Wedding Extra Guests and Late Replies!!

[oobiecoo]

We have gotten several reply cards where the guest has written an rsvp number HIGHER than than the number invited. Why do people do this!? I had one guest (who was invited alone) reply that 6 people were coming!! Can''t they at least call and ask first? And reply cards were requested before April 14... well lo and behold its April 23 and we are still getting reply cards... from people who are adding extras to their rsvp!!

 

[Independent Gal]

You HAVE to call this person and explain that only s/he was invited, that the venue has limited space, etc.

Who are these other 5 people? His/her kids?

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, and a week late on RSVP''s is not that bad.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/23/2008 4:42:29 PM
Author: Independent Gal
You HAVE to call this person and explain that only s/he was invited, that the venue has limited space, etc.

Who are these other 5 people? His/her kids?

DITTO. It is unacceptable for a guest to dictate who comes to your wedding. I''d call him and calmly explain that you are so happy to hear that he can attend, and you''re very sorry that he misunderstood that the invitation was for him alone and you cannot accommodate the extra guests that he added in.

Good luck, I know this is a tough phone call to make.

 

[oobiecoo]

Its not so much that I mind a few extra people, its just the fact that I feel like they could have at least called to discuss the situation. We have a few people who are unable to attend so there are some spots available before FI and I go over our reception budget. These "add-ons" aren''t people who I would have invited though... even as B-listers... because I''m just not close to them. The guy with the 6 rsvps is bringing his kids, their spouses, and grandkids...

And the late rsvps are from people who initially told us they were unable to attend...

 

[Independent Gal]

Uhm, no he is NOT bringing his kids, their spouses, and grandkids. Unless YOU want them there. It doesn't matter if you have the room. If you don't know these people and would not have invited them, and if you don't want them there, then absolutely not.

Now if you kind of LIKE the idea of them coming, that's another thing. We didn't so much mind DH's friend bringing his mystery girlfriend because we were so excited that he actually HAD a girlfriend at last. But otherwise... no way. And DH told his other friend that he couldn't just bring a random date. It can be done tactfully. Just explain that it is important to you that you know, personally, the people attending your wedding. Don't you think he'll understand?

 

[Pandora II]

I would say no even if I had space because some people need educating about proper manners.

How unbelievably rude!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 4/23/2008 5:33:42 PM
Author: Pandora II
I would say no even if I had space because some people need educating about proper manners.


How unbelievably rude!

Ditto-that is unacceptable. I would say that you just don''t have room, which is why they weren''t invited in the first place. People are unbelievable. I will be taking delight in calling people and telling them that NO, their children/cousin/random date/whoever is NOT invited if anyone tries to pull this at my wedding.

 

[musey]

Okay, THANK YOU for posting this, it's exactly why I was being so picky with my rsvp card wording!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(See? It IS necessary for some people!!)

Adding a single guest without asking is already bad, much less adding FIVE!!! This is absolutely not okay.

Do you have someone you can sick on them? A parent or bridesmaid, whichever knows the offending guest better?

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 4/23/2008 5:33:42 PM
Author: Pandora II
I would say no even if I had space because some people need educating about proper manners.

How unbelievably rude!

I completely agree with Pandora and Indy. I can''t believe someone would do that!

 

[anchor31]

Ugh, Some people are really presumptious and have no manners... Call them as soon as you can to explain the situation. I already know that some people want to "replace" guests who don''t intend to come... Sorry, but that''s not how it works.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/23/2008 7:43:45 PM
Author: anchor31

I already know that some people want to 'replace' guests who don't intend to come... Sorry, but that's not how it works.

Oooooh that would bug me even MORE, I think.

Who are they to decide who *we* want at *our* wedding?!

Oh man, I am already worried about our RSVPs and we haven't even officially ORDERED our invitations yet...

 

[sera]

Wow... that is some nerve! I just can''t even imagine the thought process rationalizing that that is ok.

