Extremely upset ... I hate my proposal and my engagement ring

[lumpkin]

Kennyg: I just wanted to say I loved your two posts on this. What a wonderful perspective you bring to this thread! Thank you, because we get SO focused on the diamonds (me, too, very much) that we kinda forget the romance behind them. Even flubs and missed steps can be very romantic, and you''ve reminded us just how vulnerable the man is when he proposes.

 

[CaliCushion]

Aaaaaa, While you may not be happy with your ring now, you seem to have a great guy that loved you. Try to focus on that. Perhaps you can pick an amazing wedding band that you love. Maybe an eternity band as your wedding band would provide you with the bling you''re after? A lot of people just wear thier eternity bands on a daily basis and only wear the engagement rings for special occasions. Hey, maybe later down the road you can get yourself a ROCK with two side stones, and have his original e-ring stone be one of the side stones. I hope some of these ideas help to make you a little less dissapointed!

 

[dolphingirl22]

I think we need a thread in SMTR of the straw ring...LOL

 

[Ellen]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:15:23 PM
Author: Mara
To whomever said something along the lines of ''be thankful that you were even asked''...are you serious? That implies something along the lines of ''Gosh aren''t you lucky someone actually wants to marry you''. I think in any relationship, BOTH parties are lucky to have each other. Not that the chick is lucky if the guy decides that he deigns to ask her to marry him.

Also...I almost feel like many times on here we get two views. One is the younger and somewhat financially independent females who are in their 20''s and 30''s who are possibly getting married later in life...and then there are the older, been married for a long time women who may have gotten married at a young age to their now-spouse of many years.

Many times the older women say ''be thankful, be grateful, i got a melee when we were married 30 years ago and i loved it, i would never dream of upgrading'', etc. As fabulous as that is for them...I think that this generation and today''s women are VERY DIFFERENT from those days. I know when my parents got married, my Mom had a 1/2c which was probably huge at the time. She never upgraded, but she did lose that ring about 10 years ago while walking, and got a 1ctw 5 stone ring and doesn''t really think about upgrading. It''s not important to her. She does have other jewelry though. On the other hand, me, I had definite ideas on what I wanted, knew about how much things cost, knew what we could afford...and I was a little older and so was Greg and I just think we have a different relationship and at a different time and world than parents did. So when I got my ring and wasn''t entirely over the moon, I wanted to change it.

It seems like many times on here the older, marriedlongtime ladies act like younger people nowadays are spoiled, selfish, whatever. In reality, I just feel like it''s different expectations and that has to do with how people are raised now, so much more ''priveleged'' in most cases than when these other individuals were younger. Even my 17 year old sister now is way more privileged than I was when I was her age. I do feel like sometimes people are a little more spoiled than we all used to be, but I don''t feel like it invalidates how people feel.

You can''t entirely discount someone''s feelings just because it might be gauche to speak up. You can''t tamp down your feelings when you are in a relationship, it just doesn''t work. EVENTUALLY they boil up and out and it can be very bad. So I feel like while the OP should respect her bf and the fact that he tried, even if it wasn''t what she wanted, she has to also be true to herself and her feelings in some manner as well.

It was me, but what I said was, "be happy someone asked you". And I meant just that. BE HAPPY. Someone asked you. That''s what ALL this is really about. Not the ring, not the less than expected/ideal situation where the proposal took place. It''s about a man caring enough about a woman to ask her to spend the rest of her life with him. I have a feeling she got it.


As for thinking people are more spoiled nowadays? Yeah, I do. We have evolved into a "me" society, imo. Everyone wants bigger, better, more, etc. It''s insane. However, that''s a whole other thread. But I think that''s why us "old timers" feel the way we do. We grew up appreciating what we had, instead of always thinking about what we could have. You''re right, times have changed, that doesn''t necessarily mean for the better.




At any rate, I''m so glad aaaaa came back, and is feeling better. Congratulations, and enjoy your engagement!!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 12/14/2007 8:13:13 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 12/14/2007 7:55:47 PM
Author: dolphingirl22
I think we need a thread in SMTR of the straw ring...LOL

You're silly.

Oh my goodness, LOL!!! I love your story SDL; that is what love is about!!! Ditto what Ellen said too.

ETA: Love the straw!

