their relationship with you and their level of interest in your wedding. The bridesmaid "label" shouldn't make them more or less apt to help you out with stuff, IMO.

To be fair, that's coming from someone who only expected her MOH to choose a dress and show up. So my expectations were pretty low

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

i did, at first i didn''t even think about asking my husband''s sister to be a bm but then her mother mentioned she was into it so i asked her. i''m glad i did, i think the whole experience made us closer.

 

[Pandora II]

The only family members we involved were my brother who did a reading and my 3 year-old niece and 7 & 9 year-old cousins.

Both of us are one of four, DH had 5 bestmen who were his bestfriends from different stages of his life. None of his brothers were at all offended - and offered to help with the ushering which was nice.

Neither of my sisters had any wise to be bridesmaids and my SIL wouldn''t have wanted to be either.

Maybe it''s more of an American thing. In the UK bridesmaids just have to turn up on the day and look pretty, there aren''t any other obligations.

Whatever the situation, I vote for having the people you are close to and who mean something to you as your bridesmaids. Merely sharing genetics is not a reason to be included!

 

[allycat0303]

Yeah. Kind of. There''s my sister, who I used to be really close to, but after a lot of drama, I am not sure. Then there is FSIL. I was HER maid of honor for her wedding 4 years ago (but kind of by default because her matron of honor decided at the last minute she didn''t want to go). I don''t want her to feel bad. As for my sister, I am getting guilt tripped by virtually everyone. We''ll see.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

thanks again, everyone

i talked to them today about ideas for bridesmaid dresses and 2 out of the 3 were VERY excited and even wanted to go this thursday to try them on and take pictures for me! (they dont live close enough for me to go with them right now)
the other one said, "the wedding is 11 months away - why do i need to go look at dresses right now?"

ugh.
just fake some excitement at least!!!!

i think i am just going to try to focus on the positivity of the other 2. their excitement really made me happy.
if the other chooses to not show as much excitement, then i will just have to chalk that up to being HER problem i guess? when i first asked them to be bridesmaids i told them they could decline if they didnt WANT to and i wouldnt be offended...maybe i need to remind her of that lol

is 11 months too early to look at dresses for bridesmaids? i just figured since i saw one i really liked that they should see if they feel comfy in them and like them enough, too.
its a beach wedding next july and this is one dress i like:
bridesmaid dress

do i have to worry about things like this not being available in a few months or does davids bridal keep the same stuff for a long time?

 

[ljsmith001]

My FI and I decided to just do 4 and 4. I now feel bad that he did not include my two older brothers in our wedding, but he has 0 sisters and 0 brothers so we just decided to not do siblings. You can try to incorporate them in the wedding other ways! My two brothers will still be required to wear tuxes (I''m awful i know this) but they will be ushers! They are probably happy to not be in the wedding - they still get to come to our rehersal dinner & have an amazing time at the wedding!