I guess there just isn''t one.

 

[CJ2008]

oobiecoo, I think what I''m most surprised about is that you don''t sound half as pissed as I feel for you!

I''m with Pandora - I''d say no just to say no, even if I didn''t really mind (which I SO WOULD mind!)

 

[oobiecoo]

I''m definitely angry about this... but the guy who rsvp''d for 6 has been a family friend since before I was born. I really feel like I can''t say anything... and more importantly, that I shouldnt. *sigh*

 

[Courtneylub]

When you said this was a man doing this, it made more sense. A woman (wife or daughter) should be telling him that''s a no no.

 

[WTNLVR]

Family friend or not, I''d explain that there is limited room. If he insists then tell him it will be XXX amount for the extra people. You aren''t made of money. Can you talk to his wife? I''m sure he is just clueless about the proper etiquette. But this is in no way o.k..

 

[tberube]

OMG I really hope that doesn''t happen to me. How absolutely RUDE!! How can people do that?!

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 4/24/2008 8:00:32 AM
Author: WTNLVR
Family friend or not, I''d explain that there is limited room. If he insists then tell him it will be XXX amount for the extra people. You aren''t made of money. Can you talk to his wife? I''m sure he is just clueless about the proper etiquette. But this is in no way o.k..

His wife passed away a couple of years ago so I guess he doesn''t have anyone to clue him in. His invite was supposed to be a courtesy invitation... we haven''t seen him in years so no one expected him to come. Apparently he decided to make this a reunion though... I told my mom what he did and she said he probably is bringing his whole family because "that''s what Joy(his wife) would have wanted". I just can''t argue with that so I think I''ll let him slide

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 4/24/2008 10:50:27 AM
Author: oobiecoo

Date: 4/24/2008 8:00:32 AM
Author: WTNLVR
Family friend or not, I''d explain that there is limited room. If he insists then tell him it will be XXX amount for the extra people. You aren''t made of money. Can you talk to his wife? I''m sure he is just clueless about the proper etiquette. But this is in no way o.k..

His wife passed away a couple of years ago so I guess he doesn''t have anyone to clue him in. His invite was supposed to be a courtesy invitation... we haven''t seen him in years so no one expected him to come. Apparently he decided to make this a reunion though... I told my mom what he did and she said he probably is bringing his whole family because ''that''s what Joy(his wife) would have wanted''. I just can''t argue with that so I think I''ll let him slide

I had a feeling you were going to say that. You didn''t mention a wife, just kids and grandkids. Hmm..yeah that''s a toughy. I would suck it up in this case, honestly.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I would call and very politely say HECK NO! That is so rude!

 

[musey]

Date: 4/24/2008 1:53:08 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS
I would call and very politely say HECK NO! That is so rude!

Under these specific circumstances, I disagree...

In light of the whole wife-passed-away thing, it probably is best to let it slide, as you suggested, oobiecoo. I still wouldn't bee too happy about it, but it's the best thing to do, IMO.

 

[UCLABelle]

Oh my! THIS IS MY FEAR! I have nightmares about this. We only have space for 45 MAX!

If I were you, I would say something.

OOPS: Just saw his wife passed away----maybe I would let it slide.....not sure. Well, I couldn't let it slide even if I wanted (or I would have to change my whole wedding)....

 

[CJ2008]

I don''t know guys...

I know women are usually more "up" on everything, and that we often guide our men in all kinds of matters. I don''t know how old this man is, but could he possibly be THAT clueless? And even if he was, would he be that clueless to not know to at least pick up the phone?

I don''t know...seems hard to believe.

I hear what you''re saying oobiecoo, about his wife passing away (your original post was very general, it didn''t mention the specific circumstances surrounding this person). You''d probably feel very guilty doing anything other than letting it slide.