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 12/14/2007 7:56:30 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 12/14/2007 5:15:23 PM
Author: Mara
To whomever said something along the lines of ''be thankful that you were even asked''...are you serious? That implies something along the lines of ''Gosh aren''t you lucky someone actually wants to marry you''. I think in any relationship, BOTH parties are lucky to have each other. Not that the chick is lucky if the guy decides that he deigns to ask her to marry him.

Also...I almost feel like many times on here we get two views. One is the younger and somewhat financially independent females who are in their 20''s and 30''s who are possibly getting married later in life...and then there are the older, been married for a long time women who may have gotten married at a young age to their now-spouse of many years.

Many times the older women say ''be thankful, be grateful, i got a melee when we were married 30 years ago and i loved it, i would never dream of upgrading'', etc. As fabulous as that is for them...I think that this generation and today''s women are VERY DIFFERENT from those days. I know when my parents got married, my Mom had a 1/2c which was probably huge at the time. She never upgraded, but she did lose that ring about 10 years ago while walking, and got a 1ctw 5 stone ring and doesn''t really think about upgrading. It''s not important to her. She does have other jewelry though. On the other hand, me, I had definite ideas on what I wanted, knew about how much things cost, knew what we could afford...and I was a little older and so was Greg and I just think we have a different relationship and at a different time and world than parents did. So when I got my ring and wasn''t entirely over the moon, I wanted to change it.

It seems like many times on here the older, marriedlongtime ladies act like younger people nowadays are spoiled, selfish, whatever. In reality, I just feel like it''s different expectations and that has to do with how people are raised now, so much more ''priveleged'' in most cases than when these other individuals were younger. Even my 17 year old sister now is way more privileged than I was when I was her age. I do feel like sometimes people are a little more spoiled than we all used to be, but I don''t feel like it invalidates how people feel.

You can''t entirely discount someone''s feelings just because it might be gauche to speak up. You can''t tamp down your feelings when you are in a relationship, it just doesn''t work. EVENTUALLY they boil up and out and it can be very bad. So I feel like while the OP should respect her bf and the fact that he tried, even if it wasn''t what she wanted, she has to also be true to herself and her feelings in some manner as well.

It was me, but what I said was, ''be happy someone asked you''. And I meant just that. BE HAPPY. Someone asked you. That''s what ALL this is really about. Not the ring, not the less than expected/ideal situation where the proposal took place. It''s about a man caring enough about a woman to ask her to spend the rest of her life with him. I have a feeling she got it.


As for thinking people are more spoiled nowadays? Yeah, I do. We have evolved into a ''me'' society, imo. Everyone wants bigger, better, more, etc. It''s insane. However, that''s a whole other thread. But I think that''s why us ''old timers'' feel the way we do. We grew up appreciating what we had, instead of always thinking about what we could have. You''re right, times have changed, that doesn''t necessarily mean for the better.




At any rate, I''m so glad aaaaa came back, and is feeling better. Congratulations, and enjoy your engagement!!

I got what Mara was saying about being glad someone asked her. I thought the same thing, but then, I considered the "source" and I knew what you meant, Ellen. I felt the same way when my husband proposed to me -- thankful he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and that THAT was far more important than the ring, which looked a WHOLE lot better with a larger diamond in it (after the wedding). I think I''m right smack dab in the middle of your two paths of logic, and I see both sides. I did what Ellen did, but not for nearly as long, mostly because I''m an impatient little needer of more immediate gratification, LOL!

Every couple is different. Even some younger posters have traditional ideals about proposals, and then some of us "old timers" bought our own upgrades later on. But the spirit of making sure the lines of communication are open and if something is REALLY bothering us, we need to discuss it as a couple is very important.

I think the OP just really needed to get her feelings off her chest, and I can relate to that. I think Mara''s right that feelings are just what they are -- feelings, and they are no less valid because they aren''t pleasant. Much better to vent here than to her FI, which is what she said up above a few posts. That said, I don''t think the OP would be well advised to just blurt out that she wants a bigger diamond and she wanted a more magical proposal. Timing and tact are very important, too.

 

[tulip928]

I can''t wait to see your pictures! I went to the deBeers website and built a solitaire ring with a .50. It''s truly beautiful. Really!!! It''s a lovely setting - classic.

I''ll bet your diamond is gorgeous, too. Congratulations to you!

 

[tulip928]

I love it, SanDiegoLady!!!! It''s one of a kind, for sure!

 

[joflier]

Is that a h&a straw? I swear I saw some arrows in there!

