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Wedding Extra Guests and Late Replies!!

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parrot, it''s cool of you to put yourself out there like that. And it''s good to remember that sometimes different cultures/generations view things differently. The thought process isn''t there because there''s nothing to question - if in your culture/generation, it''s not only understood, but welcomed, that you can bring other guests, then that''s what you''re going to do. And it''s good to remember that because whoever''s on the other end may deal with it more kindly, and with less resentment. Even though, yes, it puts that person in an awkward position.

BUT.

I do think that we all should stop for a minute and think through "what would be appropriate to do here?" I know where I come from, we do x and y, but what is the norm for the family that''s inviting me/country, etc.? Especially if the family isn''t from your same culture/country.

Do you see where I''m coming from with this?
 
Date: 4/25/2008 8:51:53 AM
Author: CrookedRock

We have been together 8 years and lived together for 2+... If we wrote 2 next to the dinner and brunch is that awful? How would you prefer someone to handle a sitaution like this if it was just an oversight on your part? NOt a budget issue or an issue of too many people?
How can you be sure that it's just an oversight?

We're not "and guest"-ing anyone as a blanket rule... because we simply have too many non-married friends. I'm sure they'd all LOVE to bring dates, but that would add an additional 30-40% to our guest list, and we've been desperately trying to achieve our dream of a more 'intimate' wedding, while still appeasing the family's desire to turn it into something of a family reunion.

We have invited some significant others, but only if we are friends with them as well (they're not just courtesy invites/tag-a-longs) OR if the guest wouldn't really know anyone otherwise, then they get an invite for their SO (this only happened with one person on our list), by name, not "+1".

If it's a huge wedding, that's one thing, but for ours at least, we've gone through every single guest and talked about their needs. It's hard for me to imagine having made any oversights on our guest list.


Anyway, if you really feel strongly that you should have been invited, then have your boyfriend call the bride/groom and ask, I guess. Don't just send the reply card with your necessary edits.
 
HEy Musey, thanks for your response. I didn''t want to threadjack here too much, just wanted the OP''s opinion considering they are dealing with it on the opposite end. I''ll reply to you in my thread!
 
Musey, I completely agree. Yeah, I feel very bad that this man''s wife died and so I can understand on some level why he wouldn''t be clued in to proper wedding etiquette. But, to me, that''s just common knowledge, wedding or not. You don''t just add on extra people because you feel like it (if, as in this case, you''re looking for a family reunion of sorts). The bride and groom (and maybe their parents, if they''re contributing to the cost and have a say in who is invited) should invite people they feel close to. Obviously, the add-ons, in this case, aren''t people that Oobiecoo and her FI feel close to and/or even know.

I would figure out a way to get in touch with this man and politely explain to him that the invitation can''t be extended to everyone he would like to bring (use the space issue as an excuse if needed). I would, however, possibly allow him to bring someone. This seems like a good way to meet in the middle -- he doesn''t have to attend alone and you don''t have a lot of extra people attending.
 
Date: 4/25/2008 11:20:55 AM
Author: parrot tulips
Hmmm...I hesitated to respond to this post, but, well, I could totally see my family doing something like this, with absolutely no intention of being rude/presumptuous, so it makes me wince a little when I see all these ''how rude!!!'' responses to similar threads. The last thing my family would ever want to do is to impose on others. Sometimes I think it may be a generational thing, sometimes a cultural thing, but a lot of people honestly view weddings as a time for friends family to get together and celebrate. Some more distant friends may be excluded, but family never is (and often close family friends are often lumped together in the family category). It''s not so much bad manners (usually), as a manners from a different time/place. That said, I totally feel for you. It puts you in a really awkward position, and I hope you find an amicable solution.
I understand what you''re saying. I understand that the intention isn''t bad and they aren''t doing this to spite us, and I can imagine that in some cultures, large weddings are the norm. However, as Musey said, it''s not our guests'' place to decide who should be coming or not, is it? And what about our budgets? I don''t think any of us can afford having people adding 6 extras here and there... you know? Cutting guests lists is very difficult. FI and I had to decide not to invited our cousins and that was a hard decision to make... but we just have too many (around 100 + spouses/dates). Some people aren''t happy with that (FI''s mother (who isn''t contributing to the wedding) is particularly bitter about it and wants us to allow her siblings to replace guests who aren''t coming with their kids, can you imagine the problems that could cause?), but it''s really not possible for us to accomodate these people.
 
oobie, so sorry to hear you''re having this issue... It''s interesting how weddings bring out the manners, or lack thereof, in people, isn''t it? There will always, sadly, be people who will impose on the bridal couple because the world is all about them, but I do agree that there''s a difference between writing in extra numbers knowing it''s unacceptable, and a widower who might not know wedding etiquette. It seems like it''s just cluelessness and not malice. And in that case, I think Zoe''s right, just because he doesn''t know doesn''t mean you should be stuck paying for x number of extra plates either. I''m sure there''s a gentle way that this can be approached, yes? Perhaps your mother can talk to him and explain that "the kids are on a budget/tight space/whatever and cannot really accommodate extra people but they''re happy for you to bring along one guest", etc...would something like that work? I''m sure he just doesn''t realize his faux pas, which makes it easier to forgive and work it out, doesn''t it?
 
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