But I still think it''s inappropriate, regardless of the circumstances. What are YOUR circumstances, you know?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 4/23/2008 7:59:19 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/23/2008 7:43:45 PM
Author: anchor31

I already know that some people want to ''replace'' guests who don''t intend to come... Sorry, but that''s not how it works.

Oooooh that would bug me even MORE, I think.

Who are they to decide who *we* want at *our* wedding?!

Oh man, I am already worried about our RSVPs and we haven''t even officially ORDERED our invitations yet...

Ours will be out in 2 weeks. Keeping my fingers crossed...

oobiecoo - Ok, because of the situation I understand you''re hesitant to say no, but do you think maybe it would be more reasonable to let him bring a smaller number of people, like 2?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/24/2008 2:19:46 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/24/2008 1:53:08 PM

Author: SarahLovesJS

I would call and very politely say HECK NO! That is so rude!

Under these specific circumstances, I disagree...


In light of the whole wife-passed-away thing, it probably is best to let it slide, as you suggested, oobiecoo. I still wouldn''t bee too happy about it, but it''s the best thing to do, IMO.

Yeah, I didn''t read the replies and the whole wife passing away thing until after I posted. I still think it is rude though. But hey, that''s just me.

 

[Pandora II]

I understand your point - but the principle is still an issue.

For example, I have a very strict 120 cut-off. If someone suddenly replied with an extra 6 people. My option would be either to have them sit in a separate room or to say they couldn''t come.

What would you do if you had that scenario?

 

[CrookedRock]

6!!! People extra!!! That''s absurd!
I have another thread going right now about an issue with by bf not geting an and guest to a wedding and how to handle it. I thought you would be a good person to ask... I hope you don''t mind the mini threadjack!
We have been together 8 years and lived together for 2+... If we wrote 2 next to the dinner and brunch is that awful? How would you prefer someone to handle a sitaution like this if it was just an oversight on your part? NOt a budget issue or an issue of too many people?

 

[parrot tulips]

Hmmm...I hesitated to respond to this post, but, well, I could totally see my family doing something like this, with absolutely no intention of being rude/presumptuous, so it makes me wince a little when I see all these "how rude!!!" responses to similar threads. The last thing my family would ever want to do is to impose on others. Sometimes I think it may be a generational thing, sometimes a cultural thing, but a lot of people honestly view weddings as a time for friends family to get together and celebrate. Some more distant friends may be excluded, but family never is (and often close family friends are often lumped together in the family category). It''s not so much bad manners (usually), as a manners from a different time/place. That said, I totally feel for you. It puts you in a really awkward position, and I hope you find an amicable solution.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/25/2008 11:20:55 AM
Author: parrot tulips
Hmmm...I hesitated to respond to this post, but, well, I could totally see my family doing something like this, with absolutely no intention of being rude/presumptuous, so it makes me wince a little when I see all these 'how rude!!!' responses to similar threads. The last thing my family would ever want to do is to impose on others. Sometimes I think it may be a generational thing, sometimes a cultural thing, but a lot of people honestly view weddings as a time for friends family to get together and celebrate. Some more distant friends may be excluded, but family never is (and often close family friends are often lumped together in the family category). It's not so much bad manners (usually), as a manners from a different time/place. That said, I totally feel for you. It puts you in a really awkward position, and I hope you find an amicable solution.

PT, for me, it's not an issue of the intention behind it--I'm sure that no one tacks on guests with ill intentions. They just want to celebrate with those they love.

However, what bothers me is that the person is telling us who should be invited. That isn't anyone's decision but our own. Especially when you're working under a budget, every person counts. If I wanted to invite all those extra people, I would've chosen a cheaper venue. You know?

Our wedding day, for us, is about celebrating with those who are most important to us. Honestly, I'd be a little bit bugged if there were people in the crowd that neither of us felt close to--and it sounds like that's the case with oobiecoo. It's the job of the bride and groom, and not the guests, to decide who they want to share their day with. Maybe that's just me, though...