 

[LE]

I can also relate to your post! My proposal night was awkward and not what I wanted at all. I ended up telling him a few weeks later, and we can now laugh at the lack of romance that night. I was also having ring doubts, but both of us are okay with upgrading later. Please take a week or two to think about things before you talk to your new fiance!

 

[Dee*Jay]

SDL, if you upgrade that what do you get -- a garden hose?!

 

[Mara]

I don't think it was just you that said it Ellen, and I didn't even remember it was you...I just remembered seeing something along those lines and thinking...seriously??? Be happy 'someone asked you'? I understand and wholeheartedly applaud the 'be happy the person who you feel is your perfect fit feels the same way that you do'...but the whole be happy he asked you or 'someone' asked you just sounds so non-womens lib to me. And I'm not even womens lib really...I'm pretty traditional.

And whether or not times changing are for the better or worse doesn't matter. It just is. That was my main point. I definitely CAN see both sides of the story ... I actually felt like this was one of the least selfish/spoiled posts that we see on here from women who were newly proposed to and super unhappy, the OP sounded like she knew what the whole thing was really worth and what it meant and just trying to get past the nuances not being remotely what she wanted or thought. And as someone who has really definitive ideas on what she wants, and a husband who thankfully understands that, I totally could feel her and her feelings were valid and I felt like she didn't need to be told to be grateful or whatever...because I felt like she GOT how important of a gesture it was, she was just trying to figure out how to get past the details.

In any case, aaaaaa...I think it's awesome that you feel better about it and yes venting here is better than to him. Though I still do think that if the ring does bother you, it will continue to. I know this from experience...I was unhappy with my ring for almost a year before my now-husband said he understood and let me change it. And now I am so much happier (well er a few stones later but that's a different tale!)...and far more content. Don't let anyone invalidate your feelings...there are two of you in that relationship as well. Good luck!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/14/2007 10:21:30 PM
Author: Dee*Jay
SDL, if you upgrade that what do you get -- a garden hose?!

 

[Kaleigh]

As someone who has been married for 21 years, I would never feed into the just be glad he asked you senario. Not sure that was even the case here. Just sayin... Anyway my point is that the proposal isn''t something you''ll be thinking about long term. My proposal wasn''t over the top, but it was very sweet and soooo US. The most important thing is that you love this man. You are going to marry him. Focus on the life that you plan together. Honestly after 21 years we don''t think about the proposal... Well it comes up now and then once in a bue moon.... It''s just a blip on our radar screen.
I''d cherish this happy time, and celebrate all the joy that life has given you both.

 

[Mrs. Ramirez]

aaaaaaaaaaaa,

Where''s the ring...want pics....

 

[amy_dub]

Date: 12/15/2007 3:02:17 AM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Hm. Well.. I should maybe ask huh? Maybe a really really REALLY nice one? lol

Sillies.. Dee*Jay you''re so funny.

I think an upgrade from that would be a colored flexi straw.. so if you want to switch fingers with it, it has a built-in resizer.

Such a sweet story SDL! Thank you for sharing. I think sometimes we all get caught up in the ring, and not the meaning behind it. It definitely brought new light to some of us LIW who have gotten very hung up on wanting a ring on our finger, instead of a commitment of being together forever.

aaaaa.. congrats on your engagement! This is a very magical time in your life and I hope planning for the wedding is fun. I''m pretty sure it''s time for some pictures of that ring!

 

[kennyg]

Lumpkin - thanks for the kind words. Like I said, I am going to propose soon and very nervous about how it will happen this week, even though we''re so comfortable with each other. And I don''t have huge elaborate plans, but even the plans I did have keep getting blown out of the water because the ring was delayed, or something wasn''t available, etc. So it may not end up being "perfect", but I''m confident we both will make it a romantic night regardless of whether we have any "flubs". And the real surprise will be that my whole family and her family are secretly flying in for the Christmas weekend - she doesn''t know that. So after our romantic night, in a few days she''ll be the center of attention and get to show off her ring to everyone!

Mara - I get your viewpoint. And also from a guy''s perspective I think it is ok that aaaaaa doesn''t like the ring. You can''t help what you like or dislike and shouldn''t have to feel bad about it. There are some women I''ve dated who are very spoiled - aaaaaa doesn''t sound like that. But even to those spoiled women - if something is important to them, no matter how trivial I think it is, it will always be important to them. And if the two people can''t work it out they aren''t a good fit. Nothing bad or good about it, and it will probably hurt to figure that out, but better to find someone who values what you do and vice versa.

To aaaaa I''d just say before you upgrade the ring, figure out a way to love the existing one, and spare the guy''s ego at least until there is less emotional attachment to the ring. It may take only a week, it may take a year, who knows? And when you do upgrade keep this ring and turn it into something else like a pendant!

 

[tberube]

SanDiegoLady - looks like that straw ring needs to be resized!

 

[baby monster]

Date: 12/14/2007 7:56:30 PM
Author: Ellen
It was me, but what I said was, ''be happy someone asked you''. And I meant just that. BE HAPPY. Someone asked you. That''s what ALL this is really about. Not the ring, not the less than expected/ideal situation where the proposal took place. It''s about a man caring enough about a woman to ask her to spend the rest of her life with him. I have a feeling she got it.


As for thinking people are more spoiled nowadays? Yeah, I do. We have evolved into a ''me'' society, imo. Everyone wants bigger, better, more, etc. It''s insane. However, that''s a whole other thread. But I think that''s why us ''old timers'' feel the way we do. We grew up appreciating what we had, instead of always thinking about what we could have. You''re right, times have changed, that doesn''t necessarily mean for the better.

I agree with other posts that an engagement is truly not about "the ring" but I have a little different perspective on this "spoiled" issue. Younger women have the opportunities to move up and earn more that older women never had. It really is a different world for women. Aaaaaa is a prime example of that. She is a banker and makes a lot more money than her student bf. She is in a different purchasing category and can afford so much more than others. Should we call her spoiled just because she worked hard to get to this point in her career and has definite ideas on what she wants and has money to spend?

Aaaaa might be upset that her bf is not on the same wealth level as her but that is a by-product of women''s lib. I think we''ll probably see more posts like that as women continue to get more power and money in the workplace.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:16:58 PM
Author: aaaaaaaaa
Thanks to everyone. I am starting to feel much much better about the whole situation. He loves me so much (and I love him) and that is the most important. We will have a happy and wonderful life together (actually we pretty much already have that) ... and the ring really is beautiful (I will post pictures over the weekend - at work now) even though it is not the size I would have chosen.

I am definitely not going to suggest an upgrade (probably ever) - too hurtful to him and this ring means so much to me as he chose it - he was so happy when I said it was beautiful. This board has been SO great for letting me get my initial ugly feelings out (I dread to think how easily and quickly I could have turned this happy occasion into something really ugly, disappointing and heartbreaking for BOTH of us). That said, although I am 100% over the proposa (and I will try to plan something really romantic to enjoy together this wkend - perhaps a walk in the park), I am not 100% over the ring but hopefully moving in that direction (plus - I think the idea re choosing a really great wedding band/eternity band later down the track is perfect and satisfy my desire for some more sparkle . I am going to keep reminding myself of all the thoughts posted here re ring.

What a drama!

Pricescope is so cathartic for many of us. If we''re complaining that our BF is taking too long to propose, or that we''re not 100% happy with the ring and proposal, this forum is a caring community of people who may understand your disappointments, but these people have an incredible way of spinning your perception of what''s "wrong" with your own situation.

I''m happy that you''re now focused on the power of what has happened, as opposed to the situational details that in the long run, won''t matter as much to you as the years go by.

Congratulations on your engagement - and I, as well as others, look forward to seeing pics of your beautiful ring!

 

[DMBsGirl]

I am glad that you are feeling better re: the proposal and ring. It sounds like you have a great guy and that is really what''s important. As diamond loving women, it is sometimes hard to keep that in perspective. Getting the ring of your dreams is not worth crushing the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. A blingy wedding band should definitely help, or maybe a wrap that turns your ring into a 3 stone for ultimate finger coverage!

 

[Joolskie]

I hear ya Aaaaaaaa. Sometimes, we have a vision of how we want everything to be and the reality doesn't quite match up. But, speaking as a person who has been married for over 11 years... the strength of your love and relationship with each other is what it is all about. The proposal is but a moment in a life full of experiences that you will share together. While I remember with a big heart the proposal and wedding day, my husband and I have experienced so many "little" defining moments that have made up our life together. You have so much to look forward to!

As far as the ring goes... your man picked out something with thoughts of you in his heart. If a half-carat is what he could afford right now, it's all good. I am still wearing my original diamond. It is a half-carat. My suggestion would be for you to make the wedding band purchase for both of you. This way, you can select a band with the bling factor you would like.

My roommate from college was proposed to with a .25 solitaire. Her husband was just starting out as a teacher at the time it was truly what he could afford. She eventually upgraded to a full carat and had a lovely pendant made with her original stone. So, there are options.

Sounds like you have a good guy...

 

[Apsara]

I can understand your feelings. You are human, and in our society, engagements and weddings are so commercialized and overblown that many of us form fantasies early on about the "perfect" engagement or the "perfect" wedding. Some girls get those wishes fulfilled to a tee, but I would guess most do not.

No one on an internet forum can truly know the dynamics between you. As far as the proposal--let it go. it's over and it's not that important to take a chance and create hurt feelings and a bad vibe about all of this. That's my serious gut reaction. That moment in time has come and gone, and you have to suck it up.

The ring is a tangible item that can be changed, if you are so inclined. One thought is to have a heart-to-heart discussion about wanting a different ring. How do you think he'd react? Is it worth hurting his feelings at this time? The other is to really work internally at letting it go, and getting an upgrade later, perhaps setting your original stone in a pendant, etc.

My gut reaction is that I know sooooo many single women who would DIE to have a man they called their best friend and be engaged to that person. Do nothing to jeopardize this. You will regret it.

Good luck.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am so glad you are feeling better! Truly, as some others have said, no one really thinks back to the proposal much one you''re married anyway! Mine wasn''t even as romantic as being proposed to in a nice restaurant! But I am another who has been married 30 years.

I really think one of the major reasons the divorce rate is so high is that people think marriage should be like the romantic comedies they see in the movies. Real life is rarely like that! There are moments it is like that, but most of the time is more routine and busy.

As far as the ring goes, I have the solution for you! Choose a wedding set that has an e-ring with a diamond halo around the center stone and a matching wedding band. Then your diamond will have the appearance of a larger stone but still be the one he picked out for you! Ritani and Tacori (and many others) make settings that have a diamond halo around the stone.

 

[cmms]

My husband proposed sitting in a car in front of a grocery store on April fools day. I didn''t even get a ring for a few months while he paid it off. It was a .23 ct stone in a six prong setting tiny. But we have been married 22 years and are about to welcome home our 5th child.

Oh yeah and I have upgraded a couple of times.

 

[Haven]

Congratulations on your engagement, aaaaaaa!!!!!

I''m glad you''re feeling better about the entire thing. Just the thought of a man going out to buy a diamond ring all on his own, and then sitting through a meal all sweaty with anticipation is enough to melt my heart. I wish you two many, many happy times together.

 

[Rhea]

It really does get better. I''ve had my less than half carat ring given to me when DH was a student for 3 years. I used to never wear it because it was too small and I didn''t like it. Now, I just put it on and barely ever think about it. I still don''t like it much and upgrading isn''t an option for me (that seems to be what everyone focuses on on this board when you mention you have less than 1 carat centre stone) but I just don''t think about it anymore.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/16/2007 2:30:27 AM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 12/15/2007 6:24:15 PM
Just because this is a diamond discussion board doesn''t mean ''everyone'' with a less or MORE than half carat diamond is expecting upgrades at any point in time. Its preference to each individual and actually I find it kind of offensive you might assume that otherwise.

I never said that everyone with a less or more than a half carat diamond is expecting an upgrade. If I did say that I could see why you''d find it offensive.

I think that often upgrades are often are mentioned, and to me, it seems more common when the stone is smaller. As in "well, you can always upgrade later in life" which has now been said a few times on this thread. Maybe it''s an appeasement thing because she wasn''t happy when she first posted this thread so people were getting her to look on the bright side of the ring part of the proposal. Who knows. But whatever the case about why upgrades are mentioned I was just pointing out my opinion that upgrades are often mentioned by the members of this board, though not necessarily expected by the woman with the ring herself.

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi aaaaaaa!

I''m sorry your proposal wasn''t what you dreamed of. I''d tread very carefully though, as far as letting your FI know. Yes, guys are clueless about a lot of things, and they often don''t really think through things as much as we do before acting on something. I''m sure that your FI had put thought into how he was going to propose, and you could potentially hurt his ego and his feelings if you mention that it didn''t happen the way you wanted. Same thing goes for the ring. I know some have suggested mentioning upgrading but personally, I wouldn''t do that for a long while. If I mentioned wanting to upgrade my ring already (before we''re married), my FI would probably be really hurt. This is, of course, just my opinion.

Zoe

 

[tulip928]

Where''s aaaaaaaaa? I was looking forward to seeing pictures. I hope all is well.